BlogHer - Rejection: It Happens to Everyone - Comments

I like that.

Zandria — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:01:40 -0500

"Learning experience" is a good phrase, too. I'm glad you had such good luck with Yahoo Persons. 19 out of 20 is pretty darn good, I'd say! :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

I met Mr. "Right"

tarasd72 — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:54:35 -0500

Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC

On Yahoo personals. It was a fluke. I was done with men. My sister pushed the issue. So I joined. Met a few nice guys, some duds, a real freak, and then my now adorable husband. However in my back pocket I always kept a detailed list of what I wanted in a man, looks, profession, personality, etc. I had 20 items. My husband met 19 of those items. Now I'm trying to convience him to get butt implants so he'll have all 20! ;)~ It was difficult to be rejected. I reminded myself that the right man would show up if the Universe felt it was to be. We've been married 4 years and have a beautiful 10 month old daughter. Instead of rejection, try it's a learning experience! Good Luck!!

Thanks!

ecuanica — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 22:39:41 -0500

Yeah, I just needed to hear that. I know that's the best thing I can do for myself. Thanks again.

This could just be me...

Zandria — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:25:38 -0500

If a guy I really liked told me that he wanted to continue meeting other women through Match, I'd have to do the same (meeting new guys, that is). As much as you like him, if he's not ready to give you the commitment you want, you don't want someone else to pass you by when he could decide next week, or next month, or even farther in the future, that he'd rather be with someone else.

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Question for the group

ecuanica — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:17:45 -0500

Hi there,

I'm very new to blogging, so not sure if my question is better posed in a new thread. But any feedback would be great. About a month ago, I took the plunge and joined Match. Traded a few emails with a few guys. The third guy I met in person...wow! Instant chemistry..the kind I haven't felt in years. I've been trying to keep my cool about the whole thing. Things feel like they're progressing fast and I don't really care to meet up with other potentials (other than as friends). But I'm not sure where things stand on his side. He's admitted that he's seeing a few others but none are at the level that we have. So as you can imagine, now I'm not sure if I should close the door on the others. He and I both are still on Match so I feel like part of my privacy is not there. Thoughts, anyone?

Perfect timing!

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:55:02 -0500

I just jumped back into the online dating pool yesterday, so I appreciate the refresher on rejection!

You make all great points. I'm sure I'll be referring back to this. ;)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Good idea

Janers0217 — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 21:00:09 -0500

That's probably a good idea. I'm not currently using any of the sites, but if I ever go back to one, I'll try to do that.

Janet + http://fuzzypinkslippers.com = love

I think it works the same with any dating service.

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:56:35 -0500

Whether it's Craigslist, or Match, or eHarmony, or Yahoo Personals. Some people are going to be attracted to you, others won't.

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Oh, no!

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:55:27 -0500

Maybe you should have a friend look at your profile? Sometimes we're not the best judges with these kinds of things.

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Answer: no!

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:53:58 -0500

If I have no desire to kiss the guy, why would I want to see him again? There must be chemistry!

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Self-selection: that's a good term!

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:52:54 -0500

There are definitely people I don't look twice at, and I'm sure it's the same way for people who look at me. As long as I remember that, I don't get my feelings hurt. :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Exactly right!

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:51:40 -0500

If I think there MIGHT be something there, I'm not opposed to going out with someone a second time. But if I can definitely tell there isn't a spark, I don't want to waste my time. :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Craig's List

rebellious thinker — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:53:25 -0500

I have never met anyone from the dating websites, only from Craig's List personals. I cannot explain it; the picture that I have posted is the same picture that some guys on Craig's List reject and others tell me how beautiful I am. Oh, the ways of the world and the minds of men.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

At least you've gotten to

Janers0217 — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:50:42 -0500

At least you've gotten to meet the guy. Apparently I'm so off-putting that no one even gets past my profile on those kind of sites.

At least your file isn't labeled Rejects!

keyster94 — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:36:16 -0500

I've done the online dating thing a bit and know what you mean. I have rejected as many as have rejected me before meeting. Once meeting, if there is no chemistry, you have to do what you have to do. I mean, do you really want to continue if you have no desire to kiss the guy?

~Kelly

http://www.30somethingandsearching.today.com/<

Rejection: It Happens to Everyone

Zandria — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 12:59:40 -0500

If you decide to engage in online dating, you have to get used to being rejected. There’s no way around it. As a single woman who publicly proclaims that she’s “looking,” you’re no longer dealing with rejection on an occasional basis -- it’s not like meeting random people at a bar, or attempting to chat up a hottie on the Metro, or giving a sly smile to the person behind you while waiting for your lunch.

When you post a photo and description online for anyone to see -- when you accept the fact that you’ll be going on multiple dates if you’re going to find the right person -- you either have a pretty good idea already that you’ll be dealing with rejection or you come to terms with it very quickly. Nobody is immune to it, no matter how beautiful or wonderful we (or other people) think we are.

Rejection can arrive in many forms. Maybe you’ll send emails and virtual “winks” to people you’re interested in that are never returned. (Check.) Maybe your in-person date goes well but you never hear from that person again. (Check.) Maybe someone will pursue you via email for a few weeks while they’re out of town on vacation, and you finally invite him to meet up with you and your friends at the place you’re planning to be on a Saturday night. And then he doesn’t show up. And he doesn’t respond to your text message, the one that says, “We’re here. Where are you?” And then you get an email from him a week later that says, “Why haven’t I heard from you? I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.” (Uh...check.)

You have to have a certain amount of confidence. You have to realize that when rejection comes at such an early stage, it has a high likelihood of not being personal. They’ve simply looked at you, or talked to you for a while, and decided you’re not the person for them. Maybe, in that person’s opinion, I’m too tall. Maybe they don’t like how I described myself in my profile. Maybe they don't like my body type. Maybe my hair is too blond, or not blond enough.

This happens all the time, and it’s okay. In fact, it’s the way it should be. I’d rather know the truth about how someone feels sooner rather than later -- so, in actuality, these people are doing me a favor. There’s a much smaller possibility that feelings will be hurt when the rejection comes in the beginning instead of after you’ve developed genuine feelings for someone.

Here’s something else I have to keep in mind: I reject people, too. I do it ALL THE TIME. And if it’s okay for me to do the rejecting? I have to accept that it’s okay for other people to do it. (I even have a special label in my Gmail account that I use for people whose emails and “winks” I decide not to respond to. Appropriately, the label is called “Rejected.”)

I’ve met some people in person, and then, after the first date, or after several dates, I decide I don’t want to see them again. It hasn’t been due to anything being glaringly wrong (at least so far). They’re decent-looking, and all of them have been nice. (Yes, I’ve been pretty lucky. I haven’t met anyone in person who was weird, or rude, or looked substantially different from their online photos -- well, not too much, at least. One person did toe the line a bit.)

I rejected them because I didn’t feel a spark. There wasn’t anything about them that gave me a distinct feeling I wanted to see them again. Sometimes this is apparent right away, but sometimes it takes a little longer before you arrive at this realization.

When I know it’s right, it’ll be right.

Related Reading:

After Shannon went on a date, the guy sent her “what amounts to a rejection form letter.”

Amelia is adamant that she wants a man who is taller than she is, but her dating site keeps sending her men who are too short.

Parakeet asks if you’d reject dating a friend of an ex, even if you and your ex-boyfriend have been broken up for a long period of time. (Unsurprisingly, a majority of the responders said they wouldn’t reject the ex's friend.)

Evelyn Lim: 7 Tips On How to Handle Rejection In Life

(Contributing editor Zandria wants to start living the life she imagines.)