BlogHer - Social Relationships - Comments

Needing to talk

JChandler — Wed, 27 May 2009 00:40:15 -0500

Thank you so much for your comment. Women have so much to share and expanding our network and conversation beyond parenting is important for so many reasons.

Having said that, I do agree that people (with or without children) can give unwanted advice and unless asked an opinion on issues I tend to make it clear I'm no expert when it comes to children but I'm a good listener.

The people I spoke of are long gone. We moved back home and I enjoy now the comforts of familiar and long time friends and my family. The question re: having kids comes up all the time, twice this past weekend alone. But, it is nice to know that with child or not, polite conversation or just an opening one liner my ability to come in contact with caring women has not been lost. So, I thank you again for your thoughts, truly appreciated.

Everyone I know has

mysailorsmistress — Tue, 26 May 2009 22:40:19 -0500

Everyone I know has children. I would LOVE to know someone who does not have children and who has other things to talk about. Not that I do not love my kids it is that sometimes you just want to get away.

Also it is a weird subject. There are people in my in-laws family who do not have children. They are great with kids but offer advise when it is really not needed. I tend to get that a lot. Perhaps it is because I am young. I am not sure.

I think as women we can help each other either way. Mentally. Women have the need to talk not just gossip.

I hope they come around. Someone to ask how your day was, how was your weekend with your SO is always nice.

Jennifer

www.mysailorsmistress.net

Missed Opportunities

JChandler — Tue, 26 May 2009 22:23:31 -0500

Thank you. Your perspective was so appreciated! When you said "We just haven't put together a path to intimacy" I realized how difficult that can be at times. My friends have been in my life for long it had been many years since I had to connect with any others.

Though the question of children remains somewhat irritating, I agree there are questions to break the ice, establish contact or move to a new point in conversation.

I hope this aids in motivating someone to pick up the phone to call a friend, to stay in touch, to get to know a new woman on the block or just to include women regardless of status. Based on your wonderful words I'm sure we all have gained clarity about the journey towards friendship and the complexity of maintaining those relationships. Thanks.

When I read this, my first reaction is

She Who — Tue, 26 May 2009 21:38:22 -0500

to feel guilty. On a cork board in my front hall is a phone number, of a woman I've known and been freindly with for about 10 years. I've never called it. I've called her for other things, usually after emailing, but I've never actually just looked at that number and called to make a plan. I have had a friend even longer, who calls me, more or less once a year to ask me about some community matter and always effusively suggests we get together for coffee and catch up. She's never called back, either, and the years are long past when I stopped waiting by the phone for that call. Whichever of us passes first will doubtless say something nice at our memorial service. I don't even feel annoyed and run my tape about 'insincere' when she says it anymore. That's not what it's about.

Last month, I finally managed to agree on a date to see my sister. I fought everything off it, and drove 2 hours each way to see her (and my niece) for the afternoon. It was almost Easter, we finally exchanged our Christmas presents. Today, when we spoke on the phone, she told me how she and my neice drove past my house (one mile away) to spend Friday at at theme park north of me. Apparently they had a fun day. But she didn't call me driving by, or even stop to say hi, and she didn't invite me.

The thing is, all these missed opportunities for connection aren't related to our childbearing status, except peripherally. None of these women has decided not to hang with me because they're parents, or because I'm a parent, or because I'm not. And they like me. I like them. We just haven't put together a path to intimacy. In my town virtually every woman between 30 and 80 has a 'walking buddy." Every pleasant night (or morning), they're roaming in pairs, one end of town to the other. It's like being a wallflower at the ball, sometimes, watching them march by. Sometimes bigger groups, red-hatting.

How women become friends is an eccentric journey, really. I'm privileged to be friends with a group of women who shared a dorm in college. Not with me. I'm friends with a group of women who bonded on the internet...about 10 years and 15 children, more or less, ago. Most of them I've met in person, by now...because we drove across continents (and flew across oceans) to do that. These are women I love. And I love a few neighbors.

I have no doubt that the women who didn't become friends with you missed out. I'm not sure that loss had to do with our labels, though. I'm not sure it was intent. So many things are 'sins of omission.' "Do you have any kids" may be just the adult banality that replaces "What grade are you in?" when people talk to children. It's a poorly designed handle that breaks when you lift the cup.

I mean, they could be judgmental narrow-minded putzes. But that's not the only possibility. Maybe they're just confused.

http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who

Poetry as a life saver!

aprillorier — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 13:32:04 -0600

When I was a child being abused in my home, I began to write poetry so I could say how I felt in metaphors. No one would take the time to try to figure out the metaphors, so it was a "safe" way of expressing myself. I have never stopped writing poetry. It saved my sanity and my life! After my divorce, I wrote this:

Abandonment and The Dancing Bride
(c) 1994-2007 April Lorier

I eat ripe melons and peaches by my sink, let the juice
tickle my arms and splat on my toes. Like a child,
I giggle as the juice dries to sticky.
I plant fewer beans and more flowers in my garden, now.
Cheerful bouquets grace my table to celebrate each day,
even when visitors are not expected.

I sneak out before the Mr. Sun rises to watch him rub his
sleepy eyes, the sky progressing from tangerine
to aquamarine. I welcome the fresh clean day, celebrating
with blueberry pancakes and steaming
chocolate-raspberry coffee.
My senses drink in the luxuriant balance
of my Creator's perfect handiwork.

I wiggle my bright red toenails and squish early-morning
dew-covered grass between them. Unconcerned
with neighbors' reactions, the birds and I bathe in the rain
without cover. I squeal in delight as my feathered
friends sing! I can sneeze, cry, laugh from my belly
--all without apologizing for myself.

I have a tambourine and I play it as I dance unashamedly
for my King. Throw open those windows!
Lift those shades! Watch me Son Dance!
Freely my body sways, my hands beating out joyful
rhythms of celebration for all He has given His girl
to... see... touch... smell... hear... taste!

I fold fewer clothes and paint more pictures--oh, not
proper pieces of fruit, but bold splashes of musical color!
Regal Purples! Bold Reds! Bright Fuschias!
Playful Yellows! Vibrant Greens!
Black and White be gone!
(Who ever saw black or white in one of God's lovely
Promise Rainbows?)

I hold much looser now because I know nothing on this
earth lasts forever. Fewer headaches and imagined
problems haunt me these days. I rest totally
in the Sovereign Plan of my Loving Kingly Father.
Each day is a new surprise as I receive His miraculous,
generous, already-allotted provision.

My King is the Keeper of my dreams. I expect far more
from Him and much less from others. He's taught me to
risk all on Him. I sing happier songs,
pray happier prayers, live more in His present moment.
We share intimacies as the ocean sprays my face,
as the sun bathes my tanned body.
Proudly I wear my Celebration Dress of Royal Purple
and Gold today. I am not the child of a pauper,
but of The King of all Kings! A look of approval
is on His face today, for He withholds no good
thing from me. His provision stands beside me today,
and in our union, we feel His smile.

http://aprillorier.blogspot.com

"Life can make you sad, or you can choose to laugh at circumstances. I choose to laugh! God is bigger than any of my circumstances, and He cherishes me. What's to cry about?"

There's wonderful sense of movement in your poem, Susan!

cherylsnell — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 12:55:59 -0500

I'm glad that you've picked up your pen again.

Finding connections between objects can serve so many purposes beyond the exercise of attention. I've found that writing poetry helps me clarify what I think about things.

Cheryl Snell
http://www.shivasarms.blogspot.com/

sometimes there are more or other reasons

Vera — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 23:32:13 -0500

What a beautiful and inspiring story and poem.

I started writing poetry as a way to express powerful feelings after my dad died suddenly when I was 9 years old. Later I also played with it, but it was always a personal and powerful release valve. For about 15 years, coinciding with the time when I was most high profile in business, I didn't write at all. Part of that was having my voice strangled, part of it was being able to speak powerfully in day to day life, and part of it was biting my tongue for love of my sons.

From talking to friends about it, I've come to believe there are also times when we're developing a new part of ourselves which is still fragile, and speaking fully, to the extent that we move out of ourselves, can threaten that valuable new expression of self.

Vera

Poetry As A Creative Excercise

Lia — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:32:44 -0500

I read your post with much interest. I wonder how many woman went through those various stages towards finding their own voice. I certainly went through each and every one. I also went from professional ballet dancing to electrical engineering.

You post has given me the courage to try once again to write poetry. I remember loving that morning exercise or ritual. It was like taking a snapshot of my soul each and every day.

I very much enjoyed the mood and sentiments of your poem.

lia from luebeck, germany

Author of the yum yum cafe and coauthor of the Red Tent Blog.

Thank you

jessabean — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 07:36:25 -0500

Thank you for sharing this story. I too love poetry but stopped writing several years ago, because I was afraid and doubted my abilities. I still do. I've never had anything published, so I haven't even allowed myself to achieve success. But your account gives me hope that I can still find that voice, own it, and allow it to speak freely.

Again, thanks. This was a beautiful post!

Jessabean

Unquiet Heart