BlogHer - I’m Done with Online Dating… Maybe - Comments

Excellent points

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:30:18 -0500

But I'd definitely point out that both men and women suffer from the candy shop syndrome! :)

Met Mr Perfect on Match, Married Mr Wrong from AOL

SueWorks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:45:39 -0500

Let me share my 2 to 75 cents. I met the perfect man, on paper, on match.com. The height, age, marital status, religion, parents, education, weight. All were perfect, on paper. In real life, he was selfish, immature and a bad, bad lover. Then I met a man who couldn't write one sentence. He was wrong in every way a woman measures men, except that he was a genetic male. Pkin is kind but not a wuss, intelligent enough to have opinions without being opinionated, and a great, enthusiastic lover (when I know you better, I'll share more.) I married Mr Wrong seven years ago. He's sitting in the other room, online, reading about the end of the modern world. I'm glad I met him in front of the California Pizza Kitchen and I'm glad we didn't kiss at our first meeting. It made it special and that's why we're still going strong.

Love you Pkin!

OK, my two cents is open your mind but not your heart, until the person deserves it. It takes time and that's the one thing we don't have enough of but we can't waste any either.

Just Sue

www.sueworks.com

That’s EXACTLY it!! So

SpringTime — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:40:47 -0500

That’s EXACTLY it!! So well put. I
guess that’s true, you can date online, but just (sadly), you do have to
go into it with the lowest of expectations and definitely some armor. L.L.

Hmmm, bad move on his part,

SpringTime — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:31:04 -0500

Hmmm, bad move on his part, buying his coffee before you got there to get out of buying you yours. Well, on with the weeding out... L.L.

WOW!!

SpringTime — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:26:31 -0500

What a stroy!! What a date!! I really am surprised at some of the things that I see as common sense, have to be explained to men! Like having to explain that saying the 'model pretty' line is indeed, A DEAL BREAKER!!!!L.L.

I hate when that happens,

SpringTime — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:17:34 -0500

I hate when that happens, the ‘gloss over’
because the attraction and the feelings are so strong on our side (the
women’s). Good! He doesn’t deserve to have you and you don’t
deserve that kind of treatment! And
its true, it is a learning experience.
With each one that disappoints, we’re close to our Prince!! That’s what I have to keep reminding myself
of though, and that’s not an easy thing to remember when you’re crying and trying
to figure out why ‘it’ didn’t work. I
think I may stay away from dating in general, online or in real life!
We’ll see... L.L.

ROTFLMAO

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:14:38 -0500

Really? Really, I'm not "model pretty"? You don't say? Wow, I *totally* thought I looked like Cindy Crawford! ;)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Too Funny!!

SpringTime — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:03:45 -0500

I think that’s true!! That these men are
online because they in fact have NO clue about how to act around women and that
because of that very fact, they've turned off real live women! I had
never thought of that Lynda!! L.L.

Keeping our options open

annejenner — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 23:59:58 -0500

Anne

I think, again on further reflection, maybe keeping our options open is the best way to treat any potential opportunity for meeting people (be that new friends, potential relationships, or whatever). Crying off online dating is perhaps a knee jerk reaction, and provided one keeps it in perspective, it is in reality just another option. The expectations certainly need to be kept realistic (and mine will be particularly so from now on) and trying to improve one's level of perceptiveness about motives probably wouldn't hurt either. But as with all things that are designed to hopefully enrich our lives, it's really self knowledge and self understanding that helps us build potential relationships (wherever first established) into something lasting. And Seattlegirl - congratulations and well done on finding your partner.

"I am afraid that I might think a frog is better than no frog."

SpringTime — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 23:58:12 -0500

Laura, at 22, I sometimes think the same
thing!! But I know that I shouldn't
settle, but sometimes, it just sounds so darn tempting!! So how did the date go anyway?? I hope it went really great for you! L.L.

try new things

AllThatSheWants — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 13:38:51 -0500

Thanks, Seattlegirluw. I agree, there are much better ways to meet people. Internet dating truly is random, and that may be one of the reasons it doesn't seem to work for many of us. Better to meet people with similar interests via some of the ways you suggest (I'll look into a meetup in my area!). I think many of us feel very strapped for time and also quite solitary in our pursuit for a relationship (all our friends are married); for those reasons, internet dating seems attractive. But in the end it can just contribute to a feeling of isolation. Best to keep all our options open and try new things.

Jo, I think you make an

seattlegirluw — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 13:27:34 -0500

Jo, I think you make an excellent point about the community factor. But even taking out the odd hook-up in the bar, there are a lot of times when you just encounter someone randomly and socially. I always got the impression that before all that, people liked what they saw and one asked the other out. I'm not saying that friends never set their friends up... But I think it was only one of a few ways people met. That said, I think it's often better to get set up by friends (if your friends have any kind of discriminating taste). Still, it's also harder if things don't work out. It's awkward. I think you have the right attitude -- don't expect too much, be careful and never shut off any possible avenue of finding someone interesting. There's a social club here called something along the lines of "meet up, Seattle" or "meet.seattle.com" or something in that arena. I am assuming it's a national company with chapters. It's a great idea. It's a program with a ton of subgroups (free, by the way) of folks with various interests. They set up meet times (not much chatting actually goes on online) and usually there's a nominal couple bucks to cover any administrative fees if it's an activity. But often it's just coffee or food. There are single parents, religions, Magic the Gathering players... Tons of interests and a way to take the pressure off trying to find a friend or a date by making it a group setting. Because, really, if you want someone with the same interests as you, what better way than to join a hobby club? Hiking or board-game lover, this way you're in a social environment and it's not one-on-one.

Why Online Dating is Difficult

AllThatSheWants — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 08:42:40 -0500

I have been online dating for almost 5 years, with only one "relationship" that lasted more than a few dates. Here are my thoughts on why it often does not work.

In the past, dating was something that occurred within a community. Men and women met men through friends, through family, at a class, etc. Yes, there was the occasional bar hook-up, but even then, there was often some commonality that brought you both to that place at that time. What that created was SOCIAL OBLIGATION, however subtle. All I mean by that is that not only could we get some kind of back-story on the guy, but he also had some obligation to be decent in order to save face with whatever our mutual community might be. Maybe, however subconscious, community also created the obligation to "give it a go", an obligation that, let's face it, we need sometimes. Dating is hard.

What I've found with online dating is those obligations (and of course, back stories) are completely out the window.

And responding to Anne's story, which sounds very painful, obviously some kind of back-story (i.e. "the ex-girlfriend is still around") or communal connections may have obliged her beau to be more forthcoming earlier in the process.

There is also the whole "kid in a candy shop" syndrome. You might be a delightful, beautiful, happy woman, but online dating gives the man the sense that there may be other, more beautiful, more delightful, happier women just waiting to meet him. It's completely false and again, speaks to the lack of social obligation. Any small thing might turn him off (you live more than 30 miles away, your boobs are too small--whatever). On to the next woman.

I haven't given up, but I now go into these things with the lowest expectations possible (it's hard) as well as with a bit of armor. ALWAYS speak on the phone, a FEW TIMES before meeting.

I've moved on to other concerns of the single woman in her late 30s, on my blog, http://allthatshewants.blogspot.com

Still Looking for Love

rebellious thinker — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:52:08 -0500

SeattleGirl,

Congratulations on the marriage!

I think you really nailed it when you talk about developing a sense of intimacy in the email exchange, and (if you're brazen) the phone calls, before the actually meet and greet. I had a date last night following a week of light and breezy emails, but as soon as I sat down (and before I held against him the fact that he had bought himself a coffee before I got there so he wouldn't have to pay $2.00 for my coffee) I realized that I had imagined charm where there wasn't any. We can pretend that there's an interesting person in there when we only get a few words in response to ours, but when there's a whole conversation to fill, the void quickly becomes apparent. After an arduous hour, I left to pick up some take-out Thai.

Laura, writing about Looking for Love on Craig's List and other things at www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Craigslist luv

seattlegirluw — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 03:47:26 -0500

Well, I hate to lighten the mood and be a pollyanna but I actually met my husband on CL.

Completely randomly, actually. I had vowed to take a break from online dating because of a particularly bad set of guys. But lil ole me had sooo much time on her hands that she checked the listings anyway. And I saw an ad that was slightly cheesy but in a way that hinted it might actually be genuine. (Also, luckily, I have no head for Washington geography and so didn't realize until we had already started talking that he was about an hour away from me.)

We just clicked and we've certainly had turbulence here and there (I'm frugal and he's a spender... we've both been learning some good lessons about compromise) we were just married on our second anniversary this past Mother's Day.

And in case that was just too much saccharin to stand I have an anecdote about my absolute best worst-date:

I end up with this guy who's kind of a doofus. And I like nerdy guys, but this guy wasn't nerdy just dumb and overly full of himself. (I know, in a guy... who'd have thunk it?) And he keeps telling me, "I don't set up second dates while on first dates" which relieved me because I thought, great I can make this a quick drink or two and then get away!

So he starts telling me that he wants to cook me dinner next time. Ugh.

Then, as he was on his third or so drink -- which was one drink too many because he was that effusive, slightly sloppy/soppy drinker -- he pulled out the absolute worse come-on I've ever heard.

I have to set this up a little... He asked if I found him attractive, I politely lied and said, Sure yeah -- because, really, how else do you answer that? I'm too polite.

Anyway, he then proceeds to tell me he finds me attractive. I thank him and try to accept the compliment and move on. Less than three sentences later, he says (and I quote) "I mean... I'm not looking for MODEL pretty."

I somehow manage NOT to get the cider I'm drinking up my nose. And once the giggling impulse has left me (I mean, if I'd been interested in him, it would have been an ego blow but this guy was just lame) I told him that he might want to avoid using those two sentences so close together on future dates with women.

"Really?" he asked. "Why?" He was genuinely puzzled.

I try to explain -- the way you try to explain something that patently obvious -- that the proximity of those two statements would lead most women (I was polite enough not to say carbon-based life forms with the intelligence of a house plant) to assume he was saying we were pretty -- just not MODEL pretty.

He listened intently. THen he paused, looked away for a second, and then looked back at me. Vaguely shocked he said, "Wow... Women are sensitive!"

It's funny in retrospect, but at the time I was beginning to sympathize with those animals caught in traps who opt to chew a limb off.

In other words: online dating can be hell. But you can draw on your pain one day to write a play about the horrors of dating. Or send your therapy bill to each of these guys (which is why you keep their email addresses!). Or, sometimes, you'll actually meet someone of value.

Which is to say, really, that there's about as much luck dating online as dating offline. No matter where you go, men will, taken as a group, be idiots or dense or annoying or rude. It doesn't matter where you meet them. It just so happens that the anonymity of the Web makes it easier for them to be slimeballs up front -- whereas regular dating often means they wait a bit.

I think the danger in the internet game is that you get to know each other before actually meeting (made trickier by that picture that they had that turns out to be four years and sixty pounds ago -- it's not necessarily a deal breaker but warn a girl sheesh). Anyway this emailing back and forth tends to build up expectations and to create a false sense of intimacy. It makes you more invested on a first date. It also makes the statistical likelihood that things won't work out just that much more crushing and exhausting.

But, in the end, I think it has more to do with odds than the goods in any one market. It's not like, if you give up online dating, you'll suddenly meet all wonderful men. You might, but chances are you'll meet plenty of jerks, too.

I'd say that's my two cents but I think I am closer to about a dollar. Sorry for the long-winded pontification.

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I’m Done with Online Dating… Maybe

SpringTime — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:39:45 -0500

So today when I woke up, I went to my computer
and after checking my email and all the other things I check online, MySpace, Craigslist
for jobs, entertainment ‘news,’ I decided that I was going to just pull all my
profiles from the dating sites I was on.
That’s right, I’m, sick of online dating! Months ago, I was on eHarmony, Match, Yahoo Personals, and some
other ones that I can’t even remember the names to. During that time, I met someone, online, and I deleted my profile
from the sites. When he and I didn’t
work, I reregistered my profiles on the dating sites again. So sitting at my computer, one month after
reregistering, I’m so over it. The
thing is, I didn’t even meet anyone I went out with or talked to on the actual
sites especially designed for dating. I
met them on certain social networking sites.
None the less, I met them online, it didn’t matter whether the site was
eHarmony or MySpace, none of the guys I have conversed with in the past eight
months had ever seen me in real life until after we talked via the internet,
and I haven’t even met most of them in real life anyway. But at this point, I’m kind of turned off to
the idea of actually finding love or even just a boyfriend (love’s too
much to even think about right now anyway) online. Its their fault too, the guys.
I’ve talked to them, given some of them a chance to get to know me a
little, even gone out with one or two of them and it just seems to turn out the
same. Either we don’t talk after meeting,
at least not in a timely manner (yeah, I’ve gotten those ‘a week later’ text),
we meet, become an item, and the relationship fails, or we just talk, and don’t
ever really set plans to meet.
Hey, maybe it’s really my fault.
Maybe I should just say off the bat, “what do you want out of
this?” If they just said upfront, I
want someone to just chat online with, I want someone to just ‘have a good
time’ with, I want an actual relationship, then it would make things so
much easier for me, and I’m sure, a lot of other women. Then I wouldn’t waste time thinking that
maybe this could be it. Well, I
feel like I’m kind of just rambling, just venting. Anyway, that’s basically what I’m saying, no more looking for my
potential boyfriend, boy-toy, soul mate, or whatever online. Then again, if I notice a new email from a
good-looking male in my inbox, it might be difficult for me to not write
him back. After all, he could be
THE one (or at least one of the one’s) right?