BlogHer - The Mommy Wars have entered Politics - Comments

Work and Choice

Therextras — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:43:01 -0500

For the 11 years my husband was a house-husband we consistently and frequently shared that he worked all the time - correcting the idea that he did not work but was unemployed. This was a choice we made because we did not desire the lifestyles of families we observed with two full-time employed parents.

Yes, we chose to drive older cars, have a smaller tv, no cable, brown-bag our lunches, a smaller home, wear clothes that were not created last week. For that we traded up to daily family meals and children who went to bed at reasonable hours and made good grades. Sure others obtain the same upgrades with fast or faster than home-cooked food. Their choice and they live with their choices.

The option to be employed, not considered a choice by Brellyk because her reasons are strong. To her the forfeit of caring for her child herself is less risky than the medical support afforded by healthcare insurance. She chooses not to forfeit her health insurance benefits and I do not question her choices. I merely want to show, this is a choice. She also is firm in saying other women should not be criticized for their choices. Using our differences against each other is what Brellyk tried to show us as a judgment that works against us all.

My reference to the choice to be employed is that women are not restricted from employment by societal pressure (19th-Century-thinking). I can see now that I was wrong. 21st-Century-thinking foments a societal pressure to BE EMPLOYED. Social pressure seems to reinforce that a dollar-value on work is necessary for validation.

The freedom I referred to in another comment was that employment for US women is neither legally restricted nor mandated. I meant to only refer to US in my other comment, but erred in leaving out the word American.

In our family we still drive old cars that are paid for, do not have cable or satellite tv, and none of us own an i-anything. We converted from wireless to DSL later than anyone we know. Our oldest child went to college with full financial scholarship, but I would not limit the investment we made into our family lifestyle to costs associated with college. Our life-satisfaction – priceless.

Barbara H. Boucher, PT, PhD, OT TherExtras

Thank you Kim

KeegsMom — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:51:03 -0500

for posting this. It's shamless how McCain/Palin suppoorters have spun this legislation to make it sound like Obama eats babies for breakfast.

There are differences

KeegsMom — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:47:14 -0500

Brelly, I won't beat a dead horse here, but everyone knows (and the truth hurts) that moms play a bigger role in daily parenting and nurturing than dads do, in most cases anyway, AND five kids vs. two is quite different, as is having two with special needs (an infant and a teen mother).

KeegsMom
KIDSFLIX

What is your definition of feminism?

NYCMom — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:49:17 -0500

I have to admit that I always cringe when I read that someone is "not a feminist" and then they describe their lives which are filled with feminist ideals.

My opposition to Palin has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she is a mother, or that she has a special needs child. And I also had similar thoughts about Obama. http://nycmomandmore.blogspot.com/2008/09/is-obama-good-enough-father-to-be.html

But her hypocrisy and intellectual inconsistency of mocking feminism while living the life that feminism affords her isn't lost on me.

I hesitated using that word

Brellyk — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:43:12 -0500

I hesitated using that word but felt since I identified myself as a Republican, it was a bold word to help get my point across. However, while being bold, I feel I lumped everyone together, much like my friend lumped Palin into a mold, if you will.

I'm a "not so conservative" Republican, and I too get irritated when I am lumped together with the ultra conservatives.

Kelly Curran

http://jenellesjourney.blogspot.com

From a Liberal Mommy

Stevenbrycesmom — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:06:19 -0500

I am sorry you had such harsh words from your Neuro. To say his bedside manner was horrible is an understatment.

Please don't lump all liberal women into one group. This liberal woman believes that what might work for one family may not work for another. We all try and choose what is best for our families and it is not right for anyone else to judge someone's choice.

I do not like Sarah Palin for a laundry list of reasons. Her being a working mother is probably the only thing I like about her.

Jess Mom to Thing 1 and Thing 2 CEO of Knight INC.

Thanks, but I was making a slightly different point

Kim Pearson — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:16:04 -0500

And maybe it is OT, but if I could just clarify -- I think that we agree that having a child with special needs doesn't tell voters what you'll do for other children with special needs -- and that's what matters. I've heard Obama bring up the needs of children with autism as a way of talking about what's wrong with our current health care system. I think that's okay, as long as you explain what you will do differently. That is at least information that voters can evaluate.

Congrats on stimulating so much conversation!

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

Thanks Kim!

Brellyk — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:09:33 -0500

About using special needs as an issue to get votes, you are absolutely right. I have also read a lot of blog posts lately by bloggers who were upset when McCain brought up Palin's knowledge of special needs in last week's debate. That bothered me too, and I wish he hadn't gone there. However, I think that issue is separate from the one I try to make in my post.

And for what its worth, in the same debate Obama was just as guilty of this when he brought up Autism. Both parties are now trying to use hot topic issues to get more votes, and it saddens me that special needs is being thrown out there for that purpose. They are using us not to create more awareness of our issues and needs, but rather to get sympathy from others and get the vote. It is very sad that it has come to this.

Agreed with most of your post

hamiam — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 17:43:09 -0500

Except for this line: Personally, I'm tired of liberal women defining what women should be

In the sense of the mommy wars, I think there's a liberal camp and a conservative camp and both sides have squacked loudly about what they think women "should" be.

I totally agree with you that the WOHM vs. SAHM propaganda has NO place in our political choices, nor should it have to rear its ugly head in our personal lives. Women ought to support one another's choice to work or stay home or anywhere in between, because the fact of the matter is that while our views and values might vary, every family is different, has different financial factors, different dynamics and different make-ups - so how could one even begin to say black or white, "Women should/shouldn't stay at home/work!" No one could without judging another and sadly that is what the mommy wars have done.

I find it interesting that you chose to say that liberal women are trying to define what women should be, because it is conservative women who've been the most damaging to me as a mother - telling me I shouldn't be working and should be at home.

Uber Conservative Hawk Adelman to Support Obama

KeegsMom — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:56:47 -0500

and one reason he gives is Sarah Palin, saying McCain exhibited poor judgment in choosing her.

From the New Yorker online:

Ken Adelman is a lifelong conservative Republican. Campaigned for Goldwater, was hired by Rumsfeld at the Office of Economic Opportunity under Nixon, was assistant to Defense Secretary Rumsfeld under Ford, served as Reagan’s director of arms control, and joined the Defense Policy Board for Rumsfeld’s second go-round at the Pentagon, in 2001. Adelman’s friendship with Rumsfeld, Cheney, and their wives goes back to the sixties, and he introduced Cheney to Paul Wolfowitz at a Washington brunch the day Reagan was sworn in.

In recent years, Adelman and his friends Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz fell out over his criticisms of the botching of the Iraq War. Still, he remains a bona-fide hawk (“not really a neo-con but a con-con”) who has never supported a Democrat for President in his life. Two weeks from now that’s going to change: Ken Adelman intends to vote for Barack Obama. He can hardly believe it himself.

See the article at the New Yorker for more:
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/georgepacker/2008/10/not-quite-col...

On Palin

Southerngirl — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:17:11 -0500

I too am saddened when we chose to pull each other down needlessly. But I think the problem this mom and many others have with Palin is not that she chooses to work but that she chose THIS work. I know we need more women in office but this is a woman who truly has a CHOICE. She CHOSE to take to the campaign trial witha a 4 month old child special needs or not 4 months old. Her daughter does not need the public scrutiny that this CHOICE her mom made will bring. I do take exception with her and it is not because she works but she CHOSE this. Palin is not some working mom who needs insurance or thinks her husband is more equiped to handle the family. She is a woman with means and healthcare and she CHOSE to use her kids for her gain and not the other way around.

As another poster put it her silence is deafening. She has not taken a stand on this issue nor has her campaign put out anything but a vague she will represent special needs families. How? I would really like an answer as I have a 5 year-old autistic nephew and a kid with ADD in a school system that is not well equiped to handle either one.

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

Obama's explanation does not support your claim

Kim Pearson — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:07:45 -0500

From the debate transcript, for what it's worth:

OBAMA: Yes, let me respond to this. If it sounds incredible
that I would vote to withhold lifesaving treatment from an infant,
that's because it's not true. The -- here are the facts.

There was a bill that was put forward before the Illinois Senate
that said you have to provide lifesaving treatment and that would have
helped to undermine Roe v. Wade. The fact is that there was already a
law on the books in Illinois that required providing lifesaving
treatment, which is why not only myself but pro-choice Republicans and
Democrats voted against it.

And the Illinois Medical Society, the organization of doctors in
Illinois, voted against it. Their Hippocratic Oath would have
required them to provide care, and there was already a law in the
books.

With respect to partial-birth abortion, I am completely
supportive of a ban on late-term abortions, partial-birth or
otherwise, as long as there's an exception for the mother's health and
life, and this did not contain that exception.

And I attempted, as many have in the past, of including that so
that it is constitutional. And that was rejected, and that's why I
voted present, because I'm willing to support a ban on late-term
abortions as long as we have that exception.

The last point I want to make on the issue of abortion. This is
an issue that -- look, it divides us. And in some ways, it may be
difficult to -- to reconcile the two views.

But there surely is some common ground when both those who
believe in choice and those who are opposed to abortion can come
together and say, "We should try to prevent unintended pregnancies by
providing appropriate education to our youth, communicating that
sexuality is sacred and that they should not be engaged in cavalier
activity, and providing options for adoption, and helping single
mothers if they want to choose to keep the baby."

Those are all things that we put in the Democratic platform for
the first time this year, and I think that's where we can find some
common ground, because nobody's pro-abortion. I think it's always a
tragic situation.

OBAMA: We should try to reduce these circumstances.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion that he views some infants as disposable. But it seems that one ought to acknowledge his claim that a law already exists in Illinois mandating such care. Now if you have evidence that this is not the case, that is another matter. And if he is not being truthful about the existence of such a law, that would be very good to know.

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

who am I

Dorotheaa — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:00:32 -0500

For the record until two years ago I was a registered Republican, now my grandson is in Iraq a (US Marine) for the second time. I've been so disappointed in the ignorance of Mr Bush I re registered a Democrat..Now I wish I'd become an Independent although, I'm a Christian I support neither abortion or life..I just can't find peace with either and you should know I'm 62, a grandmother and great grandmother and still don't even understand my own feelings.

I support McCain, as I respect and believe he loves his country and wants to serve his country with the hope of making it a better place. The war is here and in my uneducated opinion; it would be dificult to walk out of a place we demolished where there are the innocents as well as the terrorist. I think McCain has more understanding of what we need to do now that we are in Iraq. This even knowing my grandson is in harms way for another 90 days.

So don't assume who I am. None of this is easy for any of us, I'm more sensitive to the negative conclusions people have blatently stated for both parties, they deflect in energy for the focus on the real issues...

McCain is my choice as he is more experienced and in my opinion will also cut spending and government which is something I beleive has to happen in order to reduce our debt. Obama appears to want to give more then we have to spare....I truly wish we had a crystal ball, and we don't so now you know why I'll be voting Republican.

I wish Mc Cain could have crossed party lines and picked Hillary as his running mate...imagine that...team

Thank you for taking time to respond to my post. Hope you'll stop by my blog and tell me what you think. We are a work in progress. If you ever want to guest post..let me know...

Dorothy from grammology

http://grammology.com

The danger of judgment.

Wilma Ham — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:50:42 -0500

Kelly, when I read your post I see you are actually talking about judgment.

And I think judgment is one of the most hurtful things we can do to each other and it is the very thing that wars are based on.
Why are we so ready to jump in with thinking we know what is happening to other people?
Why are we so little prepared to give a helping hand instead, without even wanting to know the full story.
Haven't we as mothers learnt that you never know how things are unless you have experienced them and than even so, every situation is different.
We jump in with an opinion based on nothing most of the time and we are also not very good listeners.

You touched on a very good point and in one of your replies you are carefully seperating judgment from your having done your research about the policies.
The danger is also that in our judgment we drag everything into the conversation and start losing the plot and what we are actually talking about.

I too have been guilty of judgment, but I am more and more aware of it and how dangerous it can be.
It is not that easy to discern when judgment pops up though as judging has been part of my life for a long time as that is the way of the world.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

Keegsmom

Brellyk — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:49:49 -0500

I'm not going to argue the points of your platform - you have your opinion. To me, Abortion is the least important issue facing our country right now.

On the "mom to mom" topic, I will agree, the Vice Presidenty is not a typical job. Neither is the Presidency. Obama has two very young children - why shouldn't he be held to the same standard? Won't his daughter's lives be disrupted with a 4 year stay in the white house? How distracted will he be when he misses out of the joys of children growing up at such a young age? Shouldn't we be equally concerned with his lack of involvement in their lives?

My point is not that no one should vote for Obama because he has young kids. I am just trying to show how this argument is a double standard. Why should these arguments only apply to Palin simply because she is a woman?

The Mommy Wars have entered Politics

Brellyk — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 15:46:22 -0500

A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a mom I know in one of my special needs Internet support groups. The e-mail asked me to join her in a group called, "Special Needs Moms against Sarah Palin." While I am friends with this mom in all that we've shared and been through together as special needs moms, this is one request from her that I couldn't support.

Before I go further, I will let you know now that I am a registered Republican, and I have already cast my vote for McCain/Palin via absentee ballot (sorry, you can't change my vote now!) But this issue is more than just politics to me. If I were supporting "the other guy", I would still be offended by a group of moms opposing another mom for her decision to follow her career. And by no means do I consider myself to be a feminist. I simply believe that a woman can have both; a career and children. And I know for a fact - it is possible that a Mom can work full time and raise a child with special needs. Especially a child with complex medical issues.

I will admit, I had no choice when I had to continue working when Jenelle's medical issues became a priority. My job carries the medical benefits we desperately needed at the time. I didn't have the luxury of quitting my job to attend to her needs 24/7. I had to find a way to make it work.

The first glaring questions about my continuing to work came from Jenelle's first neurologist. He flat out told me to quit my job so I could enjoy the "few months or years" we had left with Jenelle. Later in her treatment, this doctor refused to try the Ketogenic Diet for Jenelle. His words to me, "The fact that you are still working tells me you are not committed to your child and that you are not committed to do this diet!" It was horrible, and I cried for days. I felt like my job was an albatross hanging from my neck and keeping my daughter from the desperate treatment she needed. My job was something I couldn't get rid of because I couldn't pay the medical bills.

And then, I received some of the best advice I'd ever heard from another special needs mom that works full time. She told me, "Kelly, your job is to be Jenelle's mother. You are not her doctor, nurse, teacher, therapist, bus driver, aide or social worker, you are her mother. That means you are the one who loves her. You get to kiss her after a blood draw and to hold her in the night as she cries or comfort her after a seizure. You are her Mother and the only requirement of you is to love her unconditionally and to advocate for her passionately. Let the others do their job!"

With that advice, it became clear to me. In the world of special needs, none of us can do it alone. While I admire all the special needs moms who do stay home and who's lives revolve around the complex medical schedule of their child, I am thankful that I have found what works for me. I am thankful for Jenelle's wonderful therapists, teachers and doctors. And to borrow a phrase from that woman in the "other" political party, it takes a "village" to raise a special needs child.

One last thought... why is it the Mom has to be the one to stay home with the sick child? Why can't a man be as involved or more in the life of a special needs child? I know quite a few Fathers who play a very significant role in the life of their special needs child. Brett is one of them. While the divorce statistics are very real when it come to raising a special needs child, a couple has to take parenting to another level and become team players to work together when they have a special needs child. Eighty percent end up divorced, ninety percent if that special needs child dies. Those statistics are frightening, and very real! If parents can't work together, then they are only working against themselves.

So while this election has surprised me at times, I was shocked to see the discontent some women have for the choices other women make. Who are we to presume Sarah Palin isn't involved in the lives of all of her children? Who are we to demand she stay home and attend therapies with her disabled son? I'm positive Sarah Palin has the resources behind her to help her make the best decisions in regards to her special needs child. Maybe more so than the average American. Who are we to question her love and devotion, when other families find it can work in non-traditional ways.

Why do women need to beat each other down for the choices they make? Personally, I'm tired of liberal women defining what women should be. Yes, I identify greatly with Sarah Palin. We are both working mothers with nothing but love for family and love for this country. God bless any family dealing with issues surrounding special needs and the individual choices special needs families have to make each day. Who are we to judge?