BlogHer - Single - Comments

I'm pretty sure I don't want

abgirl — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 23:21:07 -0500

I'm pretty sure I don't want kids. I don't like the idea of interrupting my life to worry about someone else', I've never enjoyed being around children for prolonged periods of time, I still want to be able to go out and have fun, etc.

The problem is, more and more people feel the same way I do and it's causing a huge problem in North America. We now have an aging population and a dwindling number of young people to pay in to social security. This doesn't seem like my problem, of course, but so many people are making this decision that it's going to affect me and everyone else at some point. It's a big reason that our governments are forced to go into so much debt.

In some ways I am uncomfortable with the way our society has become so individual-focused. I'm just not quite sure that the idea that only an individual knows what is right for him/her and that no one else is allowed to judge the decisions they make is such a good thing. I think a lot of people are inferring from that attitude that they should simply do "what's right for them" and not worry about how it affects other people in their society.

Like, it's almost funny to me that people actually choose whether or not they will ever have children. As if it's like deciding to buy a house or get a university degree; it's something you only think of in terms of how it will affect your life when it really affects everyone, not just the people around you but your society at large. Now is probably the only time ever that propagating the human species has been seen as an individual choice, as something you can take or leave. As far as our bodies are concerned it's the whole reason for existing. And, um, the human race sort of depends on it.

Having said all of that, I'm still a selfish human being and it's my preference not to have to bother with raising children, and thanks to contraception I have the luxury of having that option. Ultimately I will make a decision based on my own circumstances and priorities. I guess I just hope that other people don't make the same decision.

I just figure I know I'm

abgirl — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:49:41 -0500

I just figure I know I'm going to be with my partner forever, so I may as well throw a party, invite my friends and family and celebrate it because it'd be fun. If you don't feel marriage is for you, I wouldn't argue with you. But just because two people are married does not mean they're only together because they *have* to be. Not to mention that even if you only live together without being married, your lives still become entangled with each other's and it doesn't make the decision to end the relationship any easier. My friend's parents were unmarried and decided to split up after 20 odd years together. It was just as messy as any divorce I've seen. Their lives were still entangled with one another's. Sure, the kids complicated things, but they also had to fight over finances and the stuff they had bought together, etc. And it was certainly just as emotional as if they were married--how does it not hurt not to end a 20-year relationship? It's the commitment that complicates things, not the ring or the piece of paper.

I didn't think I would ever want to get married until my partner started hinting at it. I still think I'd be just as happy staying with him unmarried if that's what he wanted, but I like the idea of marriage. For one, it's a social thing. Getting our family and friends together to celebrate how much we love each other just seems...nice. And my family, for cultural reasons would prefer me to be married (as opposed to just living with someone). I'd be just as committed to my partner either way, so why not?

I know what I would do

FabGrandma — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:14:50 -0500

because it happened to me. I was 46 when I was laid off from a place I had worked for 20 years. At first, I was sad about it, then I though, "this is the best thing that ever happened to me." My husband and I sold our house, bought a travel trailer, and started traveling around, working at campgrounds and resorts. We did that for 7 years, then last year, I landed my dream job as a park ranger for the National Park Service. I love my job, it is seasonal, so I am off for 6 months out of the year and free to travel. We budget and pinch pennies all year in order to do this, but there is so much less stress in our lives it doesn't matter.

Read the latest at http://fabgrandma.blogspot.com/

Change and Transition

JChandler — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:57:51 -0500

It was good to read the depth to which you explored your choices and the thoughtful way you examined what may be happening to others after losing their job.

Every change involves a transition and people go through a process that is triggered by the event or decision. If it is voluntary, like you previously experienced, the transition may be easier due to those safety nets and pre-planning you spoke about. If it was beyond your control, as it is for many right now, the process can move through many stages that are not unlike the stages of grief.

You said it well in that "some job losses are blessing in disguise." I have seen that many times in the years I have worked with clients in career counseling. Finding support and good resources to make that change/transition work for you is the key. (that and good friends)

Thank you for exploring this topic. I believe it always helpful for people to know they are not alone in their job loss and the feelings/questions that surround it.
Good post!

I recently lost my job

AmberS — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:48:46 -0500

I did recently lose my job. It's not nearly as bad as it could be because I'm Canadian and I'm on maternity leave right now which doesn't end until August. I will continue to receive my maternity benefits until my return to work date. Then I will be laid off, but I will be collecting severance. I worked for the company for over 9 years, so I have a fair safety net.

I'm hoping this will be a blessing in disguise. I'm planning to change careers and re-jig my life. I'm not happy that I was laid off, but I am hoping to make the best of it and maybe I will be able to look back on it later and say it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

It is a kick in the pants, though, getting that phone call. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Safety net

Erin White — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:05:34 -0500

Fortunately, I am at the point where I have have no debt except for my mortgage, and I've been able to save a "safety net" of my own. That plus severance would allow me a considerable time before things became ugly. I've actually considered taking the time to get a masters and re-entering the job market doing something else entirely.

Of course, ideally it won't happen, but if it does, I can honestly say that I am prepared to make the best of it.

Erin

The Single Rider - about being single

My Mobile Adventures *~*~* - mobile/photo blogging

The Game

Bill Cammack — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 07:17:38 -0500

The way "The Game" works is that guys are attempting to demonstrate to gals how they're going to be taken care of IF they select this particular guy as their boyfriend/husband/whatever. This is why guys need to pay when they go on dates. They need to demonstrate that they can afford her.

At the same time.. If the woman wants to be respected in the relationship, she needs to demonstrate that she's not a bum or a leech. If she wants to have equality or whatever in a relationship, she can't afford for the guy to feel like "I'm paying the bills, so I run the house". This is why a lot of women insist on paying.

Another reason women should pay is if you don't want to give the signal that the guy is buying you. I know it sounds antiquated, but the fact remains to this day that some guys feel like when they spend X amount of $$$ on a gal, she owes him (generally meaning sex, or at least a good-night kiss). Paying your half indicates that nobody owes anyone anything and we've both chipped in for this fun and fantastic evening we spent together.

Having said all that.. I went out with a friend just last night (not a date), who's just been downsized. I happen to have more work than I want these days, so there was NO WAY I was going to let her pay for anything while I'm currently living large and she's scrambling for work.

I think it also makes a difference how much money each person makes in general. If I'm out to dinner/drinks with a woman and I'm pulling out cash while she tosses a 'black card' on the table, I might very well end up keeping my (relative) pennies in my pocket, because my meal was a drop in the bucket to her. Same thing for me if I know that a gal makes infinitely less money than I do.. I'm likely to pick up the tab off of general principle.

So, it's a good question, Z, and a complicated issue. People tend to read more into who pays than is really there. Some guys are insulted when women try to pay, because they believe the man should pay, regardless. Some women are insulted when men try to pay, because they believe they're trying to subjugate or demean them.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

I agree with Bill on this point -

Erin White — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 06:31:26 -0500

- that the guys upon whom "The Rules" actually work are highly maleable. If that's what you want, ply "The Rules" on every guy you meet until you find the guy that responds favorably to them. He's your man. On the other hand, if you want someone with a little more backbone than that, follow Liz's mom's advice!

Erin

on being single - The Single Rider

mobile photo blogging - My Mobile Adventures *~*~*

Amen!

Liz Rizzo — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 18:55:13 -0500

If you are going to follow a rule, here's one that I've always found handy from all the way back when I was a teenager and my mother passed it along: BE YOURSELF.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Playing games

Beth Engel — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 14:04:42 -0500

I never liked playing games. I find it sad that women are advised to invest so much effort into not being themselves.

My mame is Beth Engel. I've been running my own online business, Epic Merchandise, where I sell personalized, engraved gifts, since 2003.

Agreed!

Zandria — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 12:07:48 -0500

I'd much rather know than not know. I've always been that way, and not just in this kind of situation. :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

I certainly agree!

Zandria — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 12:06:21 -0500

Thanks so much for confirming a guy's perspective on this, Bill. I know that I get frustrated when guys do this to me, but I was pretty certain that guys must feel the same way when women do it. :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

ITA

luiyuming — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:33:51 -0500

It's just a waste of time to play by the rules. I've a girlfriend who doesn't like making the first move with a very new boyfriend so she's kind of always wondering when he will call and why doesn't he call. It's exciting for a teensy while but it gets old after a while.I say, just call him! Or if he is mysterious for a prolonged period of time, just dump him!!

Yu Ming

Beauty Box

Good Luck With That! :D

Bill Cammack — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:15:51 -0500

First of all, "The Rules" doesn't work AT. ALL. .... I mean, the techniques WORK, but what happens is the only guys willing to go for that garbage are weak, desperate or BOTH. All women do with these gimmicks is weed out interesting men that they might have a good time with.

Second, "hard to get" only works in a vaccum. As long as there are other women that look just as good as you do and are EASIER to get, you're out of luck. Enjoy your Haagen-Dazs on the couch while the woman who's willing to go with the flow is out on the town with the guy that called you BEFORE he called her.

Also, the impression you give off with these primitive tactics is that you're NOT. INTERESTED. ... "The Rules" depends on guys keeping chasing gals who are feigning disinterest. Good luck with that.

Another problem is that the better guys can pick up gals any day or every day. Playing hard to get assumes that he's going to turn an eye in your direction ever again in life after he extends the offer to you to have a good time with him and you decline.

Finally (and I could go on about this topic for days, as I have here, here and here...), playing hard to get begins a cycle of deception. You act like you don't want me and then I act like I REALLY want you just to bring you up to the level of "doing the right thing". Once I have you "akkin' right", I can quit faking it because I already got what I wanted as many times as I wanted it. This is one of the reasons why women are surprised when they get dumped all of a sudden. They were so sure they had their man wrapped around their finger, but he was just countering your technique with one from his own repertoire. *yawn*

It's a much better idea to show interest when you HAVE interest and don't "play" hard to get, but rather BE hard to get when it's a guy you're actually not interested in. The guy should appreciate your honesty, give you credit for it and treat you with respect. If he can't do that much, you just picked the wrong guy.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Thank You!

zomper216 — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 13:58:13 -0500

Thank you so much for responding to this ridiculous article! I know so many co-workers who do not want to have children due to the fact that as children's therpists we see day in and day out parents who should not have had children and the fallout from this. We are always commenting that we are probably the women who SHOULD be having children, but choose not to simply because we want to use our skills and education to help those with children. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I am sharing this with my co-workers on Monday!