BlogHer - cheating - Comments

wow

Marguerita99 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:35:55 -0500

you know what? At least you found out now. This could have happened in 12 years when your child *remembered* it. At least your son will be spared that.

Justification -- we all do it

BarbD — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 06:02:35 -0500

It's a hard road in our society to garner sympathy for an affair -- you're right. And believe it or not, after many years of dealing with infidelity, both personally and through my years participating on an online divorce support group, I've developed a much more nuanced view of the topic.

There are many outcomes to affairs, including the affair partners starting a new life together. Even when this happens, though, it comes at the expense of others' lives. For every spouse who's happy to end his or her marriage, there are many more who are blindsided and must deal with the end of their lives as they know them, struggling to catch up to how they went from married to divorced in (what feels like to them) 0 to 60 mph. When there are children, the complications and pain multiply exponentially.

Even if you're not interested in a long-term relationship, if it's found out, stuff can happen. It can get very unpleasant -- for everyone.

I get that people meet someone and fall in love. When that happens, we're capable of justifying all kinds of things we might never believe we could possibly accept. I'm still uncomfortable with a love that excludes knowledge of it from the unsuspecting spouse, who's entitled to have a choice, too.

No

TellEmGirl — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:31:52 -0500

No, no, no. I would not say that they PREFER men in relationships, BUT they are definitely attracted to a man who can commit.

I am a single woman, so I know the feeling. I have been involved with men who were in serious relationships, one guy was married. Honestly, these relationships were more passionate, fun, and definitely steamier than other relationships. They were also lonelier, unstable, and more guilt-ridden than any other relationship. As a result, I also developed a feeling of unworthiness about myself. For that reason, I chose not to be involved with anyone else's man ever again.

I've had conversations with many women who have had similar relationships and everyone pretty much felt the same way, which is why I don't think single women prefer these men unless they have their own agenda. Most single women looking for a man, want a man they can call their own. My personal opinion is that women who desperate to find this type of love, settle for the "next best thing", a part-time lover. How many times have you heard the saying "I'd rather have half of a man, than no man at all"?

Loving a Married Man

lisamaggard — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:15:07 -0500

I have learned that most of what we think about infidelity comes from a set of societal standards we happen to follow. And then I fell in love with a married man. About that time I was reading "Loving Frank" and came upon a line in that book which I will paraphrase: Everyone always feels so sorry for the wife when a man has an affair. But what about the two people who have found one another and can't be together? Why don't we feel sorry for the futility of their love? (That is a loose paraphrase, and I apologize for it but I lent my copy of the book to a friend and can't look up the exact words right now.) But the idea hit me over the head at the time--we automatically think, "Oh the poor wife!" and forget that maybe, just maybe, the two people who are having the affair, that 'cad' of a married man and that 'hussy' of a mistress just happen to have incredibly bad timing but an incredible love for one another. That is a situation worthy of our pity as well, is it not?

Something else I have learned is that until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, do not assume you understand anything about his or her life. It is so easy to say, "Tell me it isn't true! I'm so disappointed in you both!" but have you really considered what it is like to be that person or those people? Nothing is as simple as 'such and such is always wrong.' Instead, the older I get the more gray and hazy are my ideas of right and wrong. There are simply so many factors to consider that judging an affair with a "one size fits all mentality" is shallow-minded and unfair to all parties involved.

Women like a challenge. that's all

omgchronicles — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:52:25 -0500

I don't think women like unavailablility; they like a man who is a tad challenging and engaging and, yes, we love a man who shows he's able of commitment, and what better than a married man? (except, if he acts on it, of course; we seem to ignore THAT part!)

But, as Barb says, there are many ways to have a loving committed relationship that don't look like man, woman, kids, house. After I divorced, I started to fall into that routine again — looking for a man to replicate what I had — until I realized, heck, I don't really want that anymore! So, my BF of 4-plus years and I see each other when I don't have my kids and when he doesn't have his daughter, and then he goes to his house or I go to mine and we talk on the phone in between. It's part mistress, part wife.

I don't need to be "wife" again to have a loving, committed relationship. Maybe that's what some women are experiencing right now; they like the freedom and the love.

The problem with infidelity, as others mention above, is that not all parties involved have knowledge and are in agreement about what's going on. As a woman who once cheated and who has been cheated upon, let me tell you, that part sucks!

oops

omgchronicles — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:51:57 -0500

I meant, "I don't think women like unavailablility .."

But, you knew that ;-)

Jealousy is insecurity

Patmos — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:39:22 -0500

Lily's
comment: “Jealousy is supposed to preserve relationships by
alerting you to threats,” comes with the presumption that she
is going to be replaced or discarded, otherwise what is the threat?
If she were comfortable with her relationship that this wasn't going
to happen, I don't think it would be an issue, unless she feels the
whole world should revolve around her and only her. Unfortunately, in
America, a strange westernized Christian view that has shaped its
value system has somehow promoted one man, one women- which is
contrary to Biblical boundaries that include polygyny (one man,
multiple wives/concubines.) But otherwise, "side dish" sounds like he had contempt for you. Each person in the relationship should be treated as equal, not secondaries.

I think your reaction to the provocation was quite normal

Flightkeeper — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:11:00 -0500

and I would say that was a great comeback! If she didn't want to be insulted she shouldn't have said what she said.

http://flightkeeper.blogspot.com

http://cutefuncool.blogspot.com

Agreed

Bill Cammack — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 09:32:31 -0500

IMO, that's PRECISELY what it is, Sarah. The guy who walks in the door available and interested doesn't "mean anything" as far as the woman asserting herself or actively attracting him. OTOH, if he's NOT available and she bags him, she's achieved something special.

This is where "Nice Guys Finish Last" comes from, since the guys who bend over backwards to be nice to women are often stuck in the "Friend Zone", because they really don't light her fire. She sees them as someone to fall back on when nothing else is happening, but not as someone to really team up and make a run at a relationship with.

It's also the reason why it's in a guy's best interest to act like there's something special about a gal that attracted him to her. If you just walk in the door sweating her for her looks and knowing nothing about her personality or achievements, a lot of time, she figures you're "just trying to get some", as opposed to having actually been smitten by seeing her for the first time in life.

There's nothing wrong with this syndrome, but it's definitely used as a great advantage by guys who pretend to be disinterested in order to get the woman to hop into gear and do the right thing.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

I've had an affair with a

AnnQuirk — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:48:36 -0500

I've had an affair with a Married man before....while I agree married men have the attraction of having made a committment, part of the issue (I think) is when you're working full time and get to a certain level in your career, most of the men are a bit older and Married.

And that's who you spend all day, every day, with. Plus you have a lot in commo, perhaps more than people have with someone they may have married 10 - 15 years ago, so that additional attraction is defintiely there.

When I had my affair, I wan't looking for anything permanent. That in mind, I also think men are attracted to married women for the same reason.

Additonally, married women and men are going to be more relaxed and not seem "desperate", as so many single people do.

I also think it's human nature to go after what other people have.....kind of a competetive thing.

sadly ... yes

sarahday — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:41:25 -0500

I'm almost ashamed to admit this but I agree with you Bill. For some reason us women are attracted to unavailability. It might not be the "married man", instead it is the bad boy or the emotionally unavailable one. I think often it has a lot to do with self worth (ironic... I know) than emotional intimacy. "If the unavailable guy that shouldn't love me loves me, then I am special" vs. the guy completely willing to love you, because how do you know he wouldn't love anyone.

Sarah Day

live large, laugh often, wear purple underwear

house of day

Unavailability

Bill Cammack — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:33:14 -0500

There are really two things at play here. The first one is that women love guys that are unavailable in general. "Taken" or "Spoken For" is just one flavor of "Unavailable". It gives y'all something to do. Women love to make changes to situations. The guy that's sweating you, is... sweating you *yawn*. A guy that's unavailable, you get the chance to make him your own and feel accomplished.

The second thing is that women take advice from other women. Chris Rock said, basically, "When a guy sees a guy with a good gal, he wants a gal just like her. When a gal sees another gal with a good guy, she wants THAT GUY!" :D

The fact that he's "settled down" with a gal means that.... hold on to your hats... He's the type of guy TO settle down. It's a trait women are looking for. Also, being that some woman hooked up with him in a LTR, that means she did the due diligence of vetting him already.

So, being "Taken", or at least appearing so, makes it easier to get women.. not tougher. Taking it back out to the general.. Being unavailable makes women throw themselves at you, while if you had approached them as if you want them, they'd deal with you entirely differently and you'd have a much harder time getting on.

Also, women 'give it up' faster when they feel like they don't have a chance with you. :D

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Infidelity is inexcusable

bacc02 — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 14:46:55 -0500

I have to agree with Barb above. I'm sure it is all fun and games for the cheaters but it is most likely torture and hell for the unknowing significant other.

While I understand the psychology behind women being attracted to a man who is labeled "taken" in the context of them being "domesticated" or "worthy," I have to wonder what the affect would be if you changed the test. If they said, this man is in a relationship and cheats on his wife. Suddently, the attraction would be completely gone. Nobody respects someone who cheats on their spouce.I'm sure it's fun and exciting to be breaking the rules, but, ultimatel, it is at someone else's expense.

"To a wife, you talk about money. You talk about critical decisions. You
talk about layoffs and pay cuts. To a mistress, you talk about
philosophy and literature, you talk about the color of the ocean and
the deepest secrets of your heart."

This entire philosophy of being a mistress to get the "good parts" of a relationship without all of the baggage is rubbish. If a marriage is only based on a business partnership, then it really isn't a marriage at all. All of those things you listed in the mistress category should be in the marriage category or something is already wrong and needs to be adressed by the married couple. If you're missing something in your marriage, it is your responsibility to address it with your partner, not to find a willing participant to fill the void. And then, if you start sharing that part of yourself and your emotions with another person, how do you think that makes your partner feel?

I'm sure it sounds harsh and simplistic, but I really don't see any justification for infidelity. If you are missing something from your marriage, you should own up to it and work it out with your partner. If you both decide the best course is to look outside your marriage (swinging, etc), then I'm all for it. The difference is CONSENT.

Why can't women find the same freedom with a single man?

BarbD — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:20:22 -0500

I don't mean this in a judgmental way. I'm a midlifer who has been divorced for 12 years and has been in a long-term relationship for the past 3+. We spend week-ends together and take a couple of trips a year but otherwise, it's a "same city, different houses" kind of relationship. I'm open to more, but am just as happy with what we have now.

One of the reasons my marriage ended was my ex's infidelity. As it turns out, it wasn't the most important reason, and I realized not long into our separation that it was the excuse I needed to end a very bad marriage.

An open relationship is not for me but I'm fine with other couples who make that choice. What bothers me about the situations you describe is that one person has had a choice made for her (or him, because this happens to men, too) without her knowledge. And I know firsthand the devastation learning about this most intimate of betrayals can create in a relationship.

What for your friends is a carefree, uncomplicated relationship is anything but to the unsuspecting party who they (selfishly?) don't consider. I guess I can't imagine going through my life with so little consideration for the consequences my behavior might have on others.

Barb

I think we need a name for

avflox — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:27:33 -0500

I think we need a name for that specific psychological space we inhabit when we engage in this way. It's a very powerful catalyst when combined with illusion and desire in that it renders the beloved omnipresent. It somehow changes the chemical structure of the passion in ways I can't verbalize.

As for the treatment of Sanford, I will only say that our treatment of politicians in the United States is ridiculous. We want them so desperately to be like us, but heaven forbid they show any human flaw.