BlogHer - sexuality - Comments

Totally...

Bill Cammack — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:36:34 -0500

hahaha Yeah... There are lots of threads I haven't jumped in on here because I don't want the Google word association haha :D

This particular topic was interesting enough to risk it, hehe

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Good points.

Nordette — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:48:37 -0500

I'm more cautious in my older age. :-) For instance, I'm thinking now that my name will start showing up on Google with the word "masturbate." LOL. I guess I'll never be able to get a job as a teacher down here.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

That's true Nordette, but

abgirl — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:16:54 -0500

Of course that's true Nordette, but you always take a risk when you're in a relationship and you make yourself vulnerable. There's many things people do in a relationship that they wouldn't do if they thought it was going to end (i.e. get married, have kids, buy a house, and for some people even have sex in the first place). In fact don't many relationships end because a partner holds back and doesn't fully trust the other? Though you do give yet another good reason to take things slow and not to do too much until you're sure you'd trust your partner 100%.

Absolutely, Susan. And a

avflox — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 09:22:52 -0500

Absolutely, Susan. And a great way to get to know what your partner likes and vice versa.

comments on comments

susan mernit — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 08:15:53 -0500

Tbanks for sharing here, everyone. Lots of good comments. Gena, I agree no one should have to choose. Nordette, you named it in terms of slacking! Bill, thanks for your perspective. abgirl and AV, your comments remind me that maturbation can be both very erotic--and a form of safe sex you can choose with a partner.

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

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But then

Nordette — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:45:09 -0500

But if you break up, some of them would post it on the Internet. I base this belief on the many people who report their exes have done everything from break into their college registration accounts and have withdrawn them from school using the passwords they were dumb enough to give them while dating to exes that have screwed with mail and credit reports. It would be wise to take human nature into account before doing this and be prepared for potential fall out. Sometimes people don't realize they're dating vindictive person until after they break up with them.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Maybe women who feel like

abgirl — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:23:00 -0500

Maybe women who feel like their men are cheating on them when they look at porn should consider providing them with homemade porn? I'm under the impression that men are very much stimulated by visual things much more than women, and that's why they like to have porn while they masturbate. So a guy wouldn't look at porn *as much* if he had recordings of his partner doing something naughty?

I know it wouldn't eradicate the need for porn for every guy, but it can't hurt to try.

Integral part of my relationship

abgirl — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:49:37 -0500

I masturbate more than ever since I've been in a relationship, at the request of my BF. He LOVES to watch (whether it's part of foreplay, while watching TV, in the car while he's driving...anywhere) and he loves it when I touch myself during sex. He bought me my first vibrator and I often use one during intercourse.

We only see each other a few times a month so I do it on webcam in between. I never had an issue doing it during sex but when he wanted to just watch me, alone, I was nervous about it. Now it makes me feel sexy. I like that he doesn't watch porn, just videos of us together or videos and photos of me (sounds naive, I know, but I don't think he'd lie since he knows I'd be fine with it anyway).

As far as masturbation in general, I actually never felt an urge to do it at all until I was about 18. A few advice columns I read in magazines suggested trying it, so I did. It was good, I guess, to learn my way around "the area".

The only problem is that if I've been masturbating a lot, especially with a vibrator, it's harder for my boyfriend to give me orgasms. Since I always know when I will be having sex, I just leave the vibrator alone for a few days prior and it's no problem. We are moving in together so I guess it will be more difficult after that.

Overall masturbation is a great addition to our sexual routine. To the women who hide it from their partners, most guys (or girls) would probably enjoy watching and wouldn't be offended at all. No reason to be ashamed.

Don't hate, masturbate!

avflox — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 23:16:30 -0500

This is one of my "thank God for the web" stories. I was much younger and in a long-term relationship. It wasn't the first time I'd lived with somebody, but definitely the first time I had encountered my partner masturbating.

I remember, like one of the women you mentioned, feeling sexually inadequate. Why, I demanded, if you have me in the bed in the next room, do you feel the need to masturbate in the bathroom? Am I doing something wrong? What the hell?

I was furious. I wrote a blog post about it and got the sort of feedback you give here from a friend of mine who'd been married for some time. Sometimes no one can love you like you can, sometimes, there's a desire to please yourself and not engage in a communion experience.

Later, I would realize that it wasn't the act itself that bothered me, but the fact that he'd felt he had to hide to do it. That was the disconnect. That was one of the main reasons the relationship didn't work. We couldn't talk about things with one another, whether it was sexual or emotional or mundane, we didn't have the words for them.

We were young. In time, we found the words. We were on and off for a few years, eventually even trying a hand at polyamory to explore our differing desires. The relationship eventually concluded when we realized we had different goals we wanted to pursue, but it was a more natural thing. I think, if we'd kept in touch, we would have become great friends because of the strong basis we managed to form.

But I will never forget that first incident. By that time I had done and been part of many non-vanilla things, but the shock I experienced there--it drives the point home about how many taboos manage to exist around masturbation, why we do it, what it means, and so on.

As for me, I've been masturbating for as long as I can remember. I do it whether I am single or not, alone and in the company of those with whom I share myself sexually. I enjoy watching someone else please themselves and enjoy being watched when I do the same.

When I'm alone, though, and not subject to anyone else's schedule, I can go for hours. My ex-husband used to joke that I should work closely with sex toy companies to make an AV-proof Jackrabbit prototype--I was burning mine out almost on a quarterly basis!

Guilty Dog Hollering Loudest

Nordette — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 19:18:48 -0500

Then again, if he's slackin' or just not doing the right thing, then that's exactly how he's SUPPOSED to feel, and he needs to step up his game.

Bill, I had to chuckle at this, if he's slackin' then he should step up his game *or her game.* I think in that case, it's the guilty dog hollers loudest. He's angry she's taking care of herself because her doing that reminds him he's not doing it right. And I guess a woman who thinks her mate enjoys a handjob more than her body should be equally concerned.

My ex used to be jealous of what I might fantasize about. I realized this when he'd ask me out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" He went through a period of spying on me. Well, if you're going to spy, maybe you deserve to find something. The trust is already gone.

I think it's silly on the part of both genders to be jealous or angry over a partner's masturbation, unless they believe it's genuinely a sign of a failure to please on their parts or the person masturbating is berating them about their lovemaking skills. If so, similar to what you said, they should be concerned. If they're slacking, do better. If someone's just berating them and saying they require more from them, that's a problem too.

Otherwise, sometimes people get horny and something's got to be done. If one partner's unavailable for whatever reason, well ... Nature calls.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Part Of The Issue

Bill Cammack — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:58:00 -0500

Jealousy is definiltely part of the issue for guys if their women handle their own business. I agree with you on that point.

There's also the issue that a guy's supposed to be able to "Rock" his girl. He's supposed to be able to turn her on AND get her off. That's not so much a jealousy issue as a "she doesn't need him for sex" issue.

Then again, if he's slackin' or just not doing the right thing, then that's exactly how he's SUPPOSED to feel, and he needs to step up his game.

The part I find interesting about these types of discussions is when women feel like it's CHEATING if men do that. Searching all over the house, trying to find his magazine and DVD collections, hahaha.. Trying to stop him from getting pleasure from any woman other than her, even if it's an 'imaginary' chick (or, at least, physically impossible for him to actually have sex with, because she's just an image).

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Some men feel threatened

Nordette — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:34:54 -0500

What I've observed is that women expect men to do it, but some husbands feel threatened to learn their wives masturbate. Now that is something that I think says a lot about the level of insecurity in some men, jealous not only of other men but also of sex toys and fingers.

One of my friends wasn't in the mood for sex and told her husband, who was very much in the mood, "You'd better take this bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care and leave me the hell alone." Now that was cold, but real.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

I second this. It's a bit

ofblossom — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 17:31:14 -0500

I second this. It's a bit silly that people are so ashamed by masturbation. I don't really understand the whole if it's something you do alone, then it's BADBADBAD thing.

I don't know that it would bother me if my partner liked masturbating and doing so without me, and probably because I couldn't be with someone who would expect me to stop just because we're together. Masturbation is great for so many reasons, one reason being that it makes a person better at having sex because they understand what they want and what they like, and I think if you're positive about masturbation you'll definitely be positive and enthusiastic about non-solo sex.

It's a taboo, but a silly one that needs to go away. People make it into this BFD when it shouldn't be, especially when in a relationship. And this?

"Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love." Woody Allen

I love this.

-----

What Goes On -- Putting a human face on mental illness

Hope I Never Have to Choose - I Want Options

Gena Haskett — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:46:58 -0500

I don't see why I'd have to stop because I'm in a relationship. Is that a part of the marriage contract, that I cede my self pleasuring to another?

I hope I would not take it personal if a guy wanted to wank w/o me and I would want the same courtesy. I mean, sometimes as you wrote it isn't about sex but sexual or mental health.

Sometimes it has to be you and Roscoe Palmer. Or an electrical variation. Sometimes it isn't the partner you have but the partner you need and can't get for whatever reason.

Gena - Out On The Stoop

In my opinion..

Amanda.B611 — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 13:12:48 -0500

I think that it shouldn't matter what your orientation choice is. You love who you love.. I personally identify with bisexual.. to me I chose that because I am attracted to both women and men, have had relationships with both, and if I was single would take in to consideration in dating either.. When it comes to dating I just try to find a person who I feel comfortable with, it doesn't matter to me if I'm snuggling up with my girl, or going to watch the game with my man :]I think its very ignorant and narrow minded to think that love is limited to a said gender or sexual choice..... Love doesn't care what sex you are or who you're having it with...just a thought...

-Amanda-