BlogHer - "Blame the Woman" Remains the World's Motto Regarding Rape - Comments

Thanks.

Karla — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 19:56:13 -0500

I was also in college in 1994, at a small liberal arts college that claimed to be progressive. However, I don't recall a single "date rape" workshop--for either sex. Two years later, when I was studying abroad, two lacrosse players raped two women. The hue and cry over expelling the boys was such that I think they were allowed to stay in school.

College women, at least ten years ago, at my school, received the most confusing messages. On the one hand, we were peaceful, nurturing warrior goddesses whose strength and superiority lay in our gentleness. Yet we were also supposed to know how to protect ourselves from the, ah, "male ardor." Huh? How's that supposed to work?

Oh, yes--while they did a piss-poor job of protecting us from date rape, the administration took a hard line against so-called "hate speech" (as long as it wasn't real hate speech, because then they might run the risk of actually having to do something), and they certainly didn't seem to mind bothering me and my friends when they thought we were up to something suspicious, like smoking cigarettes and setting off the alarm.

Karla Keffer
http//kitschentable.blogspot.com

Great post.

cooper — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:02:17 -0500

Great post.

Looking around the web over the last year and after posting about some comments I saw at "Real Clear Politics" regarding the Duke Lacrosse rape case last March, and getting a lot of hate mail, then looking around at what was out there I was astounded to find that the attitude of " blame the victim" was so prevalent.

The most disheartening thing was that it was not just among males that this attitude prevailed.

It was startling to me that women my age- college women - often had the same attitude.

There is a deep rooted problem here that needs to be addressed big time. The problem is that too many people, both men and women, see this as a problem that would not occur if women would just be careful and act properly.

This makes it very difficult to address and solve the real societal issue that this all stems from.

cooper

Thank heavens

successfulmom — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 08:51:30 -0500

Because that post has been haunting me all weekend.
Missy

Jula, please, please -- if

maryrwise — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:03:02 -0500

Jula, please, please -- if you haven't already, get counseling. NO ONE "deserves" rape.

The Blog: Red Nose
The Book: Girl Clown

Comment deleted

jula_jane — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 07:43:50 -0500

Editor's note:

I've deleted this comment and blocked this user, a man has been using this woman's image to make demeaning comments about her throughout BlogHer.

Lisa Stone

Grrr...

Liz Rizzo — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 01:08:45 -0500

Where do these people get these rulebooks??? I mean, seriously, why on earth would a 34 year wife and mother not be out clubbing on occasion??? Is she supposed to stay locked in the house every minute and not go to "unapproved" places, and who gets to say what places are "suitable" and "unsuitable"?

Great post, Suzanne!

Liz Rizzo

Everyday Goddess

SexySmart Blog

Thank You

Absurda — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 22:55:14 -0500

Thank you for a wonderful post. I too remember those workshops in highschool and college teaching us how to be "smart" when out at night and to protect ourselves from assualt. My high school even went so far as spending 3 weeks of girls PE teaching us self-defense. But following along with EG's comment quoted above, I don't remember hearing anything about anyone holding a workshop to teach the guys how NOT to be rapists.

All those workshops and classes were really useful and full of good information that every young woman should have, so we need to keep those workshops going. But, we also need to stop sending the message that the only way a woman can truly be safe from sexual assualt is if she triple locks her doors, bars her windows, shuns all contact with or attention from men and hides under her bed with a baseball bat. We must also teach the men that just because a woman prefers not to make herself a prisoner in her own home that does NOT make her fair game. Let's start placing the burden of controlling men's sexual urges where it really belongs: ON THE MEN!

We still have a lot of work to do

Valbee — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 17:14:30 -0500

A recent article in one of our local weeklies told the story of a woman who met a friend for a couple of drinks late last year, and was slipped a date rape drug. The twist in this story is that they're pretty sure the bartender was the one who spiked her drink, most likely paid to by the guy who ended up abducting her.

That's shocking in itself, but when this story was discussed in an online forum, one of the first comments made by a woman was along the lines of, "What is a 34-year old wife and mother doing out clubbing?"

How are we supposed to change this attitude when members of our own gender are still blaming the victim?

I Think About

Oh Oh

JennaHatfield — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:15:01 -0500

Cover ups can and do happen over here. Just dig around a college campus a little bit. Even if a female student reports an "alleged" (to quote the administration) rape, MANY a college will bend over backwards to keep it from the police. Some even take it as far as making the female feel unwelcome at the college. It's awful. It's hideous. God forbid a college release their REAL safety numbers so that women know BEFORE they move away to a college that is SUPPOSEDLY safe... that it is, in fact, a haven for sexual predators disguised as students. Because THEN they might have to answer to people: the media, the people who give money every year, educational boards, etc. Because THEN they might lose enrollment numbers. And THEN their pockets will be less full.

Gah. I get riled up on this one. Gah. :(

Family Living; Hatfield Style
Jenna

As a survivor of gang rape

maryrwise — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:11:14 -0500

As a survivor of gang rape myself, I can relate to this only too well. Even though my rape was a so-called "good rape" -- meaning I was kidnapped at gunpoint by strangers of another race who had previously kidnapped and raped three other victims, so there was no question that rape occurred -- I still had to answer questions during trial like: "What were you wearing? (Jean, turtleneck, parka, boots) Why were you out at midnight on a weeknight? (Went to the movies with a friend) Was the marijuana yours? (No. I lied.)"

And this was in the 70s. If anything, we have moved backward, rather than forward.

You can be sure that I taught my son the difference between consensual sex and rape. Oh hell yes.

Chick Lit Meets the Circus: Girl Clown

A fine line

mia3mom — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 12:48:20 -0500

There's a fine line between protecting yourself (Meg Cabot has a great post on that), and blaming the victim. Where do you draw the line?

It boggles my mind that there are still people and societies where blaming the victim is acceptable. Thank you for the wake-up call.

Rachel
A Gaggle of Girls
Rachel's Recipe Box

"Blame the Woman" Remains the World's Motto Regarding Rape

Suzanne Reisman — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 11:24:47 -0500

During orientation week my freshman year of college, I attended one of those well-intentioned-but-usually-cheesy workshops on â€œcollege life.â€? I donâ€™t remember how the topic surfaced, but date rape was an issue that the group discussed. One woman from Tennessee said, â€œThereâ€™s no such thing as date rape. If you turn on a stove, you are going to get burned.â€? My mouth must have dropped to the floor. I was not exactly raised in a cave of feminist isolation, but I could not believe that a woman would make such an outrageous statement in that day and age (i.e. -1994) in the good old US of A. â€œUh, excuse me,â€? I interjected. â€œBut I do believe that you can turn off the stove once the water starts boiling. The pot does not have to boil over.â€?

It often feels like we will never overcome the ridiculous and horrible world-wide, time-honored tradition of blaming women who are raped for what happened. Lately, there has been a lot of focus on rape and sexual assault in non-Western countries. Two examples are Cameroon and Pakistan.

In April, Jessica at Feministing was among the many women bloggers who covered the horrible revelation that mothers (and other trusted adults) are â€œironingâ€? girlsâ€™ breasts

to try and make them â€œdisappear.â€?â€¦Statistics show that 26% of Cameroonian girls at puberty undergo it, as many mothers believe it protects their daughters from the sexual advances of boys and men who think children are ripe for sex once their breasts begin to grow. .. Is this really what women have to do to protect themselves from sexual assault?

In response to the post, a comment from EG noted:

Not that this is a new observation to anyone here, but I feel the need to note how once again girls are made responsible for male sexual action. And yet you never read of any damn people "ironing," or beating the crap out of their teenage sons' penises or anything like that in order to keep them "pure," or to keep them from making sexual advances.

Throughout the past year, many bloggers have been writing about Mukhtar Mai, a woman in Pakistan who was sentenced by a village tribunal to be publicly gang-raped as punishment for her brotherâ€™s â€œoffensiveâ€? actions. (He was seen in public with a girl.) Mai was supposed to commit suicide, as this is the â€œproperâ€? response from any woman who has been ruined and defiled by rape. She refused to do so, and her family stood by her. Eventually, her rapists were sentenced to death (recently reversed) and she won a monetary judgment in court that she used to open a school for girls. In the past year, she has continued to receive death threats not only from local thugs, but also from the Musharraf administration because she will not be quiet about her ordeal, which the government prefers to cover up.

Under the existing Hudood law in Pakistan, women who are raped must produce four witnesses, otherwise they are convicted as adulterers. (And as EG noted, nothing happens to the men involved.) In 2002, Zafran Bibi was sentenced by a court in her native Northwest Frontier Province to death by stoning. Despite Bibi's repeated charges that her brother-in-law had raped her on multiple occasions, the presiding judge convicted her of zina (adultery). Due to international pressure, the sentence was overturned, but as Feminist News reported:

After her release from jail, life in the village was uncomfortable under the watchful eyes of Zafran's in-laws. Nobody wanted to give the couple work as day laborers, nobody wanted to help them with a place to live and tongues wagged with incessant cruelty.

However, some progress is afoot. While this does not quite address the same situation that Mai was forced to ensure, change regarding rape persecution is on the brink of passing. According to The Vagina Warrior (a newer must-read blog on womenâ€™s sexual and reproductive rights):

The Pakistani parliament will consider and likely approve a bill that would ease overly strict restrictions applied under Islamic law that make it nearly impossible to prove a woman has been raped. Under the Hadood Ordinance, developed by the former dictator Gen. Mohammad Zia-ul-Haq in 1979, rape victims are convicted of adultery unless they have four male witnesses, which human rights groups say makes a rape conviction impossibleâ€¦

The amendment, if passed, will erase that onerous requirement and require instead that anyone who accuses a woman of adultery produce four witnesses. In addition, forced marriage and kidnapping, as well as trafficking women for prostitution, will be more thoroughly addressed. Those convicted of gang-rape will be sentenced to death and it will be a crime to publish the address of a rape victim, reports Reutersâ€¦

Mahnaz Rafi, chairwoman of the Pakistani Parliamentâ€™s special committee for women's development, said, â€œThis will be a historic change and it will end decades of miseries for women,â€? reports the Associated Press. Naeem Mizra, director of the non-profit Aurat Foundation, added, â€œThe amendments proposed by the government shatter a myth held for 27 years that Hudood laws are divine laws,â€? according to Reuters.

While Western media usually does not cover rape in the US and Europe the same way it does in other nations (there is a smug attitude that we are more "civilized"), is not to say that women do not continue to be blamed for being raped. Miss Martini wrote about the 8th Annual Denim Day in LA,

inspired by a 1997 rape case in Rome, Italy, in which a 17-year-old girl was raped by her 56-year-old driving instructor. He was convicted of the crime. However, upon appeal all the way to the Italian Supreme Court, the case against the perpetrator was overturned and dismissed, and he was released. In a statement released by the Head Judge, he argued, â€œbecause the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove themâ€¦and by removing the jeansâ€¦ it was no longer rape but consensual sex.â€? The Women in the Italian Parliament were enraged by the verdict, launched into immediate action and protested by wearing JEANS to work.

Just this past week in London, a potential rapist was ordered to write the woman a letter of apology. Sploidâ€™s take on this:

In closing, the judge blamed the victim. "I don't suppose it occurred to any of these four people that there was anything dangerous in going back to the hotel room. There is no suggestion that he lured them back with any dishonourable intentions. All four were affected by alcohol. It is unfortunate that having had their food, the women did not go home."

On a related note, Laura at the cheekily-titled Iâ€™m Not a Feminist, But wrote about a new magazine called â€œSafeâ€? that Suffolk police are printing. She sent them a letter outlining her concerns:

According to the information on your website, Chief Superintendent McDonnell claims that the magazine will help to reduce sexual assualts and domestic violence by encouraging young women to drink less. I, and many other women, interpret this as yet another example of the police placing the onus upon women to stop ourselves being raped or abused, rather than targetting the men who rape or abuse us.

This attitude contributes to the widely held belief that women are wholly or in part to blame for being raped if we are drunk. This is simply not true; no one is to blame for a rape but the man - and, yes, 98% of rapists are men - who chooses to rape. It would seem more logical therefore, to produce a magazine aimed at young men encouraging them to drink less and to behave 'responsibly' in order to avoid them committing offenses such as sexual assualt and domestic violence.

Only by speaking out and working hard to change attitudes will women around the world have justice. Although I wrote a semi-long post here, it nowhere near comprehensively addresses the issue of rape. Hundreds, if not thousands, of women bloggers are doing their part. As Mukhtar Mai said, "One person alone cannot do this. I am only able to stand up if the whole world is behind me. The little hope that Iâ€™ve got for justice is because of the support Iâ€™m getting from the rest of the world."

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants