BlogHer - Attention offspring: You're my favorite - Comments

it's a valid point

Mir Kamin — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 07:05:06 -0600

I see what you mean about the joking potentially being taken seriously, Elana. My daughter, in particular, loves a joke right up until the moment she melts in a puddle, insisting "IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!" So I think that's an important thing to consider.

But I think (hope?) the fact that I also call my husband and various friends "my favorite" defuses the possible charge there. In our family, it really does just mean "I like you." Thank you for reminding me that I can never be too careful of the kids' feelings, though.

--
Mir Kamin
(BlogHer contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

What If The Kids Really Don't Think This Is So Funny?

Elana Centor — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 06:37:27 -0600

While it's not my place to tell any parent that they are fooling themselves -- I can say for myself I would never ever joke around about one child being my favorite ---To me, it's asking for a whole lot of trouble because one day one of those kids may just start believing it.

If that were the tradition in my house, sooner or later one of my kids would have said, "80% of the time you say(pick siblings name) as your favroite! Or worse, they would simply not respond but then years later tell me that it really hurt their feelings.

The thing is my kids kept trackof everything and they expected equal treatment -- even though I said on a regular basis I 'm not going to treat you the same because (a) there's a five year age difference

(b) you are different people.

It didn't matter. I was regularly accused of being unfair and letting the other one get away with murder.

Punishing Noah with no TV would have been no punishment at all but for Berit it would have been cruel and unusual punishment.

If asked individually both would say I am too easy on the other and give in to their demands too much.

I call that success.

They would both say I am closer to one child -- my daughter calls me every day and she and I run errands together when she's in town and we share common interests. There's an easiness to our chatter that doesn't exist with my son.

My son enjoys going to nice restaurants with me but he doesn't enjoy sitting around having a cup of coffee and just chatting-- something that I would love to do. He would never go to a movie with me and absolutely never watch TV in the same room.

So would someone say my daughter is my favorite? How does someone judge that? What is the criteria for favortism?

It's just another f-word that I can live without

elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

Like and Love

AllisonWonder — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 06:32:35 -0600

I love both of my boys equally, if not in the exact same way... but I don't necessarily LIKE them both equally. Thse days my three-year old is a frustrated (and frustrating), moody little guy who always seems to be screaming at or pushing his baby brother- not exactly endearing. But he has his moments when he's the most likable, lovable kid I've ever met, and I grab onto those moments as often as I can, and I let him know how nice it is to have him around. His little brother is a happy, sunny, adorable little chunk of a thing, but he has his moments, too...

I might not always like how my kids are behaving, but they both always know that I love them. Does that mean that the one who's easier to get along with at any given moment is my favourite? I hope not.

Allison Wonder

http://adventuresinhomeeconomics.wordpress.com

I understand where Bennett is coming from

MommyMystic — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:08:38 -0600

Reading Laura's actual post, 'the list' concept came off as more comedic than I would have thought. In a way, it is just bringing out into the open something the kids already sense, and letting them laugh about it a bit, which does have a healthy side. As everyone commenting has noted, we all have children we feel connected to or at odds with on different days, weeks, months, and years. And kids know that. So I can see some value in letting it be out in the open, and making a bit of a joke of it. At least her list is fluid.

My main issue with the list concept is that it comes awfully close to saying love is conditional. I think the real challenge is making sure all your kids feel unconditional love, even on the days/weeks/months when they know they aren't your favorite...

favorites

chndlrs — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 12:41:48 -0600

I was the favorite, though our parents vigorously denied it. It's caused no end of trouble between me and my siblings. I wish my parents had been more diplomatic about it, rather than just deny the reality that was being voiced.

I tell me kids my favorite child/pet/sibling/etc. is whichever one I am looking at with the exception of my husband who is always my #1 all-time favorite. The kids protest this, but deep in their hearts I think they know it is a good thing.

Ebb and Flow

Giyen — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:19:05 -0600

I only have one child and our relationship ebbs and flows, sometimes daily. We have honeymoon periods which are great and there are other times when I WISH I had a second kid just so I could feel like I was connecting with someone in our house!

When I was growing up, my siblings felt as though I was the favorite. But in reality, I was much younger than they were and to be honest, I think I got more attention because babies need more hands on nuturing than 6 year olds!

All in all, I think it's just natural to connect with one child over another, just like it's natural to connect with regular people. I have a favorite niece - she's just a kindred spirit.

Giyen

Bacon Is My Enemy

Having a favorite is not the same as playing favorites

Lisse — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 09:11:31 -0600

Sometimes it can be hard not to show preference for one over the other, but there are personalities with whom you feel more at ease, and personalities with whom you are forever butting heads.

Of course, as a parent, you have to try to conduct yourself evenly with all your children, which can be a challenge.

-Lisse

@ Home in the World

Funny You Should Post This...

MommyNamedApril — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:12:28 -0600

I've actually been giving this a lot of thought lately, because my mother-in-law recently told me, very matter of factly, that all moms favorite their first born. Which I found odd, since she is, and has been, an overtly better mother to her younger child. Regardless, my husband was so put off by this, that he didn't speak to her for weeks.

I didn't get angry, but it got me thinking. Long and hard. And I've decided after much consideration, I don't have a favorite. I definiately like one better than the other at many moments - but that doesn't a favorite make. So, I would have to agree with you!

April

www.AprilsLittleFamily.blogspot.com

Each a favorite in a different way

grannysu — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:28:36 -0600

Granny Sue Stories from the Mountains and Beyond www.grannysu.blogspot.com susannaholstein@yahoo.com

I have 5 sons, 4 by my first marriage and 1 by my second. The charge of "you treat him differently sometimes came from both directions. It was difficult to explain that I treated each differently because they were all different and had different needs. Now that all five are adults, they understand better, but even now I'll hear "you're babying him" sometimes. I do what I think is best, and I will do whatever each one needs no matter how old they are (and right now they're 22, 35, 36, 38, and 39). One has severe anxiety, one is a single dad, one has a daughter who lives near me but far from him, another needs to be reminded to say no because he will give almost too much of himself to others, and one just needs me to teach country things to his children. How could I possibly treat each the same?

My mother had 13 children. She always said that every one of us was an only child. A wise woman.

I'm On the UnEqual Like Fence

sugarbritches26 — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 12:03:54 -0600

Sometimes I'm worried that I DO have a favorite. Not that I show it, but after reading this maybe it's just the ages and stages that are causing this. I LOVE all my children dearly and there is not one that I love more than the other, but like? Yeah, I think so. It's my middle child, because he is the quiet one, the one who gets pushed out of the way, the one who is not a baby anymore and he knows it. He breaks my heart and is very special too me in a way very different than how his big brother and baby sister are special.

A.A.

Great post, Mir.

Rita Arens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:32:07 -0600

My mom always told both my sister and I that we were her favorite, too, and whomever was with her at the time or helping at the time was her favorite. It was a family joke. I wonder if she does have a favorite, but I'd never want to know, and she's never shown it. I only have one child, so I guess I'll never find out if I would have a favorite.

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

Love this topic

megansul — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 09:52:07 -0600

Thanks for bringing it up. It's amazing how we connect differently with our kids depending on the day, week or month. While I will not admit to having a favorite -one of my three is much lower maintenance than the other two. And this may come as no surprise but he's the middle child. He's a good student, a good athlete, has lots of friends and is a good eater. I thank god for him because the other two could just kill me one day. My oldest son has required a lot of attention since the day he was born and my youngest is a complete drama queen (even though I adore every girly thing about her). I feel connected to each of them for different reasons and there are days when I can appreciate each one of them for who they are. And there are days when I am completely challenged by how amazingly difficult they can be. My husband thinks each one of our kids walks on water and is able to call that to my attention when I'm ready to walk away and not come back. At the end of the day, I think we all love our kids with every ounce of our being but some days it's just easier to like one more than the other.

I agree with you

LucindaA — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:05:43 -0600

I don't have a favorite but my kids are not equal either. In fact we talk about how I love them both equally and differently at the same time because they are two very different people. I list specific things I love about them (which can also be the things that drive me the craziest about them too) and how those things make up who they are.

I don't ever want the to be under the misconception that treating them equally means treating them the same. They seem to get that. They also know I have a favorite son and a favorite daughter and a favorite husband, etc. We laugh about it all the time.

Bennett seems to be under that misconception though that different is unfair since she seems to believe we are all the same. How unfortunate for her and her children.

For those who do have a favorite, I think your job must be so much harder if you are aware of it and trying not to make your children aware of it. I feel for you because I don't think you choose to not have a favorite anymore than I could choose to have a favorite.

I have a favorite.

Maria Young — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 00:24:35 -0600

And it doesn't change - it's constant. But I do my damndest to make sure that I don't outwardly favorite her over her sister and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about her making children compete for the top spot on her 'list'. That's not healthy, sorry, and it could very well damage their psyche later on in life. I know first hand how it feels to grow up in a family where a child is obviously favored. She has no idea how much she's damaging their future relationships with her, and with each other.

- Maria Young

http://immoralmatriarch.com
twitter.com/maria0305

I disagree with Bennett.

Nordette — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 20:56:34 -0600

I just called both my children in the room and asked them, "Do you think I have a favorite?"

They both shook their heads "no," and looked at me puzzled. (Ages 18 and 27)

I said, "You're right! Each of you gets on my nerves in your own special way."

Cool post, Mir.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is WSATA, and she's finally taken the dive into Twitter

Attention offspring: You're my favorite

Mir Kamin — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 20:32:23 -0600

There are certain things that my children know: My husband makes the best pancakes, their dad will always spring for donuts, and I'm the one who reminds them to do their homework and practice piano. Oh, and also, they know that they're my favorite.

I don't remember exactly how it started -- it was probably at dinner one night, over something minor one of them did. "You're my favorite," my husband said to the child in question, with a big grin and perhaps some eyebrow-waggling at the other child. The conversation devolved into a discussion of what the non-favorite child could do to "catch up." It was a dinner with lots of laughter and clear understanding that we were just joking around. And from then on, "You're my favorite" became the family catchphrase.

We both say it to the kids. The kids say it to us. Ever so rarely, they even say it to each other. It's come to mean "thank you" or "nice work" or even "I feel like saying this to you rather than pointing out to your sibling that he or she is being a brat at the moment." And my husband and I even say it to each other. (Let me tell you, nothing gets a kid behaving nicely and setting the table faster than hearing mom declare someone else her favorite!)

It works in our family because 1) there's plenty of good humor and snark to go with it and 2) we don't actually have favorites. That second part is important, because it wouldn't be funny, otherwise.

But Laura Bennett says I'm fooling myself, because according to her, she has a favorite and so does every other mom on the planet.

If you swear you have no favorite, and think you are fooling your kids, you're fooling yourself. Just because kids are short, they aren't stupid. They can figure it out. Just like personalities are formed by birth order, I think personalities are formed by preference order. It's not a bad thing, its just the way life works.

Bennett details how she keeps a mental "list" and her children are well aware of it, and even vie to move up on it. It's natural! It's healthy! Everyone does it!

Sorry, I think that's utter crap.

I mean, hey, good for Bennett for being honest. Maybe she truly does have a favorite, maybe her children are perfectly well-adjusted in spite of that, and she's most certainly not alone in her approach. But she doesn't get to tell me that I'm the same way. Because it just so happens that I'm not.

I'm not going to bring y'all to my therapist's couch with me, or anything, but let me just tell you that my parents played favorites. And I love my parents dearly. But they played favorites and here is what I know about that: It feels terrible. On either side, actually. At least, that was my experience, and so I made a conscious decision when I became a parent not to do that. Because Bennett is right that kids aren't stupid and always know when someone is the favorite.

Do I sometimes like one child more than the other right at that moment? Sure.

Do I occasionally feel more connected to one kid than I do to the other one? Absolutely.

Do I treat them absolutely the same all the time? No, because I don't know how to do that with two different people.

But. But. There is ebb and flow, and I don't mean the sort of thing Bennett talks about where she refers to life stages and basically says she'll always prefer babies to teenagers. I mean that what is true right now and what's true five minutes from now may differ. I don't have an inherent preference for boys over girls or the older child over the younger child. I don't. Maybe you do, and I wish you the best of luck with that. But I don't, and I resent being told that I'm deluded for feeling that way.

I don't treat them exactly the same, because they have different needs. And I do have certain preferences based upon their personalities -- I would rather play outside with the child who doesn't spend the entire time whining to go in, and I would rather eat a meal with the child who actually eats the food instead of dissecting it, for example. But they are both my favorite. She's my very favorite daughter and he's my very favorite son. And if they were both boys or both girls they'd be my favorite Oldest and Youngest. And if I had twelve kids, there would be twelve reasons that each of them would be my very favorite.

And just for the record? I don't have a favorite ice cream flavor, either. Though perhaps Laura Bennett thinks I'm kidding myself about that one, too.

Mommy's Gotta Life says we all play favorites, and it's perfectly fine -- though her definition of how that changes sounds more like my minute-to-minute perspective than Bennett's list.

And the New York Times' Lisa Belkin asks her readers if they have a favorite child, noting that "often what feels like unequal love is more likely unequal like."

So what say you? Do you have a favorite child? Am I splitting hairs over Bennett's position or is her assertion that "we all do it" just her attempt to justify?

But before you answer, I just want to tell you something: You're my favorite. No, really.

BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, and about the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.