BlogHer - when a child dies - Comments

AJO, hello

Mata H — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:06:28 -0500

If anyone is offended, they are crazy. You have been through a horrible loss. Your world just turned upside down and inside out backwards in the most painful way possible. I thank God a couple of people saw that and were able to connect. You are in the deepest part of rage and grief right now, an I will hold you and your family in my prayers.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

My son suddenly passed away Sept 10, 2009

AJO — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:38:40 -0500

There were so many people in attendance to the wake and to the burial that there

were only two people that said the right thing..."this is fucked up."

There are no words of comfort. None that were even offered by the clergy. They just got me angrier.

I hope I did not offend anyone.

Mel, thanks

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:53:26 -0500

Your comment means the world to me. So often a writer does not know if her words have any impact. Thanks for letting me know.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Anissa, thank you so much

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 15:52:13 -0500

Your friendship is surely a blessing to your bereaved friends. And your point about using the NAME is so on the money. The calendar idea is wonderful, and I will reference it in Tuesday's post ..thanks again for your words and your compassion for parents experiencing loss.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Things people don't talk about

AnissaMayhew — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 11:45:57 -0500

I've been friend to 6 close friends who've lost their children, 5 funerals this year alone. There is no getting used to it, or finding a "way" to deal. Each one struck hard and was grieved in a different way.

But many of the points you made seem universal. They are the feelings many of my friends have shared with me about what helped most, what hurt most and what gave them comfort in a comfort-less time.

Don't ever ask a parent if they need something, they can't think, they cant plan, they can't breathe. Just take into mind whatever needs you would imagine that you can take care of and just do it. Get others to do the same. When the thinking process resumes, they will remember that you were there to be a support and loving hand and it will mean the world to them.

Someone wrote me this week asking exactly this - what do you say to someone who has lost a child.

And although I have a deep faith in God's purpose, I also discouraged the "God's purpose" or "God's angels" speeches. The words that can never go wrong are a quiet reminder that you're in prayer for their loss, letting them know that you are not seeking answers, just their peace and comfort.

i've learned that our tears together can help the family. They don't ever want to feel like their loss is felt alone. Not that they want to have to comfort YOU, but they do want to know that their child had an impact on your life and that you feel the pain as well.

We don't talk in vague ways of "how are you?" I ask straight questions that open up the path to talk about what they're feeling. I asked a friend "are you dreaming about Sierra?" (always using names...NAMES...don't think they don't want to hear them) and it brought a flood of emotions and her mom's need to share what she was going through.

A group of us put together a calendar where each week the family would receive a card, just a reminder that they are in thoughts and sharing a memory with the child. Many of the families have said the hardest part was when the quiet hit, the calls, emails, cards stopped and they felt alone to grieve. It's a never-ending process, not one that has a cutoff date of 2 weeks.

Thank you so much for writing this. I know your words are going to be in my heart today as I go to a retreat that includes 2 bereaved moms.

Anissa Mayhew

www.hope4peyton.org

www.onevoiceproject.ning.com

Thank You

Melissa Ford — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 11:04:58 -0500

Mata,

Thank you so much for writing this. "Looking forward" is not the right term, but I have written a note to myself not to miss the conclusion on Tuesday.

Mel

Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Bless you, Auds

Mata H — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 10:04:12 -0500

Thank you for your beautifully written blog, and for your kind comments and sharing here. Your words will be appreciated also by those who read this and do not comment, but who learn from you as they read. Thank you.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

How I Wish...

audreyh68 — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:22:00 -0500

I wish something like this had been around when we lost Josh, some
18 years ago. So many of the things "Chris" touched on were how I
was feeling and wanted to say. I think the worst were the
religious platitudes or people telling me everything has a
purpose. There is NEVER a purpose, or a reason for a child
dying. NEVER. Not everything in this world happens for a
reason!

And Chris is absolutely correct when he says; "One of
the least helpful things anyone could say is that they understand what
you are going through," I had friends who had had
miscarriages, or other similar losses try and tell me they knew how I
was feeling. Nope, not even close. Whilst I understand the
sentiment behind it, their loss was as unique to them as mine was to
me.

My twins were 6 months old at the time of Josh's
death and we would get endless things said to us like; "Well at least
you still have Matt and Meg..." and not only was it a horribly stinging
remark, I always felt as if the M&M's were somehow taking second
place to Josh when that was said, like they were somehow a consolation
prize in the sick twisted game of the death of a child. It
bothered me to no end when people would say that. Don't get me
wrong, there were days that, had it not been for the physical act of
having to parent the M&M's, I probably would never have gotten out
of bed, or even survived Josh's death. Just the same...having
other children isn't a panacea for the loss of one.

Thank you
for creating this series. I think it's beautifully written and
will be appreciated by many parents like me, "THOSE parents" and by the
loved ones who don't know how to approach those close to them who have
suffered the unbearable loss of a child.

Auds at Barking Mad

I am THAT Mom