BlogHer - sex - Comments

It doesn't surprise me

clueless newlywed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:45:39 -0600

Ya know...It doesn't surprise me that single people have less sex...Think about it...They have to really work to have sex. My single girl friends have to get dolled up, and hit a bar that has other attractive, single men. (Half the battle right there!) And even if they do find a bar with attractive, single men, they then have to make eye contact and flirt and all that. All married ladies have to do is turn to their partner and say, "Are you in the mood?"

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Great article

themaria — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:45:39 -0600

Hard hitting as always. You bring up an interesting issue that is worth belaboring. The desire to oversex it on Halloween, followed by frowning upon overt displays of sexuality at other times. I love sexy costumes, but I also try to look sexy and fashionable (not trashy!) at all other times during the year.

I was born and raised in Europe, and for the most part, European societies have a healthier relationship with sexuality. There's simply more freedom and education, and as a result (at least from what I've seen), girls aren't in a rush to lose their virginity at 12 years old like they are here (maybe it's just what I've seen at public schools, my view could be skewed). Because sex is much less taboo in other places, it's not seen as out of the ordinary as it is here (shameful, forbidden and exciting at the same time).

Having our teens get the sexual cues from TV, web and magazines, without proper context is dangerous, and results in too much of self esteem wrapped up in "do boys think I'm sexy".

I'm an online community manager, check me out at http://themaria.me. I blog at http://socialsilk.com and http://fashionablymarketing.me

About the Kids

HappyHer — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:46:13 -0600

Hi! I think there are plenty of costume options available beyond sexy ones, although the sexy ones are the trend. They key is to have some imagination. Lastly, it's up to the parents to supervise how their children dress up. For example, my daughter had a short and low cut 60's style mini dress and gogo boots. It was paired with a shirt underneath and leggings. It looked absolutely adorable and was also very modest.

On a side note, the part of history that was left out was that Pagans did dress their kids up. It was the children's jobs to run around as ghosties and ghoulies from house to house to help scare the real ghosties and ghoulies away. The children were thought to be best for this job and they were rewarded for their service by each house offering them treats of some sort. That is how trick or treat got it's start and it's one of the earliest traditions found in regard to Hallow's Eve.

Tracy Morrow Intimacy Specialist http://www.HappyHer.com/Blog

Phooey! Whatever happened to witty costumes?

FeeFiFoto — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:58:34 -0500

One year a friend and I dressed in really preppie clothes and went as the Brooks Brothers. I guess it's just easier to go slutty than try to use your imagination.

Visit my blog: http://blog.FeeFiFoto.com

Something Else Stolen

Bill Cammack — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:41:21 -0500

Halloween has definitely been co-opted by the "Get your 'slut' on" faction. I think more importantly, though, music videos set the tone for that ONE DAY of Halloween. The whole concept of "Music Video Hoes" has made dressing up sexily a goal for little girls, world-wide.

Don't get me wrong, haha I'm a fan of and enjoy the hell out of the genre, but the reality is that in the realm of self-esteem, "I'm sexually attractive to males" is high up on the totem pole these days, even for girls that have zero intentions on hooking up with ANYBODY.

I think the only way around this is to have more female role models in the media that do other stuff than dress up to dance in videos. Sell some female CSI costumes or something. :)

Halloween itself is merely a microcosm for society's current values, similar to how beauty pageants give girls credit for their looks and prompt them to value themselves based on their looks as opposed to anything else they might be bringing to the table.

~ Bill

I blog at billcammack.com

Thankyou So Much!

AbiGrace — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:41:28 -0500

It's so nice to see someone actually delve into the history of Halloween! It's such a missunderstood event and it can be frustrating to see it looked down upon by people who don't get it.

I LOVE Halloween and always have, and I think part of the reason is it is the ultimate opportunity for self expression. It's one of the few times our shaddows can come out and play. True, one doesn't have to reserve self expression to Halloween, and as a performer I have more opportunities then most, but you don't have to censor or tone anything down for halloween the way you would in different circumstances. If someone finds a sexy costume that expresses something inside that they have always been longing to express then by all means, they should go for it. Just because I think my sexuality is better expressed in a Rita Hayworth in Gilda sort of way doesn't mean I'm gonna judge a woman who thinks a super short tinkerbell costume is more her style.

Annoying

Vered — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:27:46 -0500

I can't stand sexualized, inappropriate Halloween costumes for kids, but you're right - women's costumes are not much better (although it still irks me way more to see a "sexy" costume worn by a 6 years old).

My husband and I went to the local Halloween Superstore last weekend, and I almost gave up on a costume for myself and decided to just wear a wig or something - it was all about sexy nurses, sexy cops, sexy sexy sexy.

I eventually managed to find a really cool sixties-inspired costume, flowers and white boots and all. But it took some time and patience.

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thanks for the link

MomFinds — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:58:11 -0500

Thanks for the link to http://www.shefinds.com/2009/halloween-costumes-continue-to-slut-ify-thi... - I'm not really against sexy costumes for adults - I just think it's crazy how they try to make everything sexy.

This is a funny video about it - Sexy Lobster?? http://www.shefinds.com/2009/find-your-perfect-slutty-halloween-costume-...

What is Gay? What is Straight?

goddessdreams — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:58:14 -0500

I think it is a mark of the Western world view that any man who displays behavior associated with femaleness or femininity is gay. As women we tend to echo this sentiment when we list characteristics in men that we want or disdain, i.e. enjoying romance movies, shopping, deeply engaged conversation, and most especially that spiritual connection that is associated with what all women want.

These traits are not inherantly feminine. I try to remember that femininity is a social construct as is masculinity--powerful social constructs to be sure. I try to open my eyes to that fact I can choose to embrace the pieces of the constructs that apply to who I am at my core and let go of what does not make me...me. Men are as entitled to this level of self examination and awareness as women.

I think that many of these culture commentaries in the popular media vehicles like Esquire serve to uphold the heternormative discourse that plagues our ability to be who we are without attaching the expectations of a culture's definition of masculine and feminine.

I also agree that the desire to be known and embraced in totality is at the heart of what drives the so-called "love affair" with vampires.

Don’t mind the destination, don’t mind the end. Learn from the past, but grab hold of now. Now is always evolving. ~Rumi

It's the desire to be fully known as you've said

Nordette — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:50:02 -0500

When vampires drink your blood, in most vampire lore, they then know everything about you--they hold within them your memories, dreams, desires--it goes back to the biblical belief that "life is in the blood," a belief that I'm sure is older than the Bible considering drinking blood or even eating another human's flesh was associated with gaining the person's power and wisdom before the Bible came to be. And so, this desire for intense communion with another, even God, is the driver.

I think women want that spiritual connection with lovers, to know them and to be fully known. Going back to biblical allusions again, to have sex is described as not only becoming one with a person but also with "knowing" the person. (And Adam knew Eve his wife.)

The Esquire guy may be straight, but I don't think that's what's stopping him from getting this. I think he doesn't understand deeper human relations and he may also be so consumed with popular culture that he's ignoring the deeper themes, the archetypes that have remained in human literature since humans started storytelling.

This kind of transcendent love is the stuff of most of our love songs, love poetry, and many of our legends. The belief that "to love and be loved in return" is an enduring need may even be at the crux of our quest for the meaning of life. It is not something confined to the venue of romantic love but seeps into tales of all types of love. Perhaps it manifests so frequently in fictionalized forms because it's hard to come by this transcendent love and nearly unconditional loyalty in the real world.
Just listen to the story told in the song "Nature Boy."

So, I think you're on the mark here, AV, that Esquire man is off his game with the gay angle.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Dangerous and Tortured

Megan Smith — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:44:24 -0500

I'm with Melissa when she says it's about dangerous men, not gay men. I'd also add tortured men. What woman doesn't want to "save" a tortured vampire male whose immortality only increases his opportunities for loss and lonliness?

Give me brooding, dangerous and tortured vampires every time. Yum.

Great post!

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/Online Video

My Personal Entertainment Blog: Megan's Minute

My Review Blog: Meg's Rad Reviews

Twitter:@MeganSmith

Uh, No

MLOKnitting — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:53:53 -0500

As someone who reads a lot of adult vampire fiction - and read the Sookie books when they were first out - these vampires are in no way about gay men. As a matter of fact, many of the most popular stories are about really rugged and dangerous vampire men. I don't think this guy has clue one about what it is about.

My theory? The dangerous guy theory. All of us have had the dangerous guy fantasy from time to time.

MLO / Melissa

Books, Movies, Games, Ovarian Cancer, and Life in General at http://www.mloknitting.com/

This is an AMAZING article!

Semper — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:53:57 -0500

This is an AMAZING article! So well put and insightful even beyond its direct response to Marche. I'm not even into this whole vampire business, and I connected to everything you said. This is something that will stick with me for a while.

stupid Esquire

wineplz — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:45:13 -0500

that author has NO clue about women at all. He's comparing apples to bananas.

I think you summed it up best with "but that we desire someone with whom to go to the place where our deepest unexplored desires hide. We want someone who is not only accepting and able to undertake the exploration of these with us masterfully, but who becomes so invested in the moment that even if our desire is still new and frightening to us, he is not turned off by it or by us, but is, in every sense, consumed by it—and the act of being with us. So consumed, in fact, that he might lose all control."

I don't know a single woman, personally, who wouldn't want a little more courting, respect, and devotion from her man, and to be cherished and appreciated. These things are evident in at least the Twilight book series (I've not watched True Blood), which explains their popularity. This Marche twit could stand to actually READ the series--he might get some good tips on how to treat the next woman he dates (if he's married, I feel bad for his wife).

Beyond the club

JChandler — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:05:15 -0500

Strip clubs are not the way to intimacy. I have known many women who have tried the route of going to clubs with their mate only to find it had nothing to do with making their relationship better or equal. Many felt they had cast aside their values in an attempt to please their mate, others it was idol curiousity. If you question your involvment than it is not the time for you to explore that world.

Strippers are not sex or relationship therapists they are for the most part women who, for reasons most of us are not privy to, have made a decision to sell their body. As I have stated before, in my work with these women many are survivors of abuse or have circumstances in their life that made them ripe for this type of work. Beyond those that "choose" it as a stepping stone towards a better life; many more struggled with addiction and other self destructive behaviours.

You can expect to walk into a club these days and find both men and some women watching a faceless woman with no past, present or future that is of consequence to the consumers. You are with your mate essentially buying women for the evening.

I think the above mention of discussing with your partner why he enjoys the strip club is helpful. I'm sorry to be the damper on his wish for you to join him but maybe it is time people found another path towards pleasuring each other.