BlogHer - bullies - Comments

Bullied and bullier

jaycee — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:29:41 -0600

My son's been both and had huge problems last year and some of this year at school for handling situations violently. Unfortunately he's earned himself a bit of a reputation but I think we're on the road to rectifying that but it's not easy.

He has social skills problems and doesn't always know how to act in certain situations. I also know that some kids know how to push his buttons and stand back and watch the consequences of my son's reaction (one kid stood back with a smirk on his face one day according to my son). Consequences usually being detention.

Recently we got our department of education involved and I've had some meetings with a behaviour management person from there, and relevant people from the school and we've drawn up a student development plan for both school, and after school care. These plans outline some really clear goals for what's expected of Julian and he's 'rated' on his behaviour throughout the day with negotiated rewards for good behaviour.

But my son also gets picked on in addition to the push buttons and stand back thing I mentioned above. I've finally got him telling staff what's going on as there was a stage where he didn't want to dob.

It's a bloody hard one but as a parent you've got to be on the ball, work with the school, let the school know that you want to work with them to resolve things and not deny that something's going on. Pity all parents didn't do the same. I know one lot of parents thinks my son's the bad boy but their son ain't no angel either. They would deny that and the mum will not look me in the eye when we see each other at school. I think I'll just say hallo to her next time so she has to look me in the eye! Just because our boys have issues doesn't mean I'm a bad person..

Jen at Semantically driven

... and this type never grow

stephdow — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:49:26 -0600

... and this type never grow out of it. ugh...

Two kinds of bullies

phdinparenting — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:11:59 -0600

In my experience, I think there may be two kinds of bullies (maybe more??).

There are definitely those who are seeking attention and killing them with kindness may work. I think that is certainly true of the kids who are bullying in order to fend off bullies (better to be the bully than to be the victim), who don't have any/very many friends themselves and who may not have a very good home life.

But there is also another kind of bully. The "I'm better than you" bully. The ones who will not condescend to talk to you. The ones who will give continual little jabs to keep you in your place. The ones who want to continually remind everyone else of your faults, so that their superiority is even more apparent. The killing with kindness doesn't work with those ones. Being nice to them only leads to more bullying because you dared to think you had permission to talk to them.

Annie

PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.com

I was bullied

phdinparenting — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:57:06 -0600

I was bullied from preschool through to the end of high school. A friend of mine was frustrated last year when her daughter was being bullied by a 3 year old at preschool.

I would do anything to spare my kids from that experience and to keep them from becoming bullies. Anything. But what to do? That isn't always clear. For starters, I think schools have a responsibility to be on the watch for it, to treat it seriously, and to address the underlying issues that are causing the bullies to pick on others.

PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.com

i hate bullies!!!!

notUrtypicalGma — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:58:26 -0600

yes, bullying is rampant. all of my girls at some point have been bullied and for the most part it has been short lived, because i have taught my daughters to stick up for themselves. they have handled it in different ways, one may talk her way out of it another has actually had to kick a boy off of her, let me say that he called her bad names and left bruises on her arms she just happened to be caught by the yard duty person. i went to to the office and we got to the bottom of it, this kid had bullied her for a while and she finally couldn't take it anymore. and yet anothers bullying was in junior high and she came home and told me and i went to the principals office and the three boys who did bully her were suspended, because they used remarks affiliated with gang behavior. i am glad that my kids are equipped to do the right thing, and if i ever saw them acting out on another child i have taken them aside and been really stern with them, for the most part it has been kidstuff. but if you do not nip it in the bud it grows into this unmanageable behavior that to me is unacceptable, as i was bullied from kinder to highschool. i finally got bold to stand up for myself, most times i did not confide in my parents and i think that is crucial. creating an environment of communication is soo important to really knowing what is going on with your kid. i agree with beverly as they get older the bullying can be worse, with the technology we have today it only allows someone to be destroyed with the push of a send button. i have tweens and teens and it is scary to me how much goes on, for the new cyberbullying i think having access to all of their gadgets and myspace etc is important i monitor my girls sites. i have seen cyberbullying firsthand when someone spread vicious rumors about my daughter from another mother, it destoyed her confidence and friendships and she is slowly rebuilding her life back to a normal for her. so i say know what is going on in your kids life and know who is in your kids life. and to all the former bullies out there who ever taunted me, hope karma was a *$#@! to you.

It gets more difficult!

Beverly Flaxington — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:48:06 -0600

Once they start texting, IMing and going online, it gets so much more difficult to oversee and manage. My 13 year old daughter has received threatening messages from "friends" and I've seen many situations where other children (girls especially) have to deal with the cyber-bullying. It's hard to go to school and not even know who is out to get you! And, of course, it is easy to punish someone when all you have to do is press "Send". On the note of younger children, the counselor at my youngest daughter's school last year (in Kindergarten) told me she was having to start younger and younger to teach them to be kind to one another. She said the bullying and gossiping used to start in 4th or 5th grade, but now it is the littlest children.

What did I do? In both cases, all I can do is try and explain to my kids that bullies are looking for attention. I try and teach them that "kill with kindness" is generally the best approach. Do they listen? Who knows!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets

great advice

lovelydisturbance — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 10:39:53 -0500

My daughter has been bullied a little this year.

Last night she said a boy threatened to kill her.

It broke my heart and found your post offering sound advice.

Thank you.

How do you speak up when the bully is making fun of your voice?

SatelliteSister5 — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:36:07 -0500

Boys can be just as mean as girls. My son has a high voice that has not changed yet and he is being teased at school. This is the second go-round on this issue during Middle School. The first time I involved the school who handled it quickly... bu the backlash for me son was worse than the intial teasing. The bullies made fun of his voice and his "running to mommy". It was awful. Now, it's a single kid who is on him again for the high voice issue. And it's hard to speak up and defend yourself when people are making fun of your voice. He is begging me not to say anything ot the school or the parent... but his grades are suffering. ah...

Great resources in this article . Thanks. Gives me something to think about.

SatelliteSisterLian

www.satellitesisters.com

bullying

fidget — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 12:30:28 -0500

We are trying hard to'toughen up' my 6 yearold. She LOVES to play the victim and given her autism diagnosis is already more of a target. Between those two things, we've already had a pretty bad problem with teasing this year. She doesnt quite get the humor thing but we are working on it

Fidget
Finding Yourself Despite Yourself

Jill, I agree...

rocksinmydryer — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 22:40:08 -0500

...that's why I tried to present both sides of that coin. I tend to believe that a mixture of both approaches is healthy. There are times to involve adults (I, like you, have some success with that approach in my own family), and there are times that kids have to handle it themselves. A discerning parent will keep her eyes peeled for what her child needs in each particular instance!

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
www.rocksinmydryer.net
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family

Experience teaches

Jill Miller Zimon — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 08:36:45 -0500

That you'll hopefully figure out which approaches work best for which children.

I'm going to be careful here, but I'd like to urge that the advice about not involving parents or adults be considered very very carefully before deployed. One of my kids was bullied all the way from 1st grade through middle school and one of my others also has had social situations that benefitted enormously from adult intervention.

My experience was that when the adults are professionals who have training and child development knowledge (specifically, counselors, assistant principals, guidance teachers), they can be an enormous source of comfort, advice and intervention.

My school district is incredibly serious about their zero-tolerance, particularly in the early years when kids' behaviors are starting to get set but also are very susceptible to influence from parents and other adults, as well as peers.

My kids learned to trust these adults and listen to the advice - which always revolves around how to help the child grow into someone who can manage everything themselves. That is always the goal - to have them resolve the bullying situation on their own -because then the bully is neutralized and the child is no longer a victim.

But I've seen the need and the benefit for adults to be involved and I have a real bias against relying solely on the idea that a victim must change so as not to get bullied. Yes - agreed - there are things that someone who is being bullied can do to reduce or eliminate the chance that it will happen. But I do not subscribe to any approach that would result in a child believing that it's his or her fault that another person is picking on them because they are vulnerable. That is something that no parent should tolerate (kids who take advantage of others' vulnerabilities).

Jill
Writes Like She Talks

No sympathy for bullies

MamacitaG — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:50:25 -0500

So often people have such sympathy for a bully that they hesitate to protect the victims, who should be our first priority when it comes to care and protection. Frankly, I have no sympathy for the bullies; I give all my sympathy and help to their victims. I firmly believe that cruel, violent kids have no business in our schools. The public schools are there to give an academic education to all who want one; those who don't want one should not be there. School, of all public places, should be a SAFE PLACE for all of the students who attend.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

My Kids Made It Through!

linneyshvede — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 10:12:15 -0500

Thanks Shannon for this post. I have 3 teens and 2 were victims of bullying. It was horrifying and heartbreaking for them and for me. If it weren't for the fact that my kids came to me with their problems, I don't know how long it would have gone on. And I'm fortunate that the school administration took immediate action.

My son was chubby in middle school and was teased by one boy in lunch every day. I didn't know about it until the day he told me he was going to the counselor to let her know. She put an end to it right then and there.

My daughter was the victim of horrible sexual harassment last year in high school. She tried to tell the teacher in study hall, but the teacher ignored her direct complaints. She told me and I went to the administration. Again it was taken care of quickly and severely.

I'm afraid for the children who won't go to their parents or adult mentor, which happens so often. Children need to know they are safe to tell someone if they are being harassed and that there is an advocate for them.

SO scary

Kathy333 — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:47:22 -0500

This is something I think about a lot as the mother of two young girls. I remember being bullied in school and being terrified to walk down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I had this one girl that constantly followed me until I got 'accepted' into another group of friends who took up for me. I never did for myself.

I have tried to teach my oldest daughter that we are kind to people, and that we treat them nicely, and if we have a problem to go to an adult. However, I also don't think if she is being hit she should take it and wait for an adult to get help, because oftentimes bullies attack when no one is around. Then what? Unfortunately bullies don't stop if someone doesn't fight back. There are times she will have to defend herself, and I want her to understand that she might have to do this. How do you tell that to a four year old? Hitting is not okay . . . but sometimes it is necessary.

Kathy

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Mama Marathoner

I was the victim of a bully

shane_onegoodie — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:39:28 -0500

Shannon:Thanks for sharing this. I had a "friend" growing up who was a bully and for 28 years we have a very co-dependent relationship. I felt like I had to do what she said, and she felt she had to tell me what to do. Finally, at the age of 28 (right before my wedding) i learned to stand up for myself and put an end to this awful relationship. It was like a terrible breakup but I've never looked back - I'm a stronger, better person because of having let it go. I only wish I knew how to do it when I was 8 or 9. Hopefully someone else will benefit from your post and not be stuck, as I was, for so long.