BlogHer - Dreaming of the Modern Tenement - Comments

Communal Duties

Maria Niles — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:23:50 -0600

Thanks for your comment, Leslie - great points. My family is in the same boat. Even if my grandmother still lived in her home, nobody else in the family can afford to live where we grew up because the price of houses has gone up so much.

And, yep, it's the cooking (and other) requirements and what if I don't click with the community concerns that have made co-housing not so attractive to me. Decades of dealing with my family - I know the minefields and know I can handle!

But I suspect that if my needs change later in life, what I might be willing to compromise will change as well.

I prefer "nearby" to cohousing

Leslie Madsen Brooks — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:13:10 -0600

There's lots of cohousing and cohousing-like neighborhoods in my town. Yet what I've heard from the people who living in these communities is that it's not all rainbow ponies. A friend and her husband rented (thank goodness she didn't buy) in a cohousing community for a couple of years, and she found she just didn't quite click with a lot of the people there because she was at a very different point in her life than her neighbors. And with her husband nearly disabled, she found it difficult to cook the giant meals that the cohousing required she contribute periodically to the community. So before you cohouse, you want to be sure you click with others in your community and that you're really up to the challenge of some hard work.

I grew up with four generations of my family living on the same block--great-grandmother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. My parents bought their home there for $28,000 in 1969; now homes in the neighborhood are selling for $1.9 million, so there's just no way that my husband, son, and I can afford to live close to them, even if we were to rent. I wish we could be closer to them, but we also have very different priorities for community amenities, since we're at different points in our lives.

We're lucky, too, that all of us are relatively healthy so that we can live where we want and not have to depend on one another. I expect the day will come where we'll have to physically relocate to be closer to one another, but by that point maybe we'll all be more willing to compromise.

Leslie

BlogHer Contributing Editor, Research and Academia
My blogs: The Clutter Museum, Museum Blogging, and The Multicultural Toybox

Thanks for your comments, Kathryn

Maria Niles — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 16:31:24 -0600

Maybe it's a situation of the grass always being greener or wanting what we can't have. Certainly there were many horrors to crowded urban living in the days of tenements. And the desire for a space of your own that you don't have to share can make a many-bedroomed McMansion look really attractive.

But, yeah, I wonder too when it became such a priority to get away from family and neighbors. Perhaps we will gradually as a society figure out how to strike a balance between too close and too far.

Best wishes for your move!

Tight Quarters

thesassykathy — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 16:11:59 -0600

Hi Maria - thanks for the mention! It's great to read other people's thoughts on this subject, one which I've definitely been pondering lately as I hope to make the move to NYC.

I don't know when it became the norm for people to segregate themselves off from the rest of the world, and in doing so, insist on bigger and bigger houses. When I buy my first home somewhere down the road, I have no desire for a big place - I always seem to feel safer and cozier in small spaces, and close to other people.

My parents joke that when I get married I better be prepared to buy a "compound" where they can live, along with my sister and her boyfriend. There is something to be said for keeping your friends and family close. Somehow I always get the sense that in the US there's a stigma about that! It's a shame.

Thanks for the interesting topic!

-Kathryn

Upside is greater

Maria Niles — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:18:35 -0600

Growing up next door to my grandparents in a house they owned was sometimes difficult on my mom but mostly it was great and as a kid I loved having so much family, especially grandparents around. It was a blessing. Well worth the no butt naked strolling trade off :)

nothing like family

JessSanders — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:38:06 -0600

As my husband and I watch our parents get older, we've had multiple conversations about the possibility of our parents moving in with us. At first I was resistant - no more walking around the house butt naked? But when it comes down to it, there is nothing I wouldn't do for family, including growing my household size to welcome them in.

And there is something uniquely comforting about thinking of my children growing up with the wisdom and care of a grandparent in the house.

hey Maria

Mata H — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 11:07:14 -0600

Well Ok, two of us have the same idea. A few years hence, if you still want to do this sort of thing -- let's talk about it. I'm blushing at being a role model for anyone...lordy me there are days when I feel like the Queen of Silliness :-)

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

upsides and downsides

Maria Niles — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:42:15 -0600

The great thing is that there are more co-housing options, especially in this area. But they aren't so easy to put together as planned options and that means demand outstrips supply and limits the choices in the quest for the right fit.

I wish you all the best - I think it would be wonderful for you.

Yes! Co-housing!

debra roby — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:21:00 -0600

I've been considering - and investigating - cohousing as an option. There are some communities locally that are planning small private condos with a large community common space. That appeals to both my desire for community and my need for some private time.

Of course finding the community that feels "right" and that accepts me will take lots of investigating.

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Weight for Deb

So true

Maria Niles — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 23:36:00 -0600

This is why I'm warming to the co-housing idea which is to my understanding much like what you describe with the common kitchen and living areas. Since I'm single and don't have children, as I get older I will have less of my biological family around and will appreciate a family of intention. And you are a role model for me, Mata, as someone who creates her community :)

I love the compound idea

Mata H — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:39:37 -0600

I lived for a few years in the same apartment building as my best friend. It was great -- each having our own space, but feeling the security of having someone at hand who cared. We had a ball. But my best friend married his lover, and they both moved on to a bigger place. Then I left the state..but we all talk about some kind of "compound" idea. Maybe with a common dining and living area and studio sort of apartments/houses attached. For childless and/or currently unmarried people, like myself, how to spend old age is an issue. Heck, if a meaningful compound were to be found right now, I'd consider it.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

co-housing

Maria Niles — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:06:24 -0600

Thanks for your comment, Virginia. I've always resisted the idea of co-living because my introversion makes me think I couldn't handle such a situation outside my family but I am slowly warming to the idea. There are a few co-housing developments here in my neck of the woods and I'm glad to see the increase in these options both informally (as in your golden girls scenario) and more formally and multi-generation ones.

The golden girls plan

Virginia DeBolt — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:04:22 -0600

Some of my single friends and I have talked about our golden girls plan for years. We keep saying we want to get a big place with lots of bedrooms and shared living and kitchen spaces where we can all support each other. There are many co-living communities forming around the country that include multi-generations, too, not just woman of a certain age like the golden girls.

Virginia DeBolt
BlogHer Technology Contributing Editor
Web Teacher
First 50 Words

Dreaming of the Modern Tenement

Maria Niles — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 00:48:44 -0600

When you hear the word tenement it might conjure up images of dark, run down and overcrowded late 19th century apartment living. And although there were many negatives to tenement life, one aspect that always seems kind of cool to me is the notion of multiple generations of families living in the same building.

The modern American living ideal has become for many that of living in a large single family house in the suburbs with big yard and a bedroom and bath for each member of the family. Increasingly these days that single family house is in a different part of the country than our parents or grandparents. But for a variety of reasons from care giving for elders, downsizing due to economic conditions, wanting to tread more lightly on the earth or even wanting to return to an old-fashioned way of living, more families are choosing to live in multi-generational or crowded urban settings.

I've always looked back fondly on my childhood growing up in a relatively small house with my mom and sisters and living next door to my grandparents. If my family didn't think me insane (they do) and had any interest (they don't) I'd love us all to crowd into a family compound - I envision something like a small apartment building where we each have our own unit.

However I'm not alone in my crazy dreams of crowded family living. There's even a British reality television show in the works to showcase my fellow travelers.

We have family friends who retired and moved to an apartment near their daughter and her family. The daughter has talked about buying a brownstone and renovating it for all the family to share. Although, like my family, not everyone in theirs thinks it's the perfect idea, I am quietly cheering on my "cousin."

Samantha Storey covered the trend in the New York Times:

Although the poor are most often associated with crowded living conditions, upper-middle-class professionals like Dr. Shaw and Ms. Avery are increasingly choosing to live in a small apartment in Manhattan because they cannot afford to upgrade to a two-bedroom and they do not want to move to the suburbs.

By the standards of a single New Yorker, theirs is a big apartment, with the bedroom accommodating a queen-size bed, a crib, a toddler bed and a dresser. But most Americans would not consider a one-bedroom apartment adequate for a family of four. Read Move Up? Move Out? Families Squeeze In

The article found some bloggers recognizing themselves:

c*potion writes:

But at the end of the day, I'm still convinced that smaller is better for how we want to live. Though it can be challenging to convince others (who have our best interests at heart) of this. On those days, I'll have to remember to pull out that article when my in-laws wonder why I've shoved our children into a closet instead of moving out to a multi-bedroom place in the burbs.

The Sassy Kathy muses:

It's a very interesting read. And definitely fits right into my personal musings of late. I've been wondering, from an evolutionary perspective, is it more natural for humans to want to live in close quarters and be part of a close-knit urban community, or isolate themselves enough to have land and space that is specifically theirs?

At his blog, Apartment Therapy, Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan chronicled how he and his wife arranged their 265-square-foot apartment to accommodate their new baby.

An condo building in Columbus, Ohio quickly sold out of units ranging from 490 to 620 square feet.

"These are not just people who are moving; they are people who live in existing homes," she said. "They are taking back their lives so they can enjoy more time with friends and family. People have reached a point where they have overstuffed drawers, closets and cabinets with items they don't cherish and don't use."

Three generations of family built themselves a compound in Fairfield, California:

The idea for the family compound started after Joe was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 1999. The five Shilts daughters had all moved out and married, so the Fairfield house where they had grown up was too big and too much work.

In the meantime, the Currys and Lavells were outgrowing their Fairfield homes.

Teresa Lavell came up with the idea of everyone living together. She and Steve had moved all over the world while he was an Air Force pilot. After he had completed his service, "She said, 'We're moving back to Fairfield, and then we're going to live together,' " Gretchen Shilts said.

In planning the house, "we saw it as a marriage of families" and a way "to be there for Mom and Dad," Steve Lavell said. "This isn't an experiment. We're going to make it work."

George Curry agreed. "No matter what happens, we can work it out. It's a more impressive family than it is an impressive house."

And ultimately that is, I think, the appeal - the chance to bond in a way that challenges you to share space and create connections and to realize that, even if they drive you crazy every so often (or even too often), family can be impressive.