BlogHer - Gender - Comments

Not just a women's issue

Devra Renner — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:34:32 -0600

This isn't just a woman's issue in the military. Single fathers also face this problem as do joint spouse couples (these are parents who are both active duty, and may not even be in the same branch of the armed forces).

There are quite a few moving pieces when it comes to deployments. I have encountered many instances when communication breakdown is the culprit. However, I have also encountered my fair share of hardass commanders who have a "it sucked for me, so it will suck for you" mentality. I've also known soldiers to avoid their careplan for the purpose of evading deployment. Then again, I have known soldiers whom have put a careplan together only to find out the folks they designated have had a change in circumstance and are no longer able to care for their child.

This is the first I've heard of the military placing a child in foster care due to a failed family care plan. My husband has been active duty for 22 years, so I think I've been around the block a time or two. Not to say it doens't happen, obviously it does.

I think this situation brings to light that this war is stressful on families and we need appropriate programs and services for military members who deploy and servicemembers and their families must be able to access these programs and services easily and quickly.

While the typical military family in the past was identified as "active duty" and their wife/husband and kids, we now have a much broader pool of people which includes National Guard and Reservists, their families and their extended families and friends. Because the reality is that some service members don't have family members who are able to take on the responsibility for childcare while they are deployed and often these folks rely on "chosen families" who could be located anywhere in the world.

As these wars progress, more "Purple" services are being developed, meaning there is a concentrated effort across the Department of Defense to make services and programs equally available to each branch of service. But like any govermental undertaking, it's going to be slow and bumpy until it's well underway.

But to the military's credit, they are addressing mental health issues in ways they had never done even 10 years ago. I would hate for one awful situation to make is appear as if the military is utterly unresponsive. They are trying, but it's really a new world for them in many ways and I think we do need to give acknowledgement to their efforts, even if they aren't perfect. But coming from 22 years of experience, specifically working with military families for much of it, and being one myself, I see progress being made.

www.parentopia.com/blog

I can fault the ARMY,

Leighbra — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:16:21 -0600

I can fault the ARMY, because this story made my blood run cold and tears fill my eyes.

When I was 18, I was a single teen mom. I tested very well on the ASVAB, and was recruited very hard by the Army, AF, and especially the NAVY.

Not a single one blinked when I said that I had an infant daughter at home, and was unmarried. The words I heard all the time, even when I asked who would take care of my daughter if I were to be deployed was "There are lots of single mothers in the military, we take care of our own."

I felt in my core then that it was too risky to sign papers and take that as truth, and this shows me that my intuition may have been correct. I felt a strong desire and call to serve, but couldn't imagine leaving my daughter behind.

Denise of course raises some good points, there was probably more the mother could have done to prepare for this situation. But I was assured that me worrying about the affects on my young daughter if I were to be deplolyed were unfounded. They're obviously were not

I'm not faulting the Army

Morra Aarons Mele — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:58:09 -0600

I'm faulting a social system in which the way we work and parent has changed, but the support systems in place, be they civilian or military, have not.

I looked up what an Army Specialist makes- roughly $24k a year, it seems. That doesn't leave you with many options...

Morra Aarons-Mele
www.womenandwork.org

I disagree Morra

Denise — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:10:08 -0600

Your opening paragraph has no factual basis. The rules apply for all members of the armed forces. If you are a parent, it is your duty to make sure that your family is prepared for you to deploy (or to be called into work at any moment.)

This applies to everyone, male and female - single or married.

To suggest, without any statistics to back it up, that this would not have happened to a man is taking the cry of "partriarchy" a wee bit too far, even for me.

I also take issue with this:

(and, Morra’s note, the Hyde Amendment that rules that no federal funds be used to pay for abortions means she would have had few options had she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, anyway. She had to keep the baby, and she had to provide for the baby. She is mother and provider.)

While I'm a huge supporter of federal funds for abortion, she did have options. She could have paid for her abortion out of her own pocket, as many women do. She could also have given her child up for adoption. I'm not faulting her for NOT doing either one of those, I support her choice to carry to term and parent her child. But your suggestion that she had few choices is false. She had the same choices that any other woman has.

A family care plan is required for a very good reason - to prevent a parent from having to deploy and leave a child without care. To be a parent without a legitimate care plan is outrageous. When her mother originally agreed to be on the care plan, did she not then realize just what that meant? Did she think it was just a piece of paper and it would never happen? What, exactly, were these women thinking? The US Army deploys people. Even when we aren't fighting war(s).

I've been the person listed on family care plans for single soldiers (both single moms and single dads.) I've taken care of children when their parents were deployed. One child in particular lived with my family more than she lived with her mom during a rough year in Panama. Her mom also made sure that if something had happened and I was not able to care for her child - there was a back up to me. And I believe there was a third back up, just in case. At the time, I took it for granted that every single parent in the military did this. Apparently not.

It's a difficult situation to be in. I realize that. But, when you join the military you're told that you may be deployed quickly and you MUST have a family care plan in place - they mean it. You must do this or you put your child at risk - not to mention your career.

It's impossible to know what type of assistance her unit provided to her prior to this incident. She may not have asked for more help. She may have asked for help and not received it. She may have asked for help and then not taken it. At this point, I can't fault the US Army. They followed orders.

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Nail. Head.

FerociousKitty — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:49 -0600

"Since I don't want to live in a world where women are made to feel guilty if they work and men are not expected to have real responsibility in raising the kiddies, I'm down with the idea that more men want to share custody of their kids. The key is to make sure that women are not punished for working while men are rewarded for changing an extra diaper or two every week. But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong. It doesn't serve working parents, stay-at-home parents, or most importantly, the kids."

This really bore repeating!

Let's advocate for change in a broken system and give a damn because that system flagrantly subscribes to biased notions about gender and parenting that do a disservice to men, women, and children.

The Faster Times - Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting 101

We are all unknow til our story is told

Vita lingus — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:03:17 -0600

This is perfect timing by the way snigdhasen your story will be told as well mark my words.. Your days in the sun are coming..... I wil be in touch

Vita

Big releases current issues and women's tenacity

Vita lingus — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:01:10 -0600

That is a tricky business indeed but given the issues that are affecting Indian students here at the moment .. It would be an opportune moment for Megan and this film to get a good release .....

As an aside for those state side Megan has quite a body of work in the industry as an editor ..

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0232432/

The fact Megan got it up is extraordinary as your wrote it produced was the cinematographer

and directed it ..So that is a passionate tenacious act in it's self really and just another woman who is following her dream and living it........

vita

Wow!

snigdhasen — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:05:02 -0600

That's pretty cool, Nita! Why don't you leave a link here of your post and her comment? It would be very interesting to read about policing and what she has to say. I will go hunt for your post on your blog.

She seemed very accessible at the screening. She asked me to email her with further questions. I did, but never heard back, though :) I am guessing they are very busy with more screenings, etc. The filmmaker did not reply either.

Building character?

snigdhasen — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:56:30 -0600

Yes, that's Bedi! As Doneman said at the screening. There were several times during the filming that she wanted to hang up her boots, give up and head home. But she couldn't give up when she was making a movie about a woman who never gives up!

You should have seen Ms Bedi at the screening. I think she thinks of Doneman as her sister now :)

Thank you

snigdhasen — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:52:42 -0600

Vita, thanks and you are always welcome. I hope you get a chance to watch this film. Doneman has already won awards for this film Down Under :) I will be surprised if she doesn't get a wide Australian release.

Kiran is an icon

Nitajk — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:21:56 -0600

I am admirer of Kiran Bedi. And do you know that when I wrote a post on the policing, she actually came to my blog and left a comment? I am still thrilled about it! Just shows her temperament, she likes to reach out to people and such people always do things for others.

Nita

My childs Father

CJK — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:34:44 -0600

I am pregnant and my childs father and I broke up due to his hobbies. He liked to get on sex websites like Fling.com and adultfriendfinder he clamied he never cheated but I am not so sure he texted sexual pictures to other women and some how it was my fault. He has two other children from a previous marriage that ended badly. I moved to Utah which is where I met him but I am from the east coast. I feel bad for leaving him but I can't stay in Utah to raise a baby alone. I have no family in Utah so moving east seems like the best option for me and my little baby on the way. I even tried to work things out with him but feel he places me on the back burner for everything. He is going through a bankrupsty due to his ex wife not paying on the house and car he gave her in his divorce. He blames those problems on the things he has done but I am to the point where I can't stay in a place while I'm pregnant with no support from the father. I'm 22 and he is 35 so I expected him to be more mature about things. I admit I have fought with him and started arguments but I'm frustrated with his flat out disrespect of me and that he says our baby is not real yet. I am worried I can get in trouble for leaving the state while I am pregnant or if I am causing my baby not to have a father by leaving but I am alone in this state I have no one other than him and he isn't there for me.

Bravo!

Kasey — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:08:29 -0600

Women are a lot stronger then some might think... Even strong then most of the men I know!

I give kudos to Sgt Munley and her courageousness in taking down the shooter!

I have deployed to Iraq two times and both missions I have seen more women in my unit step up to the plate in certain conditions, more so better then the men serving along side us. I have always been a believer that women should do front line combat. They are just as capable as men are.... BUT at the same rate I can understand exactly why the Military/Government does not allow it.

Respect isn't a given.

butters88 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:01:47 -0600

I realize this is incredibly outdated, but the first thing that struck me is that most comments are from women saying more or less what you'd expect about women getting screwed in a man's world (I don't meant that as offensive, just to summarize generally what I've read). There is a very basic thing here that nobody ever seems to pick up on Palin. People only paint her as a victim because she is a woman. If everything else stayed the same, but she were just a man instead, favourable opinion of her would be even LOWER. Call it sexist, call it biology, but men resect pretty women more.

But men also understand that respect is earned, not a given. There is the basic repect for fellow Man (as in human, not just men) but when someone has power who shouldn't and is making a move for more power, they will be torn down. Women have this assumption that men just tear down women because their women. False. Men are even more vicious to other men. Only growing up, men have become accustomed to it. Girls, on the other hand, who are considered sacred are sheltered from criticism growing up and are unprepared for it.

Basic fact about Palin, I find her annoying with that constant goofy smile, her annoying accent, constant reference to herself as a "Maverick" and acting like she's some revolutionary changing the political world. But listen to ANY interview with her. She can't answer simple questions and ANY criticism of her that is read back to her is the fault of the person commenting on her. She attempts to discredit the person to discredit the argument.

It isn't about her being a woman in a man's world (that whole idea makes me want to vomit, how bad women have it. but sorry, thats for another day.) its about her being an idiot in a world that needs better. Hilary isn't better because she's a liberal, but because she's intelligent and articulate.