BlogHer - child - Comments

Well, I am the daughter of a

maka — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:32:17 -0500

Well, I am the daughter of a single mother by choice. My mother was financially sound when I was born and she was a great mother, besides the fact that I had a great family that surrounded me while I was growing, however I always struggled with the fact that I didn't have a father. I don't agree with what my mother did, and I wouldn't do it for any reason but she was always there for me to help me cope and that was very important for me, so I think that's my best advice. You might not be able to eliminate the suffering of being fatherless, that's something she will have to learn to live with on her own (like I did), but you can be there for her to help her cope with her feelings. Never lie to her and never speak bad about her father in front of her. Give her lots of love, make sure she has a compromissed male role model, reassure the fact that you became a mother because you love her, don't get upset if when she grows up she express a desire to meet her father and learn to respect her feelings towards that. My mother did all that and even though that the absence of my father was painful her actions help me to learn how to deal with it and not to feel bad towards myself because of that. As I said, she might not agree with what you did, but if you establish a good and loving relationship with her she will understand. I am sure that you will do great. There are a lot of books out there that might help you so you try to read one, and again, make sure she develops a close relationship with a male, it can be an uncle, godfather, grandfather, it is very imporatant for a girl to have a male role in her life. I had a wonderful Godfather and I think that was unvaluable. EVerytime that I used to get sad because I didn't have a father my mother used to remind me that I had a Godfather that loved me like his own child and that would made instantly feel better. So just try that and I'm sure that your daughter will come out good like I did, good luck to you and her.

Well said!

AmberS — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 23:17:20 -0500

I have to say a big amen to this one. Why is that moms face criticism for traveling and dads don't? Or at least not the same level of criticism. Such an excellent point.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

I didn't really miss my son...

VDog — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 12:42:08 -0500

either. Sure I thought about him and sometimes had a pang of [something] when I would see babies and toddlers, but I texted my husband and focused on my purpose for being there.

I knew he was safe and well taken care of and that some seperation is good for the both of us.

I do not feel guilty for my time away.

Victoria, aka VDog
http://www.vdogblog.com
http://www.room704.us

Love the responses

cutiebootycakes — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:20:32 -0500

I am so happy to hear from all of you because for a moment there I was thinking perhaps I was not normal and needed to check my mommy gauge. Thank you for all of your responses to this post. I think many of you make the very valid point tha fathers are never questioned when they travel. I actually am glad that I learned this lesson fairly early in my son's life because I spent the first 8 months tethered to my home as much as possible and had my first "Mom's Night Out" when he was nine months old. Me time is so important for all of us and helps us to remember to validate ourselves as women -not just accept the singular title of "Mom."

Cutie Booty Cakes

Not guilty

Latonya Richardson — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:55:21 -0500

I'm a mother of 5, and when they were yonger, I took my children just everywhere with me. Because we have a large family, I thought all of my children on one person would be a burden. Four years ago when the youngest was five and the oldest 15, I went away to a conference By.My.SELF. It was heaven! I realized then, I needed time to be me, not Mom, babe, Mrs. Richardson... If we don't take time to rejuvinate ourselves, that means leaving the little ones behind, we're no good to them, or anyone else.

Traveling Dad = Uncaring Dad?

Vered — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:34:28 -0500

I'd like to see THAT title. Somehow I don't expect to see it any time soon.

----

Need to hire a blogger? I’m a mommy blogger and a blogger for hire.

I Love to Get Away

GoodByeGracie — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:02:15 -0500

My husband and I get away a few times a year and our children go stay with my mom or she comes here and stays with them if we're gone during the school year. I do not feel guilty or really miss them even. My reasoning is simple...my mom! She's awesome and I am honored my kids are able to spend that time with her. They don't miss me and I don't want them to either. So I honor them by enjoying myself and recharging while I am away.

Interestingly, my husband travels frequently for business and no one ever asks him if he feels guilty or misses the kids. Why do women place such expectations on each other? I would hate to make him feel badly for going away...he's had so many great experiences he brings home to share with us. And that's how I look at it when I go away.

*Laurie*

http://kidsinthesuburbs.blogspot.com/

Mommyhood

Julianne McLaughlin — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 12:51:17 -0500

It gets easier and harder when they get older. They realize you are gone...and they can punish you for it. Not forever, of course, but just enough to make you feel a bit guilty. I remember my son wouldn't look at me after I had been gone for a few days. It killed me, but he got over it and so did I. It's easier though because they are more independent and can entertain themselves which is helpful for Grandma and Dad. I think it is normal and natural to take some time off from mommyhood....you come back a better mother and a more relaxed one. Cheers! Julianne

I don't leave my kids often

Carmen S — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:26:55 -0500

maybe three or four times a year. Each and every time I go, I do what I need to feel comfortable - be it prepare meals, coordinate rides, spend extra time before, place a picture in a bedroom - and then I go. And I never, ever ever feel guilty. I also can honestly say that I don't ever miss them. Some days, I realize it's been hours since I thought about them.

I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I'm also ME. A person who likes to read, to shop, to explore a city on foot and take a nap or three. Maybe order room service, hang out at a pool or a bar or a bookstore.

And I don't think that makes me a bad parent. Far from it. I used to live exclusively for my kids, never taking time for myself. As a result, I ended up fat, depressed and contemplating driving on the wrong side of the road during rush hour.

I need the time away and my family needs a relaxed, happy with herself mom and wife.

--
Carmen

Keep posted with my life on my blogs:
Mom to the Screaming Masses - a story of one woman's insanity with her six kids
The Elff Diet - how I lost 80 pounds with a New Year's Resolution

I'm right there with ya!

VenusVision — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:12:04 -0500

It came as a big surprise to me when upon becoming a mother, I realized I didn't NOT want to center my life around my children. I love them, I love spending time with them, but I also have my own needs, seperate from them, and sometimes those needs can only be met without them. In the seven years I have been a mother, I have had six different weekends for a mommy-getaway (though one of those was actually to help care for a friend's newborn son -- which I LOVED!). The only time I had any guilt and really missed my kids was when one of them got pretty sick while I was away in Vegas. But the reality was, I wasn't in a position to hop on the next flight and go home, so I got over it and continued having my weekend of fun, knowing my husband was doing just fine without me. And of course, I never hesitate to take a girls' night out here and there.

I am a saner AND better mother when I can have a break from my kids periodically and remember that I am more than a mom, and that role does not define who I am.

http://venusvision.com

http://www.facebook.com/VenusVision

http://twitter.com/venusvision

Moms need to get a way!

kristinabrooke — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:47:52 -0500

Moms need to get a way! Don't feel bad about doing so either. It's one of the ways we keep our sanity and our identities outside of mommyhood.

Kristina Brooke

Email: kristina {AT} kristinabrooke {DOT} org

Gtalk: momontherise@gmail.com

Twitter: @momontherise

You may be on to something

cutiebootycakes — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:23:24 -0500

My son is two also so perhaps that does make a difference. Although he usually cries when Daddy leaves my mom said he was just happy to be with her and did not blink when his father left. I suppose I will have to watch and see how things go as he gets older. Cutie Booty Cakes

I think that it depends on your kid(s)

kdc521 — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:19:41 -0500

I don't like to travel a lot without my kids. Honestly, I don't think that my younger son (2) would really care if I did. He's very independent/in the moment. Also, he's 2, so he doesn't really "get" the concept of time periods. My older son (5) is very attached though. His father just went away for 5 nights - the longest that either of us has been away from our kids- and it was really difficult for him. That was the main reason that I didn't go to BlogHer this year - both of us being away at the same time would not have been good for him. Who knows though? He probably won't care when he gets older...

Besides the kids, I'm simply not a huge traveling fan. Three nights at a time is the tops that I like to be away from my own bed.

As long as the mom and kid(s) are happy though, I say "travel on, traveling moms"...

Your experience is not what

sandycrochet — Mon, 18 May 2009 20:35:25 -0500

Your experience is not what I've seen, heard, or been apart of. I'm now grandmother age; though not yet a grandmother. I've expereinced mothers who do not plan their travel time around nap, bring nothing to entertain the baby/child and really don't seem to understand how their sweet little one has everyone on the plane wanting a stiff drink because they have a headache; or irritated because they couldn't work for the noise. Or...the mothers that change a dirty diaper on their lap when seating in the middle seat and really think thats ok. It's not. I am a mother, I love children; but adults to have the right of peaceful, restful, or work filled travel.

I would say you're very lucky, and also very tuned into what works for your child, and put that need above conveniant of time travel for yourself or getting a cheaper ticket come hell or high water.

I hope your husband loosens up a bit with allowing others to babysit. Children need to be exposed to people who are non family. Sometimes, they do better with others in fact.

Interesting read

Sandy

traveling with babies/toddlers

Susan Getgood — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:26:44 -0500

My son was a big baby, so even for his first plane flight at 9 months, we had to have a seat for him. Which turned out to be a blessing, because we learned that he had the same reaction to the car seat on the plane as he did in the car -- he nearly always fell asleep immediately.

That worked until; about 2.5 or 3. That's when we got the portable DVD player, which was our constant travel companion until he was in elementary school. Now we still bring it occasionally, but he's just as happy with his Nintendo DS and a few magazines.