BlogHer - anger - Comments

Anger Issue was about his MOM

burnsrunner — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:22:40 -0500

We did pretty good about our arguments, but we lit the torches when ever his mom came up as subject. This went on for a while, and I knew that neither one of us would ever survive this war. Then on day, a good friend of mine passed me a lifesaver. "The Mother-In-Law Manual." It's amazing how well this book worked. We both ended up reading it.

Why didn't I ever think of it before? I was always so focused on what was wrong, that I didn't stop to try making things right.

If there is anyone else dealing with a bad mother-in-law relationship, the solution is this book.

The Mother-In-Law Manual by Susan Lieberman.

Wow

magsmadison — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:16:19 -0500

You hit the nail on the head. I agree expectations and control have something to do with the anger, but so does the role some of us are forced to play along with our breadwinning significant others. The bottom line issue is: communication. It's ironic how easy it is to write about, but truly it is always the root cause of the anger. For some of the other commenters who are not getting it: they must have good communication and get their needs met before the anger and resentment sets in. Good for them. However, even if I am in a relationship with good communication, I am one sister who has been there and I do feel ya'll.

I'm not understanding the anger

She Who — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:10:29 -0500

and I'm not understanding your individualist response to it, at least as 'feminism.' I understand rejecting negativity, and I'm sure that's easier. Perfecting things beyond your control is a long row to hoe. But how does that bear on interpersonal anger? Are you saying that there's no objective reason for women to be angry?

Women's natural, ordinate, and organized anger created the feminist movement that produced the freedoms we struggle with now. But until we understood patriarchy as a structure, as well as as a 'thought construct', there was no potential for change. It didn't (and doesn't) depend on the personal 'niceness' or not of our husbands, any more than the personal niceness of a boss makes a statement about the value of collective bargaining in industry. It's just not relevant to the discussion, if you're using a class analysis, and if you aren't, what aspect is feminist?

Perhaps one of the reasons I haven't had to reapportion anger after becoming a mother is that I've always seen my relationship with my children as separate from my relationship with my husband. I chose children very deliberately, and, although there are times I'm disappointed in their behavior, I didn't experience any of the 'loss of freedom' I'm seeing described. Maybe I was just understanding my freedom differently. I've loved the closeness and challenge of getting to know each new infant and moving with their changes as they grow and that relationship has always been independent of my relationship with my husband. If I'd seen them as 'part' of our relationship I might have experienced it differently.

Where my husband and I have had 'family related' stress has mostly been as he misses some of his opportunity to parent these marvelous kids. He gets bogged down in the dailies. I definitely blame patriarchy for that, but he's an adult, and has to take responsibility for continuing his patriarchal patterns. I know this is a chance that only comes for a short space of our lives, and it won't come again. It only makes sense to enjoy it now, and he has some trouble understanding that. Other sources of stress just aren’t related to the shared role as ‘parents’, and we deal with those as they come up.

I get angry occasionally, and he does too. But this bottled rage/resentment thing...not getting it.

Touched a nerve

littlebridget — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 13:30:15 -0500

I totally agree with all of this. When my daughter was a baby I was a single parent for a while. My partner came into our lives and is a wonderful father, but I found it hard to let go of the reigns and still do to a great extent. Sharing the responsibility sounds wonderful and seems a solution to an overworked, overfraught mother. The reality is much more complicated. Sharing the responsibilty means sharing the control and is something I find difficult. Being alone for a while meant I had to rely on myself and learnt to only trust myself. I had a conversation with my partner only a couple of weeks ago during which I asked if he'd cleaned the bathroon (as I'd asked him to), he replied that he had but with anti-bac wipes. I complained that wasn't how to clean a bathroom and he pointed out that just because it wasn't the way I do it didn't mean it was wrong! He was right, and I'm still coming to terms with it. It's hard, sharing, means trusting in them and accepting that they may not do it how you would and thats ok!

Yes, to everything you said

AmberS — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:34:56 -0500

I've been through an interesting experience lately. My husband went from being a freelancer to having a full-time job. And I'm on my year-long maternity leave. While he's always worked, it's much different now. Our roles are very traditional all of a sudden, and I understand the resentment much more.

All the same, it's a choice for us to live this way. And we have to own our choices, and stop keeping score and comparing. I want to still like my husband at the end of this parenting gig, after all.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Well said, Rita!

Atena — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 18:14:28 -0500

I think one of the most important things you've hit upon is that women have to give up the denigration and infantilization of men in their lives. All too often women direct comments toward me about how women do all of the work and fathers are hilariously bumbling idiots, and I have to tell them that my husband is the one who is able to do school drop-off and pick-up, laundry, cleaning, dinner, budget balancing and whatever else our family need, while I'm at work. I tell them that's his job, he's good at it, and honestly, better at balancing it all than I ever was. And I am so grateful.

Dropping the competition is key. Tit for tat leads nowhere fast. Sure, I've got occasional reasons to be irritated - I don't get as much time alone as I'd like, but it's my job to ask for what I need or want. It took me a while to realize that I really am responsible for communicating my needs.

Thanks for this post!

Assumptions, Biases & Irrational Fantasies

Thoughtful post

charmcitymom — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:51:46 -0500

...so true. I think the other element is that, along with the anger, we have to let go of our own guilt at taking and using the freedom to go to the gym, take a nap, whatever. Often I find myself feeling bad about doing those things while I'm doing them. Then it feels like I didn't get the time at all...

Visit me at Charm City Moms: http://www.baltimoresun.com/charmcitymoms

been there

BeautifulWreck — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:09:47 -0500

I remember being really angry after I had our first child with my husband. I saw his going to work like a vacation from the responsibilities of home. As she got older, it lessened but then when we added more children to our family, I became resentful once again. Sometimes I wonder if I was angry with him or angry more with myself because this was what I had wanted to do and it was not like I had imagined it would be. There was a lot of guilt on my part for feeling this way, and he just didn't get it.

Now that our family is complete, I am finding it easier to "escape" and the freedom to pursue the things I want to do that do not include my children. My husband also makes it a priority to give me free time, even if it means cutting his short. At times it is a real balancing act.

Kim

Beautiful Wreck

http://lotsoflaundry.blogspot.com/

Don't feel bad, Erin.

Rita Arens — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 12:11:54 -0500

I'm glad Catherine kicked off the discussion with her honesty. I think we all want to be free of the anger, but mashadutoit said, it's more comforting to hug it to us than to confront it.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

ugh

Erin Kotecki Vest — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 12:00:43 -0500

I love this topic (and hate it) because I'm still in angry mode.

I resent that my husband seems so much better able to "let it go" when it comes to the guilt associated with parenting. When I travel, I feel like I have to "make up for it" by being wonder mom. He is gone every single day for 14-16 hours and it seems like there is zero guilt.

Of course that's not true, but he just handles it so much differently than I do. and my jealousy leads to resentment.

bah. grrrr. ugh.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain

fabulous

mashadutoit — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:28:23 -0500

Words of wisdom!

This is a great post. I am married, but no children, and you know, it applies to me just as much as anyone. I love how you describe the state of being angry and not being able to pull out of it, because any suggestions for how you could improve, just seem like criticisms, or indications that your situation is not being taken seriously.

I also love how you describe the change in attitude from drugery to "just getting it done"

I have a long way to go, but I have at least realized that it is unfair to be angry at people and seeth with rightful resentment, but not give them a fair chance to state their side of the story.

Thats really tough and it takes guts to do it. Its so comforting to simply hug your anger to yourself.

Recognizing Anger

Zinglady — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:50:13 -0500

I love how you looked at yourself and took control of the situation. I think we often feel so guilty about anger that we don't even want to look at it, and then it just continues to rear its ugly head. I just wrote an article about the benefits of showing anger to our children (I'm having trouble enabling the hyperlink button), you can find it the site listed below.

Emily Geizer

find parenting tips and advice at www.childperspective.com

It wasn't always sunshine and roses.

Rita Arens — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:31:56 -0500

I think I'm able to write about this now because I recognize I was very angry before and why. I also see now that it wasn't really my husband with whom I was angry: it was the situation.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

loved your take on it

supa — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:27:45 -0500

I have a lot of friends in the same angry boat. Somehow I seem to have escaped the angry -- my husband and I don't keep score, either. Makes a world of difference. Excellent post.

Anger

conb1977 — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:25:22 -0500

Constance blogs at Single and Blessed where she blogs about trying to balance work, kids, and dreams.

I love this post on anger. I feel angry all the time and I think being a single mom makes it worse. but i try to slow it down and look at the positive things too. But it can be hard.