BlogHer - Mommy, Am I Fat? - Comments

They watch your every move

Southerngirl — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:10:54 -0500

My daughter asked me how many calories were in her juice box! That got me going. She was only 4 at the time. I am still dieting but not so overtly. I do not make such a big deal about food anymore. I just know what I need to eat and try to stay the course. I do let them help me workout which they seem to really like but no more calorie counting.

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

It starts early, unfortunatly

tarasd72 — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 11:59:26 -0500

Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC

A few years ago Oprah did a show with women who had "recovered" from eating disorders and their children. Some of the little girls were in preschool and were concerned about their weight and the weight of others. The "recovered" women were confronted with the actions they still took that inlfuenced their children, MAJOR portion control, prejudist against those who were heavier, how they talked to themselves. I was in shock and awe. As a counselor I see children, on occason, with eating disorders. As a Life Coach I work with people on their internal dialogue and how it impacts themselves and everything else around them. As parents our every move influences our children. Children have large eyes and two ears, they hear and see everything we do. They are emotional sponges and can FEEL everything in the house! Parents must be aware, insightful, and willing to change their patterns.

Preschoolers Do It

pwooster — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 21:50:06 -0500

My mother has been on/off diets my entire life. I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting with her when I was in junior high. She often enlisted me as her dieting partner inferring I could stand to lose a few pounds too. When she went off the diet, she dragged me along right behind her. I've suffered from body image issues my entire life, which is why I'm particularly sensitive to it in regards to my kids.

I have a 4 year old son who is tall for his age. He isn't scrawny or "thin". He is solid and an extremely healthy eater. He is active. He is outgoing and kind. He is perfect.

At a birthday party this summer for a 5 year old girl I overheard a couple of girls whispering and laughing at my son. He was sitting across the table from them and they were talking about the size of his belly. He wasn't paying attention, but I was.

We eat healthy as a family. We are active as a family. And we will not turn our boys into weight and diet obsessed children. They are perfect already.

Patricia Wooster

www.projectorganiceating.com

www.lifeintheburb.com

www.projectgreengirl.com

Great Read on the Topic

kristendom — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:31:22 -0500

I recently got to meet and talk with a woman who wrote a book all about these issues, Courtney Martin. Her book Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters deals with the issues of eating disorders and, more importantly, disordered eating (yes, they are actually two different things) in young women. One of the things she said that really resonated with me was that we frequently try to role model positive behaviors in front of girls, but if we aren't living what we're role modeling, that's the behavior they really notice. As many of you are noticing, it's a hard habit to break when passed on from our own mothers, but I hope to make a conscientious effort at it - not just for my children, but for myself.

If Only They Knew

mamaVISION — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:47:41 -0500

mamaVISION

I invite all of you to read the answers for yourself on my blog dedicated to being a voice of reason for girls with eating disorders, particularly the post "If Only They Knew"

A few rules of the road I have learned from my community over the past two years:

1) They are watching your every move, comment, and attitude.

2) If someone tells them they are fat, they will never, ever forget it. Did you?

3) Moms are the #1 influence on girls body image, and self esteem. If you don't have it, either will they.

I hope you take a look at the post, the girls can say it much better than I.

mamaV

I have a neice that seems

angelsdream76 — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 21:52:13 -0500

I have a neice that seems to be falling into the eating disorder range. She eats for comfort, she gorges so much that she makes herself sick. She already makes herself throw up when she gets upset. Her mom has told that she is getting a tubby belly and then they withhold food from her saying she is too fat and then eat in front of her. Even making comments on how good the food tastes and if she knew how to eat better, she could have some.
The only problem... she is only 9 years old. And it is killing me see her do this to herself and that no one seems to care. Other than her uncle and me.

Food issues

clueless newlywed — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:49:40 -0500

My mom and I didn't really talk a lot about what foods were healthy when I was growing up. Although, even as I sit and type this comment at age 26, I can never remember a time when my mom wasn't on a diet. I was OK with my weight through high school. I had body image problems, but I wouldn't call it unhealthy. It was a stage.

Then the freshman 15 hit in college, and my dieting craze began. I took diet pills, followed weight watchers, counted calories and secretly weighted myself late at night. Now, my mom and I talk all the time about the workouts we do, the diets we try and our "progress." The more I talk about weight, the less I want to. The obsession can take over your life, and it's never fulfilling.

I want to make sure that when I have children, I pass down healthy eating habits and promote exercise through the activities that I do with them.

I didn't have to ask...

alvenable — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 15:03:26 -0500

I didn't have to ask that question, because my mother answered it for me with a resounding "Yes." Diet pills before I was 10, diet shakes and other concoctions soon after. None of it worked, except to make me look at myself and only see what's wrong. Although I'm getting better thanks to therapy.

As someone who also is still dealing with a strange relationship with my body and weight, I definitely agree that mothers need to seek guidance for their own issues rather than passing it on to their children (sons and daughters).

Dimple and a Smirk (dot) com

Beautiful Advice

JennaHatfield — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 11:16:35 -0500

As a survivor myself, this rings so true:

Instead focus on what hurts mentally instead of how it's playing out
physically. Get professional help and support for yourselves and your
family. Realize it's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

I still struggle with weight issues though no longer disordered eating issues. But this post made me think deeply about what I have said, out loud, with my children in the room. Thank you for your post, your reminder to parents and your advice. Kudos.

FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog

And: the Birth Parent blog and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Mommy, Am I Fat?

Rita Arens — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 09:41:55 -0500

At what point does your daughter start saying that? I was talking to a friend of mine recently about girls and body image, and she mentioned a friend of hers had a reality check when her five-year-old put on a pair of jeans, turned around, and checked out her butt in the mirror. Because that's what she saw her mother do every day while getting dressed.

OUUUCH.

I had an eating disorder in my late teens and early twenties. I was a restricter, a puker, an overactive exerciser, you name it, I did it. My mother had nothing to do with it. She was thin, and she never made me feel bad or weird about my size, even though I was a chubby kid. She enrolled me in exercise classes, fed me the best she knew how and told me all the time she thought I was beautiful. Why did I develop an eating disorder? Personally, I think I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to happen.

So is there no hope for our girls? No, I don't think so. There are things we can do. For one thing, we can stop being self-critical in front of our kids.

Our very own Denise writes:

After a few of those types of posts, I thought it might be interesting to see just how often I saw women talking in negative terms about their bodies, their clothing, and food so I kept track last week. 72 blog posts by women fit into this category and one by a man. How often do you hear women talking negatively about their bodies, their clothing and the food that they eat - and how often do you hear men talk this way?

I know I personally try so hard to check my tongue every time I step on the scale. I look at the numbers, show them to my daughter, and tell her I have a range in which I try to stay because that's what is healthy. Then she weighs herself, not because I ask her to, but because I just did. These children are little sponges. The other day she looked at the number and said, "that's a lot!" And I said, "Actually, you're growing, and I think that's about right." But what if she was not about right? What if she were actually heavy? What would I say then?

Claire writes:

Parents might think they are passing healthy, weight-conscious habits on to their children when in fact what they're often handing down are unhealthy weight obsessions. And for kids who are overweight, shaming and dieting just leads to more weight gain and sometimes eating disorders.

So how do we, as parents, fight both eating disorders and childhood obesity?

I'm not an expert, but as a survivor of an eating disorder, I'd say don't react with anger. Don't put your child on trial. Don't force her to do weigh-ins or offer her rewards for gaining weight. It just won't work. Instead focus on what hurts mentally instead of how it's playing out physically. Get professional help and support for yourselves and your family. Realize it's not a sprint, it's a marathon. An eating disorder isn't going to go away in a few weeks or even a few months, not once it's taken hold. It will be a day-to-day struggle for years until some switch is flipped in the brain that tells the child it's okay to be a normal weight again.

Here's some advice from Antiques Roadshow:

Research has shown that while parents can influence a child’s eating disorder, they are typically not the cause. Known as the Maudsley approach (after the London-based hospital it was developed in), family-centered therapy focuses on helping parents become a support system. Food is the “medicine” to treat the illness, and doctors coach parents and their child through meals and appropriate behavior in a clinical setting. After a few tries, families are then sent home to continue the treatment. Patients benefit from the love and support afamily network provides.

Bottom line, though: Pay attention to your child. Pay attention to what his or her normal weight is. Some children are naturally very slim and others are naturally stocky. What you're looking for is a rapid change that can't be explained with a growth spurt. If suddenly your child is eating every meal away from home, check in to make sure those meals are really being eaten. Take a look at the notches on the belts and the watches. Watch the hands for small cuts made by teeth when a finger is shoved down the throat. Watch for the growth of facial hair on a girl's cheeks or a brittleness to the hair on her head. Most of all, watch her face when she sits down to a plate of food. If she shudders or recoils, you've got problems.

If you suspect an eating disorder, don't ask about food. Ask about feelings. Eating disorders are a physical symptom of mental illness. You didn't cause it, but you can help fight it.