BlogHer - bullies - Comments

great advice

lovelydisturbance — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 10:39:53 -0500

My daughter has been bullied a little this year.

Last night she said a boy threatened to kill her.

It broke my heart and found your post offering sound advice.

Thank you.

How do you speak up when the bully is making fun of your voice?

SatelliteSister5 — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:36:07 -0500

Boys can be just as mean as girls. My son has a high voice that has not changed yet and he is being teased at school. This is the second go-round on this issue during Middle School. The first time I involved the school who handled it quickly... bu the backlash for me son was worse than the intial teasing. The bullies made fun of his voice and his "running to mommy". It was awful. Now, it's a single kid who is on him again for the high voice issue. And it's hard to speak up and defend yourself when people are making fun of your voice. He is begging me not to say anything ot the school or the parent... but his grades are suffering. ah...

Great resources in this article . Thanks. Gives me something to think about.

SatelliteSisterLian

www.satellitesisters.com

bullying

fidget — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:30:28 -0500

We are trying hard to'toughen up' my 6 yearold. She LOVES to play the victim and given her autism diagnosis is already more of a target. Between those two things, we've already had a pretty bad problem with teasing this year. She doesnt quite get the humor thing but we are working on it

Fidget
Finding Yourself Despite Yourself

Jill, I agree...

rocksinmydryer — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 22:40:08 -0500

...that's why I tried to present both sides of that coin. I tend to believe that a mixture of both approaches is healthy. There are times to involve adults (I, like you, have some success with that approach in my own family), and there are times that kids have to handle it themselves. A discerning parent will keep her eyes peeled for what her child needs in each particular instance!

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
www.rocksinmydryer.net
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family

Experience teaches

Jill Miller Zimon — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 08:36:45 -0500

That you'll hopefully figure out which approaches work best for which children.

I'm going to be careful here, but I'd like to urge that the advice about not involving parents or adults be considered very very carefully before deployed. One of my kids was bullied all the way from 1st grade through middle school and one of my others also has had social situations that benefitted enormously from adult intervention.

My experience was that when the adults are professionals who have training and child development knowledge (specifically, counselors, assistant principals, guidance teachers), they can be an enormous source of comfort, advice and intervention.

My school district is incredibly serious about their zero-tolerance, particularly in the early years when kids' behaviors are starting to get set but also are very susceptible to influence from parents and other adults, as well as peers.

My kids learned to trust these adults and listen to the advice - which always revolves around how to help the child grow into someone who can manage everything themselves. That is always the goal - to have them resolve the bullying situation on their own -because then the bully is neutralized and the child is no longer a victim.

But I've seen the need and the benefit for adults to be involved and I have a real bias against relying solely on the idea that a victim must change so as not to get bullied. Yes - agreed - there are things that someone who is being bullied can do to reduce or eliminate the chance that it will happen. But I do not subscribe to any approach that would result in a child believing that it's his or her fault that another person is picking on them because they are vulnerable. That is something that no parent should tolerate (kids who take advantage of others' vulnerabilities).

Jill
Writes Like She Talks

No sympathy for bullies

MamacitaG — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:50:25 -0500

So often people have such sympathy for a bully that they hesitate to protect the victims, who should be our first priority when it comes to care and protection. Frankly, I have no sympathy for the bullies; I give all my sympathy and help to their victims. I firmly believe that cruel, violent kids have no business in our schools. The public schools are there to give an academic education to all who want one; those who don't want one should not be there. School, of all public places, should be a SAFE PLACE for all of the students who attend.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

My Kids Made It Through!

linneyshvede — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 10:12:15 -0500

Thanks Shannon for this post. I have 3 teens and 2 were victims of bullying. It was horrifying and heartbreaking for them and for me. If it weren't for the fact that my kids came to me with their problems, I don't know how long it would have gone on. And I'm fortunate that the school administration took immediate action.

My son was chubby in middle school and was teased by one boy in lunch every day. I didn't know about it until the day he told me he was going to the counselor to let her know. She put an end to it right then and there.

My daughter was the victim of horrible sexual harassment last year in high school. She tried to tell the teacher in study hall, but the teacher ignored her direct complaints. She told me and I went to the administration. Again it was taken care of quickly and severely.

I'm afraid for the children who won't go to their parents or adult mentor, which happens so often. Children need to know they are safe to tell someone if they are being harassed and that there is an advocate for them.

SO scary

Kathy333 — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:47:22 -0500

This is something I think about a lot as the mother of two young girls. I remember being bullied in school and being terrified to walk down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I had this one girl that constantly followed me until I got 'accepted' into another group of friends who took up for me. I never did for myself.

I have tried to teach my oldest daughter that we are kind to people, and that we treat them nicely, and if we have a problem to go to an adult. However, I also don't think if she is being hit she should take it and wait for an adult to get help, because oftentimes bullies attack when no one is around. Then what? Unfortunately bullies don't stop if someone doesn't fight back. There are times she will have to defend herself, and I want her to understand that she might have to do this. How do you tell that to a four year old? Hitting is not okay . . . but sometimes it is necessary.

Kathy

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Mama Marathoner

I was the victim of a bully

shane_onegoodie — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:39:28 -0500

Shannon:Thanks for sharing this. I had a "friend" growing up who was a bully and for 28 years we have a very co-dependent relationship. I felt like I had to do what she said, and she felt she had to tell me what to do. Finally, at the age of 28 (right before my wedding) i learned to stand up for myself and put an end to this awful relationship. It was like a terrible breakup but I've never looked back - I'm a stronger, better person because of having let it go. I only wish I knew how to do it when I was 8 or 9. Hopefully someone else will benefit from your post and not be stuck, as I was, for so long.

On-line Bullying

MomsAgainstBullying — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:17:53 -0500

MomsAgainstBullying

Yes! To answer your question: Is this a newsworthy topic? Absolutely! We parents have got to re-educate ouselves and our educators. The school bully is no longer "Butch" and the image that comes to mind. 21st Century bullies come in all shapes, sizes, colors, religions, boys and girls alike.

With all the gadgets, video games, and TV shows that we parents use as babysitters, is it any wonder that the modern day bully is turning to the internet for a quick fix of his/her favorite drug,POWER? We have to get a handle on this. How many school shootings is it going to take for parents, educators, and law enforcement to put a stop to it? We all have to get involved and take action now. I created my blog (http://momsagainstbullying.blogspot.com) in an effort to bring parents and educators together to find solutions. Our kids are worth it.