BlogHer - The Internet Is My Only Friend - Comments

Exactly! Thanks to all the

sugarbritches26 — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 09:17:23 -0600

Exactly! Thanks to all the supportive comments and I've loved reading about your friends and man you girls are lucky to have women that true. But Christina echoes my sentiments. True friends are hard to come by and most of them my age are not in the same place in life, are flaky, or too self-absorbed. I guess I could be guilty of the same thing, but I live in a tiny town, went to a tiny high school, attended college on-line so the pickens are pretty slim.

A.A.

I know what you mean!

christinajeanne — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:59:09 -0600

The internet and the people I meet on here are so supportive. I don't have children but My fiance is my best friend. Which is both good and bad. Sometimes you need a woman to vent to and cry with. But my real life aquantances I would call them don't want to hear about my daily life especially the bad and frusturating. But the people I meet online are the most caring supportive people I've ever met. Yes I would like to have a real true friend but those are hard to come by these days. I feel like the women I meet online are more friends to me then anyone else. Besides my mom who is actually my best friend. I would like more friends my own age but it's hard when most people are flaky or are so self absorbed. The people I meet online are the most genuine and it's great to be able to connect at any time day or night.

Christina

Bestest Friends After High School?

MamacitaG — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:18:23 -0600

In high school, I had a group of friends I dearly loved, and we did everything together, including date each other's boyfriends after a breakup. (We weren't bird-dogs; we WAITED!) :) There were some ups and downs, but when several people are together it's unrealistic to expect perfection. Perfection is unrealistic in any circumstance!

Some of us went to college, some of them got knocked up and "had" to get married, some of them are divorced, some of them have been married several times, some have never married, some have kids, some don't, some are professionals, some work in factories or not at all. . . we're as diverse now as we were then. In my friend group, there are professors, mortgage brokers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, artists, homemakers, foreign language textbook translators, factory union reps, day care providers, elementary teachers, writers, musicians, and insurance saleswomen who had to promise not to solicit us during our get-togethers.

For a few years, when some of us were in college and others were grappling with living unmarried and knocked up, or hurriedly married BECAUSE they were knocked up and some of us just went straight to work, etc, etc, etc, we lost touch, but NOW? We meet every month and guess what? It's the same as it was in high school, minus the boyfriend business. I loved them then and I love them now.

Add to this my college friends - not in the same group but just as beloved - and the friends I made at work, and IRL I have a lovely, rich support system. Online, my life is even better. I have met so many wonderful people, and some of them IRL too! The more people we add to our hearts, the larger our hearts grow. Yes, there are risks online - believe me, I know all about that!!! - but people who don't take risks become stagnant, like a sea with no outlet. I'm very shy and introverted, and it's hard for me to approach new people, but I'm loyal and loving and so are my friends, most of whom are very outgoing. We're in this together, for the long haul. We don't feud and flounce off and stop speaking. I can call any of them any time, and they can call me, and we KNOW there will be support, and love, and the occasional "How could you have been so stupid!" all with each other's best interests at heart. The friends I've made online know they can call me any time, too. I am a person who tries to be THERE for those I love.

I think sometimes that women NEED their friends even more than men do, or even more than we need men! As much as we might love the men in our lives, men don't "understand" certain things. They try (if they're worth marrying, that is) but they can't. They're men. Our friends UNDERSTAND. Parents die, and children grow up and move away, and siblings lose touch, but our friends, even if they're a thousand miles away, are right by our side in spirit if not in actuality.

Women, if you haven't got a solid network of friends, please get one! Call someone you used to know. Email someone you met at work. Suggest that you meet for lunch, or coffee. Whatever.

Life is hard enough. Please don't try to live yours without good friends.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Speaking from a grown child's perspective...

lauriewrites — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 21:01:26 -0600

And the oldest, too. My mom has let some of her closest friendships lapse over the years and it's a lot of stress to be the "emotional support group" all the time. I love seeing her with her friends and think she gets essential, age-appropriate support from them that she shouldn't always get from my sister and me. I appreciate the times when she says "I'm doing something wtih so-and-so" and think that if she'd done that more when we were growing up it would have sent a really good message that she had her own stuff to do, too. It's good to have some balance and boundaries. Plus, should she lose my dad first, I know she'll do better if she's used to cultivating friendships. He's kept his going strong always so I'm not worried about him - in that regard anyway.

I see in the lives of my friends with kids that they have little time to cultivate friendships sometimes in addition to the demands of parenting, working in the home or out and maintaining (in some cases, although I seem to have a lot of single-mom friends...) relationships with their husbands/partners. But they still seem to really need their friends and I like being involved in their lives to whatever degree I can be...getting to know their kids and hanging out with them when it works.

As hard as some of my friendships with women have been, and as poorly as they have sometimes ended, I would shrivel and die without the real-life friends I have in my life now. I've also made some fantastic friends online who are my friends in real life, who I've mostly met through BlogHer, yes. (The ways this community has enriched my life cannot be overstated.) I have a number of male friends as well and I am not married and do not have children (not conscious choice, that's just the way it's worked out so far for me, unfortunately, because I've always wanted it very much.)

I used to say that too, that I was "intimidating" but really I was just defensive and it showed. That's only my experience, don't know if it was yours too. I made poor choices in all kinds of relationships for many years, but I finally made more peace with myself and it shows in the kinds of bonds I have in my life now. I've also recently reconnected with some high-school friends and even that's been amazing.

I don't believe that anyone can meet all of your needs, not a spouse, a child, or any one friend. It's great that you're writing through it and I can't help hoping that you find some like-minded souls either in "just real life" or people you can eventually meet from online, because it's been so cool for so many people I know. The risks are different and sometimes much harder, but from what I can tell and have experienced the rewards are pretty great.

Laurie

I Learned My Lessons a Long Time Ago.

Michellesamom — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 18:38:20 -0600

I spent an entire year without any friends because of female cattiness. It was grade 4. The good part about it (though I went home and cried every night) was that I stopped caring. Honestly. If someone wants to judge me, let 'em. At least it gives them something to do, right?

I wish I could say it was an easy lesson, but it wasn't. Then came the time when I finally felt comfortable with who I was, where I finally felt as though I was in a good place and I was doing what I loved. For me, that was university. There I met two friends who are honestly more like sisters to me. Each of them is special, each is unique. We are not a group, I am friends with each of these women individually and they are both at very different places in their lives. Could it be that this place, this security of family, this creative outlet (blogging), might help you to reach out and make new girlfriends? You never know, it could even be another blogger in your area.

I don't think it's ever too late to have friends and I think it's especially important to have girlfriends. Many of us live so far away from our families that we may not have the support we need without them. My husband is wonderful and we are truly best friends, but he does not replace my girlfriends. I was plesantly surprised when, at a time in my life when I thought I was done making friends, I discovered that was not the case. I met several wonderful new women when I became a mom and started a group for new moms. The wisdom, advice, support and laughter that we have shared are gifts beyond measure.

As far as issues go... no. True friends don't have them. I can honestly say that I've never had an issue with either of my friends from university. We've disagreed many times, we've debated, but we do not hurt each other.

I hope you find a friend or two. Really, that's all you need.

Michelle writes at Michelle's Blog

I'm a slow starter...

BookLady Alison — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 15:26:26 -0600

Maybe I'm just a slow starter. I actually find that my business and my daily online interactions are helping me to grow friends IRL with the people around me. Maybe I just understand better what friendship is, or maybe I'm more willing/comfortable sharing my thoughts. Maybe I just notice that I'm being offered friendship (clues can be subtle). I've had to get used to knowing more people - you can't run a business without talking to people.

I've grown in confidence and independence. I love the online friendships, but the real life ones are, well, more real to me. I am willing to grow online friendships to real life ones, but I don't want to be jumping on a plane every time I want to see a friend. I'd rather have a friend who lives a few minutes, or even 1 hour away. I can have her over for tea, we can get together and cook dinner, and if we need help with family that is possible. Mostly it's a case of inviting. It takes a little effort and planning to fit something new into your life. Watch for the clues. If someone says, "Let's get together." don't assume they are just being polite, get your calendar out!

Both kinds of friendships are great. I think we can use them both. You can do it!!!

BookLady Alison

Blogging about life, the universe and everything at Homeschoolers Guide to the Galaxy
Gift Ideas for people you care about at GreatFunBooks.com

uh hello?

Adriennevh — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 14:31:52 -0600

Did you climb inside my brain before you wrote this?

I too have most of my "friends" online, I have a couple of good girlfriends IRL but they are mostly maintained by them, not me.

I think this is part of the reason I had such a hard time at my first BlogHer last year. I don't do face to face well. Something I have resolved to if not overcome but to at least make a better effort of at next year's conference.

Friendships get harder as we get older, I think

Elisa Camahort — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 14:17:48 -0600

I have a long list of friends...most of whom I now see only rarely. You don't have to have kids to get consumed by life...for me it's work and blogging (which are very intertwined.)

I used to be the one everyone knew would keep us all in touch...I was that person who organized things and made social stuff happen. But It's very very rare now.

And yes, the Internet is a great place to maintain friendships because it's right here when you want it, no matter what time the clock says.

interesting subject...what do other people think?

Elisa Camahort Page
BlogHer
elisa@blogher.com

My BlogHer profile truly shows you everything I do online...Check it out!!

The Internet Is My Only Friend

sugarbritches26 — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 12:22:36 -0600

It's cold out. Finally. I've been waiting for a chill in the air since the last cold snap of the previous spring. The kids are sleeping, the wood stove is emanating heat to every corner of my snug little house. And what am I doing? Staring into the depths of my monitor, connecting with people I don't even know. Blogging for myself and for the feedback. Hoping to reach people I'll never meet, whilst ignoring those folks within my reach.

The Internet is my friend. My only friend besides my husband and children. Yes, I am one of those women. Women who don't have the time, the patience, or the know how to maintain a female friendship. I've made attempts, albeit failed attempts, but I've tried none the less. I have women I call my friends, but I wouldn't even think about picking up the phone, pouring my heart out to them, yet it comes so easily here. Oddly enough, with you, the anonymous, I am comfortable. Put me amongst a bunch of women and my skin crawls, literally. I feel like an amoeba on a slide under the microscope. Being judged, scrutinized, made fun of. Here, in the vast universe of blogdom and women bloggers, I feel like finally I fit in.

I've often envied relationships perpetrated on television. Carrie and Miranda. Kate and Beth. Lauren and whoever she calls her BFF right now. Witnessing these kinds of female companionship in the real world is even harder. College girls who would do anything for their sisters. Friends for life, since Kindergarten, still in touch in their forties. What have I done wrong? What about me says, “This person is incapable of a lasting female relationship so don't bother.” Why do I choose the anonymity of the web over real, concrete, face to face friendships?

My mother thinks its genetic. She too, is one of those women. I can remember one friend of hers, a gorgeous, fun loving girl she met in college, but today they don't speak. After spending the last 10 years as close pals. Granted, she has had her cocktail buddies, her work colleagues that email and bring her gifts (mainly because she is the boss), but aside from that she maintains relationships with no one but family. On many occasions she has sadly observed that I am the same way. I'm traveling the same friendless road. Maybe she led by example, or maybe I have just never had that connection, that spark it must take to like another woman so much that you share your life, day by day with her.

Maybe there is a prototype for friendless women. Some probably just get along better with men. Some are probably too catty and backstabbing to maintain friendships. Others are mostly loners or too shy to make a pal. Some women are so consumed by their mothering and family duties that they neglect that enriching part of their life. I like to think I fall into the latter. Family being my first priority and any spare time I have is spent here. But I could just be in denial, having made the concious choice years ago to not let another woman too close. Out of fear, fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear that I'm just not that cool. What I crave is a place to use my words to communicate without sending mixed signals with my expressions. Truth be told, I'm intimidating in person, and women just don't seem to like me from their first impression.

I would love to know your take, my blogger friends, on your real life female friends. How long have you had them, is there any underlying issues you've overcome, did you meet them online? Or are you like me, your best friend is your husband, your emotional support group is your kids, and your best girlfriends are only a screen name and a picture.