BlogHer - What do you think about polyamory? - Comments

my blog

pearl81 — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:29:17 -0500

I blog about my poly relationship. It's polyamorous in that there are three of us, but we call ourselves polygamous because we consider ourselves married and not "open."

I blog at www.distelfinkfarm.blogspot.com

I agree

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 23:21:40 -0500

Hi Amy,

Yes, I agree that it's important not generalize as you say. That's why I made a point not to do that. I was strictly relaying something I've observed in some polyamorous people and wondering if there was a connection, because it truly seemed that perhaps there was, in that instance, with that person. At that time, I did start to wonder if having sex that was only casual or fun might effect one's ability to have sex that was deeply meaningful and connective. I'm certainly not trying to answer that question one way or another, as I've no idea, and I suspect the answer is different for everyone.

As I said, I have polyamorous friends, and I do believe and respect what they tell me about their choices and what works for them.

Individual variation...

agahran — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 19:53:53 -0500

Liz Rizzo wrote:

"But I have met polyamorous people who seem unable to experience sex as a deep, romantic connection."

Yeah. I've met some monogamous people for whom I could say the same. Seems to me that's not a matter of poly vs. mono, but rather a matter of who that individual is.

Personally, I think it's important not to generalize about any communty (poly, mono, Christian, Muslim, soccer fans, etc.) based on the observed characteristics of one or a few members of that community. That almost always leads to unfortunate fallacies and stereotypes.

FWIW,

- Amy Gahran

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation
Contentious

polyamory bloggers

Liz Henry — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 14:07:52 -0500

I'm poly and occasionally blog about that, but it's not a big focus. People do seem fascinated with it and often ask me questions offline about how our lives are structured.

Take a look at Bitch, PhD. She has some great posts on being poly! (here's one.)

Trish Wilson wrote a good roundup about polyamory here.

Livejournal can also be a good place to look around for people's thoughts: list of people and communities on LJ who link to polyamory as an interest.

-----------------

Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Badgermama - personal & mommyblog
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

Regarding Polyamory

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 02 Jun 2006 13:48:01 -0500

Personally, polyamory is not for me. That said, I certainly respect that it is totally the thing for some people. One thing I admire about polyamory is the commitment to honesty and openness and mutual respect. Something which is so important in every relationship.

However, I have observed something in some polyamorous people. Friends have told me that they can have sex that's just "fun" and then there's sex that's "meaningful." Since I respect them, I believe that that's true for them. But I have met polyamorous people who seem unable to experience sex as a deep, romantic connection. It appears to me, that the danger in having "fun" sex, the same way one enjoys a good meal or working out or anything else we do that's simply "fun," is that how then is sex ever meaningful and special?

It may be that this is perhaps the total point of polyamory, to demystify sex. At the time that I made this realization about someone in particular, I had the strongest sense that he was "broken," unable to truly love, but that may be my biased perception. Ultimately, if that's what works for him, I suppose that's his choice. But I found it sad.

Which is precisely why polyamory doesn't work for me. I value a strong, intimate, special, romantic, loving sexual connection I share with no one but my beloved in an ongoing, exclusive monogamous relationship. No amount of sex or sex partners - even if it could somehow be incredible - could ever take the place of that for me.

Some of my best friends, yadda yadda...

Pam — Wed, 31 May 2006 18:57:40 -0500

True story. I was telling a friend about how I'd met this woman who was raising her kid with two husbands and my friend said this: "I can see how that would make parenting a lot easier."

Nerd's Eye View

So Susan, just curious --

agahran — Wed, 31 May 2006 16:16:06 -0500

So Susan, just curious -- why were you "a tad shocked" to learn that I'm poly? I'd like to understand that reaction better.

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation
Contentious

Poly Resources

cunningminx — Wed, 31 May 2006 15:55:25 -0500

:-) Thanks for mentioning me and my podcast!

I'd also recommend Polyamorous Percolations, a website with articles, resources and more about polyamory, poly vs. swinging, poly parenting, etc.

Also, the show blog for Polyamory Weekly podcast is at Polyweekly.livejournal.com; I also post a few tidbits during the week and link to sites much better than mine.

In terms of blogs, both Inki and Tacit are intelligent activists who frequently write insightful articles on polyamory and/or bisexuality in their personal blogs.

Oh, and by the way, I'd

agahran — Tue, 30 May 2006 14:24:01 -0500

Oh, and by the way, I'd highly recommend The podcast Polyamory Weekly, by CunningMinx. I subscribe to many, many podcasts, and this is one of only about three that I absolutely must listen to as soon as it's published.

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

DeAnna wrote: "Polyamory,

agahran — Tue, 30 May 2006 14:10:41 -0500

DeAnna wrote:

"Polyamory, for me, doesn't really have much to do with having multiple partners, as much as it has to do with consciously and clearly deciding what parameters are going to work for us."

Yeah, I agree with that very much -- both in terms of allowing each relationship to rise to its natural level and potential, and in terms of being very conscious and honest about that process. Basically, not blindly accepting suspiciously vague "default settings."

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

Hi Susan--I was there too

lizditz — Tue, 30 May 2006 11:44:24 -0500

Hi Susan--I was there too when Amy made her announcement. What I have to say is...it's not for me. My makeup seems to be fiercely monogamous and heterosexual. But I am so grateful for the wonders of the internets, because I've been able to read other's accounts of different ways of being, in a way I never would have been able to 20 years ago.

Liz Ditz
I Speak of Dreams
lizditz@gmail.com

Hurray for Less Emotionally Complicated

deandail — Tue, 30 May 2006 11:10:44 -0500

I second Amy's thoughts about life being less complicated since I've started seeing monogamy as one option on a whole spectrum of available relationship models. One of the things that becomes really obvious when you start consciously designing your relationship, rather than just taking the "standard model" is that everyone seems to have radically different ideas about what monogamy means. So it leads to some real complications when two people in a relationship believe that there is only one acceptable way for a relationship to function, and they are both using the same word to describe that system, but they mean radically different things.

For example, I have monogamous friends who consider it just fine for their partners to have very close friends of the attractive gender who they go camping and hiking with and spend a lot of really intimate time with, as long as there's no sex. Other friends would find it completely unacceptable for their partner to have a casual lunch date with a co-worker of the attractive gender. Both of those relationships styles could be called monogamous.

Polyamory, for me, doesn't really have much to do with having multiple partners, as much as it has to do with consciously and clearly deciding what parameters are going to work for us.

Unfortunately, not everyone sees the idea of options as a positive thing, and so I don't blog about it much. My partner's family reads my blog, and he's uncomfortable being outed to them just yet. So I skim along the surface of the issue, only mentioning enough that if you already knew, you would know. And if you would rather not know, you could pretend that P. visiting a "friend" in the city means just that he is visiting a friend. Family's are complicated.

Peace,
DeAnna
Last Track

Hi, Susan!

agahran — Tue, 30 May 2006 09:41:23 -0500

Hi, Susan!

Thanks for mentioning me. Yeah, polyamory is very interesting and challenging. I've found quite often that people who are initially "shocked" by the concept soon afterward find themselves learning more about it. Whether you're interested in entering into poly relationships or not, I think it's helpful to view monogamy as an *option* -- not necessarily the ideal or only type of relationship. For some people, monogamy is the best option. But relationships are definitely not one-size-fits-all.

It'll be interesting to see what kind of feedback you get here.

The most surprising thing I've found about being poly is that in many ways it makes my life *less* emotionally complicated, because it allows me to be more honest with myself than when I thought monogamy was the only "real" option available to me. I definitely feel more at peace with myself and more confident in relationships than I used to.

Also, it was perhaps the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. In several ways.

- Amy Gahran

------------------------

Amy Gahran

Editor, Poynter's E-Media Tidbits

The Right Conversation: Talking about conversational media

Contentious<

What do you think about polyamory?

susan mernit — Tue, 30 May 2006 00:55:11 -0500

A year ago, I was at the the blogging naked session at BlogHer and someone I know got up and announced she was polyamorous(had more than one committed parter)and I confess, I was a tad shocked. Here it is a year later, and I am actively interested in the whole idea of polyamoryand have been reading blogs about it-A quote on a list I read this weekend said "People who marry the way Britney Spears did her first time should not have more legal rights and obligations than me and my two men" and the wisdom of that statement made me decide to take a look forblogs that focus on polyand cover them here.
Any Gahran, author of the popular media blog contentious, came out as poly in 2005; other poly people have been writing about it all along,like graydancer and his partner cunningminx.
Why am I intrigued? Post-marriage, post-kid, the idea that it's possible for some people to live with enough openness and communication to love more than one person seems admirable--and socially subversive--reasons to pay attention,and, for me, to try to learn more.
Favorite poly reads (and sources of information):
Podcasting polyamory weekly
Loving More
Xeromag

Anyone have blogs they read that are by poly people that we should all check out? What do you think of this philosophy?
Inquiring minds want to know.