Dating angst

IshtarM — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 02:34:56 -0600

I enjoyed this post. I'm experiencing my own dating angst right now though for different reasons.

You wrote about the "clicking" on a first date...I used to be a great believer in that until I met a man with whom I "clicked", went out with and who eventually moved in with me...only to discover a few months later that he was a psychopath who had set me up from the very beginning ((loooong story, won't go into details now). He's out of my life now, permanently I hope.

It's been nearly six months since that fiasco ended and sometimes I feel I want to start dating again but every time I'm asked out I freeze up in terror and I refuse the invitation. I know I need time to heal but I also have a tendency to "hibernate" and I don't want my social life to end as a result of the trauma of my previous relationship.

Please keep writing about your dating experiences - it helps to read about what other women experience and I hope it will help me to regain my courage to start trusting again.

Random Thoughts on Dating

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 08:17:26 -0600

It is difficult to date more than one person at a time if a) you already have a fairly full schedule and b) people you date aren't just No, No, No. I mean, if every date you went on was a total bust, then you'd just rotate through, right? But if you're interested in the person you are seeing, then you're cultivating that relationship while going on other first dates, and this is kinda hurting my head.

Because I do feel that this time around I need to not rush into a superheavyexclusive relationship without going out with at least a few different people. But it's actually really difficult to motivate yourself to keep putting yourself out there.

And sometimes I think that this blog is the only thing keeping me from giving up on love entirely. Though the romantic in me finds that so unacceptable that maybe that's not really true. But it sure feels that way sometimes. I mean, if I don't keep trying, what on earth am I going to write about?

Stay tuned for my ten-part series on my loneliness and angst.

So BTW, it is all you'all's fault that I am on OKCupid right now wondering what to do about my inbox. I feel rude if someone sends me a message and I don't reply, but what if I'm not interested? Isn't it easier/better to just not reply? Not to mention, um, Quivers and Questions and Tests and Woos and QuickMatch, and seriously, do I email this guy back and tell him that I dated his twin brother like four years ago??? I mean, he sent me a really nice email, and he's cuter than his brother...

So I'm set up on OKCupid and haven't emailed anyone back. Ass.

In eHarmony news, my current subscription ends December 7th, so I turned off matching like a week ago and put the lame note in my profile to let peeps know that I'm letting the subscription lapse. (Yes, I turned off the superlame autorenew!) I may or may not do eHarmony again in the new year, but with the holidays I didn't want to shell out the dough. Result of my 3-month membership: three (going on four if I get digits by the 7th) real hits, which is pretty good. With eHarmony you're doing so much vetting in the process that that's pretty much how it goes.

Now, this is what's really got my brain gerbils going right now: I've been thinking for a while about attraction, the sense of attraction, being similar to recognition. That when you meet someone you instantly click with it's often because you "recognize" them on some level, even though you've never met them. That they are similar feelings, attractive and recognition.

But what if that's a trick? What if what you're "recognizing" is neuroses, or commitment phobia, or the same physicality or mannerisms of a past love? I mean, that's not exactly full of win.

What happens when you meet someone who's just totally new and different? And you don't feel that click, that comfortable feeling of recognition? Because how could you? It's kinda scary.

And it occurs to me that since moving to L.A. I've been looking for someone who's quite like me, and lately I've been remembering that that's a relatively new way of being for me. Before L.A., I was more about the partner someone who brings a new world to the table. Things to learn and explore. Worlds to collide.

Maybe being in L.A. was so overwhelming at first that I found myself seeking the familiar, even though I wasn't that way before.

Maybe now that L.A. is feeling more and more like home, like a very real and comfortable part of me, I'm feeling stronger in myself, in who I really am, in who I was (the good bits anyway) before I began this treacherous journey into my La La life.

OK, that last bit about L.A., I totally just realized that while I was typing. My continuing dating evolution? It's clearly all your fault.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Linky goodness:

To talk, or not to talk - from E in Oz on Kalliope's Musings, a post about having the mental energy to deal.

You date our brothers, you date us too (*UPDATE!) - from Delswife on Love ya, Mean it!, a HILARIOUS post about prepping a bro for his date. (So with her on the carnations hate.)

No New Kisses - from Constance (the First), a quickie post that just provided me with a list of things to worry about during first kisses that I have never once worried about with first kisses, but which I may now being worrying about. Awesome.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

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Dating angst

Random Thoughts on Dating