BlogHer - Raising Problem Solvers - Comments

Rachelle Hughes, freelance

Cchelle — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:30:57 -0600

Rachelle Hughes, freelance writer

rnhughes.blogspot.com

pantryeats.blogspot.com

What a great post. It is so important to remember that our jobs as parents is to raise capable citizens of society. It is not our job to do do everything for them. Once we let go of all the problem solving we also find that we our a lot happier as mothers.

I am with you!

jsassoon — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:57:33 -0600

I totally agree. Once I started letting go and thinking along the lines of "whose problem is it?" - I automatically became more of a relaxed parent. I realized that most things were not my problem and allowed my kids (now 4 and 5 1/2) to figure things out on their own. My role evere since that realization: to empathize - in a real and sincere way - and to encourage - by showing them that I am confident they will figure it out...and they do!

Great for them...and for me (because I get to go back and continue to do what I was doing before they interrupted me with: "He hit me!!" etc. etc.)

: )

Get REAL™:

Respect yourself; find

Encouragement within;

Appreciate your unique gifts and strengths;

Love yourself...unconditionally!

www.getreal-coaching.com

I agree

Carrie Blankenship — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:18:37 -0600

It is really important to get your kids to start solving their own problems at an early age. I wish I was better at this because then maybe I wouldn't be micro-managing my 10 and 11 year old boys. Ugh!

Learn from my mistakes!

Carrie at Stop Screaming I'm Driving!

Problems Are Opportunities Not Yet Discovered

alisonawesley — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:11:51 -0600

I totally agree. As a working mom, I find that it's a constant struggle for me to not be quick handed and just resolve the problems of my four year old twins on my own. I often say "you need to work it out with each other." Surprisingly, if they realize they can't just count on me to come up with the answer, they will do a great job on all their own!

Amen!

AmberS — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:14:01 -0600

I'm with you. I want my kids to be creative problem solvers. I think it's one of the skills that can get you really far in life. My oldest is not yet 4, so it's slow going, but we're working on it!

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

So Important!

Colormepink — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 10:55:15 -0600

I agree completely! The phrase that I think my kids will remember is: "Think three dimensionally!" I say at least four times a day. But it really has helped them to attack problems from different sides.

I think I'm going to steal the idea about having them check each others chores - we alreaady do it with school work, so it shouldn't be that much of a leap.

Christine
It's My World. Welcome To It.
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Jewelry Blog: http://www.starbrightjewels.com/blog

Raising Problem Solvers

rocksinmydryer — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:18:43 -0600

Someday, when I am long gone, and my children are sitting around reminiscing about me, there are (I hope!) many good things they'll remember. But I wonder if, toward the top of the list, they will laugh and recite the sentence they have heard me say so many times that I've wondered if we should just paint it on the wall: Be a problem solver.

I say it all day. It is one of many hopes for my children, that they will see a problem and apply common sense and creativity. I hope they'll work to fix things instead of sitting and being mastered by a challenge in front of them. When they come to me with a problem that they can, I know, fix themselves, my response is the same: Be a problem solver. What can you do about this? How can you make this better? Think it through. Sometimes they need some urging, and I provide a few prompts. Sometimes the problem is big enough that it really is beyond them, and when that's the case, I take the lead. But I never want to let my own natural tendency to "fix things" cheat them out of opportunities to solve problems themselves (and the personal satisfaction that comes with that).

That's not always an easy thing for a mother. I once heard a parenting author say that the best parents are the ones who work themselves out of a job; in other words, they raise children who can take care of themselves. It's a thought echoed in this excellent post by Robin McClure, entitled "The Unnecessary Parent". In it she lists several important principles of raising responsible kids, urging parents to give their kids responsibility even at a young age:

Parents sometimes "enable" their kids to remain dependent or incapable of performing certain life skills long after they should be able to do things for themselves. Of course, parents aren't trying to be mean; quite the opposite. But the more that parents do for their children, usually resulting from acts of love, the more they are reliant on others. The preferred course of action is to start instilling responsibility as soon as a child can be old enough to understand the concept.

Kelly Curtis of Pass the Torch (and author of Empowering Youth: How to Encourage Young Leaders to Do Great Things) addresses the same issue in a guest post for 5 Minutes For Mom. In it, she gets specific about the ways she's raising her kids' responsibility levels on their birthdays, to match their growing abilities. She talks about how their allowances stay in line with the work they're expected to do:

Although it’s more of an art than a science, we are able to work it out, and our daughter (who is two years older) claims two more jobs than our son, earning $2 more than him weekly as well. Each year when their chores increase, their allowances follow suit.

Carol of SheLives came up with a very creative way to encourage independent thinking with her kids. When her teens continued to clean their rooms in ways that were below reasonable standards, she gave them the responsibility of doing their work, and then inspecting their sibling's work:

So, back to reality. . . If an area did not meet my standards, the inspector AND the inhabitant of said area would both be denied privs for the rest of that day.

Empowering her kids with this additionally responsibility has worked beautifully for their family.

It is, as Kelly said, "more of an art than a science". No doubt we'll all over-step (or under-step) in our quest to train responsible kids. But I aim to err on the side of urging my kids to think and solve and try. When I work myself right out of a job, I'll know I did that job well.

Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.