BlogHer - pregnancy after infertility - Comments

Megan, I am so sorry for

Melissa Ford — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:41:19 -0500

Megan,

I am so sorry for your losses.

We did the same thing--painted neutral and used the room as an office/dumping ground. We went with the same calm blue we used for the guest room.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Hey Kami-- I love that

Melissa Ford — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:38:55 -0500

Hey Kami--

I love that thought about rejoicing in the moment. And separating out how you feel now and what you want to do now from thinking about the future.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

So True

nutmeg96 — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:28:37 -0500

There is so much here that I can relate to.

At the outset of my first pregnancy, I ordered a single onesie, one that says "nobody puts baby in the corner." Less than a week after the onesie arrived, the pregnancy was over. I hid the onesie in the back of a closet. During my second pregnancy, I bought nothing, even when my pants all started to get uncomfortably tight. It was just as well -- that pregnancy came to an untimely end too, even though we'd had a heartbeat.

We're now painting what would be the nursery in a neutral color and setting it up as an office. One of the reasons I wanted that neutral color was so that if we ever bring home a baby, we won't have to repaint. We can just toss up some decorations and call it a day.

And I know how it feels to spend hours letting a friend cry on your shoulder during TTC troubles, only to have her disappear after she sustains a pregnancy. I vow never to behave that way -- I don't want to abandon my IF sisters, especially the ones who have been so supportive. Even if we eventually get lucky and have a family, I think I'll always be IF at heart.

Megan

http://nutmeg96.blogspot.com

Newborns don't really need much, we found.

KamiK — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:43:38 -0500

Good to hear!

We are less than 5 weeks from our due date and still haven't felt like bringing anything baby related into the house. I don't think we will jinx anything and I realized recently it is more than just clearing out baby things if all does not go well. I don't even want to see these baby things. I'm afraid of opening my heart up to that degree - to start to believe we may eventually have a child. Today I am happy to know I have a live baby inside of me who seems to be healthy. I can rejoice in the moment, but I cannot count on tomorrow.

Please, I Need to Use That Somewhere

Melissa Ford — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:52:44 -0500

"Don't buy until you see the whites of their eyes."

That is absolutely perfect.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

No Easy Answers

Melissa Ford — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:51:43 -0500

I wonder if it wouldn't be a one-size-fits-all response even within the same person or if each pregnancy would bring with it a new way of dealing with the future.

I think you said it perfectly with "with matters of the heart we don't want to be ruled by fear."

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

The jinx

bestlight — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:50:59 -0500

I'm not usually one who believes in the jinx. And I'm all for positive thinking.

So I found it odd that I was unable to prepare ANYTHING prior to the morning after our daughter was born.

Kind of like "don't buy until you see the whites of their eyes."

Newborns don't really need much, we found. Good thing.

Weebles Wobblog (http://weebleswobblog.blogspot.com)
Drama 2B Mama (http://drama2bmama.blogspot.com)

Thank you so much for writing this, sweetie

Melissa Ford — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:38:29 -0500

I've been thinking about you a lot.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

one foot in, one foot out

luna — Fri, 09 May 2008 11:30:43 -0500

After a year and a half of trying, I finally became pregnant but knew I was high-risk. We tried not to plan anything until I was well out of the first trimester. Finally then we believed maybe there was a real chance we would bring our baby home. At about 16 wks, I walked into a baby store with the intent of browsing for myself for the first time. At 18 weeks, we finally began thinking about a nursery, and talking about names. But soon the worst happened when I lost my son at 21 weeks.

If I had ever been able to get pregnant again, I don't know that I would have felt secure enough to plan anything until my child was resting safely in my arms. But with matters of the heart we don't want to be ruled by fear. We want to embrace the possibility of good rather than prepare for the worst. Some simply want to run from the pain of infertility, and why not? The truth is there is no way to be prepared for such a tragic life changing event. I like to think I'd be cautiously optimistic and allow myself to enjoy it, but I can't be sure.

~luna

http://lifefromhere.wordpress.com

My perspective

lunarmagic — Thu, 08 May 2008 21:56:12 -0500

I was one of those who jumped right in to making a registry and buying baby things. I never had any anxiety over it, I was so freaking thrilled to be there. I definitely did worry that infertiles would look at me and think I'd forgotten it all, but that wasn't it at all - to me remembering the hell of infertility meant I needed to enjoy every single precious moment I had. I was pregnant, and I was going to do every pregnant thing I'd been dreaming off.

And the worst really did happen. We came home with empty arms. I don't regret the shopping and the list-making and plans, not for a second. My son was celebrated the entire time he lived inside me. I got to experience pregnancy. I have photos of all my memories.

Did it suck to come home to a house full of baby things? Sure it did. It sucked to be home, period. But if I had come home to a house devoid of baby things I think it would have felt like none of it ever happened. And for me that would have sucked more.

But with that being said... I don't know how I will ever be able to fully invest in a pregnancy again after what happened.

I wish!

Tigger062077 — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:54:05 -0500

No basement, just a crawl space under the house. *shudder* I hate basements. Our bed is one of the captain beds, with drawers under it. There is a spot under the mattress, in the bed frame, where I could put some of it...but no, under the bed isn't good. I think I'll end up putting them either in the room we're turning into a play room for our friends' children or above the closet in one of the other rooms. I'll have to see how much space we have once they move out.

They do represent a dream. One I thought I had given up on, but upon reading this article and thinking thoughts, I guess I really haven't. Wonder if I ever will?

Great Thoughts

Melissa Ford — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:13:34 -0500

Tigger--lots of great thoughts. Do you have a basement? A room that you rarely use? Can you get under the bed boxes and slip them out of sight (talk about a monster under the bed though...).

I hear you on why you can't let these tangible items go. They represent the whole dream.

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Thinking

Tigger062077 — Thu, 08 May 2008 10:02:13 -0500

When we first started TTC, I went shopping crazy. Well, crazy for me, anyhow. I bought anything and everything Tigger related I could find: toddler toothbrushes, crib and twin sheet sets, pillow to match the sets, bibs, a rocking tigger (like a rocking horse), a car window shade. If it was Tigger and I saw it, I bought it.

We're going on four years now with no luck. We're no longer actively ttcing. Two years ago I put all the Tigger items into a storage unit, for use at a later date (theoretically). After reading this article, I realized something that I have no answer for and that makes me slightly panicky: My inlaws are moving out, and all my things from the storage unit are going to be coming back into the house. That means that all that baby stuff I've stashed is coming back too. I have to find a place to hide it where I will never come across it again. Why don't I get rid of it? I can't bear to. If I do, I feel like I really AM giving up.

I can understand the no-longer-in-the-trenches women who feel hesitant to buy things. I can understand those who have and are now terrified. It's as if by purchasing something you're just tempting karma to come get you. But if you don't, then those who don't understand you guilt you. I really don't think there is a win on any side to this whole deal. And wow...did this comment turn into my own bloggy post. :) Sorry about that!