BlogHer - compassionate friends - Comments

Thank you, Kristi

Mata H — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 17:59:37 -0500

You are so right about tears. Normal and needed. Amen to that!

If you'd like to see PartI, click on this text for a link to it.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Good advice

Kpvega — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:47:50 -0500

I'm so glad to read this, I hope it helps people know how to *be there.* I lost my three-day-old baby girl, and i know many of our family and friends had no clue what to say. I missed Part I, so I don't know if you covered this, but I hated answering the phone for awhile, because I cried a lot when I was alone, and it was easy to tell from my voice on the phone. My sisters would sound alarmed and ask "Are you OK?!" I hated that. Of course I wasn't. But I answered the phone for a nice distraction, and now I have to reassure someone that I'm ok.

People cry, and crying is a release. It should be accepted as normal, not cause for alarm.

Kristi

Small Things

thanks kazari

Mata H — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:08:14 -0500

I hope the articles and comments are helpful for her. Thanks again for your comment.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs at Time's Fool

excellent comment

Mata H — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 12:07:08 -0500

I am sure that you are right re the need to be cautious around whether or not the family needs/wants space.Doing a few gentle and compassionate inquiries should help gauge that.

It is 100% worth underscoring what you did -- that grief is unique and personal to the one who is bereaved. Although some things are universal,each parent will find their own way through this tragic maze. What is important, as you know well and have shown well, is that they need support in the process.

I hope your friend continues to find some solace on her journey.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs at Time's Fool

Grieving.....

the farmers wife — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 10:44:52 -0500

is as personal as a fingerprint. My best friend lost her 21 yr. old daughter, like Kazari's friend, in the most sudden, tragic and cruel circumstance. The irony of her death is so tragic that the grief is compounded many times over.

Thank you so much for this post Mata, because many people have no clue what to do, and so they do nothing and say nothing which is, of course, not the right thing.

I would add one more point and that is to give them space if they need it. I back off if I feel my friend needs "alone" time with her grief. She was astounded when family members (her own siblings) expected her to be over it in a mere 18 months. She had barely touched the tip of her grief iceberg. She is ever so grateful that they sought professional help from day one.

As I said, grief is so personal. You kind of have to feel your way along with your friend. For example, I thought the I should acknowledge her daughter's life on first anniversary of her death. That turned out to be the wrong thing because my friend preferred to let that anniversary pass without any acknowledgment. She prefers to honor her birthday. It will be two years in October and the grief is ongoing. She did cross a line to a place where she's determined to find some joy in what time she has left on this earth.

Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

thanks for this, mata. one

kazari — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:28:33 -0500

thanks for this, mata. one of my mother's friends lost her son in the most tragic of circumstances. (i'm sorry, i know it's always tragic, but this was terribly cruel in it's ironies). I'm going to send my mother both your articles. I'm sure she'll find them useful.

I think I have a recipe for that...

Mel, thanks

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:53:26 -0500

Your comment means the world to me. So often a writer does not know if her words have any impact. Thanks for letting me know.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Anissa, thank you so much

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:52:13 -0500

Your friendship is surely a blessing to your bereaved friends. And your point about using the NAME is so on the money. The calendar idea is wonderful, and I will reference it in Tuesday's post ..thanks again for your words and your compassion for parents experiencing loss.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Things people don't talk about

AnissaMayhew — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 11:45:57 -0500

I've been friend to 6 close friends who've lost their children, 5 funerals this year alone. There is no getting used to it, or finding a "way" to deal. Each one struck hard and was grieved in a different way.

But many of the points you made seem universal. They are the feelings many of my friends have shared with me about what helped most, what hurt most and what gave them comfort in a comfort-less time.

Don't ever ask a parent if they need something, they can't think, they cant plan, they can't breathe. Just take into mind whatever needs you would imagine that you can take care of and just do it. Get others to do the same. When the thinking process resumes, they will remember that you were there to be a support and loving hand and it will mean the world to them.

Someone wrote me this week asking exactly this - what do you say to someone who has lost a child.

And although I have a deep faith in God's purpose, I also discouraged the "God's purpose" or "God's angels" speeches. The words that can never go wrong are a quiet reminder that you're in prayer for their loss, letting them know that you are not seeking answers, just their peace and comfort.

i've learned that our tears together can help the family. They don't ever want to feel like their loss is felt alone. Not that they want to have to comfort YOU, but they do want to know that their child had an impact on your life and that you feel the pain as well.

We don't talk in vague ways of "how are you?" I ask straight questions that open up the path to talk about what they're feeling. I asked a friend "are you dreaming about Sierra?" (always using names...NAMES...don't think they don't want to hear them) and it brought a flood of emotions and her mom's need to share what she was going through.

A group of us put together a calendar where each week the family would receive a card, just a reminder that they are in thoughts and sharing a memory with the child. Many of the families have said the hardest part was when the quiet hit, the calls, emails, cards stopped and they felt alone to grieve. It's a never-ending process, not one that has a cutoff date of 2 weeks.

Thank you so much for writing this. I know your words are going to be in my heart today as I go to a retreat that includes 2 bereaved moms.

Anissa Mayhew

www.hope4peyton.org

www.onevoiceproject.ning.com

Thank You

Melissa Ford — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 11:04:58 -0500

Mata,

Thank you so much for writing this. "Looking forward" is not the right term, but I have written a note to myself not to miss the conclusion on Tuesday.

Mel

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Bless you, Auds

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 10:04:12 -0500

Thank you for your beautifully written blog, and for your kind comments and sharing here. Your words will be appreciated also by those who read this and do not comment, but who learn from you as they read. Thank you.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

How I Wish...

audreyh68 — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:22:00 -0500

I wish something like this had been around when we lost Josh, some
18 years ago. So many of the things "Chris" touched on were how I
was feeling and wanted to say. I think the worst were the
religious platitudes or people telling me everything has a
purpose. There is NEVER a purpose, or a reason for a child
dying. NEVER. Not everything in this world happens for a
reason!

And Chris is absolutely correct when he says; "One of
the least helpful things anyone could say is that they understand what
you are going through," I had friends who had had
miscarriages, or other similar losses try and tell me they knew how I
was feeling. Nope, not even close. Whilst I understand the
sentiment behind it, their loss was as unique to them as mine was to
me.

My twins were 6 months old at the time of Josh's
death and we would get endless things said to us like; "Well at least
you still have Matt and Meg..." and not only was it a horribly stinging
remark, I always felt as if the M&M's were somehow taking second
place to Josh when that was said, like they were somehow a consolation
prize in the sick twisted game of the death of a child. It
bothered me to no end when people would say that. Don't get me
wrong, there were days that, had it not been for the physical act of
having to parent the M&M's, I probably would never have gotten out
of bed, or even survived Josh's death. Just the same...having
other children isn't a panacea for the loss of one.

Thank you
for creating this series. I think it's beautifully written and
will be appreciated by many parents like me, "THOSE parents" and by the
loved ones who don't know how to approach those close to them who have
suffered the unbearable loss of a child.

Auds at Barking Mad

I am THAT Mom