Yeah, but I was talking to myself, Deb, not you!

Nordette — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 20:54:31 -0500

LOL. I'm glad you got a message from it or at least a reminder of what you already know. I was telling readers this information like I've got it down, but honestly, I remain in remedial classes on mainting a contented spirit. Frequently I have to preach at myself to act and not fall into fearful paralysis. :-)

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Can't hurt

Nordette — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 20:49:59 -0500

While repressing genuine emotion is not good, I think it doesn't hurt us to focus on the positive and not wallow in our sadness. It's a lesson I have to relearn periodically, however.

I enjoyed reading Aunt Pearl's blog post. She makes it sound easy, but learning not to worry and obsess about bad news is not so simple for the rest of us. I like that she gave some insight into her past when she was not thinking happy thoughts. :-)

Thank you for your comment.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

I appreciate that

Nordette — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 20:44:53 -0500

Thank you, Maria. I appreciate your compliment. :-)

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

Perfect Timing

debra roby — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 21:09:17 -0500

Nordette,

This post was what I needed when I needed it. (How do you manage to do that so often?) I need to hold the idea of determining Can I change it or Must I accept it. And most importantly:

we must act with courage to effect change.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Weight for Deb

Finding Intrinsic Happiness...

sara_callow — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:40:51 -0500

May also reduce a persons need to fill their life with things - using material possessions to compensate for what makes them unhappy.

In fact, getting away from the materialistic culture that has dominated American consumerism the last many years may be a longer term solution to the financial crisis than any government sponsored bailout.

Though getting out of the hole is probably important too... not too many people are able to escape the pressing worry of debt in the same way that Aunt Pearl does, and if it was that easy to get away from the worry, we might be enclined to continue to enlarge our deep holes.

These crazy times can worry anyone though, so it's nice to think about happiness.

Broken Corset

Beautifully put

Maria Niles — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:07:34 -0500

As suggested at the top of this post, for all the studies and scientific breakthroughs (excluding research that suggest the existence of a happy gene), lessons in happiness remain the same: Joy is internal not external, and we tap into that well by changing our attitudes and taking positive action. Happiness is within.

I believe this is so true and you've described it perfectly.

ConsumerPop Marketing
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The Blue Bird of Happiness in Troubled Times

Nordette — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:39:41 -0500

I've been toying with happiness lately, actually all my life, I guess. Perhaps we all search for that blue bird of happiness, hoping happiness will settle in our spirit mystically. But as someone who struggles with depression, and I don't mean simple, everyday blues, I sometimes go on journeys into self, screaming for answers, whispering, and humming too. I think half of me is content more than half of the time, but the other half must be whipped into bliss. What I've learned about the notion of being happy is nothing new: Happiness, indeed, is found within, and yes, our lives are works in progress.

Cliches become cliches for a reason: They contain some truth. Yet, each generation and individual seem to struggle repeatedly to find the same truth. Articles about how to be happy abound.

The question is do we believe the advice we read about being happy or do we remain in if-only mode--if only I were rich, if only I were thin, if only Bob loved me? Perhaps a better question is what do we think happiness is or resembles and do we believe we deserve it?

If you noticed in my introduction, I said that half of me is content. I did not say "happy" because that word conjures images of bright eyes and smiles 24-7. Nevertheless, I believe that when we rest in a state of contentment, being satisfied with what we have, we're much more likely to seize moments of joy. For the sake of consistency, however, I'll stick to the word happy for the rest of this post.

Now a word on what's bumming us out.

I'm sure you've heard someone say lately, "I'm so sick of this election. I can't wait until it's over!" And if you haven't heard that, then you've heard something about the bailout, folks worried about losing jobs, losing a home, or someone's expressed concern about the safety of their money in a bank. Toss in the health care crisis, worries about children, crime, too many credit cards, maybe a sick parent, the war on terror, and the latest natural disaster and it's a wonder some of us manage to rise from bed each morning.

I've been trying to live my life accepting that there's always something down the road to moan about that will get to us sooner if we look for it; so, if you must look prepare and if you don't look don't worry. Furthermore, since I was a teen I've wrestled with the lesson in the Serenity Prayer, something I learned early growing up with an alcoholic.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity Prayer)

No matter how many articles or books I read, lectures I get from friends and family, or sermons from ministers--no matter how many rounds with a therapist--it seems a clear path to a pleasant life is in that brief meditation above.

Whether you pray to a deity or simply contemplate the prayer's words in your mind, the petition makes sense. Life's challenges are divided into to two parts: what we can change and what we must accept. What trips us up is a failure to recognize which challenges fall into which categories and the inability to bide our time wisely while we figure it out.

But for the challenges we face that we recognize are in our control, there is only one solution if we want change: we must act with courage to effect change.

Chasing the Bird

Taking action to achieve any goal, even peace of mind, need not be dramatic, and taking action to get from sadness to happiness is no different because often happiness is the sense of joyful release. In times of crisis taking action to relieve stress is acting to achieve happiness. Simple deeds such as putting children to bed, quieting our minds, and sipping a cup of tea can be an act toward happiness, for instance. In other words, sometimes the decision to do nothing for a while works wonders. At other times, however, we may need bolder deeds.

I talked to a friend today who lives in New Mexico. The last time I talked to her I was evacuating for Hurricane Gustav. We spent time then ranting about the presidential election and she said, "If they vote that woman into office, I mean it, Nordette, I'm leaving the country!"

I responded, "Well, I guess I better do something to prevent that because I want you here." And then we laughed.

Today when I talked to her and brought up the election and campaign nastiness, she said, "Nordette, I can't even think about that. I'm doing what I can. I've been going out to help register voters, and I've volunteered to drive people to the polls who don't have cars."

So, taking action relieved that stress in her life. But what about when it's a crisis that seems out of reach such as the economic crisis? If you're in debt, you can't go out and register some cash into your bank account. No one's going to drop $1 million in your lap, and you may not be able to find a new job or get a raise immediately either to make you feel better.

Crazy Aunt Pearl has some answers for us. She tosses the economic crisis into the things you can't change category and has decided to be happy in spite of Wall Street gloom.

There are two big things I learned during my own personal financial crisis. One: No matter how big a hole you're in, you can choose how you feel about it. And two: You are not your stuff. ...

That first one was a huge shift for me (in every part of my life, not just finances.) I used to be someone who spent a LOT of time arguing for my unhappiness. I heard myself one night on the phone to my parents, it was about four years ago and my ex-husband was still a then-husband and he had moved out and my mom was trying to tell me something positive, I don't even remember what it was, and I started off with a long list of why that particular positive thing wasn't good at all. Because of this, and because of that, and this other thing, and I was giving her a whole list of all the reasons I was unhappy. I was arguing for my unhappiness. I could actually hear myself there on the phone coming up with all the reasons my life was awful and empty and dire. It was sad, being that person, the one who doesn't stand up for her happiness but instead defends all her misery. ...

So no matter how deep and wide and vast and dark the hole is that you're in, you get to choose. You get to decide if you're going to make a list of all the things you lack, loathe, fear and worry about. Or you get to sit in that exact same hole and say, "Wow, this is a big dark hole I am in. It sure will be nice once I get out of here. While I'm here, though, think of all the nice people who have been concerned for me down here, or who want to hear my jokes. I still get to eat. I drink wine. I have really cute cats. I might go try on some of my shoes now, since I am paying them off and all. Thank God this hole is wide enough for me to walk around in! I can wear all my shoes!" And so on. (Crazy Aunt Pearl)

Pearl has decided not only to be happy, but that she deserves to be happy. Information in an Oprah Magazine article indicates Pearl's practicing one of the "Five Things Happy People Do," decide and believe they deserve to be happy.

"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life. (Five Things Happy People Do)

That same article also says that we spend too much time doing activities that don't bring us joy. No, it doesn't give us license to never do the dishes again, but it does suggest that we back off a bit on doing what we hate and replace those activities with at least a few minutes of some activity we enjoy. This advice is supported with scientific research, some of which says we can fake the physical signs of happiness and feel better.

Facial expressions don’t merely reflect emotions, they also affect emotions. In “facial feedback,” studies show, the mere act of smiling makes people happier—even when they smile mechanically, as I’m doing, or when they’re asked not to “smile” but rather to contract specific facial muscles.

Random smiling is an example of my resolution to “Act as I want to feel”: while people suppose that feelings inspire actions, in fact, actions also inspire feelings. So by acting happier, I should feel happier. And you know, I think I do. “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,” Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” (The Happiness Project)

As I said, I've been seeing a lot about happiness lately. A CNN article in its money section suggests you can make yourself feel better by making a list of 10 things to feel good about, which I think is another version of tracking gratitude, the type of exercise I mentioned at the beginning of "Families and the Economic Crisis: What's Cut From Your Family Budget?"

In addition to the CNN article, I found at Real Simple 9 Things You Can Do to Be Happy in the Next 30 Minutes. Talk about instant results! And the September issue of First Magazine had a cover article, Kelly Ripa's secret to happiness.

CNN also had this video report of a woman who's content with life after paying off $30,000 in debt over 15 months. She's learned to live simply, to do without some extras, and she's happier for it.

If you follow the links in this post or watch the video, you'll find none of this advice is the kind we get from Madison Avenue advertisements. No one is saying that material possessions make you happy, at least not in the long-term. In fact, the "Five Things That Happy People Do" article says if we live in a constant state of if only--"if only I could lose 20 pounds, etc."--we defeat happiness. The article places this type of happiness based on the external under hedonistic happiness and declares it fleeting.

As suggested at the top of this post, for all the studies and scientific breakthroughs (excluding research that suggest the existence of a happy gene), lessons in happiness remain the same: Joy is internal not external, and we tap into that well by changing our attitudes and taking positive action. Happiness is within.

Hmm. Perhaps nextime I'll tackle the virtue of the blues or "The road to hell is paved with happy plans."

Nordette is a Contributing Editor to BlogHer.com, and you may read her personal blog post on another site at WSATA.

BlogHer - The Blue Bird of Happiness in Troubled Times - Comments

Yeah, but I was talking to myself, Deb, not you!

Can't hurt

I appreciate that

Perfect Timing

Finding Intrinsic Happiness...

Beautifully put

The Blue Bird of Happiness in Troubled Times