BlogHer - The no (wo)man's land of the non-pregnant - Comments

Ditto...

smartchica47 — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:45:40 -0500

I just wanted to agree wholeheartedly with Suzanne. I'm 37, single, not having kids and almost all of my close friends now have kids or are trying. I also was living away from my hometown for several months because of a work project and when I first moved back, there were a few friends with whom the conversations felt weird, not as easy as they used to be. But they got easier, as we got re-acquainted. I think my conversations with other friends (the ones with kids) were easier because we could always fall back on talking about the kids. At the same time, it's not a terrible thing to realize that your conversations with your parental friends are more about THEM (either the adults or the kids). If you are not used to talking about yourself and what's going on with YOU, it can be almost uncomfortable at first.I don't think it means you want kids, it just means you're out of practice. And at some point, most parents start to realize that they miss talking about adult things too so don't assume that you need to only find other non-parents to have those conversations with - your mothering friends might want to create a book club with you!

Jenn

http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com

It's that stage of life

Suzanne Reisman — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:01:27 -0500

I'm 32, married 8 years, and not having kids. I'm in the exact same position as you: married friends are all having kids, and the ones who aren't are single. I think it is inevitable to be in this position, as it is pretty normal for people to start having kids around this age. My friends and I talk about their kid situations, politics, our husbands, sports, what's on TV, celebrity gossip, non-celebrity gossip, Facebook, books, and blogging. I figure that you were short on conversation with your friend because it has been a while since you've seen her. Once you get together regularly again, I think the topics will just flow. Don't fret!

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Oth

I was in that spot...

betsy.yates — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:28:37 -0500

...in my early 30s, married for about 3 years, with no plans for a baby...right about the time that we got knocked up. I don't remember being consumed with baby talk with friends, but it was a topic of conversation. If you're finding yourself struggling to avoid talking about babies even with non-babied friends, maybe you want one more than you care to admit. Getting pregnant seems like jumping on the bandwagon, which isn't always attractive, but it could be a biological need. Also, you don't have to crave a baby and all that it implies. Heck, most of us first-timers are scared to death about how it's going to uproot our happy lives. For years, I said I didn't know if I wanted kids. I feel like nature guided me here.

ExcruciatinglyNormal.Com

The no (wo)man's land of the non-pregnant

ynnej — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:17:12 -0500

I'm 30 years old, married 3 years, and we don't have children. We are not trying.More and more lately, I feel that this puts me in a weird spot in the current society.

I realized the other day that I did not have a single female friend who does not have an infant or is currently pregnant. Every time I wait in line at the supermarket checkout, all the magazines talk about which celebrity is pregnant or just had a baby. The articles in Glamour all interview celebrities who go on about how wonderful their life is now that they are moms (and still size 0). I think of my friends who struggle with infertility and I hurt for them.

The other night I had dinner with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. She lives in another part of town, and just moved back from out of state. She is single/dating and does not have kids.

I was excited when we started to email about getting together because I realized that we could have a drink! Because all my friends are either pregnant, nursing, or trying to conceive right now, I actually have not been able to have a glass of wine with any of my female friends in a very long time.

I also realized that this was my only chance for a real, adult conversation with a female that might not be about pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, having a baby, or dealing with children. Or any variations of those things. I talk to my husband about a lot of things but he is not a woman. With the females I know it is babies, pregnancy, babies, kids, babies.

And I have gotten pretty good at listening and contributing. It is like I am a small pipeline for the passing of baby-related information from one woman to another. My contribution is to regurgitate information from the last person I talked to, in exchange for participation in the conversation. The alternative is to not speak to my friends at all, so at least I get to keep having friends, right? I try to keep my own opinions out, because obviously I don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, my friend and I ordered some great margaritas and we sat there, and...
...I could not think of anything non-baby-related to say.

I had not spoken to a female about anything but babies in so long that I had no idea what women talk about anymore. I stumbled around and she suggested politics, which was nice for a little while. Living in Texas. Books I have been reading. What goes on at work. Memories of growing up. Mutual friends.

It was weird and strange, like going back to a house you used to live in, but not recognizing it anymore because the furniture is all wrong.

What is even weirder to me is that I should react that way at all. Here I am, not even sure we want kids, and I am already in the dreaded "mom-mindset". I think there is something wrong with that. I believe in my heart that I am content with where I am in life right now. I love the life we have, and I believe we are following God's will for our lives to the best of our knowledge at this time. So it startles and disturbs me to think that my conversations for so long have apparently been so focused on what is not my life, but instead on other people's lives, other people's bodies, other people's kids.

I am not sure how to fix it. I want to keep hanging out with our friends whom we love, and I think their children are all very cute and wonderful, or will be once they are born. My husband and I pray for all of them every day.

I guess what I am saying is that I am thinking of joining a book club or something.
Maybe just to figure out how to have a non-baby/pregnancy conversation.