BlogHer - Sex: Comfort seekers, thrill seekers, and where do you fit? (And how can you be both?) - Comments

Definitely both for me and I

IshtarM — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:50:54 -0600

Definitely both for me and I also agree with what Lisa Williams wrote (that it could also be cyclical and about the individual definitions of comfort and thrill seeking).

Not being in a committed relationship at this point, I satisfy both sides by having two lovers (friends with benefits). Both are younger than I am - I'm 37 and they're 32 and 29. One is my source of "comfort sex" - he and I kiss and cuddle and talk as much as we have sex and the kind of sex we have is fairly "conventional". The other one is my source of "thrill sex" - we act out our fantasies with each other and the sex is almost always much more adventerous and "way out".

Strangely, my "thrill sex" lover is the one who is my closer friend outside of the bedroom. My "comfort sex" lover and I rarely contact each other unless it's to arrange a meeting.

For now, that arrangement works for me and for them.

Spectrum or cycle?

Lisa Williams — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 18:27:29 -0600

What if it's not a spectrum, with daredevils on one side and homebodies on the other, but a cycle?

Sometimes, you've had it up to here, and comfort sounds good, so you go seeking some. Other times, you've had it up to here with things being the same, so you go into thrill-seeker mode.

And let's not forget that what looks like thrill-seeking to one person may be comfort seeking to another -- for example, to a person who feels like they spend a lot of time containing or restraining their impulses for others' comfort or acceptance, letting loose may feel very comfortable indeed.

Great post!

Mommyto5 — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 21:46:46 -0500

Love this post! I've always had an easy time talking about sex. Unfortunately I married an uptight guy who didn't like to talk about it, only liked to have sex on his terms and it was always very cold sex (hard to describe it any other way...but no passion or intimacy...just sex). I've been divorced 7+ years now and despite a terrible marriage and a rotten sex life, I never lost my libido. I dated, had short term relationships and sex was nothing I'd focus on but was a big part of me moving forward. All aspects had to be there...and if sex wasn't on the important part of the relationship list, then I couldn't move forward.

Thankfully I found a great mix in the fantastic man I have in my life. I will never let him go....he's everything I've waited for for 45 years. Affectionate, caring, wonderful dad, handsome as can be, sweet, manly at the right times, protective and knows how to separate his very busy career from our personal...i.e. don't take work to bed. On top of all that, our sex life is out of control fantastic. We're hot for each other constantly...and have 7 kids between us...and find the time to be intimate almost every day give or take a sick child or sick adult!

I am looking forward to growing old with this man...my life has just begun. Sex is so important....with the right person.

Cheryl

http://dailyblonde.blogspot.com

Embrace the power of AND

alyssaroyse — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 19:37:40 -0500

What a great post Susan. I really REALLY applaud you for inviting such a dialog. Personally, I think the world would be a better place if we could all embrace sex for what WE NEED IT TO BE, and accept that for each of us, it's probably a little bit different.

But yes, BOTH. There is nothing like the love and safety of a truly intimate partner to help discover what you need and want from sex. And from there, I think there is no adventure that you can't embark on honestly and safely as long as you're on the same page. But that's just me. BOTH.

Great post. Let's keep talking about how to help people engage with their sexuality honestly, authentically and intimately - whatever that means.

Even if we have to tie them up and..... wait, no..... to each their own. ;)

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Ent

Please don't call me a cougar

XXandra — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:35:51 -0500

But I have found the odd bit of dabbling with the younger man to surprisingly liberating. I know he won't view me from the perspective of my contemporaries, a possibly judgemental blow. He can't even fathom what that perspective may be and just accepts me as is. Sure some say, it's all about the sex but unless you're charging for it, sex is never just about sex.

Yes and more

debontherocks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:29:16 -0500

Great topic. I think we can be both but tend to drift into habits. I once posted about different sex as being able to plotted on a X-Y axis chart, with the X running from having sex that's Sensory and about Pleasure to sex from Raw Passion. The Y axis runs from Connected to Non-emotional. So zones are created that kind of describe the difference between sex that is connected and based in sharing pleasure, and sex that is connected but hot and wild, vs. the other two zones. I plotted by examples and made a chart others can use. No surprise it's my most-hit site, and I get emails that people love talking to their partners about it to help them stretch their their habitual zones. (Here's a link so ADULTS ONLY can take a look. My blog is not a sex blog but it's not for those offended by f-word language or sex talk.)

YES WE CANDY! --Come trick-or-treat with Sarah and John at the GOP Mansion!

Deb
www.debontherocks.com blog
www.3smartgirlz.c

Sex: Comfort seekers, thrill seekers, and where do you fit? (And how can you be both?)

susan mernit — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:54 -0500

Some friends and I were discussing sex and relationships the other day and one of them brought up an interesting premise. She thought that most people could be divided into two types: thrill-seekers, and comfort-seekers, and that those impulses drove their sex and relationships behavior.

In other words, in her book, there were people who thrilled to wild energy, adventure and novelty; that led them off into open relationships, testing themselves with practices outside the sexual average (tantra, BDSM). These were the folks who liked their feelings to be written large, and who always savored a noticeable bit of risk. They wanted to “challenge their assumptions, push their boundaries, and leave their comfort zones.”

The other sort of person, my friend said, was a comfort-seeker. This type of person valued the deep intimacy, quiet engagement and trust over time of familiar relationships. For them, sex was best as a safe, loving and nurturing space—not a place to push the boundaries of new experiences.

I am interested in these categories, but truth be told, I think most people—myself included—fit into both. Aren’t there moments when sex is comfort, a deep intimate exchange with someone you love and trust? Moments when being together is soothing, a way to find refuge and go inside. And then aren’t there other moments when sex is a kind of play? When the fun and the exuberance get dialed way up--and stay there for a long time?

Part of what makes this question interesting is understanding yourself, but the other part is how to you communicate to keep you and your partner in synch? It can be challenging, but truly, this is one of the areas where communication is key (aren’t they all?)

I admire my friend, whom I will call Patty, who’s been married for 10,000 years to a guy for whom sex is as comforting as a crock-pot. Steven is always there for her and she loves him, but geeze, things are always at a simmer. For Patty, who was married and monogamous for 18 years and then woke up one day and said “My heart has dried out!” (not to mention her body), turning up the heat has meant negotiating with hubby how she can add more excitement to her life without breaking their vows. For the past 15 months she has—with hubby’s knowledge and approval—been taking all sorts of massage and sexological bodywork classes and finding ways—like tantra workshops—to have more of that wild energy and heat she craves without veering off into full sex with other people. And of course, she always comes home to her guy.

I have another friend. Jayme(not her real name either), for whom sex and relationships are always about the adventure. Jayme—as she’ll tell you herself—is a new relationship energy junkie, feeding off the passion and surprise of getting with new people, but pretty outta the relationship as soon as that feeling of comfortable familiarity sets in. “I don’t do long-term,” says Jayme, who doesn’t describe herself as fickle as much as she’s still exploring, needing lots of room to grow, and fascinated by new people.

And then there’s my friend Lora (another changed name) for whom sex is both, often at the same time. On one hand, she’s the woman who wants to nest at home, cooking her guy meatloaf and hanging on the big, cushy couch; on the other hand, she’s an enemy of complacency and wants to feel like things always have an edge and are always getting better. “I see sex and relationships as things that don’t just happen,” Lora said when I shared these ideas with her. “I like having a familiar partner, but it takes work to get closer.”

For Lora, that work can mean going to self-development workshops together like Landmark or HAI; it can also meant deep talking about what she and her partner want, then trying to act on those feelings. “But you have to want compatible things,” Lora says. “If you want unpredictability and he wants to check out swingers—well, you may be too far apart.” (Department of TMI: She earlier broke up with a guy like that.) With the person Lora is currently seeing, lots of talking about their fantasies, assumptions about one another, and things they might enjoy are charting the balance between crock pot and blow torch.

For myself, I currently veer toward the thrill seeking side, even though I’m exploring that more in the context of a committed partner. No matter how much I am deeply grateful to have found A, and how safe I feel with him, part of what makes our relationship so thrilling are the unpredictable and playful aspects.
(As my kid likes to point out to me, I'm definitely going through bits of my twenties..now.)

Soooo… Are you more on the seeking comfort side of sex in your relationship(s), or the wild thrills? Crock-pot or blow torch? Meat loaf or crème brulee?

And if you’re a bit of both, how do you manage the switch (between modes, that is?)

Let’s take a look around the blogosphere at some of our friends who are deep into the sex and relationships space. Which of these posters do you think is a comfort-seeker? Which a thrill seeker?

And where do you (and your significant other(s) fall on that line?

Babeland blog: Moments in the Night
“He pushes me against the wall, kissing me, hard. His hand on my forehead, holding my head back- tilted upwards towards him. His other hand moving up my skirt, digging into my panties. Our mouths connectedm our tongues tangled. For a moment I forgot. The years of disappointment and the nights of crying myself to sleep. It was all gone, and we were together. Young, carefree and stealing a moment of passion away from the troubles. We were somewhere in our 20’s again. In love, in lust, and indestructible.”

Barmaid Blog: Gift Horse
“Will you come live with me?"

"I - what?"

"Your lease is up for renewal in July, you told me so yourself. Jill and Cassie can find someone else to take your room, can't they? I have so much space, and Puppy loves having you around, and we could be together every single night, no spare shit in a drawer, no cabs or subways home first thing in the morning only to go back to sleep."

"I don't know, Jenny, God, I only met you a few months ago. We've never talked about it, I've never thought about it, I love it here with my friends - I mean I love you, you know that, right?" She nods. "But it's awfully soon!"”

sexagenarian and the city, a babyboomer’s adventures with jewish gentlemen in the new york dating scene: mimi’s dating statistics after 856 days of dating: a quirky survey

number of first-dates since June 25, 2006: 41
number of second-dates since June 25, 2006: 11
(henceforth in these statistics, “number of men” or “number of dates” or “number of first-dates” refers only to the period after June 25, 2006)
number of second-dates turned down: 6

The Honeymoon Phase: My First Year of Marriage, A Lovely Adventure
“Yesterday we celebrated our one-year anniversary. Although we didn’t do it over a candlelight dinner or a romantic mountain getaway like we may have liked, it was a lovely day. We spent most of it in airports returning from the wedding of a friend back in Iowa. We got home in the evening, hauled trash (including an old toilet) onto a trailer bound for the dump, did laundry and organized our bathroom closet. We did crack into our year-old wedding cake and reminisced about our first year of marriage: a time period described best as a lovely adventure.”