BlogHer - Must we rank our roles? - Comments

Wow

manicmom — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 11:49:05 -0500

Sara, that was really articulate. And you summed up what I've been thinking about this topic since Mir brought it up. Very good thoughts.

Space and Time

Balance is Bogus

sarahzeldman — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 10:00:03 -0500

I used to get caught in "the balance trap" thinking that only if I could be more organized, more scheduled and more consious about every little decsion I could "get balanced" (in terms of my roles & priorites) and things wouldn't get out of whack...

But that's just not realistic.

My favorite yiddish saying is "Humans Make Plans, And G-d Laughs" How can we keep everything perfectly balanced all the time when just when we've got everything sorted out life throws us a curve ball like losing a job, a sick parent, or a joyus occasion like another baby?

There is no such thing as perfect balance - There are only choices to be made, the best you can, on a daily, sometime moment-to-moment basis...trying to keep the big picture & end "goals" in mind.

Instead of trying to create the prefectly balanced life, I now try to remain a balanced woman. To me a balanced woman regularly tunes into her own thoughts and feelings, makes choices that reflect her values, and takes the time to replenish her depleted energy. In short, a balanced woman lives purposefully â€“ not perfectly. She can survive & thrive with whatever throws her way.

That's my $.02 :)

Sarah Zeldman
www.SolutionsForBusyMoms.com

Hi Mary,

karriew — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 17:03:40 -0500

Hi Mary,

Your post is much more thoughtful than her essay. Even though my take is a bit different than yours, I understand where you're coming from. Your last point about maintaining a relationship being a joint effort rings especially true.

My issue with AW is not so much her opinion (although I do not agree with her), it is in the way she chose to quantify her love for her husband. IIRC, she wrote she would willingly place of her children in front of a bullet to save his life. That to me, is just crazy talk and could be pretty damaging for her kids to read.

Its not on par with her sun and moons analogy or with simply stating the obvious affection she has for her husband.

The Welblog

Me first, too

Susanne Fritz — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 08:22:30 -0500

But I always feel guilty about it. But then - we all do. I absolutely need time for myself, my art, and my blog. If I don't get that, nobody's happy in our house.

Making my son a priority would be easy, he just comes and demands my attention. Making my husband a priority is harder, he almost never comes and says that he is needing something. But when we're neglecting our relationship, we tend to have big fights. And you always have time for those. So on my to-do-list on my PDA are the things that I do for me (practice, excercize, etc.), then a reminder to really talk to my husband, and scheduled cuddle-time for both of us.

My son gets cuddle-time in the mornings, playtime in-between and reading-time in the evenings. But I don't have to put that on a to-do-list. And he gets quality time with his father and grandmother too. So we all take turns here.

I would hate the thought of having no life without my husband or my kid. (And I'd get real cranky!)

Diapers and Music

Windeln und Musik

I know, Mir...

Karen Rani — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 16:20:12 -0500

That you weren't picking on me - I didn't see it that way - I was just kinda clarifying where I was coming from, you nut.
*runs and hides*
Karen
--
Troll Baby

Troll Baby Graphics

hey, missy

Mir Kamin — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 15:31:13 -0500

I resemble that nuts remark! ;)

I didn't mean to pick on you at all, Karen. I got where you were coming from. Just sparked some larger issues for me. And as I said, I love the discussion that's ensued.

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

Wow! Who woulda thunk?

Karen Rani — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 15:24:17 -0500

Thanks Mir! Who would have thought that my little rant could bring up so much discussion. I guess I hit a nerve that day, though I was ranting. I felt pulled in all directions at the time, and all I wanted to do was throw up my hands, and go to the park with my kids. So I did. I took a few days for them, and in turn, it slowed me down enough to enjoy them.

Something in me clicked that day - something that said, "They are only young once."

Now I may have ranked my roles in that post, but truly, it's still a juggling act for me - most days I wear all my many hats, changing them constantly. My husband and I take time out together, a date every week. I love the reconnection with him as well. Not only that, he is very much a teammate in this parenting factory we've got goin' on here.

The home-based business sees alot of me most days - but lately I've taken the weekends off to just breathe and enjoy the family time.

Also, I have always maintained myself - since Dylan was born nearly eight years ago. That's expressed in my hobby: the blog, and taking time for me, about once a day - whether it be a walk with the dog, yoga, watching trashy t.v., or a million other things I like to do.

The balancing act is fun, isn't it? My best advice is not to forget who you are, however nuts you may be. ;)

Karen

--
Troll Baby

Troll Baby Graphics

The whole family for me

MoonGoddessMomma — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 15:22:44 -0500

Is important.

I find that it is equal time for my whole family.

I do feel however that my two children are the only two people that have the right to demand "pieces" of me. They are the only people who have the right to demand my time, my energy, etc, just because of their birth. After all, I brought them into this world. I understood, especially after the first one, what having an child entailed. I understood how much of my personal space, time, life would be sacrificed. I didn't go into this blind.

I do not believe however that we have to choose one part of our families over the other, the husband over the children for example. I believe there is room for everyone. But maybe I am coming at this with rose colored glasses. My husband also puts the whole family as a priority, not his friends, not his golf swing, us.

Now that doesn't mean that we don't go out to the movies or to dinner, and I work out of the house about 10 hours a week, but we both feel that we want to spend as much time as we can with the kids now while they are little and still want us around because I know that I will "blink" and my baby will be 13, wanting to bet a tatoo, yelling at me because she can't have the latest make-up, cell-phone contraption, and telling me that she wants me to get out of her room.

So for now, my whole family comes first, I don't want to miss out on those little things. Those little moments. There will be time in the future for me to have time to make my husband and myself the priority.

thank you all...

Mir Kamin — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 14:58:05 -0500

... for chiming in on this. I love reading the different points of view, and I feel a bit less freakish knowing I'm not the only one intrigued by this issue.

Mir

--
Mir from WCS
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

Ayelet's truth

Mary Tsao — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 12:23:04 -0500

I don't mind opening up the Ayelet can of worms to say I think she was right with her essay about loving her husband more than her kids (Full text here.)

I believe I can be a great mother and a great wife, but that if I'm a great mother and a crappy wife, it won't work. This is my believe because I grew up in a single mom household for many years. Maybe it's because I never had it, but I want my kids to have that nuclear family structure, that mom-and-dad support system that I didn't have.

If I ignore my husband or put him below everything else in my life repeatedly, our relationship will suffer and "options" will start looking viable. I know this to be true from experience -- this is my second marriage.

I would like to point out, though, that this works both ways. Husbands/partners also need to realize the priorities. It's no good for women to figure out the ranking. The priorities of a family should be part of a jointly-decided value system.

Mary
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy & Family
Mom Writes

I'm with you

Stephanie Chance — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 12:18:59 -0500

on this one, Mir. Being a child of divorce, I know how important it is for a child to have both parents together, for security, and as role models. Focusing on your marriage first shows them the importance of that bond, and it is really the best thing you can do for your children. So, in a sense, by putting your marriage first, you ARE putting your children first. And somewhere in there, you have to take care of yourself, too, because, I don't know about you, but if I'm tired and stressed, I'm not a very patient or understanding mommy.

Career..

Sneadwoman — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 10:40:00 -0500

I loved this string so much I blogged it at Clubmom. Check it out. Oh, and for me, career. It's first.

Sneadwoman
Now, What Am I Doing?
Use Your Words

I made the mistake....

manicmom — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 10:27:05 -0500

of throwing myself into all child centered parenting. And I thought I was a freak for breaking down on the bathroom floor when he was four months old because I couldn't remember doing something for me. And I slowly resolved to get a portion back of myself. I'm a single parent, but if I were married, I would focus on the relationship first and then the baby.

One of my biggest fears is the baby leaves the house, I find out I've lost myself. I'm now taking steps to prevent that.

Space and Time

I was always scared that I'd

mothergoosemouse — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 09:19:11 -0500

I was always scared that I'd lose myself - that I would just become Mommy once I had kids.

For me, it was instinctual to focus on the girls, especially when they were infants. But what really helped keep me from feeling as if I'd lost myself was that fact that my husband was just as committed to the Daddy role as I was to the Mommy role.

That is, I haven't been pigeonholed into being all Mommy, all the time. Likewise, he's not all Work-Work-Work, all the time. And we both make time to enjoy each other, our friends, and our hobbies.

It's a constant balancing act, for sure.

Not today...

Liz Thompson — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 08:25:10 -0500

...oh, don't get me wrong - I was mom, yesterday - I will always be there for my kids, just not right now.

Personally - and especially with four kids home for the summer - I have no set rules on being "the perfect mom" because there ain't no such animal.

Besides, it would be one more thing for me to mess up (not following some sort of mothering rule, I mean) and Lord knows I don't need another reason to beat myself up about.

This morning, I'm here...writing...and only after smiling and telling my kids, "Find yourselves something to do, Mom's working right now."

Later, I will change my outfit (read: pajamas) and become...Lawnmower Mom.

Even later, I will be both the good mother/wife and take my husband his lunch (that he made himself, but forgot on the kitchen table, being sidetracked after loading the dishwasher for me, while I slept) and then take the kids to the bay to hunt for shells.

Later still - I will revert to being a little girl, after calling my parents to remind them to take their meds and stay out of the heat.

My point is, the roles that I will play change from day to day (sometimes a matter of minutes) and I have learned to live up to only one label, consistently - being me...and even that is subject to flexibility.

Great discussion, Mir - I'd lick you, but I'm still working on my first cup of coffee and haven't even brushed my teeth, yet ;o)

--------------------------------------------
For more from Liz Thompson, read:
C.E. Fashion & Shopping
This Full House
The Imperfect Parent

Must we rank our roles?

Mir Kamin — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 18:09:41 -0500

Forget the breeders vs. the child-free war; forget the Mommy Wars. There will always be debates about the "right" way to be a mom. What I want to know is this: Do we have to make being a parent the number one priority in our lives?

This recent post by BlogHer's own Karen Rani really got me thinking.

Karen is speaking, mostly, about finding balance in a busy life. We all identify with that, I'm sure. What struck me was this:

I need to cut myself some slack. I work no less than 18 hours a day, between being a Mom first, a Wife second, a Friend third, a Designer fourth, and writing for a couple of websites when Iâ€™m pressed for deadline. These expectations ringing in my head are starting to make me a little crazy. Right now Iâ€™m concentrating on being that Mom first. Itâ€™s the most important of those jobs and if stuff is late, if friends are disappointed, if the house isnâ€™t clean, that is just too fucking bad, because these guys are only young once and dammit, Iâ€™m going to enjoy them.

I want to line up with everyone else and say RIGHT ON, SISTER and maybe even give Karen a little lick, because after all, I dig her. She's a woman I admire and certainly see where she's going with this, I do. I myself often struggle with finding a balance where my kids get more of me than meals and discipline.

But the comment I left her challenged the notion of being a mom before being a wife. Although my marriage failed for many (complicated) reasons, a piece of that demise had to do with our tacit agreement to prioritize the kids and their needs ahead of our own. And in our desire to give them everything they needed, we ended up taking away the very thing that I still believe would've been the best for them: A stable, two-parent home.

So now I'm curious. Does being a mom come first for you? Do you think it should? Do you think it's possible to prioritize your self and/or marriage/partnership ahead of parenting and still do right by your kid(s)? Do you think it might be necessary? Is it possible not to order our roles and still find balance?

I'm obviously no expert. But I hear so many mothers talking about being a mom first (fewer dads are similarly moved; there is some discussion of that in the comments on Karen's post)... and I'm just quietly taking notes over here. Just in case I ever need them.

What do you think?

Mir

[Image source: Coaching Key to ADD]

BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.