BlogHer - working moms - Comments

the state of divorce

cjpapp — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:22:16 -0600

It seems to me that the whole system is seriously flawed. When judges order payments for child support and /or alimony that leaves the payer unable to afford a place to live is senseless. I have seen a friend of mine (excellent father) become homeless because he gave all his pay to child support - and still didn't get to see his children very often. I have 2 women friends in child custody fights - one is a teacher that must pay a large amount of money to her husband for child support and alimony because he doesn't work, the judge ordered that he was accustomed to not working. He periodically tries to get full custody - right now it is 50/50. She often goes into high debt for attorneys and has already claimed bankruptcy. (He is a musician and works under the table. She cannot afford a PI to prove it.) He is able to take their daughter out to dinner, buy her new clothes, and take her on trips (with her money) while her mother must work harder to buy baloney sandwiches or whatever else is cheap just to put food on the table.

Another friend is in a custody fight because she doesn't work. The judge ordered that she should work! She has proven abuse from the husband and child services even got involved when he threatened to kidnap her and take her out of the country - but that didn't sway the judge any. In this case, he was found to be living a double life, he even owned a business that she didn't know about it! (This was even proven in court, in California where the laws are supposed to be 50/50 ownership!) The judge knew this and still will barely give her any money for support or alimony. The husband ties her up in court and she cannot afford attorneys to fight so she relies on public defense which seems to be no help.

There seems to be no common sense, no standards, no thoughts or concern for the child. I believe it is important for the child to see that both mother and father are able to survive and support themselves. In the above scenarios, even though the spouses work hard to pay what they are supposed to, the child sees this parent as a "loser" or "deadbeat" because the other can afford to live in a nice place, to do things, to buy clothes - regardless of the fact that the "poor" spouse is paying for these niceties. I am not divorced - but these people are friends and it seems too often that the rulings are unreasonable and lopsided. It really makes me mad that our judicial system leaves power of all of these people's lives in the hands of judges that may have legal experience behind them, but no sense. Just my observations.

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Nail. Head.

FerociousKitty — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:49 -0600

"Since I don't want to live in a world where women are made to feel guilty if they work and men are not expected to have real responsibility in raising the kiddies, I'm down with the idea that more men want to share custody of their kids. The key is to make sure that women are not punished for working while men are rewarded for changing an extra diaper or two every week. But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong. It doesn't serve working parents, stay-at-home parents, or most importantly, the kids."

This really bore repeating!

Let's advocate for change in a broken system and give a damn because that system flagrantly subscribes to biased notions about gender and parenting that do a disservice to men, women, and children.

The Faster Times - Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting 101

Story of my life

mylifewithkids — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:41:45 -0500

Like many of the other posters I was working while my older son was going to daycare from about 6 months until about 2. During that year and a half I was out about three or four days a month due to my son's illness. My husband's parents do not live in this country and and my parents are young enough to still be working their own full time jobs. My son had juvenile parotitis which caused his parotid gland (located at the base of his jaw under his ear) to swell painfully every time he got sick. Needless to say the daycare center did not want to be responsible for him and he was not in a condition to take some Tylenol and go anyway. (as my boss suggested to me one time) I also got the "talk" from my boss that other employees were having to be responsible for my work when I wasn't there. It finally culminated in my staying home full time. It was a little difficult managing with one paycheck for a while but so much less stressful and bonus, my son only gets sick once or twice a year instead of constantly as he was when he was exposed to the other sick kids at daycare.

Telecommuting

moonfever0 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 10:53:22 -0500

If both parents have to work, the best bet is to establish telecommuting. And if all the stars are lined up, you can rely on a grandparent to take kids when they are sick. And if all the stars AND planets line up, you can have one of the parents not work and stay home with the kids. Going from two working parents to a stay at home parent (hubby) has been a lifesaver for our family.

Angela at mommy bytes
BlogHer Contributing Editor in Mommy & Family Cribsheet

Been There Done That

TheBlackTortoise — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:14:41 -0500

I'm at the other end of the spectrum as most of the commentators, in so many ways. First of all, I'm the BOSS. Second: My kids are grown and have kids of their own. I entered the work-world when any discussion about your kids was a sign you were not committed to your job. Remember you chose to have those children, didn't you?

So here's my advice:

Suggest to your boss that you'd like to practice "social distancing" this flu season. This will protect your work environment from a potential slow-down and/or stoppage; if you have customers to deal with, it will protect them. You have the best interest of the company in mind. How can your workplace do this?

1. Do not come to work if you are sick or suspect you are getting sick.

2. Institute a telecommuting option where possible.

3. Reduce the number of meetings, therefore reducing close contact. (Maintaining a 10 foot perimeter is a good way to prevent airborne contagion, such as flu and cold.)

4. Wash hands frequently.

Yes, kids are going to get sick, especially when they are in a new environment like a new daycare or new school. Whining to your boss is not going to earn you points. I'm pretty compasionate where it comes to balancing work and family with parents who are in the division I run. I raised four kids of my own, one a special needs child; many of my years of parenting were as a single parent with 300 miles separating me from extended family support. So, I know what it's like. Still, there's a business to run. Go to your boss with a solution, rather than just the problem. The more you can present your solution to your boss as a win/win, the more positively the boss will view you and your idea.

By the way, I'm a microbiologist and a Director of Quality Assurance at a pharmaceutical company. From everything I've read, the H1N1 is just another strain of the flu. Of course no one wants her child sick, but it happens, and humans have a wonderful mechanism to get us through it all: the immune system.

Adela

www.theblacktortoise.com

Been There Done That

TheBlackTortoise — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:36:16 -0500

So here's my advice:

1. Do not come to work if you are sick or suspect you are getting sick.

2. Institute a telecommuting option where possible.

3. Reduce the number of meetings, therefore reducing close contact. (Maintaining a 10 foot perimeter is a good way to prevent airborne contagion, such as flu and cold.)

4. Wash hands frequently.

Adela

www.theblacktortoise.com

Do as I say, not as I do...

MrsWsKitchen — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 10:08:00 -0500

I always find it funny when CDC suggests people stay home and get better. When I worked at the CDC/Atlanta it was a hotbed of viruses! Staff all came to work with the flu, rotaviruses and God-knows-what. I had to chase them away with my trusty can of Lysol, cleaned doorknobs & my phone & keyboard when I got in, etc.

Amanda
Mrs.W's Kitchen

My son's school's policy

Elizabeth@Table for Five — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:44:44 -0500

My oldest started 7th grade yesterday at a middle school building where the majority of the classrooms are on inside walls with no windows that open. Therefore, the school policy is to NOT send kids to school AT ALL if they are sick. Any germs that get in the air from coughing or sneezing are just going to...hang there. I shudder to think what the germ level is going to be like round about January.

One of the deciding factors when I left my office job to stay home with the boys was that I had used up all 10 of my personal days staying home with my boys because they had picked up coughs and runny noses at daycare. If a person doesn't have extended family or friends home during the day who can take in their sick kids, what the heck are they supposed to do?

Elizabeth blogs at:

The bind of working parents

Jomama2 — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 01:54:22 -0500

My husband actually lost his contracting job due to this problem. In the past, we had been fortunate to have TWO sick childcare centers that we could call, and had actually used one of the places several times each year.

When you have a sick child, dropping them off even at a center designed to take care of sick children is a LOUSY feeling. Sometimes, it is your ONLY option, and if you don't even have that, I can see parents sending their sick children to school.

Last year, although I have a pretty flexible job, my son managed to get sick only on days I had live classes to teach. We have no relatives in the area, and our sick childcare centers had lost their registered nurse, or been taken over by a national chain which no longer supported the sick child care. My husband ended up taking 3 unscheduled sick days in 4 months, and eventually was let go as a result of his "not being reliable enough".

We are in good shape now, with my job having converted to virtual delivery, and my husband being underemployed. But I know that changes in employment status could turn things around 180 again and put us back in the same boat.

Talk about a mixed message

mamalang — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 20:07:19 -0500

...Schools say keep your kid home if they are sick, but if they miss 3 or more days, you could be contacted about possible truancy issues, and if my teenager misses more than 5 days (hello, swine flu?) she fails driver's ed, and we have to pay for her to take it again.

And many employers count sick days against you, while telling you not to come to work sick.

mamalang

I'm Sick of Sickness

Mammakaze — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:00:51 -0500

Okay, I admit it. I have succumbed to the panic about a possible flu pandemic. As a mom to a kid with an underlying illness (asthma) it scares the bejeezus out of me. But I'm lucky as I work at home. And when my kid is sick, I am able to care for her.

I totally feel for all the moms who aren't able to do that. It's always been tough on them, having to choose between work and their kids. And I know for a fact that many working moms have dosed up their kids on medications and sent them to school because they have no alternative.

Well, folks, we're about to hit the PEREFECT STORM this fall. Because with the recession, working parents are more wary than ever about missing work for fear they will be next on the chopping block. Combine that with the FLU season we keep getting warned about... well, I think a lot of kids with H1N1 are going to be coming to school despite their illness. Which means more kids will be getting sick.

Again, I understand the dilemma of working parents. If you lose your job, there's no insurance for doctor visits and prescriptions.

No parent wants to their sick kid going to school. But some feel they have no choice.

I'm bracing myself for this fall. And I'm hoping for the best. It's really the best I can do.

www.mammakaze.com

Unrealistic guidelines

mstaz1112 — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 08:44:16 -0500

My daughter's school made it known at parents night that they are wanting kids to stay home while they have a fever plus 24 hrs after the fever breaks. Also, stern warnings about DO NOT SEND YOUR KID TO SCHOOL DRUGGED UP WITH TYLENOL IF THEY HAVE A FEVER. Since many of the moms stay home, I'm sure this is inconvienent but possible. I work full time and am running out of days. My husband's company has banned them from taking days off until at least November. So if my kid gets sick, I'm screwed.

My blog: Toast on the Ceiling http://toastontheceiling.blogspot.com

Good on you

Wilma Ham — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:58:06 -0500

Good on you, you have enough on your plate and you don't need to beat yourself up about wanting it to be another way. You take care of yoruself and be gentle on yourself as well and know that you do the best you can in the given circumstances.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

Thanks

kelleyschultz68 — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:58:21 -0500

Thanks for your comment as it helps me validate that I am not a 'cry baby' for complaining about the commute! It does get tough/complicated and is very taxing....the balancing is hard as both my husband and work full time. I pray some day my situation will change and the commute will be a thing of the past!!!!

Bring on the easy dinners!!!!!