Great post, Suzanne.

Nordette — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:08:10 -0600

If you think it's a sesmic shift in gender roles, then perhaps you'll enjoy another BlogHer post from the summer, I think, "I don't want to sound sexist but woman up, son!" I wrote it after watching the series caring for your parents. I have both a son and a daughter and want them both to be capable of being caregivers. My son learned a lot helping to care for my mother before she passed away last month, and my father, my mother's primary caregiver for years, still lives with us. I think more men in caregiver roles will help humanity grow.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is WSATA.

Men Increasingly Serve as Caregivers to Elderly Parents

Suzanne Reisman — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:08:16 -0600

Although I was still full from dinner two nights prior, I settled down for my usual breakfast-over-the-New-York-Times on Saturday morning. More Men Take the Lead Role in Caring for Elderly Parents, the paper announced under the fold on the front page. I sat up straight. "What, now one out of every ten men takes care of a parent in need instead of half a percent or whatever?" I cynically mumbled to myself. "Hallelujah! Let's give 'em an award." I read the article. My assumptions could not have been more off base.

According to the article:

The Alzheimer’s Association and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimate that men make up nearly 40 percent of family care providers now, up from 19 percent in a 1996 study by the Alzheimer’s Association. About 17 million men are caring for an adult.

In my humble opinion, this is huge in terms of social implications. For now, the men in the article report many of the same problems faced by women who care for elderly parents: they are exhausted, isolated, and burned out. However, men who care for their elderly parents face additional burdens. While female caregivers are isolated, they tend to have better social networks than men, who have few people they can turn to and confide in. Employers are even less understanding when men ask for time off to care for family members than when women do, as men are still expected to be career-oriented whereas women are expected to juggle families and work. Sons caring for elderly mothers are also accorded less respect than daughters caring for parents of either sex, viewed in a suspect manner when they take interest in their mothers' care. As Amy Torres, helpline director at Fria, a national nonprofit organization based in New York that represents family members and residents in long-term care facilities, told the Times:

Nursing homes have a very difficult time dealing with male caregivers. It’s unusual for them. The male caregiver is made to feel their interest in their relative is inappropriate. Our male callers say they’re made to feel what they’re doing is unusual, that it’s wrong.

Hopefully, as more men step into roles as caregivers, these stigmas will disappear. It seems like these guys can't win: by doing the right thing for their parents, they are treated as deviants. At Broadsheet, Kate Harding points out that this onundrum is exactly why feminism is not just for women:

...this article is a great argument for why men need feminism as much as women do... For instance, Leland points out that men are less likely to use employee-assistance programs for caregivers because, as one man who looks after his mother puts it, "I think it would be looked at like, when they hire a male, they expect him to be 100-percent focused. I don't want to appear to be someone who has distractions that detract from performance."... The sexist assumption that men are more committed to their jobs and women are more easily "distracted" by petty concerns like ailing parents (or children) hurts both genders.

As a woman, I can't imagine being told that my interest in my elderly father's health is "inappropriate," which goes to the root problem here -- the sexist assumption that women are "natural" caregivers, ergo men are not. I think it's scandalous that a grown man being compassionate, nurturing and responsible is considered such an unusual sight that nursing home employees will be suspicious of his motives.

Kaye at SandwichINK notes that her father often helped care for sickly relatives and was a full-time, stay-at-home caregiver for years while her mother worked. After saluting her father's pioneering behavior, she offers advice for men (and women) who provide elder care to avoid the nursing home situation described in the Times article:

Now that I am aware that could be a problem, I would make sure to have my parent, or any person I am a caregiver for, add that to the list of items they give permission for. That way you are protected in all situations. As I wrote in my article on Emergency information, http://budurl.com/SIemergencyinfo , you should always bring copies of Living Wills, Powers of Attorney, and other parental permission information forms with you to hospitals, care homes, etc. To that I would now add a specific note that “my caregiver has permission to oversee all aspects of my care including bathing, toiletry, etc.” It seems silly that is necessary, but better safe than sorry.

While I was surprised at the number of men providing care to elderly relatives, I was equally surprised by the lack of commentary that I found on feminist blogs about this issue. Is it because it hit the press during Thanksgiving weekend, or am I behind and this is not really news to people? Honestly, I think it is a seismic shift in gender roles, and I'd love to hear what people think about it.

Suzanne also blogs about life at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants. Her first book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, is about unusual things to see and do in New York City.

BlogHer - Men Increasingly Serve as Caregivers to Elderly Parents - Comments

Great post, Suzanne.

Men Increasingly Serve as Caregivers to Elderly Parents