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What about single mothers?

ALittleToTheLeft — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 10:15:11 -0600

Shannonr - I agree with everything you said in your comment. This is a subject that I know something about. When I was 23 years old, I was divorced with a small child. My ex-husband never paid a dime in child support and even escaped to another country for a while to prevent being caught by the courts. For a short time, while my son was under 2 years old, I lived with my parents and got a small amount from welfare on a monthly basis (to be exact, it was $34.50) a month!

Being on welfare is not the day at the beach that some people seem to think it is. At that time, I was expcted to visit the welfafre office to review my status on a weekly basis. I imaging this process is much like having to go to the unemployment office every week to show that you ARE still unemployed and are REALLY looking for work. I was treated with disdain by the state employess there simply BECAUSE I was on welfare. It was demoralizing. I was grilled as to how I was spending that $34.50 a month (uh, let's see - Pampers?). I tried to qualify for a work incentive program wherein I could receive training for some kind of job and work toward my independence from welfare. I was turned down. I was told, "No. You need to stay home and take care of your son."

So what was I to do? I was 23 years old, I had completed 3 years of college (which equates to NO years of college unless you actually complete your degree program). I was living with my parents and during that time my mother passed away. I was miserable and depressed. Was I the best mother to my son at that time? I don't know. But what I DID know was that I was never going to be a really good mother if I was not happy in my own life. So I threw down the gauntlet, went off welfare, took out loans and got some scholarships and went back to school to finish my degree. I took my two and a half year old son with me and took steps to turn my life around. I completed my degree in one year taking 21 credit hours of course work in the first semester, getting a full time job in between semesters and taking another 18 credit hours the second semester while working full time. I also, cared for my son, did the grocery shopping, cooked, cleaned the house, did the laundry, dealt with the bills, saw to it that my son had a good living environment & a good baby-sitter situation, read to him, played with him, loved him, nursed him when he was sick and taught him the importance of family. Although I was not married for a long time, I did not change my last name back to my maiden name for my son's sake. I felt his life would be less confusing for him as he went through the early school years if he and I had the same last name. Meanwhile my ex-husband was traveling the world, smoking pot and selling it, and pretty much living a fancy free life. Which one of us was more detrimental to the family?

Was it always easy for us? No. Did my son suffer for it? Maybe, a little. But I can tell you this, he learned a lot about work ethic and money management. He learned a lot about community and charity because as broke as we were for much of those first few years, we always donated his outgrown clothes and even some ofi his toys. We lived in a community of university students who were all in pretty much the same situation as us - so we worked together as a community babysitting for each others kids, helping to feed our kids together when things were really tough and lending emotional support when any one of us was crumbling under the pressure.

The people who make statements like Bob McDonnell's live in a bubble. They live in a "Leave it to Beaver" existence. Hey Bob, you think working mothers are detrimental to the family. What do you think of deadbeat dads, or abusive dads, or alcoholic dads, or just plain absent dads? What contibution are they making for the strength of the family unit in our society?

Feedback

shannonr — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:57:56 -0600

First of all, thank you for an article which I felt like was very well written. I didn't feel like it was an expression one way or the other of political belifs but your feedback on Bob McDonnell.

My response to people who question whether or not working women are detrimental to the family is this: it's not working women who are detrimental to the family, it's the lack of support by many companies, for working parents (men or women, I was raised by a single dad) that is detrimental to families. I am lucky enough to work for a company and in a position where flex time is completely available and up to me to use how I need. If I need to leave early for a football game, no problem, at the end of the day, they are more concerned that my job is done than from where I am doing it. But, I work as an HR Consultant and what I see 95% of the time is the absolute opposite. Most businesses are obsessed with their employees being at work the minute the clock strikes 8 and not leaving one second before it turns 5 pm or later. Flex time is not an option, it's still seen as cheating the company by many executives, even though technically salaried employees are paid to do a job, not based on the hours they work.

I have three teenagers, our after school schedule is hectic. My husband works offshore and is gone for 4 days at a time. It would not do me a lot of good to sit at home and do laundry while my kids are in school all day, and I wouldn't ultimately be happy. After years of fighting and inching along for equality in various areas for women, do we really want to force women to choose between having a family or having a career? I went back to school a few years ago and got an MBA while my kids were younger. I didn't need to do it at the time, but I feel like higher education is important for women and I really want a Master's degree. But the idea that women still have to defend their decisions to have a professional, working life, makes me a little crazy.

My bigger goal as a working parent, is that my kids know that I am here for them, and that I am able to make school plays, ensure the homework is done, and that I am engaged with them, working or not.

For many women, and many families, having one parent at home is not an option for various reasons. So, I come back to the idea that working women are not detrimental to the family. Working parents with no support system at all are a bigger issue.

I think I wrote more than I planned, a little rambling!

The funny thing? My boss, who is the VP of my division, is a female excutive whose husband is an attorney but now a full time stay at home dad. :)

Giving "Choice" isn't all that matters....

headzred — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:38:31 -0600

I just joined BlogHer just so I could comment here (great post, by the way).

Yes, choice is in play here, to a degree. I remind you that due to the way insurance is linked to employment, many women don't get much choice on who they can see in some towns. It may not be a big deal in this clinic's area, but in some parts of the country, there is no such thing as an alternative. There, it would be a travesty.

I am more bothered by the wording, which does indeed imply that there is something inherently dangerous about unmedicated birth, or even (for PETE'S SAKE) having a doula. This is misinformation. That would be bad enough from anyone, but for a physician to actively promote such misinformation is irresponsible and bordering on just wrong. People still (unfortunately) tend to think of doctors as infallible and unbiased, so they give their proclamations more credit than they might deserve.

Choice is a wonderful thing

Amy Gates — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:17:50 -0600

Freedom of choice is a great thing. The problem is that not all women really DO have a choice. Granted in Provo, Utah, where this practice is, there are a lot of other providers, hospitals, birthing centers, etc. and women who don't want to go to this care provider have lots of options. However, in other areas women don't have other options or they do but they aren't at all convenient. If they want to have a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) in a hospital and the hospital near them doesn't do it, they may have to drive miles and miles to find a hospital that will. I've also heard stories of women having to go live in another state at the end of their pregnancies so that they can have a legal home birth there.

Choice is a great thing, but I think at this point, women still don't have access to the choices they deserve. This sign is a reminder of that.

Amy
Crunchy Domestic Goddess
BlogHers Act contributing editor

My definition of "natural" birth

Amy Gates — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:17:18 -0600

I realized after the fact that I shouldn't have used the word natural to refer to birth. It's too ambiguous.

When I say natural birth, I mean a birth without medication - in other words, an unmedicated birth. I don't think of natural equaling vaginal. Sorry for the confusion.

Thank you,

Amy
Crunchy Domestic Goddess
BlogHers Act contributing editor

I Love Honesty

jennydecki — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:02:41 -0600

I think it's wonderful that this doctor's office put up a sign managing expectations for the patients. It gives the patient the power to make an informed decision.

Isn't that what it's all about? Empowering women to choose a childbirth provider they can trust - not because they are doing what is considered safest by some and dangerous by others - but because they're up-front and honest and you know how your care is going to be managed through your childbirth?

If all health care providers were this up-front and honest I'd feel a lot better about going to the doctor! It would make finding someone I can believe in so much easier.

Why anyone would want a doctor THAT honest to go out of business is beyond me.

Even if only one woman on the face of the earth wants an elective C-Section (I mean *really* elective, not the gray areas) - she deserves as much of a choice as a homebirthing mother. Of course, that's just my opinion...I know that for some women it's crazy to believe a woman could possibly feel safe with a highly medical OB in a hospital, but that's kind of the point of freedom of choice - you don't get to put your experiences on someone else's experiences. They get to decide for themselves. Freedom is so awesome like that.

Oh, one last thing...I really think we should call ALL births "Natural" - because the only way it's unnatural is if the fetus grows up in your belly and takes correspondence courses to graduate college. Anything that gets a baby from a uterus to a mother's arms is natural and is birth and is special and worthy of respect and a high-five. Calling vaginal birth natural automatically puts the connotation on the C-Section of unnatural and that's not right. I don't feel any woman should feel like LESS of a woman for not birthing vaginally.

Jen from Beyond Mom (two successful hospital births and one successful homebirth...and fine with women who make informed chioces no matter WHAT they decide!!)

Quite interesting indeed

denverdoula — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:31:48 -0600

They are supposed to have those statistics be public record but when I called to ask for their Cesarean Rate I was transferred to Billing- they thought I wanted to know how much one COST. I chucked at that a bit. When I called right back and politely asked how many Cesareans they do they said "well, it depends on the circumstances and different things can happen" to which I replied "actually I am wondering about how many are actually done - like in the last month, the last year with your practice?" They told me to call the hospital and ask them but I told them I was curious about THEIR Cesarean rate for their practice. They told me to stop harassing them, that "this was a business" and they hung up on me. Clearly they are not willing to share such information with inquiring minds. I am still curious so if you find out please let me know :)

interesting

kat22stl — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:16:52 -0600

it would be interesting to see and compare (if possible?) this clinic's birth statistics (% of c-sections, # of interventions, patient satisfaction) with other, more woman-friendly clinics.

interesting

kat22stl — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:16:43 -0600

it would be interesting to see and compare (if possible?) this clinic's birth statistics (% of c-sections, # of interventions, patient satisfaction) with other, more woman-friendly clinics.

I agree. Screening for abuse

smrtmama — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:30:52 -0600

I agree. Screening for abuse during pregnancy is a GOOD thing. Primary incidents of abuse are significantly more likely to happen during pregnancy or the immediate postpartum/early breastfeeding period.

Disappointing

blondrosie — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:28:34 -0600

I'm guessing that the doctor's office has had a bad experience or two with its patients, or possibly a lawsuit? Malpractice suits are one of the main reasons that the c-section rate is so high in this country. I'm sad to see that they have completely misjudged the rest of the natural birthing community.

@Stephanie - So sorry to hear that you've had some negative, mean-spirited remarks from other women about your birthing experience. It's very similar in the breast feeding community too; some women feel so passionately about "breast is best" that any woman who decides to bottle feed (or has to, for biological reasons) has been misinformed at best. What starts out as good intentioned usually is spoiled by a few haughty, "more-motherly-than-thou" attitudes. Glad that you had your babies in a safe environment where YOU felt comfortable.

All the More Reason to Promote Education!

thekoalamom — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:13:18 -0600

I had a successful Bradley Birth in a hospital setting. Thanks to plenty of online research, Bradley Training, faith in God, and Mindset- I was able to run the "show" and all my midwife had to do was "catch" my son.

I trusted my body and was educated about all of the feelings I had during the labor process. The midwife on duty really didn't believe I would be able to go without medication but my husband and I proved her wrong!

Because of the great education we received in our Bradley classes, the hospital atmosphere didn't get the best of us. I even wrote a book about the psychology I used to achieve a natural birth!

The Koala Mom

this sign went viral!

midwiferyworld — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:34:26 -0600

I wrote a Facebook note based on this posting to a OB nursing message board: http://allnurses.com/ob-gyn-nursing/obs-birth-plan-375056.html. In response, a friend I met in Colorado named Ginny Kooyman posted the sign you've featured in the story (I used to be a midwife in Colorado). Ginny's friend's sister was greeted with that sign when she showed up at the only office on her insurance plan that also featured nurse-midwives in the practice. It's crazy to see how far and wide the tiny sign has traveled!

Both Sides Need to be Open Minded

AmyMusings — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 09:39:15 -0600

I like Annie's sign better. It's more honest.

I had the birth plan, the doula, the midwife, the Bradley Method. My kid should have been a c-section but was a vaginal delivery, had his cord around his neck in the birth canal, and was born hypoxic.

Now he has learning disabilities. Was that from the birth? I'll never know. I'd blame it on a natural birth, as much as I'd blame it on the anesthesia that he was exposed to during a c-section.

My point is, both sides need to be open-minded and not stick to one belief and one belief only about how this baby should be born.

Amy Kehoe

www.amymusings.com

Glad the put up a sign

mrsL — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:52:46 -0600

and I wish other practices that feel the same would act accordingly. It would be much easier to scratch them off the list without getting three months or more into the pregnancy to find out that they have this kind of attitude.

Anti-woman is anti-baby. If the mother feels good about her pregnancy and her delivery it will be much easier for her to bond with her baby and start motherhood out on the right foot - why the PTB can't understand this simple concent is beyond me!

Elena,

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else much matters." Jackie Kennedy