BlogHer - Sisters - Comments

You've got it exactly right.

Wyliekat — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:48:49 -0500

You've got it exactly right.

My daughter & son have

subcultmami — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 10:36:23 -0500

My daughter & son have different fathers... I have never even thought of them as half siblings! They are siblings. They are brother & sister. It doesnt matter that they have different fathers... they live together and their relationship is not half of something. Or stepped on. I hate those terms [half & step]. Where do they even come from? We're a family and thats all that matters! : )

Makes my head spin some days.

Wyliekat — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 09:07:06 -0500

You're not kidding. It's a very complicated situation all around. Probably, as was rightly pointed out, more complicated for us as the adults, rather than for the kids.

Juniper has a younger brother as well, through her mother. And she has referred to him on occasion as her "real" brother. I know very well that this language did not come from her.

Still, she knows that Rosebud is her sister, and likely the only sister she's going to have. And they demonstrate their love for each other all the time.

We are a family of four. We didn't start out that way, and as a result our children have loyalties to family members outside the home. These loyalties are going to create conflict for them from time to time. I get this. I just wish it wasn't the case.

But I'm very clear on this. While I am not Juniper's mother, I am her parent. And that's a responsiblity I take very seriously.

I also try to realize that those individuals outside of our family unit of four probably feel very threatened by the addition of these other "not the mother, not the father" parents. And that's going to show up from time to time. I'm fortunate in that my ex isn't likely to procreate any time soon, but still recognizes the value of Rosebud having a sibling.

I guess this is the joy of being "trendsetters" in family life - our relationships with our exes are cordial, civil and productive. Our children spend a decent percentage of their time with the other parents. Everything we can think to do that will ease/improve this reality, we have done.

But there's no damned road map.

Love, (step)family-style: Adults are the troublemakers

Lisa Stone — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 08:52:13 -0500

Yes! Great post, Wyliekat, and comments you all. I wrote a looooong rant about this last year, after one of our exes told one of my boys they weren't really brothers because they are "steps".

The clincher for me? The boys solved it for themselves because they love each other. Here's the story - including a link to Psychology Today story that says adults are the biggest problem for kids in blended families:

http://www.blogher.com/blogher-mommy-family/2007/01/love-step-family-style

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Reply to yr comment.

subcultmami — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 07:43:37 -0500

Thank you. I appreciate it. : ) Yr daughter is absolutely beautiful!

Truth.

Wyliekat — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 22:25:44 -0500

First off, I want to say that you've got a great energy about you. It totally shows up in your writing style.

I think (hope, maybe?) that the distinction is just a holdover from another, more prim time. I know I want to make it a thing of the past in my home. But making sure you acknowledge the outside parents is important, too. You have to be respectful of that person in your child's eyes, so that they are never torn.

Hard line.

same thing with "half-brother"

grannysu — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:34:16 -0500

I have the same reaction when someone says my youngest son is a "half-brother" to his siblings. Half? He was whole when I birthed him! I see them all the same, brothers. For others to make a distinction seems presumptious in my eyes.

Granny Sue Stories from the Mountains and Beyond www.grannysu.blogspot.com susannaholstein@yahoo.com

Sisters

Wyliekat — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:11:56 -0500

I have no problem with being called Juniper's stepmother. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

But I do cringe when I hear someone refer to Rosebud and Juniper as stepsisters. I don't know why this is. I just know that the addition of the "step" somehow makes it seem less of a bond. Perhaps because they have no other sisters and aren't likely to get any extras anytime soon. Perhaps because I want them to blend as seamlessly as they can, in the face of wildly different schedules and time spent away from each other.

All I can say is that Buddy and I refer to them as sisters whenever possible. In fact, somewhere along the way, I coined a phrase* that sees regular usage in our house.

If you were to have a conversation with Juniper about her family life, odds are good that you'd hear the term "sistah from another mistah" at some point. Rosebud doesn't use it yet, since she hasn't really grasped the intricacies of the situation (though she has told Juniper that she's her "best sister"). Juniper and I use it often.

It just tastes better, to me. Maybe to her, too.

*I haven't googled to see if it already exists. It probably does. But it spawned from the recesses and bumps in own brain, so I'm keeping it my own for as long as I can.

x-posted from www.wyliekat.com