BlogHer - Let My Child Out of the House Overnight? Are you INSANE? - Comments

Making it work is what it's all about :)

ShoreBookworm — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:06:34 -0500

Maybe I sound too adamant because I am still cranky about being woken up. lol I should have offered a disclaimer.

You make a great point. Like everything else in parenting, nothing can be one-size-fits-all. Every family is unique, every child is unique. Things even can change from day to day, with our little darlings being fine with something on Saturday and having a melt down in the same situation the following Friday.

I guess the best advice is be flexible, be ready for anything and trust your instincts. :)

Marie

www.nourishourselves.blogspot.com

www.theshorebookworm.blogspot.com

My nine-year-old just had her first one -- friend came here

MarcomMom — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:08:26 -0500

We live in L.A. and while our daughter attends a neighborhood school and has lots of friends who live close by, I never felt she was truly ready to sleep away from us and I never felt I knew her friends' parents THAT well. (Plus, I knew she liked the IDEA of sleepovers more than the reality that she'd be sleeping away from us.) But we let her have a sweet friend over for her first overnight just about a month ago. I blogged about the morning after -- suffice it to say the friend needed a LOT less sleep than my daughter did. We had them sleep on the pull-out bed in the living room and watch a couple of pre-approved movies--that is, once we got them off the Wii. It went fine. We'll see how soon she really wants to be the one who sleeps away. She gave us major push-back on going away alone to church camp for a week, so she's not that independent--yet.

http://marcommom.blogspot.com/2009/05/mornin-after-sleepover.html

Sleepovers

Mom on the Run — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:40:51 -0500

Mom on the Run

My oldest was 8. All she wanted for her 8th birthday was a sleepover. I reluctantly relented and let her have one, She inivted 5 friends. One never RSVP'd until the day after the party. One was not ready for a sleepover. Three came. Only one of the three had been to a sleepover before.

The kids arrived, played, ate, watched a movie, and then things got interesting. I had all of them get ready for bed. My younger children headed to bed upstairs. I turned off the lights and all hell broke loose. Screaming, laughing, high jinx. I gave them a friendly reminder and they were quiet until the noise started up again. I had to sit in the hallway with the lights out telling kids to be quiet. It was exhausting. I sat there for an hour.

Sleepovers from 8 through 10/11 were about the same. Loud, nosiy, exhausting. We did about 2 per year per child so it was doable. I was always ready for moms to pick up at 10 a.m.

I'll disagree...

nelle2nelle — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 21:57:30 -0500

the child I mentioned had, by that time, slept at our home many, many times, going back a couple of years. That was a unique circumstance, a product of her recent accident.

Our daughters, particularly our youngest, started sleepovers when she was in kindegarten; we were particularly close with one family, their son and our daughter lived at each other's homes. Heck, I could walk in their home and find my dog calmly lounging around there, enjoying the children's company.

Once in school, given this was a suburban location, sleepovers worked for them in getting together. The issues were rare; I recall one drama-filled night at a later age, but overall, the kids were great.

I certainly have no regrets over allowing her to sleep over or have friends at our home. We made it work for her.

llhaesa

A good rule of thumb

ShoreBookworm — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 21:40:24 -0500

Several of you have mentioned middle of the night homesick crises where a child needs to go home. I think that is an excellent deciding factor in whether a child is ready or not. If there is any possibility of a middle of the night phone call, the child is not ready, pure and simple.

It only happened to us once, but that was one too many times. The girls were 13, so it never even occurred to me as a possibility. This child's parents had told her if she needed to, to call them and they would come and get her. Problem is they didn't tell me. Maybe because they knew I would never have allowed her to stay.

It ended up waking all of us up, not just me and the child involved. I thought it was an incredibly inconsiderate thing to do. The rest of the children, and I, were up for the rest of the night.

If a child has that much apprehension, they should not be staying over.

Marie

www.nourishourselves.blogspot.com

www.theshorebookworm.blogspot.com

Why can't everyone just sleep in their own house?

NYCMom — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 19:50:21 -0500

The sleepover. I just don't understand the appeal. Oh, I get that they get to play and have fun and watch a movie. But why don't they want to go home, to the comfort of their beds afterwards? I know that I want them to!

My daughter started sleepovers at 8 and every time she goes on one, it's even odds if we'll get called to pick her up. My son strarted them at 5, and he never looked back. He always had a great time and I never got the call to get him.

I think you'll know when it's time. The problem is that she may be ready years before you are.

good luck!

Marinka

http://www.MotherhoodinNYC.com

http://www.MouthyHousewives.com

http://www.SecretSpinelessWhine.com

I'm glad it wasn't till he was 7...

Karen-MEG — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:05:36 -0500

that he approached me about sleeping over at a friend's. And we'd known the family since he was in kindergarten, so it was easy for us, and for him (they're also almost back door neighbours, so physically if he had to he could have hopped the fence ;)

He went on about 3 sleepovers last year, and loved every one. This year he's been on two, (one which he negotiated so he wouldn't need a babysitter... crafty kid!) and hosted his best friend here for one. It was fine. I don't think I could handle more than a couple boys at a time, though. And he just turned 9, so he's a little older.

Although much younger than I was for my first sleepover...I didn't go on one until I was about 10... and we watched CARRIE!!! Tame compared to nowadays, but crazy for back then!

So with the girlie wanting to do everything her brother does, I expect she'll be asking at about 5 as well... oy.

K-MEG

Ugh

MoreThanMommy — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:32:48 -0500

I don't think I'd be all that bothered by sleepovers except that my son has food allergies. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that process.

I loved having sleepovers at our house but hated sleeping at other people's houses. I'm still like that!

Sleepovers...

nelle2nelle — Thu, 28 May 2009 16:20:07 -0500

it has been a while, what with daughters 25 and 17, but I've been through my share of sleepovers, at our home, with them at another home.

Our youngun is diabetic, and that created a whole other issue, but...we wished our daughter to have a normal life and not be encumbered by the disease. Parents were great, we would coach them on what to take care with, while one of us would scoot over to see to injections, depending on which one was due.

Parents oversaw testing of glucose levels, and knew the parameters of when she needed to eat, when she needed to check.

The first time certainly left us apprehensive, but it worked over time, and K was a sleepover animal, one was a virtual certainty each weekend we were home.

I would guess I'm a veteran of literally hundreds of sleepovers. Careful is good, all parents need to be attentive and involved.

The most memorable sleepover experience actually involved another child. Two weeks before she had been knocked unconscious, falling after refusing my daughter's offer of a bicycle helmet. Fortunately she was only hospitalised a day, and when we went away two weekends later, we brought her with us. We were almost two hours away.

Around midnight, she woke up crying, wanting her mom. Sorry, but I will not let a child be so distressed, and so I drove her home, calling her parents when I was about 20 minutes away, advising them of our imminent arrival.

llhaesa

Sleepovers scare me!

AmberS — Wed, 27 May 2009 00:45:25 -0500

I was a Brownie leader back in my child-free days, so I have supervised a couple of dozen 7 and 8 year olds at sleepovers and camps. And the idea leaves me cold. They're a royal pain, no one sleeps, and there are the occasional failed attempts that end up in a parent showing up at 3am to pick up a sobbing child. I am so not ready to deal with this with my own kids. Luckily, my oldest is only 4, so I think we have a few more years.

Occasionally she does go for sleepovers at her grandparents, but I get twitchy after 24 hours or so. She? Is totally fine with it.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

The Half-Sleepover

Headless Mom — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:30:09 -0500

worked for us with our older son. Once here and once at his friend's house and then they were ready. It let them get used to the family and the rules before 'going all the way'. I don't even think I'll have to use it for my younger son, as he keeps asking to spend the night elsewhere already. I keep telling him he has to be invited first!

Planning a sleepover

Southerngirl — Tue, 26 May 2009 14:45:04 -0500

I am planning a princess pampering sleepover for my 6 year old. Never considered this!! Add it to the list of my 101 things to think about. I was more worried about moms not wanting the girls to get pedicures/manicures and the logistics of sharing my lone footbath. Never mind the sreeching that little girls LOVE to do when they are excited. Just found out one of her favorite friends is GW and does not celebrate birthdays. Did I mention I am doing this on a budget and have friends lined up to do nails, but if they back out I am in NO WAY girly enough to even consider doing the "pampering" myself. The insanity of it all.

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

It's what you're in it for

ShoreBookworm — Mon, 25 May 2009 22:49:02 -0500

Sleepovers, whether you host them or you are the guest, are a royal pain in the backside. They involve constant, rotating anxiety and stess. But it goes with the territory.

My oldest had his first sleepover for his 8th birthday. My first shock came at the number of parents who just dropped their little boys off at the curb and pulled away. They had never even met us!!

We had planned pizza, a movie, then home for some stories and then bed. Even in the days before video games this was considered hopeleslessly lame. And these kids made sure I knew it!

After I finally got them settled, I fell into a coma. The phone woke me. But it was my Ryan's voice on the line. Utterly confused I sat up "Where are you?!?!" "In the famiy room." lol He and I had answered a wrong number at the same time and were now talking to each other. But this also meant he was up. I rushed down to the family room to find him and the requisite Troublemaker watching TV. Ok, pretty harmless you say.

Except it was 3 o'clock in the morning and what they were watching was Last Tango in Paris!!!!

All this and he was only the first of four! I was in for many more ordeals. lol But you know what? This is what we do as Moms. We do the parties, we deal with the wackiness, we make memories, we bring them to other parties. This is partly a deveopmental step. And it is partly how we show our love for them.

Marie

Nourish

The Shore Bookworm

When they're ready, you just know

Vered — Mon, 25 May 2009 21:51:04 -0500

Just like many other milestones, when they're ready, you just know. For us it was around second grade. At that age, both of my daughters were ready and have enjoyed their first sleepover, and subsequent sleepovers, very much.

----

Need to hire a blogger? I’m a mommy blogger and a blogger for hire.

I never liked staying at my

mysailorsmistress — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:51:42 -0500

I never liked staying at my friends houses... NEVER...

I would have all the sleep overs in the world but I never wanted to go to them.

I am SO hoping that my kids will be that way with me. My mom was fun, she gave us space and as I got older it was cool and okay to have friends come over.

I guess I have just hoped that my daughter would be the same way!!! She is VERY out going so I might have another thing coming!!!!

Jennifer

www.mysailorsmistress.net

Let My Child Out of the House Overnight? Are you INSANE?

Rita Arens — Mon, 25 May 2009 18:34:57 -0500

My girl is five, and I can feel her desire for sleepovers brewing. And I admit it: I'm terrified. It's not that I don't trust other parents; I currently vet the parents of every one of my daughter's close friends, and most who would invite my child into their homes are trustworthy and competent souls. It's her I'm worried about. Oh, and me.

I'm worried she'll be scared, that she'll be there in the dark and the tears will start flowing down her perfect cheeks the way they do when she gets her bangs cut. She doesn't say anything during those moments when feeling threatened by strangers, she just reaches out from under the enormous black robe for my hand. And I am always there to offer it. Or the way she suddenly burst into tears in the middle of ballet class for no apparent reason, telling the teacher she really wanted her mommy. And I was there.

I'm not sure I'm ready for her to cry for me and for me not to be there.

It's different than my anxiety about school, which is under control. She's been in daycare her entire life, and she's made peace with daytime separations. Night, though ... nights are different. The only time we've been separated at night my mom has been there, a reliable stand-in and Grade A Comforter. I don't know if I'm ready to subject her to the separation or another parent friend to comforting her at 2 a.m. I'm also not sure I would really sleep knowing the phone call might come to drag myself out of bed and fetch my little girl home.

I also fear the morning after, as Chefdruck wrote about:

The outburst was monumental. There was foot stomping, shouting, crying, sobbing, doors slammed, and then silence. That's when I went up to put my exhausted little girl back together. She crawled onto my lap and cried softly for a while before telling me that she had missed us so much and that inflatable mattresses were terribly uncomfortable. Then she put her hand in mine and we walked downstairs to have a little lunch, both of us feeling better now that the storm was behind us.

But maybe I should encourage her to spend the night at her friends' houses, because the alternative is that they would come here, to my sanctuary, and drive me quickly and permanently insane. Like Christine at The Bean Blog:

After this weekend I’ve decided I’d rather rip off all my toenails while the dentist performs root canal without Novocain and somebody else pokes me in the eye with a rusty fork then have another sleepover at my house.

Looking deeper into the blogosphere, though, I was reminded that there are no cut-and-dry rules about spending the night at a friend's house. Maybe we'll dip a toe with a half-sleepover, involving laughter, pajamas, eating too much sugar, and then ... coming home, like Hillary's daughter, Strat, from Five Winds Family:

It makes me really happy when our kids check out their options. They haven't bought into the idea that the whole world is made up of rules that need to be followed "or else". They don't cringe at making themselves an exception to how things are usually done ... not unless it would really interfere with someone else. And it makes me happy when they do consider that, too, in a realistic way, instead of thinking that any departure from the norm is going to hurt something. I hope that isn't something they grow out of.

When did your kids have their first sleepovers? What's your plan?