BlogHer - The extent of my romantic ineptitude cannot possibly be overstated. - Comments

I get it...

Liz Rizzo — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 10:52:15 -0500

You're right, when it comes to the lead - the first date, the first phone call/email, early days, etc. - it is so important that you are genuinely positive and watching the TMI. Amen!

I've just found that nowadays people are so eager to jump on the "don't be desperate!" bandwagon when you are not actually being desperate, just expressing feelings to good friends - or writing a blog post, which basically is like, which vein should I tap today? :)

But yeah, men and women both have to watch what they're leading with on early dates, for sure. Watch the negativity for sure.

Then again, for all I know some two people might bond over their antidepressants!

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Yikes!

Kat Wilder — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:00:58 -0500

Liz, I didn't mean to come off as harsh or judgmental, so I apologize if that's how I came off sounding.

I do agree that vulnerability, softness and all the other qualities associated with femininity (and I am a feminine woman, and love that about me, and embrace it, teary eyes and all) are wonderful attributes. I certainly didn't mean to say that one must be strong or put up a strong front. That's disingenuous, anyway, unless that's truly how you are.

But how soon the self-doubt or fear is expressed, and/or how stongly it's expressed and what it's expressed about (sorry for the bad English here!) matters. I have had men on the first date talk about the antidepressants they're taking, and their struggles with their ex, etc., etc. and I'm thinking, "Whoa! Waaay too much for date No. 1. Let's get to know each other a little better first."

Yet some vulnerability expressed early on is totally OK because that's part of being human.

But I've heard my girlfriends talk about themselves in negative terms early on — their weight, etc. — and I don't think that's smart.

I hope that clarifies things. And I don't want to be presumptous about things, either.

Vulnerability is beautiful

Dating Trooper — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:51:48 -0500

Hi Liz,Great post.

How can anyone ever grow if they don't have the courage to face their mistakes? And who doesn't make them, especially when it comes to matters of the heart?! We're rooting for you and certainly relating (at least I am).

I will say that Southern California (and LA in particular as I have lived and dated there) are very difficult to get a serious love life off the ground. Everyone seems so "in transition," like they moved here just to see what life is like living it up in the California sun. But they don't really plan on staying for long, so are not looking for "the one." Or if they do plan on staying, they usually are super career-focused, extremely shallow and just looking for a Paris Hilton armpiece, or gay. Doesn't mean he isn't out there. But it's harder to weed through them all. I have hope for thoughtful, ambitious, talented women like you though!

Dating Trooper
http://www.datingiswarfare.com

Thank you, thank you

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:55:45 -0500

For these great comments.

L.A. is a tough town, I think, with some unique flourishing neuroses. At the same time, there's more single men than women here, so the ratio is in my favor. :) There's no where else I could be, so I remain convinced that my future partner is here. Somewhere.

Kat - I agree with you about the strong sense of self. But this hit me the wrong way, "But if you "can't help wondering if (fearing that), despite all I've learned, I'll just blow it again," your sense of self sounds a bit like it's floundering, and that is like holding up a cross in front of a vampire. It scares people away."

You know, I may have to blog about this next week, this seeming feeling that everyone has to come across as perfectly strong all the time to be romantically appealing. It's kinda harsh, and I'm thinking maybe a bit unrealistic. If someone is scared away by any expressions of self-doubt or fear, then seriously, they can hit the road, because they suck.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Every town is tough ...

Kat Wilder — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 11:10:34 -0500

... although, since I never lived in LaLaLand, I can't say that definitively. It's just that wherever you go, there are men who are shallow and women who are gold-diggers and .... but we don't wnat those types anyway. You have to make community with people you like and who like you. When you say that in "six whole years no one has loved me," I think you do have people who've loved you. They're called friends. And, hopefully, you're loving yourself. But if you "can't help wondering if (fearing that), despite all I've learned, I'll just blow it again," your sense of self sounds a bit like it's floundering, and that is like holding up a cross in front of a vampire. It scares people away.

I'm no relationship expert, but from watching and reading and, yeah, experiencing, I'd say a strong sense of self is key. I wish you luck.

Kat rambles and dishes about love, sex, parenting and relationships (and other stuff) as a midlife divorcee at My-So-called Midlife.

Love in LA

MsMiller — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:49:10 -0500

Hi, Liz. More than once, I've been told -- usually by friends that have moved to or from here -- that LA is the hardest city to date in. Being a native, I don't know whether to agree or not. The disfunction here really isn't in the DNA (at least I hope not), but the fact that we are so spread out, live in our cars, work long hours and have to find a way to afford both cab and martini fare on a night out. It's a lot of work. And if you are a writer/shut-in, then that only adds to it. I've kind of lost two years of my social life by staying glued to the laptop, caught in the creative flow.

And then you meet princes who turn into frogs. Men who forget to disclose the whole truth. Internet ~~shoppers~~ daters. I think we've made it hard because we believe we have all these options when our grandparents had a couple of dates or letter exchanges and made lives together...for life! I'm not saying they are all blissful, happy unions. But some were. And they weren't searching for their soulmates. They were looking for someone to build a life with...wait. I think I got a little off topic. Sorry.

You are in a tough town when it comes to love. Hang in there, though. I'm also told that it seems to find you when you aren't looking/least expect it. And it's not always the package you expect. Being a Buddhist (holla!), and one who believes in soulmates, it's difficult to let go of attachment and expectation, be detached (in a good way) and to welcome in patience (especially if you are an A-type Aries). Yeah. I'm going to go chant now. I'll throw in a few rounds for you and the rest of us sweet singles. ;)

Cheers,

Sandra

Read more at http://ruawake.com/ or follow me at http://twitter.com/msmiller

You are being incredibly hard on yourself. Stop!

Vered — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:35:41 -0500

I'm glad you're not a "mainstream romance columnists". It's great to think with you and learn with you and follow your journey. I hate when people give advice anyway. "None of us are ever experts for everyone else. We're all always learning" - So true.

---

Vered DeLeeuw

I blog at MomGrind

I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs

Your romantic ineptitude

Pam — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:30:34 -0500

may not be able to be overstated. But also, your ability to craft a hilarious headline? Beyond words.

Good luck, Liz. A wicked sense of humor and a soft heart are a fatal combination.

Pam

Nerd's Eye View

The extent of my romantic ineptitude cannot possibly be overstated.

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 20:04:33 -0500

I've been in Los Angeles for six years now (yes, counting the years represents a total fail on a New Year's Resolution), and in that time I honestly believe that I have made almost entirely poor romantic decisions. I mean, six years of almost total fail.

I didn't listen to friend's good advice when I was too naive to know better. More recently, I listened to friend's bad advice when I knew myself and the situation better.

I have made decisions based on laziness. I have made decisions based on fear. And not even fear of being alone. That's at least a common, understandable fear. Oh no, it's much more neurotic than that. A blog post for another day, perhaps.

Anyhoo, here I am. I find myself a free fish, let off every hook. My heart's still hung up at the moment - on a never-blogged, so don't even try - but that switch is bound to flip eventually even as I irrationally fight against it. The heart says, "But, but, but"; the mind says, "Shut up! Shut up!" (The body says, "You guys are killing me.") So, free then. Me and my stupid heart.

Have learned A LOT. Like, A LOT a lot.

But I can't help wondering if (fearing that), despite all I've learned, I'll just blow it again.

I mean, here I am in a new day. New strengths and knowledge. Almost available for new romance. What if six years from now it's twelve years of bad decisions?

I find it rather staggering that in six whole years no one has loved me and that I haven't forged a partnership anywhere near those of my teens and twenties. Yet, looking back, it's been one bad decision after another since I moved to the La La.

I can't really blame that on the ether.

And these leaps of faith, they just keep getting harder. I know I have to trust myself that I truly have learned to listen to my heart AND my mind AND my body. Because I think that's what it's all been about, really. Weighting one over the other at any given time, to my detriment. With the heart being the inevitable loser. Can't believe I did that, when I think about it now.

Maybe it's a good sign that the decisions are getting harder? I mean, the Hunky Actor coming back that last time, that was a tough one. I still see both sides of that coin, though I'm leaning towards "run" with my 20/20 hindsight.

I gotta say, though, at least *somebody* brought me some damn flowers, and you do have to give weight to someone clearly coming at you, no matter the obvious risk. See, that was a tough one.

And I think about your mainstream romance columnists. So many "experts." What makes someone a romance expert? A sociology degree? A dating book or two? Until their divorce. Or worse, maybe they stay in a bad relationship to save face. The truth is, none of us are ever experts for everyone else. We're all always learning, the world's always changing, and we all have different wants and needs.

I hope that you don't mind that I lean towards a more Buddhist philosophy of relationship blogging, if you will. I was taught that Buddha didn't want anyone to follow him blindly. Rather, he asked that you consider his words and decide for yourself what made sense to you. I think that relates perfectly to the blogosphere. And any and all relationship advice or commentary, really.

We share our experiences and our thoughts and what we think and what we're trying, and what works and what doesn't. I've been working on the "what doesn't" column, it would seem.

Just for all you'all.

But seriously, I have learned a lot of truths for myself in the last six years. And I'm going to keep trying to apply them and keep being open to love.

Next time around, here's hoping it's more about what WORKS.

The blogosphere speaks:

I don't love him - from Sshcsc's Weblog, she's free of bad love.

Pitty Party - From Penny Pincher at Pinch the Pennies (say all that five times fast!), sounds like she's free of bad love, too, but none to happy about it.

August 27th - A beautiful post from Lyra at My Song about the winding path to love and the magic that happens when we respect someone's past.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.