BlogHer - parenting teenagers - Comments

hahahaha

Denise — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 08:28:26 -0600

I am laughing again, twice on Election Day (quite the record.)

I have an 18 year old who is often surprised that I haven't done "something" for her. Or who calls me to "do something for her".

Registering to vote is not one of those things, thank goodness.

Still, I laughed - and I can relate to your mother/daugher relationship. :-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

Great advice!

Candelaria Silva — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 14:47:25 -0500

I facilitate parenting classes and I'm definitely going to use your analogy of the hamburger because it is so immediately graspable. I often ask parents to list positive and negative things about teens - the negatives outweigh the positives initially. I then ask them to list all of the issues and challenges in teens lives, all the people who have expectations of them, etc. It helps people see them more clearly and with more understanding.

There are lots of other techniques and discussion starters I use. This post will be helpful. Thanks.

blog.candelariasilva.com

Good and plenty!

Finally...someone who gets them

amyz5 — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:49:57 -0500

Thanks ehenak. I was getting weary of all the teen haters and all that fear.

Hey, we were all teens once. Some of good, some not so. But let's try to stop for a moment and remember those years instead of trying to battle them.

No Need to Fear Teenagers

ehenak — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:36:57 -0500

I currently have one teenage girl (off at college) left and I have been through the teen years of my older daughter too. For the most part, I found the teenage years delightful. (It was 10 and 1/2 to 13 or so that drove me a bit crazy.) I also coach a team of 24 teenagers and find them usually delightful. They can understand your jokes, give interesting feedback, and think deeply about things that you have forgotten to think about or never noticed.

Yes, there can be some power struggles. In general (and your mileage may vary), you can do quite well if you are comfortable with slowly relinquishing control over more and more, if you value a little spunk, if you can control yourself well enough to speak to them respectfully especially when you want to kill them (because actions are better teachers than word), and if you can view yourself as a strict coach even more than a (benevolent?) dictator.

I found it (and find it) very helpful to bite my tongue and say, "How do you plan to deal with that?" rather than "you messed up." They usually know they messed up. I am known for asking, "What is the plan?" and "Have you considered?"

Teenagers are impulsive and need to be taught the habit of thinking their way out of things. Demonstrating it and coaching it goes a long way.

Yes, you may find yourself dealing with a doozy of an issue from time to time. Yes, sometimes as a parent you have to step in and insist. But if that mode is not your first line of success (and if you have a bit of luck--dealing with teenagers often involves a bit of luck), you should be fine.

Oh, and an occasional eyeroll is not fatal. A habit of eyerolls means its time to stand up for yourself as a human being. We don't treat other people that way. Home is where is it MOST important to say "please," "thank you," and "I'm sorry."

And as long as I have my advise hat on---those who are really in control usually can assert it softly.

So funny...

fyreflixie — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:56:22 -0500

My baby is only 17 weeks, still in the womb, and already I am dreading the teenage years. When I was a teen and upset my mother (which I did disconcertingly often), she would scream at me, "I HOPE YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE YOU!!" At the time, I thought this would be a phenomenal idea -- I mean, at least I'd understand the kid -- but now, it seems like the most dire curse that could ever have been laid upon me.

So now, I'm kind of hoping I have a boy. At least then, I won't know what I'm getting in to!

Sons and Daughters

rebellious thinker — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:56:20 -0500

I must admit, with all the foibles and follies, I am so glad that I have daughters. While I talk to my parents on an almost daily basis, my brother seems to have forgotten the telephone number of our childhood home. But, I would so have liked to try to educate the next generation to how to behave with respect and integrity to women. Ah well, my poor students, I am so on them about those lessons.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Relationship with Daughters/hot flashes

moewriter — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:46:41 -0500

I really enjoy my relationship with my daughters as adults. We have good times together (watching movies, discussions, cooking, shopping etc... don't mean to imply a "go out partying with" type of thing). Hope I can say the same when my 16 year old son is in adulthood. Although I do think it is noticeably different with boys - not to get into sexual politics here - but the girls can come back and be little girls with me, cudddle etc. and that will always be, but the boy has got to separate into manhood, he can show some of his old boyish self, but he can never be my little boy again. It's a bittersweet thing.

Here is a little of my experience with hot flashes:

http://www.blogher.com/it-s-my-birthday-and-i-ll-cry-if-i-want

Riders on the Storm

rebellious thinker — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 16:31:15 -0500

Interesting to see how our bodies really are in sync with our minds, or the other way around, or the two are more intertwined than we had thought. Midlife, I am so looking forward to creating a new relationship with my daughters and myself--and that world out there! But not necessarily with hot flashes. But that, too, I shall survive.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Midlife Crises

moewriter — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:39:46 -0500

My two daughters are now in college, my 16 year old out of the house at every opportunity. I feel like my midlife transition started about 10 years ago. I started to notice that i no longer had patience for everybody's, evry little detail of every little story (especially my husband's). I found myself saying "Get to the point! or What's the bottom line here?" a lot of the time. Looking back now, i see that it was the emergence of an urgency to focus on what's important because life is short. And it is "all about me" claiming my life back and deciding how I want to spend its remainder. Crossing the threshold of 50 makes me really want to value my time and energy and spend it carefully and wisely. And it is also about them claiming their own lives too. And I truly do understand the "menopause" years as being very similar in process to the adolescent years of becoming an adult. We've got raging hormones, our bodies are changing, we are re-evaluating everything we've learned so far, claiming our own likes and dislikes, impatient that nobody understands us - It's one helluva ride! Hang on! - but keep going!

Terry Mahoney

www.midriffatmidlife.com

Embrace the teen years

amyz5 — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 22:38:47 -0500

I can honestly say I am a lover of teenagers. The good and the bad of those years. Instead of coming at parenting teens from a combative angle it is best to embrace what they bring to the family. Just like with toddlers no means no means no and a united parent front is key. After that, go with it. I think going with your gut and sticking to it is always the best policy, even when it is not popular.

I think the biggest problem that families with teens face today is that parents fear the technology and the new social culture of this generation. We are the last generation of parents who, with some exceptions, are outsavvied by our kids in this arena. It is not going away, and if we fight it, we fight them. The fight becomes the 'turn that music down' of this generation. We lose the ability to relate.

What lies ahead???

Kel — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:26:33 -0500

Fear of the unknown...my daughter is 6 and what feels like going on 16. There are days when I glimps her tween/teen years and I think to myself "What am I going to do?" I can still remember what it was like to be that age and how I felt when my mother would do *fill in the blank* - I read the blogs and laugh because I know I too will face this challenging time head on, much sooner than I would like. But I also cling to the belief that by being her parent and not her 'friend' we will survive it and be better for it.

Wishful thinking?

Making your own mistakes

Liz Henry — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:09:41 -0500

So well said, Teen daughter, I wish more parents would remember their teenagers have to make their own mistakes. And support them in recovering and learning from those mistakes instead of punishing them & then acting like they could never be trusted again.

-----------------
Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Contributing Editor, World and Latin America

I'm just pleased Teen Daughter responded.

Rita Arens — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 10:58:57 -0500

I think it's pretty cool Teen Daughter had enough interest in what her mom was doing to read over her shoulder. Looks like someone's doing something right.

Surrender, Dorothy - When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

It's My Body Mom, Not Yours.

Lawyer Mom — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 10:52:08 -0500

I so sympathize. And yours is only four right now. Just wait. We've already had the "It's my body, not yours" showdown and more battles loom on the horizon. A sense of humor helps a lot -- which you've clearly got -- and the remark of a good friend who said to me, "Hang on until they're adults. When they are absolutely WONDERFUL." I cling to this notion; think I'll weave it into my metta recitation.

Note to Teen Daughter, in comment above: patience to you. If we sound "saggy" it's because we are, dear, . . . and far-sighted . . . and perimenopausal.

I blog about the mendacious Milo (my 7-year old son) at www.lawyermommusings.blogspot.com

Keep the faith.

Dallas Lawyer Mom

The teenage years are

Candelaria Silva — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 23:22:30 -0500

The bridge from childhood to adulthood. Some teens have a relatively smooth time of it; others have a bumpy ride.

I think you have to be parent and never try to be your kid's best friend. I think you have to provide guidance (I used "what-ifs" a lot with my kids to discuss things that might come up); I left lots of books around like "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and "What's Happening to my body: Book for Boys," and I prayed a whole lot.

While I believe in privacy and self-direction, I think it is important to have some events that they are required to participate in with the family. I also reminded my teens (who are now lovely adults; it took a while to get there) that their room was courtesy of me as was food, electricity, heat, etc., so they needed to expect face-time with me and being totally closed off in a room that I didn't venture into was just not going to be allowed.

Good luck and hard work!

blog.candelariasilva.com

Good and plenty!