BlogHer - Law - Comments

What about single mothers?

ALittleToTheLeft — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 10:15:11 -0600

Shannonr - I agree with everything you said in your comment. This is a subject that I know something about. When I was 23 years old, I was divorced with a small child. My ex-husband never paid a dime in child support and even escaped to another country for a while to prevent being caught by the courts. For a short time, while my son was under 2 years old, I lived with my parents and got a small amount from welfare on a monthly basis (to be exact, it was $34.50) a month!

Being on welfare is not the day at the beach that some people seem to think it is. At that time, I was expcted to visit the welfafre office to review my status on a weekly basis. I imaging this process is much like having to go to the unemployment office every week to show that you ARE still unemployed and are REALLY looking for work. I was treated with disdain by the state employess there simply BECAUSE I was on welfare. It was demoralizing. I was grilled as to how I was spending that $34.50 a month (uh, let's see - Pampers?). I tried to qualify for a work incentive program wherein I could receive training for some kind of job and work toward my independence from welfare. I was turned down. I was told, "No. You need to stay home and take care of your son."

So what was I to do? I was 23 years old, I had completed 3 years of college (which equates to NO years of college unless you actually complete your degree program). I was living with my parents and during that time my mother passed away. I was miserable and depressed. Was I the best mother to my son at that time? I don't know. But what I DID know was that I was never going to be a really good mother if I was not happy in my own life. So I threw down the gauntlet, went off welfare, took out loans and got some scholarships and went back to school to finish my degree. I took my two and a half year old son with me and took steps to turn my life around. I completed my degree in one year taking 21 credit hours of course work in the first semester, getting a full time job in between semesters and taking another 18 credit hours the second semester while working full time. I also, cared for my son, did the grocery shopping, cooked, cleaned the house, did the laundry, dealt with the bills, saw to it that my son had a good living environment & a good baby-sitter situation, read to him, played with him, loved him, nursed him when he was sick and taught him the importance of family. Although I was not married for a long time, I did not change my last name back to my maiden name for my son's sake. I felt his life would be less confusing for him as he went through the early school years if he and I had the same last name. Meanwhile my ex-husband was traveling the world, smoking pot and selling it, and pretty much living a fancy free life. Which one of us was more detrimental to the family?

Was it always easy for us? No. Did my son suffer for it? Maybe, a little. But I can tell you this, he learned a lot about work ethic and money management. He learned a lot about community and charity because as broke as we were for much of those first few years, we always donated his outgrown clothes and even some ofi his toys. We lived in a community of university students who were all in pretty much the same situation as us - so we worked together as a community babysitting for each others kids, helping to feed our kids together when things were really tough and lending emotional support when any one of us was crumbling under the pressure.

The people who make statements like Bob McDonnell's live in a bubble. They live in a "Leave it to Beaver" existence. Hey Bob, you think working mothers are detrimental to the family. What do you think of deadbeat dads, or abusive dads, or alcoholic dads, or just plain absent dads? What contibution are they making for the strength of the family unit in our society?

Feedback

shannonr — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:57:56 -0600

First of all, thank you for an article which I felt like was very well written. I didn't feel like it was an expression one way or the other of political belifs but your feedback on Bob McDonnell.

My response to people who question whether or not working women are detrimental to the family is this: it's not working women who are detrimental to the family, it's the lack of support by many companies, for working parents (men or women, I was raised by a single dad) that is detrimental to families. I am lucky enough to work for a company and in a position where flex time is completely available and up to me to use how I need. If I need to leave early for a football game, no problem, at the end of the day, they are more concerned that my job is done than from where I am doing it. But, I work as an HR Consultant and what I see 95% of the time is the absolute opposite. Most businesses are obsessed with their employees being at work the minute the clock strikes 8 and not leaving one second before it turns 5 pm or later. Flex time is not an option, it's still seen as cheating the company by many executives, even though technically salaried employees are paid to do a job, not based on the hours they work.

I have three teenagers, our after school schedule is hectic. My husband works offshore and is gone for 4 days at a time. It would not do me a lot of good to sit at home and do laundry while my kids are in school all day, and I wouldn't ultimately be happy. After years of fighting and inching along for equality in various areas for women, do we really want to force women to choose between having a family or having a career? I went back to school a few years ago and got an MBA while my kids were younger. I didn't need to do it at the time, but I feel like higher education is important for women and I really want a Master's degree. But the idea that women still have to defend their decisions to have a professional, working life, makes me a little crazy.

My bigger goal as a working parent, is that my kids know that I am here for them, and that I am able to make school plays, ensure the homework is done, and that I am engaged with them, working or not.

For many women, and many families, having one parent at home is not an option for various reasons. So, I come back to the idea that working women are not detrimental to the family. Working parents with no support system at all are a bigger issue.

I think I wrote more than I planned, a little rambling!

The funny thing? My boss, who is the VP of my division, is a female excutive whose husband is an attorney but now a full time stay at home dad. :)

The Dems are not in trouble

Karen Joy — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 07:19:19 -0600

If you listened to people coming out of the polls, these elections were dealing with the people that were running their state, not the President nor their representatives. It will be next year's elections that could possibly tell a story on whether or not the Dems are in trouble. Hurrah, the House Health Bill was passed!

I hope you know

NOfreelunch — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:51:08 -0600

...that this will go down on your permanent record. Oh yeah? --Violent Femmes

Ugh. I'm in too good of a mood right now to get started talking about the health care bill. It makes me angry.

Good column, AP. And last week's was probably my favorite out of any so far. Truly awesome. Thanks.

Leasing versus owing.

BrownPaper — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:33:02 -0600

Hmmm. I can think of books that own me, body and soul, and I would like the relationship to be mutual. No leasing, please.

But seriously, I find the teasing apart of the reading experience and the text itself really murky. Surely part of the pleasure of reading is the feeling of ownership--the notion (however imaginary) that the book was written for you, by an author who understood you? And don't authors strive to make that connection? Leasing versus owning a book makes reading seem like such a distant activity--a lease, by definition, is time-bound. I suppose one could argue that there's a parallel with film--we make emotional connections with films we see but don't own--but IMO, reading is a different animal, demanding a different sort of commitment from the reader. But maybe this is all just me.

Niranjana Iyer

http://niranjana.wordpress.com

Part of the problem right now with e-readers

sassymonkey — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:25:21 -0600

Is that they are still pretty proprietary. There needs to be a more open option, though Sony seems to be moving that way with their adoption of the e-pub format. I think they'll get there eventually.

I never could read books on my laptop. I tried. It gave me a wicked headache.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

Not right now, no

sassymonkey — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:19:52 -0600

Basically when we buy an e-book we're well, leasing it. We're buying the right to read it and move it to various devices but we don't own it.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

I know the pain

KatieBeez — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 05:22:42 -0600

of trying get everything set up for loaning from the library too. I went through the hassle, even though I don't have an eReader yet, I thought maybe I'd read it on my laptop (never did). I think the rights issues are a big mess, and I also noticed not all the books I want to read are even in electronic format. boo.

I want an eReader but I'm trying to wait until the kinks are worked out... and hopefully, a reader that does most everything I want. Egh, I'm getting tired of waiting.

Festivities, why not!

snigdhasen — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:58:58 -0600

Melissa, thank you for stopping by.

From your travels to India (you have a nice blog!) you must have guessed that festivitals and traditions are fundamental to binding us socially. So, it's quite understandable if couples hitherto left out of the fun will want to become part of it as a first step toward social acceptance.

We've been talking about it for a while: now it's taking legal shape. I think we will need parents' counselling badly. They are the ones who struggle real bad when children come out. But as you said, it will take time.

2 cents

melavar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:46:15 -0600

So many times the traditions of our parents, even when steeped in archaic gender role-playing, are still held very dear to us.

Aside from the debate about the reality of the tradition, the community seems to be getting a lot of press. Good for them! India has an incredibly long way to go but, the first step towards equality is getting people to talk about it.

~Melissa

www.2girlsintheworld.blogspot.com

Right.

BrownPaper — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:58:21 -0600

And the right to donate used books--I'm wondering how that works with e-books? Can I pass on a book I no longer want to some other organization/person?

Niranjana Iyer

http://niranjana.wordpress.com

Excellent

Virginia DeBolt — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:21:15 -0500

I went through to Women's Voices for Change and read your most excellent article, then tweeted and stumbled it.

Virginia DeBolt
BlogHer Technology CE | Web Teacher | First 50 Words

I'm glad you went ahead and published

Virginia DeBolt — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:02:59 -0500

You may have missed the exact day, but remember that Oct 24 is coming up and that is the 350.org worldwide event for climate change. Your post is appropriate for both events!

Virginia DeBolt
BlogHer Technology CE | Web Teacher | First 50 Words

Great post Virginia.

Froniga — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:47:43 -0500

Great post Virginia. Frustratingly, my own post was late because I was away for a few days in Ireland (train and ferry, not plane!!) and the automated pre-scheduled publishing didn't work. Anyway, I've now published manually and linked to it above.

Tess
www.anchormast.com
Your house shall not be an anchor but a mast - Khalil Gibran

You are so right

Virginia DeBolt — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 17:06:59 -0500

about the need for people in every country to develop solutions. We're all in this together.

Virginia DeBolt
BlogHer Technology CE | Web Teacher | First 50 Words