http://www.blogher.com/whats-question Comments for "What's the question?" en http://www.blogher.com/whats-question <p><span><span>Where is this “inner strength” I’m supposed to develop?<span>  </span>Where is the “new normal?”<span>  </span>When do I stop catapulting between wanting to sleep forever and being unable to close my eyes?<span>  </span>When do I get to see my living boy as more than the one who lived?<span>  </span>When do I get to be ME again?<span>  </span>Do I ever get to be me again or this horrible shrew who just explodes at the slightest provocation?<span>  </span>When will I stop being pulled between anger and exhaustion?<span>  </span>All this crap about “experience the grief and it will make you stronger” doesn’t help me one bit.<span>  </span>I can’t look at her things, they sit there like macabre ornaments, this weird little box, an urn, and two plaster hearts – that’s all I have left.<span>  </span>I can’t feel her presence, there’s no assurance that she’s reborn, nothing, I can’t feel anything anymore.<span>  </span>I just want to cry myself to sleep.<span>  </span>Things are falling apart at the seams, more and more the world just seems unreal, unbalanced.<span>  </span>It’s a gorgeous day outside and I’m inside ready to scream, the house is a filthy disgusting hovel and I can’t seem to motivate myself to clean it, I have no appetite but I stuff myself with whatever I can find in the fridge because it’s something to do to try and fill the hole.<span>  </span>I make sweets and gobble them.<span>  </span>I make tons of noodles, potatoes, quesadillas, beans.<span>  </span>I eat what’s on my plate, I go back for seconds, I eat my son’s leftovers too.<span>  </span>It’s got to stop or I’ll be Gilbert Grape’s mother and have a heart attack when I try to return to some kind of normal.<span>  </span>I now weigh 315 pounds. I'll admit it - maybe that will help. My old workout t-shirts, which were huge so I could sweat unobserved (even in shape I was not a skinny minnie), now cling to the huge fat rolls I’ve developed.<span>  </span>Food isn’t the answer.<span>  </span>The problem is that I don’t know what the answer is. I'm not even sure what the question is anymore.  Six months out and I'm drowning, just drowning, just when everyone assumes I'm supposed to be &quot;all better.&quot;</span></span></p> http://www.blogher.com/whats-question#comments Body Image Mommy &amp; Family Fashion Gender Fri, 10 Oct 2008 12:56:12 -0500 mothercrone 57058 at http://www.blogher.com