BlogHer - Not Bad Words: "We Can't Afford It" - Comments

Starting them young on money is a good idea

shana — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:46:58 -0500

I always thought that starting the kids young with matters of money is a good way to ease them naturally into financial confidence and independence that will stay with them for life with endless benefits. I talked to my kids about money as I would with adults and explained to them where it's coming from, how hard it is to come by and how it should be respected and used. I guess in this context also explaining them the notion of afordability would be apropriate as long as they take it as a normal fact rather than something to worry about, and in that sense I see no problem in telling things as they are regarding stuff that we cannot afford at a given time.

As soon as they grew more and started to show interest in money and have more of it, I showed them the power and benefits of good budgeting not as a theory but as a method that I use myself to ensure that I am not living beyond my means and among other things can have extra money for them too. I used to actually encourage them to keep a budget on paper which worked great but for my current teenager this time I discovered a great little free online budgeting utility that is a Godsend for parents who want to get their kids into the habit of budgeting.

It's called Out Of The Dark (OOTD) located on the web at:
http://www.myexp.org/OOTD_gate.php

I love how simple and easy it is to use and understand, and it is also anonymous to use. I found it to be a good tool that helped me introduce budgeting in a way that does not feel like a big chore which can be a deal maker for teenagers.

Good luck.

It's a fine line

stanle17y — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 21:49:42 -0500

I struggle with this issue and my daughter is not yet four. I believe you have to start teaching kids about money at a young age; particularly in today's world. It's too late when they're knee-deep in debt and trying to pay for college at the same time. I think as long as you don't say it all the time, saying you "can't afford it" is a good life lesson. There is a fine line between protecting our kids and sheltering them. They shouldn't grow up thinking money grows on trees; that's not fair to them.

I will definitely use the clothing allowance when the time comes. Thanks for this great post.

Mommy Wizdom

I usually remind my daughter

kauihart — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 12:27:08 -0500

I usually remind my daughter that we can't just get what we want. Things cost money. We work to make money. It's a concept she (4 years old) can grasp. Her good behavior/helpfulness I reward with "points," which can later be used to buy something of her choice. I think that we are bombarded by commercials, magazines, peers telling us what we should desire, but that tells me I have that power as well. I make buying a used dvd at the library desirable, as well as used library books. Books, a trip to the coffee shop for a muffin, a skirt or dress--these are all things she wants. Of course, there are those times she wants Barbies or some horrific snack, but hey, sometimes you have to give them free reign. They earned it, they spend it, but hopefully, most often, they'll spend it wisely.

Great article!!

--How to Party with an Infant

http://www.partywithaninfant.blogspot.com

http://www.kauiharthemmings.com

Not a bad thing to say

mstaz1112 — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 09:56:34 -0500

We do tell our daughter we can't get something or do something right now. We offer her the chance to earn money to buy things she wants or we have to plan how to take a trip. Our son doesn't understand yet, so we tell him we'll come back another day and get whatever he's asking for. He usually forgets about it.

My parents did the same with me and I understand that some things were really out of reach for our family and not realistic.

Words Have Power

ajpassey — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 01:03:14 -0500

I agree with all that's been said about teaching children financial responsibility and I am so grateful to my mom for the lessons she shared both explicitly and through her example.

However, I believe strongly that our words have power. To me saying "We can't afford it" limits what comes into our lives. I don't want my children to spend the rest of their lives in poverty (real or perceived) because they believe they can't afford something better.

I agree with the comments on helping children problem solve a way to get what they want. That's a valuable lesson as well. Our society is too entrenched in the instant-gratification mentality and a parents we need to be cycle-breakers for out children. There are opportunities that I missed in my adolescence because I was not prepared financially. While I may be sad about the missed opportunity, I have created opportunities since then because I had a clear vision of what I wanted and what it would take to get it.

I think those lessons can be taught without also teaching the limiting belief of "We can't afford it."

Amber

CraftingInspiration.blogspot.com

Great Article

MommyNamedApril — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 19:44:48 -0500

I am SO grateful my parents taught me the value of a dollar. Even though they COULD afford it, the refrain in our home was 'you don't NEED it.' If it was something over and above what we needed, then we had to come up with the cash for the item. We also, never had allowances. We were able to earn money by doing specific extra jobs or chore items, but routine chores were something that we did because we were part of the family, not because we got paid for them.

This has instilled in me a very real understanding of the dollar that I have noticed is lacking in so many others. I have countless (ok, maybe I could count them...) friends who spend every dollar of their paycheck to buy name brand clothes for themselves and their children, to buy new expensive cars and to be seen at trendy restaurants. I just sit back in my thrift store jeans, with my used base model car and coupon clipped groceries and know that I will be secure in my future.

It makes me sad for them, but it also makes me worried about who will be paying the price when their kids go to college, but they haven't saved any money to help, or if there's a medical emergency and they have no money for the bills, and what about when they're ready to retire???

Sorry for the rant...

April

www.AprilsLittleFamily.blogspot.com

Quality Not Quantity

rebellious thinker — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 09:23:00 -0500

I am continuing in the shopping tradition started by my grandmother with my mother, and then my mother with me, and now me with my daughters: quality not quantity. I much prefer that they understand that to have something good, which can last a while, is better than just buying. This both makes them understand that purchases need to be considered and are not something to do just to do them. It also makes them value what we purchase and to realize that they better really like it, because it's going to be around a while. And with the ultimate control of the purse, they know that they won't get anything if they don't show to me that they have considered these points. They also know to always look at the sale rack first, and to comparison shop.

Two weeks ago my daughters went to the mall together to shop for dresses for an important family occasion: they knew to consider cost, and use in the future. I have to say, they did my grandmother proud.

Laura, www.rebelliousthoughtsofawoman.com

Fabulous Post

Megan Smith — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:40:02 -0500

Hi Shannon,

What a great post, with very good advice. I loved the story about the Mom explaining that the saleswoman made money if she sold the little girl something.

I would add that it's important to teach kids about commercials and advertising. How what you see may not be what you get, and how ads and commercials are designed to make you think you need something when you may not.

Megan Smith
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/YouTube
Megan's Minute: Quirky Commentary Around The Clock

Let me rephrase

relocatedyank — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:32:32 -0500

Shannon:

I understand now where "we can't afford that" comes into play. vs. when to say "it's not in the budget" and I apologize if I didn't get the true meaning of it on my original comment.

Yes, you are right there are things that we CAN'T afford... and then there are things that are not in the budget. I think that with my two, we've not yet asked for anything that I couldn't afford, but many things that are not in the budget.

Regardless, I'll stand on my original statement that we do need to teach our kids the importace of financial responsibility. :D

Heather

Desperately Seeking Sanity

http://www.desperatelyseekingsanity.com

I agree

Southerngirl — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:24:28 -0500

I do think your handling of the situation is what is key. I knew as a kid that we did not have a lot of money but my parents never talked about what they wanted in terms of things. They always acted as if they had everthing they wanted. My mom always ending every prayer by thanking God for her car, house and all the blessings he has given her. I in turn pass that on to my kids. I tell them and show them that we don't value our things as much as each other. I make our lives fun and let my kids make a lot of choices on what they wear and how we eat. We cannot afford to eat out a lot so we have new recipe night where they pick out a recipe set the table with 'good dishes' and we cook and laugh and sometimes enjoy the food when it is bad we have a hotdog and mark that off the list. Instead of the movies we have our own movie night complete with popcorn and snacks with 2 $1 movies from the red box. Saturday breakfasts are a must if we don't have pancakes there is a mutiny! My kids are always telling me about 'poor' kids at school, and wanting to help them. Little do they know they probaly fit into that same catagory!

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

Very interesting!

Kathy333 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:17:40 -0500

So funny, I posted about this topic on Allbusiness yesterday!

I read this in a magazine recently and I don't agree that we shouldn't share this with our children. Sure, I wouldn't tell my daughters that we couldn't afford to pay the mortgage if we couldn't, but if we can't afford to buy XYZ just because my daughter wants it, I explain this to her.

I also explain the idea behind savings, and we practice this in our home regularly though she is only four. I believe learning this when I was a kid really helped me become a responsible financial decision maker. I also believe it taught me the difference between needs and wants, and that I can't always get what I want when I want it.

Great post!

Kathy

Mama Marathoner

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Good Points!

mrshart03 — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:05:43 -0500

Thanks for the tips about helping our kids be fiscally responsible. I agree that "We can't afford that" are not bad words. My husband and I are in ministry, and there are lots of things that we 'can't afford', but that doesn't mean we suffer for it. God provides MUCH more than we need, all the time. For example, I can count on one hand the number of toys we've purchased for our son, but he has more toys (all given to us) than a whole daycare needs.

Some friends who are in a similar ministry tell their children that they can't have things because their family is 'poor', and the kids repeat it. I think that's where you cross the line into breeding discontent and worry in your children's minds. Overall, I think if you as a parent are content & have a cheerful attitude about your family's finances, instead of constantly wishing for more or complaining, that carries over into your kids' attitudes.

I'm Glad I'm Not The Only One

mommasgotatimeout — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:18:36 -0500

Who says "No!" It comes in almost all of the various forms listed above, but I know that giving my son and daughter a sense of actual financial perception will be invaluble in the future. I think about all of the kids (mostly my sister's kids) who go to the salon for $100 highlights, drive new cars, and such. They honestly think they can do all of this on the salary they'll start with straight out of college.

I'd much rather my kids do without, than be the credit crisis of the future.

Julia

My mom did clothing allowances too.

Alanna Kellogg — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:32:13 -0500

Yikes, as I recall, it was $25 and I'm 90% sure that was per QUARTER, not per month. I remember it was really hard to stretch that far, even back in the, um, I can't say it, let's just say some decades ago.

Alanna Kellogg
Kitchen Parade &
A Veggie Venture

Not in the budget, not on the list...

Liz Thompson — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 12:17:27 -0500

Not in the budget, not on the list...these the two phrases that all four of my children have me say, over and over again. That's not to say that they are deprived. Just, that they understand the difference between "want" and "need." My two oldest both have steady babysitting gigs and make way more money than...well, you know...My husband and I have taught them well. Because, now they give US an allowance ;o) Great post, Shannon!

--------------------------------------------

This Full House

This Full House Reviews

Imperfect Parent

Not Bad Words: "We Can't Afford It"

rocksinmydryer — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 09:12:39 -0500

This is a media-saturated culture, resulting in kids with increasingly sophisticated taste. Couple that with tight economic times, and you have a recipe for stress for parents.

Last week, Newsweek writer Karen Springen addressed this issue in a piece called "The Devils Want Prada", an article outlining specific ways to help kids learn to keep realistic expectations when it comes to brand-name clothing. She reported that

with more and more TV shows about wealthy teens, like the CW network’s “Gossip Girl” and MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16” on the airwaves, parents may find themselves bombarded with an unprecedented number of requests for $140 Coach bags and $60 Abercrombie jeans.

Springen's tips included helping teens and tweens understand their motivations in desiring expensive things, being honest about the "financial picture", and avoiding belittling their desires:

When they want to splurge on expsnive brand names, don't say, "That's silly," says psychologist Lisa Medoff, author of SOS: Stressed Out Students' Guide Handling Peer Pressure. "It is a big deal to them. Don't write it off." Instead, say, "It's really disappointing because it's so expensive. It's not in our budget."

I agree with her. I don't believe it's a bad thing for kids to hear the phrase "we can't afford it." Gently teaching tweens and teens to adjust their expectations makes for responsible adults. When you can't afford something, you simply don't buy it.

Vickie, of Pursuing Simplicity and the mother of three teens, tells how her family has handled the pressure to buy brand-named items, by putting the power back in the kids' hands:

We pay up to 35.00 for athletic shoes/back to school shoes. If they want the latest and greatest athletic shoe for back to school, for example 100.00 shoes, they have to come up with the difference. This has taught them various ways to look for their shoes.

Linda Degus-Barns writes at Frugal Mom how she's tried to teach her kids the value of a dollar from the earliest days:

As a family unit, we decided to teach our son just how much time it takes to earn a dollar. We sat down and discussed how hard Daddy has to work in order to buy "xzy." How hard other people have to work in order to buy "xyz." We tried to teach him that living a frugal life, one without constant wanting, will be a happier, freer existence. It will be less stressful for the entire family, the little things in life will become "wonderful, big things," in life. Getting an ice cream cone will be a special treat, and not something ordinary.

Sharon Harvey Rosenberg of The Frugal Duchess got very frank with her ten-year-old daughter after a salesperson got extra-friendly during recent shopping trip:

"She's not really your friend," I blurted out. "She just wants you to buy all that stuff that she picked out for you."

"You mean she doesn't really like me?" My daughter is visibly distressed.

I soften up and carefully select my words.

"Sure, she likes you. But she also likes your business. She wants you to buy those outfits. She makes more money when you spend more money," I said.

That kind of honesty is critically important. We have to teach our children to decipher the "buzz" thrown at them, and help them the see their worth lies much deeper than the label on the back of their jeans. As Vickie of Pursuing Simplicity says,

We have really focused on the needs/wants with our children. They don't have all the latest and greatest when they first come out. We want to teach them contentment and patience.

It might be a harder path for parents in the short-run, but in the long-run, it grows kids into smart adults. Isn't that the core of what we're supposed to be doing?

Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.