BlogHer - Manners Matter: Teaching Kids How To Act at the Table - Comments

Said like a true mom of four

Colored With Memories — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 20:03:29 -0600

" "parenting to impress" will backfire. EVERY time. Often spectacularly so. "

love that line! thanks for touching on this very important issue. i'm off to check out those other links.

Kerry @ Colored With Memories

http://www.justusgibsons.blogspot.com

Table Manners

Angie The Average — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:37:48 -0600

As a mom of 2 step-sons for 5 years and 3 boys of my own, I have definitly learned a few things.

First, if they only throw food when your not there, you have won half the battle.

Second, that initial food thrower was probably your husband.

Third, if they quietly giggle while saying " excuse me" after passing gas, consider it a job well done. The older they get, the quieter the giggling gets.

All kidding aside, there are things you can do to curb the little Cave People at your table. Starting early and show by example are great starts. You have to remember when they are very young ( ages 2 to 5 ), they are going through one of the biggest developmental stages in their lives. Just think about all the new stuff they have to remember everyday.

Taking it slowly will help. Start by picking one or two things ie: Chewing with mouth closed or elbows. Praise them everytime time you see them making an effort to remember something. If you watch them close you can see the consentration on their little faces.

Give them a few seconds to correct themselves. Children need to learn to stop doing things on their own, unless you plan on following them forever saying "stop that".

DO NOT HARP!!! It will cause their little brains to shut down and you to become Charlie Browns teacher. They will not hear a word you say. Try to only correct the things you asked of them. If they put their elbows on the table, correct in a simple, polite, short manner. Of coarse you can still reprimand for big things, but don't turn it into a " Big thing".

Slowly add new things as you see them get comfortable with the others.

Reward them for their effort, a bigger piece of cake for dessert can go a long way.

Make it fun. Have a quiz at the beginning of dinner, have them correct you as you go through dinner making mistakes on purpose

Let them correct you without feeling like they will get in trouble. Say thank you or sorry, this also boosts their self-esteem. Set a date on the calander for a night out to dinner at their favorite restaurant for when they have mastered eating humanly.

As for punishment of the older ones, mine got very tired of eating facing the wall. If they threw someting it bounced back and hit em. This works well for the open-mouth chewer.

Making them wait until everyone else is finished and then sitting down to eat whats left by themselves works for all offenses. They get really hungry, and bored watching every eat while they sit and wait. Not to mention all the good stuff is gone and their left with broccoli.

Hope these tips have helped, so grab the biggest lid and the barbeque fork and head on in if you dare.

KUDOS!

mamastoff — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:19:53 -0600

http://alittlemorecrazythancool.com

KUDOS to all the moms who even care enough to be talking about this! so many don't!

What if it is your husband?

crunchychristianmama — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 11:08:44 -0600

I have discussed manners with my husband and we are on the same page with expectations and my children do great...most of the time. On days where everyone is a little wired and I am visualizing my hands around each child's neck my husband works against me because he is a total ham. I understand that he likes to be "the fun one" but he has even been evicted from his mom's dining room as an adult. What do you do when the child that needs the most "work" is actually an adult?!! Like I said, it is rare, but infuriating. Maybe I should just take comfort in the fact that when things disolve at the in-law's house, my husband is the ring leader and it reflects more on them than me.

Call Me Aunt Fern

MrsWsKitchen — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 07:55:32 -0600

Thanks so much for this article! I must be Aunt Fern, because I find the lack of table manners in children horrifying. I have friends with a 9-year-old boy; they all burp and fart at the table and think it's hilarious. Ugh.

In my Sunday School I'm forced to correct this kind of misbehavior. This boy--and others--share that this is how mom & dad act at home, so it's okay. I remind them that this is not home, and we don't behave that way here. If only their parents knew how much their kids reveal of home life. I've literally had to send children to the bathroom so they could privately pick their noses, instead of sharing that particular event with the rest of us during snack-time.

It's not that these kids can't learn, either. Once the standard is established in Sunday School, they learn it and maintain it. They're able to have manners when I'm around. Sure, kids are kids--they're going to make mistakes (we all do) and a certain level of leniency is appropriate. But when they get the look they remember themselves.

My brother and I were raised to set the table for nightly family meals at table, say please and thank-you, correctly use a fork and knife, behave in a restaurant, ask to be excused, make conversation, and NOT allow offensive noises to escape.

Regular home meals with standards required help a child learn how to be an adult. It doesn't have to be military precision--just an expectation of respectful behavior.

Amanda
Mrs.W's Kitchen

I agree

kdc521 — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:59:49 -0600

Starting early - that's what I was going to point out. Both of my sons have been eating meals (especially dinner) at the dining room table practically since birth. Of course they have their moments (especially the 20 months old one!) but for the most part, they behave at the table. I think that if you have realistic expectations and train as you go, you (and the kids!) will be just fine.

On a side note, I must emphasize "realistic expectations". (i.e. I sit my 20 months old son away from his grandmother when we're eating out, because he's loud sometimes and I know that noise bothers her.) To the best of my ability, I try to set my kids up to win as well as other diners.

-Kimberly/Mom in the City

Start 'em early

mamastoff — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:06:51 -0600

http://alittlemorecrazythancool.com

Love your thoughts! Agree completely that it should be a year round thing. I would also encourage moms and dads to start 'em young. I read several years ago about not letting a behavior start that you have to later correct. Meaning, in this context, to implement manners as soon as your little one is at the table- even if it's in a highchair. We did this with my now almost-3-year-old and he's great at meals. Not saying there's never any farts or burps or tantrums over what he has to try eating, but he knows to say "excuse me" if the prior happens and the latter is happening less and less frequently. But he truly has never thrown food, smeared it on the table, etc. Eating together is enjoyable! SO thankful I read those words of wisdom when I did!

Maybe it's different for girls

Vered — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:29:37 -0600

But my two girls are happy to learn. We mostly teach by example, although teaching them how to use a knife and fork required a more active approach. Getting them to keep their elbows off the table has been the most challenging task so far.

---

Mommy Blogger Wannabe.

I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs.

In The Thick Of It

sugarbritches26 — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:56:52 -0600

This is one of my greatest nighttime battles, every single night. From the very beginning I have worked on manners, and my children will say please, thank you, excuse me until they are blue in the face, even when they are being horrible. But they can't seem to stop from actually eating like a wild animal. I have patiently explained the differences in finger food and fork food, reprimanded open mouth chewing, reminded the that napkins are for cleaning oneself not throwing at your brother. Some nights are great, others I just want to crawl under the table, if it wasn't so dang dirty down there. The battle wages on and I'll keep fighting it, because while they might be the loudest rowdiest kids, at least they'll say excuse me as they're barrelling past you.

A.A.

Good idea

cowgirlinwellies — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:38:58 -0600

I liked the eating in another room. Unfortunately our "step" is right next to the dining room so putting bad behaviour on the step doesn't work very well. They just chat along as if they hadn't left the table. I will definitely try the eating on their own in another room.

Thanks!

www.cowgirlinwellies.blogpot.com

Wow, I think I love you!

Judith in Umbria — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 05:25:32 -0600

I am so sick of being exposed to eating with barnyard animals disguised as children-- some even over 21.

http://www.judithgreenwood.com/thinkonit/

Manners Matter: Teaching Kids How To Act at the Table

rocksinmydryer — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:19:42 -0600

So, let's just cut right to the chase here. I'm the mother of four children, three of whom are elementary-aged boys. If I'm qualified to write a post on the subject of table manners, it's because I'm in the thick of the battle, not because I have it figured out. It's a work in progress. There's a learning curve. There are days when our dinners are lovely and polite, and there are days when I wonder if we should just eat in the garage.

With the holidays approaching, parents may find themselves a little aware of their children's table behavior, since they suddenly have the privilege of viewing it through the eyes of Aunt Fern. Likely, Aunt Fern isn't amused by dinnertime flatulence.

The truth is, of course, that teaching kids table manners should be a year-round task, not something that suddenly becomes important when company comes over. My goal in parenting is not to impress Aunt Fern or anyone else, it's to raise responsible, courteous people. A small part of that is being able to sit at a table without looking like a caveman. And manners matter. They're more than social cues or traditions, they're common-sense ways to express courtesy. With that as a goal, here are a few things I try to keep in mind with my own kids:

1. The goal is to consider others. Children may think table manners are a list of do's and don'ts we've constructed to make them crazy, but of course, that is ultimately not the point. It's helpful to explain that we learn table manners because it's the kind thing to do. Mealtime is a time of concentrated togetherness, in which we have a good opportunity to be thoughtful. We don't chew with our mouth open, because others don't want to see it. We don't put our elbows on the table, because it crowds others. We don't burp out loud, because it is unappetizing. (Did you hear me, son? We don't burp out loud, because it is unappetizing.)

2. Take it one skill at a time. Don't just do a mad scramble to learn table manners two weeks before Thanksgiving. Work on it year-round. Take one "manner" each week, and give concentrated focus on that particular behavior at each meal.

3. Keep your motives pure. Are you harping on manners because you want to look like Super Mom at the next family meal? Take it from me, "parenting to impress" will backfire. EVERY time. Often spectacularly so.

4. Keep your expectations realistic. They're kids. It's a learning curve, remember? Expect, even require, good behavior, but remember that good habits may take a while to form. That said...

5. ...create consequences. Consistently bad table manners is a form of disrespect. In our family, a repeat offense will buy you a one-way ticket to having dinner alone, in another room. Tailor your consequences for your child's age, of course, but stand your ground.

Plenty of other bloggers are discussing the idea of table manners, too:

Growing Together Under One Son is writing about the challenges of teaching table manners to young quadruplets.

Social Couture lists the top ten table manners kids should learn.

The Wichita Falls Crave blog share a similar helpful list.

Little Kittle is talking about how manners can begin even in the highchair days.

So, what about you? What's your best idea for instilling table manners in your own kids? Do you find yourself getting a little more stressed about the subject closer to the holidays?

Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.