BlogHer - Mommy & Family - Comments

Great article, I totally

cjsellers — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 17:57:25 -0600

Great article, I totally agree.

Not just a women's issue

Devra Renner — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:34:32 -0600

This isn't just a woman's issue in the military. Single fathers also face this problem as do joint spouse couples (these are parents who are both active duty, and may not even be in the same branch of the armed forces).

There are quite a few moving pieces when it comes to deployments. I have encountered many instances when communication breakdown is the culprit. However, I have also encountered my fair share of hardass commanders who have a "it sucked for me, so it will suck for you" mentality. I've also known soldiers to avoid their careplan for the purpose of evading deployment. Then again, I have known soldiers whom have put a careplan together only to find out the folks they designated have had a change in circumstance and are no longer able to care for their child.

This is the first I've heard of the military placing a child in foster care due to a failed family care plan. My husband has been active duty for 22 years, so I think I've been around the block a time or two. Not to say it doens't happen, obviously it does.

I think this situation brings to light that this war is stressful on families and we need appropriate programs and services for military members who deploy and servicemembers and their families must be able to access these programs and services easily and quickly.

While the typical military family in the past was identified as "active duty" and their wife/husband and kids, we now have a much broader pool of people which includes National Guard and Reservists, their families and their extended families and friends. Because the reality is that some service members don't have family members who are able to take on the responsibility for childcare while they are deployed and often these folks rely on "chosen families" who could be located anywhere in the world.

As these wars progress, more "Purple" services are being developed, meaning there is a concentrated effort across the Department of Defense to make services and programs equally available to each branch of service. But like any govermental undertaking, it's going to be slow and bumpy until it's well underway.

But to the military's credit, they are addressing mental health issues in ways they had never done even 10 years ago. I would hate for one awful situation to make is appear as if the military is utterly unresponsive. They are trying, but it's really a new world for them in many ways and I think we do need to give acknowledgement to their efforts, even if they aren't perfect. But coming from 22 years of experience, specifically working with military families for much of it, and being one myself, I see progress being made.

www.parentopia.com/blog

Good to hear these opinions

MommyTipsTam — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:33:12 -0600

I've never really worried that much about it either. I've been online since 2000 and haven't tried to be anonymous yet haven't shared all the "find me" info until recently. A lot of our close family / friends worry about the stalker issue. Thanks for sharing that I'm not alone in thinking this is pretty normal life now.

Although, it is a little weird when you see someone face to face and they know SO much about you & you know nothing in return.

I am mom to 11 year old twins, wife to my best friend, online entrepreneur ( www.mommytips.com ) and missionary living in Ecuador (or on the road) WHILE homeschooling! ~whew ... I'm tired.

I can relate

MommyTipsTam — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:16:42 -0600

I am having this struggle also and I near 40. I am starting to panic that I may have waited too late! Part of me wants to have that experience again. But then, there is the HUGE age difference that would exist (have 11 yr old twins now) ... the fact that I have so much freedom now that my kids are older .... ahh decisions :)

Mom to 11 year old twins, wife to my best friend, online entrepreneur ( www.mommytips.com ) and missionary living in Ecuador (or on the road) WHILE homeschooling! ~whew ... I'm tired.

I can fault the ARMY,

Leighbra — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:16:21 -0600

I can fault the ARMY, because this story made my blood run cold and tears fill my eyes.

When I was 18, I was a single teen mom. I tested very well on the ASVAB, and was recruited very hard by the Army, AF, and especially the NAVY.

Not a single one blinked when I said that I had an infant daughter at home, and was unmarried. The words I heard all the time, even when I asked who would take care of my daughter if I were to be deployed was "There are lots of single mothers in the military, we take care of our own."

I felt in my core then that it was too risky to sign papers and take that as truth, and this shows me that my intuition may have been correct. I felt a strong desire and call to serve, but couldn't imagine leaving my daughter behind.

Denise of course raises some good points, there was probably more the mother could have done to prepare for this situation. But I was assured that me worrying about the affects on my young daughter if I were to be deplolyed were unfounded. They're obviously were not

Yes and Yes

Carmen S — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:54:04 -0600

"Sometimes, she just needs to be alone."

It's a refrain that I find myself repeating again and again - and sometimes, people STILL don't get it. I don't care, anymore - they can watch her melt down with me and then, maybe, they'll understand.

Or maybe not. Some people never will.

Yay, P-Dub!! in Phoenix!

outofdebtagain — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:53:49 -0600

Ah, thanks for the mention!!! Meeting Ree was THE HIGH POINT OF MY YEAR! She is such a sweetheart and I feel so fortunate that I got to meet her and get my book signed, and get my picture taken with her. She told us in Phoenix she's releasing her love story!! I can't wait for it to come out. She says she'll be filling in some gaps in Part I, but is going to leave it on the site in its entirely. And then, there will be Part II. I was able to transcribe our Q&A session on my site, she was so sweet, answering our questions. One darling little girl asked her if she had elephants! So much fun!

Thanks again,

Mrs. Accountability

Out of Debt Again

http://www.outofdebtagain.com/2009/11/questions-and-answers-with-pioneer...

I'm sorry for your struggles :(

Tessa_W — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:40:10 -0600

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. And you're right, your health is definatly important! I'm a big believe in the fact that breast is best and there are very few women that are physically not able to breastfeed. But that doesn't mean it's always easy!

I wish that there was more support and education and information out there on it. I was very lucky with a mom who successfully breastfed 3 children. Plus I grew up on a dairy farm so I understood the whole lactation process more than most new moms do (not that's new moms are cows but there are similiarities lol!). It's just sad that we don't have the same community support and knowledge that used to be there for new moms. With the introduction of formula, a lot of the previous generation doesn't understand breastfeeding the way that the generation before them does/did.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you were unable to breastfeed. Good for you for sticking with it for 7 months with your first baby despite the struggles! I hope that if you have a third, that things are easier for you. It's not an easy choice when you know what you "should" be doing but you're totally right, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Good for you for doing what you believe to be best for you and your family. It takes a lot of courage to do that. :)

If you have a third might I suggest that you try to find a La Leche League group in your area? I know that the group in my area has been invaluable to me, not jsut with breastfeeding but with supporting me as a mother and giving me the confidence that I need to listen to my son's needs instead of doing what everyone else tells me to do.

www.aimedattheheart.blogspot.com

I'm not faulting the Army

Morra Aarons Mele — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:58:09 -0600

I'm faulting a social system in which the way we work and parent has changed, but the support systems in place, be they civilian or military, have not.

I looked up what an Army Specialist makes- roughly $24k a year, it seems. That doesn't leave you with many options...

Morra Aarons-Mele
www.womenandwork.org

Another timely post!!

kristenspina — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:17:51 -0600

Thanks Shannon for such a timely post. Coping with the Holidays was the topic of our local special needs parents support group meeting this week. Someone handed out copies of this wonderful letter written by Viki Gayhardt. I had to google it to find the source, but it's worth reading. I love the way she phrases this:

"Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. people with autism have different abilities: some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or have difficulty making friends. we are all different and need various degrees of support."

I disagree Morra

Denise — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:10:08 -0600

Your opening paragraph has no factual basis. The rules apply for all members of the armed forces. If you are a parent, it is your duty to make sure that your family is prepared for you to deploy (or to be called into work at any moment.)

This applies to everyone, male and female - single or married.

To suggest, without any statistics to back it up, that this would not have happened to a man is taking the cry of "partriarchy" a wee bit too far, even for me.

I also take issue with this:

(and, Morra’s note, the Hyde Amendment that rules that no federal funds be used to pay for abortions means she would have had few options had she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, anyway. She had to keep the baby, and she had to provide for the baby. She is mother and provider.)

While I'm a huge supporter of federal funds for abortion, she did have options. She could have paid for her abortion out of her own pocket, as many women do. She could also have given her child up for adoption. I'm not faulting her for NOT doing either one of those, I support her choice to carry to term and parent her child. But your suggestion that she had few choices is false. She had the same choices that any other woman has.

A family care plan is required for a very good reason - to prevent a parent from having to deploy and leave a child without care. To be a parent without a legitimate care plan is outrageous. When her mother originally agreed to be on the care plan, did she not then realize just what that meant? Did she think it was just a piece of paper and it would never happen? What, exactly, were these women thinking? The US Army deploys people. Even when we aren't fighting war(s).

I've been the person listed on family care plans for single soldiers (both single moms and single dads.) I've taken care of children when their parents were deployed. One child in particular lived with my family more than she lived with her mom during a rough year in Panama. Her mom also made sure that if something had happened and I was not able to care for her child - there was a back up to me. And I believe there was a third back up, just in case. At the time, I took it for granted that every single parent in the military did this. Apparently not.

It's a difficult situation to be in. I realize that. But, when you join the military you're told that you may be deployed quickly and you MUST have a family care plan in place - they mean it. You must do this or you put your child at risk - not to mention your career.

It's impossible to know what type of assistance her unit provided to her prior to this incident. She may not have asked for more help. She may have asked for help and not received it. She may have asked for help and then not taken it. At this point, I can't fault the US Army. They followed orders.

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Poor baby

lynngre — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:35:35 -0600

The image of her being carried into a hotel lift by that sicko is so sad. If only someone knew what she was about to go through. It's not about race. This happens in all areas of society. Poor angel. RIP.

Lynn

swedafrican.wordpress.com

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

I have a somewhat opposite love story...

EdibleMarie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:55:55 -0600

I am the country girl who has come to the city for love:

http://ediblemarie.tumblr.com/post/227064942/love-sandwiches-part-1

http://ediblemarie.com

Wow

EdibleMarie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:40:20 -0600

A beautiful photograph of your grandmother's hands.

http://ediblemarie.com