BlogHer - A Letter to my 19-Year-Old Self - Comments

You go girl!

LP Skater — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:11:40 -0500

Sweet idea- telling yourself what you had wished that you knew then. Although I agree that you are shaped by your experiences, good bad and otherwise, as well.

Great post! Really made me think.......

Lake Placid Skater

www.lakeplacidskater.blogspot.com

Sk8 On!

You know what's sort of

chase9 — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 01:25:33 -0500

You know what's sort of interesting? I just turned 19 twelve days ago, and your blog here made me think.

If I could write a letter from 20 years in the future to my current teenaged self, I'm not sure if I would. While it's true that this foresight would steer me round the thornbrush into safer, more hallowed ground, I don't think I would do it. Suffering and falling and failing are what makes a person, especially the youth I am now trying to find my way in a cold, lonely adult world.

Letter to me at 19

Creatively Belle — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 22:14:13 -0500

I love this idea and it is bringing up so many jangling emotions. Reading what we all have to say there's this theme of shaky legs of a young filly getting into life and by our 30's we're all blooming into our potential. Lovely.

Dear Belinda,

Do that double degree with Journalism AND business. You have a natural business head and you'll love creating your own business. Being able to write, communicate and observe will be one of the richest gifts to yourself.

Get out and travel more. Get overseas, work in London for a year, travel Europe, go to Canada and get back to the USA.

You'll earn good money early so don't listen to the older white men that make jokes about it - they don't know what they are on about and are probably jealous so ignore them. Go learn about managing money, talking to other successful women for this advice is your best bet - save like mad to get overseas and explore. Don't loose years contracting/consulting in city offices, it's good money and lifestyle but years go by too quickly.

Work on your relationship with your sister because she gets breast cancer and you loose her after really hard years and you miss out on a mature relationship with her. She sees your true colours and you do all you can for her. You are so much stronger than you think. Resilience and flexibility are the keys to strength - not stubbornness.

As for men stop being one of the boys and grow into your womanhood and femininity - it is a wonderful place to be. A man can't take your independence, your independence is your choice, no one elses.

Don't fear being hurt, live with an open mind and heart. People being cruel to others are limiting their own lives, you don't have to be part of that.

Get physical - you'll love it - walking at Cradle Mountain, sea kyaking with penguins, swimming with dolphins, hot air ballooning, sailing on Sydney Harbour, horse riding through old forests - all of it makes your heart sing. Do it.

You are a beautiful, healthy, strong and capable woman, you're so blessed. Live life fully, openly and laugh lots!

With love and Smiles,
Belinda

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was my sister's illness that had me looking round my life and thinking there must be more. Now I have my jewelry business and love - so much better than IT! :)

I think this forum topic is great, well done for starting it. :)

All the best!
Belinda

Come see my work - Jewelry Sale Up to 40% Off

I would say to myself and to

Lisa Okuhn — Mon, 28 Aug 2006 21:08:56 -0500

I would say to myself and to anyone else who will listen: 1) You know the guy you're listening to so carefully now, the one who's supposed to be telling you that you're really great and describing exactly how? He may mean well, but he doesn't know. Only you do. And if you don't like it, no one but you can change it. 2) Read more Jane Austen. She will never steer you wrong. Please believe me. 3) Don't get married unless you think it's cute when he burps. It's going to sound worse in 15 years. 4) Whatever mistakes you make, don't stop gathering in your grateful arms all the lovely pleasures there are to be found along the way.

Lisa from That's Empress to You

Dear 6-year-old

arubagirl — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 19:30:08 -0500

Dear 6-year-old arubagirl:

Don't worry that other kids find it odd that you like to read. Books will be the greatest gift you have for a long long time.

Love,

Your 26-year-old self

PS: Yes, Barbies are boring.

"Dear Me..."

Caffeinated Librarian — Sun, 20 Aug 2006 20:09:59 -0500

"Dear Me at 19,

I know you're all absorbed in college right now, loving your last year of dorm life, but pay attention: your dad is going to die in a year. Spend all the time with him that you can and ask all the questions you ever wanted to know: how he felt growing up, what it was like being in the military, when he knew he wanted to marry your mom, and what advice he has for you on everything from car repair to dating. I know, he can sometime be a little distant and he really hates to talk about that sort of stuff, but be persistent because your time is running out and you will miss him more than you ever thought possible.

The next couple of years will be rough and you'll spend a lot of time sleep walking through your own life because that feels easier than mourning. But one day one of your friends will find herself in your shoes. Then you'll write her a letter telling her everything you've learned about grief, all the mistakes you've made, and how much you love her. And from that moment everything will start getting better.

It'll all be worth it in the end because you're going to have a really good life by the time you hit 30. Trust me and hang in there."

The Caffeinated Librarian [Blogger]

The Caffeinated Librarian [MSN]

Agreed: Flawed Perception of Self

see.jane — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 08:57:28 -0500

Absurda - I have to agree. My perception of myself was flawed. I'm the same person, but so different once I allowed myself to really be seen. At this point, I'm so happy as to where I am in life. I don't have regrets; but if I had known then what I know now, life definitely would have been different. I wonder, but I don't regret.

Dear 19 Year Old Jane -

5 Simple Rules:

Love yourself and allow yourself to be seen. Let people see why you are special. Don't make people dig for that, it will only bury you more! (and it's a lot of work for them too)
Give Mom and Dad some credit. They know a lot. Sure they didn't grow up in the 80s and 90s, but they aren't ignorant either.
Don't get a head of yourself by always worrying about what comes next and certainly not what others expect. Enjoy the moment.
People always say that you need to truly love yourself before you will meet the right man. I know you've heard this. Now believe it!! It's true!! When you meet the right guy, that love for yourself will just flourish.
Finally, just so you know, the guys you like now, like you just as much. So open your eyes. Seriously, they'll tell you later when they have a girlfriend!

Now I'm off to follow some of my own advice! Some #3 and #1 would be good for me right now. (Sometimes it's good to re-hash the past!)

Always yours, 32 Year Old Jane

- Jane M. Says

Mistress Of The Dorkness — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 23:43:04 -0500

"""I, too, graduated with no debt (but back in the early '70s a quarter of state college cost $129. Still I could work part time/fulltime and pay for it all) and Dean's List all the way.

And I, too, was the first college graduate in my family in the US. AND first with a Masters."""

yes, and min wage was lower, too. ;) I worked a full time job, a part time job, and had two companies that used me as a call-in. College was the FIRST time I ever made it to the dean's list (never did well in school, but, hand's-on classes with adults were more my style).

Congrats to you. and... :shock: a master's! That's awesome!

I hope to get my bachelor's one day. I've got an associates. 6 classes away from my 2nd assoc, but, I finished the first one 2 months before my son was born. haven't had a chance to go back yet. (first assoc in design technology, taken concurrently with unfinished associates in engineering).

So. Well... considering all of those partiers. I think we're doing pretty well. ;)

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
http://mistressofthedorkness.blogspot.com

Hey, Melanie...

debra roby — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 22:03:03 -0500

I, too, graduated with no debt (but back in the early '70s a quarter of state college cost $129. Still I could work part time/fulltime and pay for it all) and Dean's List all the way.

And I, too, was the first college graduate in my family in the US. AND first with a Masters.
Debra
A Stitch In Time
Deb's Daily Distractions

absurda... me, too

Mistress Of The Dorkness — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 20:59:19 -0500

""You will meet a man like this; his name will be Chris, heâ€™ll live in London. After more than a year of e-mailing back and forth and a few visits you will care very much for him, and him for you. Heâ€™ll ask for more intimacy, more commitment. Give it to him. Yes, itâ€™s a risk. Yes, you could be hurt and yes, you are deeply afraid of this. Do it anyway. Please, Please, donâ€™t push him away. Donâ€™t shut down and end communication forever. If you do, youâ€™ll know what real regret is: Throwing away something really good because youâ€™re too afraid to take the risk and hurting someone you love in the process.""
hey, that sounds just like me and hubby... only his name is mike. ;) funny how the measly 4000 miles doesn't matter when it comes to love.

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
http://mistressofthedorkness.blogspot.com

For my 19 year old self who didn't believe in regret

Absurda — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 20:46:30 -0500

If I could leave a note for my younger self I would say:

â€œYour perception of yourself is flawed. You are a beautiful, capable, intelligent and likeable person with a wonderful sense of humor. You are worthy of being loved and deserve it. It is possible for a man to love you as you are; to genuinely laugh at your jokes; to want to spend time with you just enjoy to enjoy your company without any ulterior motives. Itâ€™s possible that when a man says youâ€™re beautiful he means it. That heâ€™d rather cut off his own feet than trample on your heart. That when he tells you how wonderful he thinks you are heâ€™s not saying it to get something from you, heâ€™s saying it because he sees something you donâ€™t.

You will meet a man like this; his name will be Chris, heâ€™ll live in London. After more than a year of e-mailing back and forth and a few visits you will care very much for him, and him for you. Heâ€™ll ask for more intimacy, more commitment. Give it to him. Yes, itâ€™s a risk. Yes, you could be hurt and yes, you are deeply afraid of this. Do it anyway. Please, Please, donâ€™t push him away. Donâ€™t shut down and end communication forever. If you do, youâ€™ll know what real regret is: Throwing away something really good because youâ€™re too afraid to take the risk and hurting someone you love in the process.

Oh, and stay away from Ebay. Itâ€™s just bad for you.â€?

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

i'm with deb

Mistress Of The Dorkness — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 20:17:47 -0500

my only regrets about 19-20 were that I spent so much time working/school that I didn't really do the partying thing. I'm sure I didn't miss much. But, when I was 22 I got pregnant (a little too soon in the relationship, that is a regret, but, not much of one since we have our wonderful son), and once the guy started cheating on me, he used the excuse that he felt trapped into maturity and that he was missing out on his previous carefree lifestyle. must be nice, because I never had one of those.

On the upside, of course is that I graduated college without ANY debt (so I went a few semesters without books, but, I worked hard to make up for it), first one in my family to graduate, I might add. My big sister is finally returning to school at age 29. ;) i'm sure she'd have more than a few words for her 19-yr-old self.

It wasn't perfect, but, thinking back, I am glad that I don't have many regrets (maybe I could have been more outgoing, but, I've slipped into that gradually over the years at a comfortable pace).

cheers! here's to us ladies, for turning out so great. ;)

Melanie Perry
***not all who wander are lost***
http://mistressofthedorkness.blogspot.com

Oh yeah...that is so true.

Moogie — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 18:23:08 -0500

Oh yeah...that is so true. I look back on it now and see how cool my parents really were. I just wish I would have appreciated it back then. I had to pay for my own insurance for my car, I had to buy my first car. All of that...and it did teach me alot. And the thing is? No matter what I do? My folks have always been there for me. They have been married for 56 years now. A good example of give and take if I've ever saw one.

See more over at Moogie's World

Your parents are more amazing than you think

Jocelyn — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:51:07 -0500

My 19 and 20-year old self had no clue how perfect my parents were. I think I'd tell myself that it doesn't matter that you weren't the richest kid in school, that you have loans galore. The personal strength and experience you gain from putting yourself through college will take you farther than you can imagine now.

And the loving parents who never divorced and only showed support and encouragement will be your lifelong friends. They're the good kind of geeks. You'll see. They don't have to put you through college to be cool. You'll play guitar with your dad and learn about art history and painting techniques from your mom.

So hug them more often. They deserve it! And time is on your side.

Group Trip Advisor

Good Enough

smartl — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:20:43 -0500

"You are good enough."

If I could talk to myself back then, I would tell myself that I didn't need a guy to validate my existence. I would tell myself that my own desires are just as important as anyone else's. I would tell myself to push outside of my comfort zone and go to parties where I knew nobody and interact with people, because where there is emotional risk, there are great rewards.

I would tell myself that I was good enough just as I was, and that there was no need to seek everyone else's approval. I only needed my own acceptance of myself. And I hope that I would have listened back then, because I could have saved myself five or six years of feeling unworthy.

A Letter to my 19-Year-Old Self

Karen Walrond — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 11:39:23 -0500

Yesterday afternoon, I was flipping through the pages of the September issue of ELLE Magazine, the one with 19-year-old starlet Lindsay Lohan on the cover. I don't know much about Lohan, having never seen any of her work; however, the article, in my opinion, wasn't a very flattering one, painting her as inconsiderate, a consummate partygoer, an attention-hound and prone to general bad behaviour. Tsk, tsk, I thought to myself. She's going to regret her actions when she's older. She should know better. I certainly knew better.

Well, on second thought, maybe I didn't. I mean, while I was never the party girl Lindsay Lohan appears to be, I suppose there are a few things I did when I was 19 (and even older) that didn't show the best judgment on my part. The truth is, as independent filmmaker Hervey Weinstein said of Lohan in the article, "We were all 20 once, weren't we?"

Indeed. For me, 19 was 20 years ago. Clearly any mistakes or poor decisions I made helped to shape the person I am today -- so, you know, no regrets -- however, wouldn't it be nice if the 39-year-old us could write letters from the future to the 19-year-old us, to help dodge some of those unfortunate mistakes we made? If it were possible, I think my letter would go something like this:

Dear Karen:

Bless your heart. Here you are, in your junior year of university, less than 2 years away from graduating and getting out in the wide world, and you're not even prepared, are you? No matter. The good news is that 20 years from now, you're going to be fine -- better than ever, actually -- but you're going to go through some tough times to get here. I'm writing this letter to you to help you keep an eye out for some of these challenges as you go through your life. You won't listen, of course -- stubborn thing -- but hey, you can't say I never warned you.

First of all, dearie, stop trying to please everybody, trying to be all things to all people. At this point, you've got all the tools it takes to trust your instincts, and your instincts are good ones.

Secondly, what's with all the dieting? Stop that, child, by every definition of the word, YOU ARE THIN. Instead of constantly starving yourself, get out there and get moving! Enthusiastic enjoyment of life will do far more for your body and self-image than denying yourself nourishment will. You're not going to believe this, but one day you're going to be an avid scuba diver. It's true. And you'll love it far more than worrying about being thin.

Sex isn't love. It's going to take you about a decade to figure this out, but try to grasp it now.

Oh, incidentally, one day, about 9 years from now, after your marriage to the guy you're currently seeing ends in divorce (oh, sweetie, yes, it will, I can't believe you don't see that), you're going to meet an attractive man in a coffee shop. He will tell you that he's a former-architect-turned-music-minister for his church, and you will be irresistibly drawn to his artistic sensibilities and proclamations of deep faith. And he will return your attention.

Run for the hills, honey. He's gay.

And finally, though you don't believe me now, everything you dislike about yourself -- the things that make you look differently, and think differently, and react differently than most -- are actually also manifestations of your greatest strengths. Find the power in each of these and harness it for good, rather than evil. You have more potential in you than you can ever imagine -- the trick is to imagine it.

That's it for now, I believe. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll think of more bits of advice to give you. In the meantime, however, enjoy your life -- because, as lives go, you really have one of the good ones.

With love,

Karen

What would you say to your 20-years-younger self?

Contributing Editor Karen Walrond also gets her blog on at Chookooloonks and at her green shopping blog, Emerald Market.