BlogHer - I want to get married. - Comments

Marriage

2dayssinglemama — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 18:57:23 -0500

Great post. I find myself wondering when it's going to happen however I'm not willing to rush it! I see many couples that aren't happy and I don't want that to be me so I'm patiently waiting on the one for me. Glad to know I'm not alone in my thinking.

www.amdtheblog.blogspot.com

Being realistic

halflifecrisis — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:20:24 -0500

I agree that marriage shouldn't be a goal on its own, but I know that fear will always trump love for the commitment-phobe. I've been there. I loved living with boyfriends, but legal attachment scared the bejeezus out of me.

Every man I lived with was sure that I secretly wanted marriage, and ignored my statements to the contrary. Every man was wrong.

There are plenty of marriage-minded people out there. If you eventually want marriage, make sure your partner does too. Fear of commitment is a hard habit to break. Don't waste time hoping he'll change. Odds are, he won't.

( http://www.halflifecrisis.com )

Relating to a Whole Person

Cosmicbiker — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:14:11 -0500

Nelle:

Being strong on your way into a relationship - I think we should all have that tattooed on the inside of our eyelids!

I work with women who are in relationship with high achievers. In my experience, a lot of women are attracted to power, (this is not a commentary on women, just an observation from my own experience) but choosing a powerful mate can be death to their identity unless they're ready to match the tidal wave of energy coming from their beloved.

It's a funny paradox - we are often attracted to the characteristics in others we don't have in ourselves, yet aligning ourselves with them doesn't make it "rub off" on us.

Great thoughts on marriage

Liz Rizzo — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:34:16 -0500

I do hope that I get to experience making and living that commitment with another human being in my life.

I'm so glad it made sense to you all, marriage-minded vs. marriage-obsessed.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Third time lucky?

annejenner — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:13:33 -0500

Anne

I agree that it's not marriage, the institution, that's important apart from the external connotations, but the relationship and what the two individuals concerned bring to it. I have been married twice, and often wonder whether I would do it again, given the opportunity. I recently came to the conclusion that I probably would, mainly because it implies a public commitment, and if you're religious, a commitment before God. For me, it says to the world, I am willing to commit myself and my life to the happiness and welfare of this other person for as long as ... well in my case if it lasts a while it could be death, but normally I wouldn't presume that! And I think that's a reason to marry, and a reason to celebrate and have a beautiful ceremony if that's what you want. Forget spending buckets of money though on ridiculous extravaganzas, I think that's madness because then the emphasis moves to the wedding, not the marriage. The wedding is one day of fantasy, whereas marriage is years of total reality. Rather than spending up a storm on dresses, cakes, receptions, flowers, etc. maybe the happy couple would be better off investing in some good solid relationship counselling or at least some real personal self-reflection before taking the big step.

Never again

nelle2nelle — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 20:09:22 -0500

I fully recognise things look far different pre-marriage than they do post-marriage, but...

After 27.5 years in a relationship, 23 years 11 months of marriage, it is a status thing with a contractual element few are willing to contemplate going in.

What matters is commitment. Love, Caring. Sharing. Room to grow individually. Trust. Respect. Honesty. Confidence. Communication. Being yourself.

All of this can be had without marriage. Many have this without marriage. I have learned more looking back on our marriage than I probably learned in the marriage.

So many worry about being alone, etc... but that is a lousy reason to be in a relationship. Tackle that issue by gaining confidence elsewhere. In the end, being strong on the way into a relationship greatly increases the chances of its success.

nelle

llhaesa

Good for you Liz

geekgirl — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:02:07 -0500

Your attitude is the best. Life is good, why screw it up with a marriage based on desperation, or societal pressure, or some other outside force?

Christine

http://froginnorthgeorgia.com/

I'm glad I didn't get

Trisha — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:21:16 -0500

I'm glad I didn't get married when I was younger. I think it is rare when people find each other when they are young and it really works out ok.

There's nothing wrong with being picky about who you want to marry either!

***********************
My blog would be tickled pink if it had more friends like you visiting it: Ideas For Women blog :)
***********************

No one knows

Suzanne Reisman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 11:12:13 -0500

When I was 16, I decided that I would never get married. This was because I was certain that no man would ever let me be me or treat me equally. I figured a lifetime of temporary partnerships and flings were my best plan. Fast forward another 16 years, and here I am: happily married for eight years already, not one fling under my belt! I love your attitude. Who really knows what will happen?

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

I love your honesty

Vered — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:59:31 -0500

And your healthy attitude to marriage.

I know a few people who are in their mid/ late thirties. Some of them are definitely on the hunt, while others feel like you. Those that are on the hunt - I worry about them settling down with the wrong person.

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

More people should have your attitude...

ynnej — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:16:47 -0500

...before they get married. I have seen too many people want to get married because they think it will solve whatever problem they have. I think those are the ones who are "on the hunt". Those are also the kinds of marriage that break up the quickest, because it isn't another person who is going to fix what is wrong with yourself, only you can do that. Marriage is hard enough without having to burden the other person with a responsibility to fix your issues! You are right about being true to yourself first and then being open to what comes along.

http://ConscientiousConfusion.blogspot.com

I really like when you

Zandria — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:03:56 -0500

I really like when you said:

"...being marriage-minded doesn't mean you're on the hunt. Heck, I may never get married. I'm not psychic, so I don't know."

You're absolutely right. Being marriage-minded doesn't mean you're marriage-obsessed, or that you'd settle for the wrong person just because you want to get married.

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Great post!

LizzieH — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 09:47:13 -0500

I like how you describe the difference between being marriage-minded and being desperate/on the hunt.

Sometimes I think the only thing that will prevent me from becoming an Old Maid spinster is that I'm not much of a cat person...I may end up with a pack of dogs, but somehow that doesn't seem as miserable and bitter!

--Liz

I blog about creating a life worth living at: www.inventingmylife.blogspot.com

Someday

SavvyD — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:24:39 -0500

It's tough out there. When you are in your early 20s, you often leap without looking. Maybe we need to be that stupid to get involved and married. ;)

www.SavvySingleChristian.blogspot.com

Catch the Christian Schadenfreude

I want to get married.

Liz Rizzo — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:06:56 -0500

Someday. To the right person. Ideally speaking.

I've been thinking about what it means for me, ultimately believing in the concept of marriage. It's a very intimate part of who I am and what I believe in. It means I'm open to making a lifelong commitment. It means I would like to partner up for the long haul, with the right person.

But lately I've been thinking even more about what it doesn't mean.

You meet them a lot when you're online dating in your 30s. The Spouse Shoppers. They've got a list, and they're checking it twice. And if you're a match, they're in for the quick swoop if you are. They aren't interested and open to the possibility of marriage; they're on the hunt. Often, and this absolutely goes for both men and women, children are also on the menu. The quick serve menu.

That's not what it's like for me.

The Hunky Actor would like to get married. Someday. To the right person. Ideally speaking.

And sure, I confirmed he was marriage-minded going in. And yeah, I had a brain gerbil running on that future.

In my lifetime, I've also fully researched and considered possible plans for joining the Peace Corps, getting a graduate degree in economics - University of Hawaii or Alaska, and teaching English in Japan. (I ended up at Film School. Still waiting for *that* to pay for itself.)

See, being marriage-minded doesn't mean you're on the hunt. Heck, I may never get married. I'm not psychic, so I don't know.

But, I do have to be honest with myself that it does mean that I'm not looking for a multi-year relationship that doesn't include marriage. Same for the Hunky Actor. So after a year, we broke up, because it wasn't there.

That sort of honesty used to freak me out. A male classmate once said that he never dated girls over 25 because all women over 25 were just looking for a husband. Which, of course, besides being laugh out loud funny, speaks to (well, many things, but) that sort of desperate search. I was afraid that if I was honest about my feelings about marriage that I would come off as desperate to marry. Right now. Anyone. That not being true, I tended to try to play it the other way. Which, since I wasn't looking for instant marriage also held some truth to it.

More recently, another male friend told me that he and his friends used to say that they only dated women over 26/27 because women younger than that *weren't* looking to settle down and be in a real relationship. They just wanted to play around.

OK, people, I'm only going to say this a million more times. There are no rules in the land of individuals.

Well, maybe one. You have to be true and honest to yourself. If I'm talking with someone about marriage or they're reading even these words and all they hear or can possibly imagine is Woman Desperate for Marriage, well, who really cares about them? For one thing, they aren't a really good listener.

You can't do anything about the odd assumptions people jump to. It drives me nuts, but there it is.

Hey, if I'm still unmarried in twenty years, that'll teach 'em.

Oh, wait, I forgot. I'll be bitter and miserable and surrounded by cats.

I hope we can all laugh together at that one.

The blogosphere speaks:

wrestling with me - Erin from maybe we haven't got it all figured out blogs about feeling out of place around "cute girls" because she's more athletic. This one is a must read. Go share some wisdom with Erin if you've got it to share. She sounds awesome, and she needs to hear it.

The Space Between Before and After - From Somewhere In Between comes a tale of the wedding that wasn't. Hey, I've got one of those!

Jessie blogs at Fairly Certain about why she wants to get married and why she wants a wedding. And can I just say that I am crazy mad about her LJ page background? Totally want for my MySpace.