BlogHer - midlife - Comments

I've sooo been there...

zazupitts — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:58:38 -0500

....minus the snake, of course.

Or....getting the panicky phone calls from a parent who has had another "accident," and needs help with a cleanup. They feel embarrassed about the situation, and acting annoyed will only shame them.

Putting a calm, matter--of-fact tone of voice really helps, doesn't it?

I would just recite, "That's what mops are for!", get out the rubber gloves and start scrubbing.

Your parents are very lucky to have a daughter like you!

Living in Caregiverland

www.Caregiverland.com

So true....

ItsKelly — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:38:35 -0500

Thank you for your post. This is so true and simple, yet something we forget to consider.

I've had a difficult last few months and have been begging my husband to let me quit my job (cutting our income in half). The last few months took a toll and I felt beat down and exhausted. I got it in my head that I just needed a BREAK! I thought if I could just rest, the worries and stress would all go away.

In his infinite wisdom, Husband said he would support anything I wanted, as long as I had a plan... What?! How can I possibly make a plan when I'm so exhausted and worn out?

I thought he was being mean, until I decided to override my current believe that I'm worthless until I get my break, and I made a plan. That changed everything. I'm more motivated, positive and full of energy than I've been in 3 months. Everything seems different now and I'm excited about my life, not fearful as I once was.

I've enjoyed reading your blog so far and will visit often.

~Kelly
http://www.itskelly.com

You make valid points

Nordette — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:33:45 -0500

I said in my response to Candelaria:

On one level I wanted Joan to win as Celebrity Apprentice b/c Annie Dukes is a true Machiavellian, which in many ways is why you should be the CA, but on a common sense level, I think the whole thing was rigged.

To say Dukes is a "true Machiavellian" is not a compliment. Sneaky and manipulative are not geat character traits in my book, but it seems to me Trump has let people who operate that way win his apprentice show before.

I think Melissa was feeling exactly what Annie Dukes was doing, but Joan still needs to let Melissa stand on her own, and while that high drama plays well on TV, nobody appreciates it in real life situations any more than we'd appreciate sneakiness. Some of us have seen Joan/Melissa-type drama played out at one too many big Christmas dinners and it's not fun.

WOW! You had a lot to say, and I like that. Thank you. :-) But I'll leave your opinion of West Coast sneaky culture alone and hope somebody from that side of the country comes along to defend it or agree. LOL.

In many ways, Annie was like the stereotype of a Southern Belle, grinning and polite on the surface, devious and manipulative underneath, the consumate Queen Bee.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Rivers & Dukes

87monkeys — Tue, 26 May 2009 17:10:52 -0500

It's interesting, because though I can certainly appreciate the extreme drama factor that occurred the night Melissa Rivers was fired from Celebrity Apprentice, I really found Annie Dukes' behavior FAR worse than what was going on with Joan & Melissa simply because it was so insidious. I mean, Dukes lied, manipulated, pitted people against each other, triangulated, twisted people's words.

As I recall, Annie Dukes was the one who actually said that Joan Rivers called her a Nazi. If you watch the playback, that's a twist on the words Joan actually said, which were more along the lines of Annie behaving worse than Hitler because of her blatant dishonesty and power/control gaming "technique." (...please...bad behavior is bad behavior, Ms. Dukes...)

And let's not forget the fact that Dukes actually did say that Joan deserved to die. That's pretty ugly, and inherently violent. It's also morally reprehensible, considering Joan's age. Personally, though I wouldn't enjoy being called a "whore pit viper," I'd take it far more seriously if someone were to say I deserved to lose my life. That's one step away from a death threat - and actually could be a death order, depending on who you know and who you say it to. Given the fact that it was common knowledge that Joan Rivers believed Annie Dukes associated with organized criminals, the statement about Joan Rivers deserving to die can also be interpreted as an intentional attempt on Dukes' part to cause fear, intimidation and emotional distress at a far deeper level than your basic school yard name calling.

Sure - there was definitely something up in the mother-daughter dynamic between Joan & Melissa. Of course there was. But in contrast to Annie Dukes' behavior, at least theirs was about sticking together in the face of adversity rather than about dividing and conquering the people around her for the sake of personal gain, with no regard for the emotional impact/consequences to those in her wake, by way of mental exploitation.

I mean, look at poor Brande - she probably still thinks of Annie Dukes as a "friend," when Annie Dukes sized Brande up as a dumb blonde and played her like a fiddle. Since that goes against Brande's principles, that makes Annie Dukes very much the opposite of a friend.

But yes, there was definitely something up between Joan & Melissa. I'm just not sure it's worth the amount of attention it's getting when the most damaging dysfunction to my eye wasn't coming from them. For example, Melissa expressed the concern that Annie & Brande were ganging up on her and assassinating her character.

Well...they were - and they did. And when Melissa confronted the issue face to face with each of them, they lied. They even attempted to call Melissa's mental integrity into question.

Now that is also something you just don't do.

And Annie appeared to enjoy every second of it.

Bleck!

So after years of being coached by therapists, groups, self-help books, professors, educators, etc. to articulate it when we see something wrong going down, shouldn't Melissa have been beside herself after experiencing that and being blamed for it? And didn't Melissa do exactly what mental health professional types have been instructing people to do for decades now -- and is she not now the recipient of the same profession's critique for doing exactly as she's been told?

Sure, I thought it was a shame that Melissa's firing turned into an adrenaline pumped temper tantrum at the end of the night - but I also found it understandable because Annie's behavior was sooooo far across the line in the first place, and because Annie Dukes got away with behaving in such a way as is consistent with those who pretty much caused the current recession - not to mention the fact that on an emotional level, Annie Dukes burned every bridge in the book. Honestly, I feel sorry for her children - they'll never know what it's like to think for themselves - but they may never realize that none of their thoughts are actually their own rather than mommy's. That's an extremely alarming possibility, and it falls very close to the line of actual brainwashing.

And the worst part is, if you watch Annie Dukes' non-verbal behaviors, it's very clear that she knows she's doing something wrong, she knows she's getting away with it, and she's experiencing some kind of arousal from it. Just try watching her in the lounge with Joan with the sound off. You'll see it, too.

And yes, it was a bit jarring to hear a 75 year old woman speak like a true New Yorker -- but Joan Rivers is a true New Yorker, and culture there is far more accepting of the use of "vulgar" language than it is anywhere else in the United States. In fact, for a true New Yorker, Joan was not really that vulgar at all. She was angry, she showed it, she's got a very live personality, and she knew her daughter had been screwed off the show by dishonorable means. By her cultural standards - meaning by New York City cultural standards - Joan Rivers spoke her mind under no uncertain terms, and everybody knew where she was coming from. Within New Yorker cultural standards, that's completely acceptable.

Further, as is also culturally normative in New York City, both Joan and Melissa showed repeatedly that they were able to agree to disagree, to negotiate and to discuss their own perspectives with those of differing perspectives toward common and positive goals - as was the case with the story arc of Clint Black and Joan Rivers.

On the other hand, Annie Dukes' behavior was sneaky, dishonest, dishonorable, and showed a personal lack of integrity specific to people who find the pain of other amusing and acceptable so long as there is personal gain involved. That's not acceptable by New York cultural standards. I find that sort of thing is, however, far more acceptable on the West Coast, and to me, that's disturbing.

But sure, the dynamic between Joan & Melissa was odd. On the other hand, they did show camaraderie. And sure, it would have been more polished had both Joan and Melissa been able to articulate more calmly and less confrontationally. But Dukes was actually rewarded for dangerously passive aggressive behavior. To adversely judge direct behavior that was at least well-founded if not (in part) justified while simultaneously overlooking the guile of Dukes' behavior is somewhat of a problem, in my opinion.

; )

--KW

Scripted

Nordette — Sun, 17 May 2009 20:40:56 -0500

CA is probably, at the least, scripted for conflict and otherwise ego manipulated, but you can't fake genuine family dysfunction. Something's off-center there with Joan & Melissa and I think you're onto something with the father's suicide. That tragedy could have made Joan more protective and now she doesn't see herself or Melissa in true light.

The thing of it is most of us have seen some group or parent and child behave like J&M in real life.

Yes, Joan was rude and basically shouted the other side down, not a good sign.

On one level I wanted Joan to win as Celebrity Apprentice b/c Annie Dukes is a true Machiavellian, which in many ways is why you should be the CA, but on a common sense level, I think the whole thing was rigged. I think Donald Trump had ulterior motives for choosing Joan and not Annie. Perhaps Rivers has the clout he wants to keep in his hand. Plus, what do they do so-called apprentices do for Trump anyhow?

Thank you for commenting, Candelaria. And I'll be dropping by your relationships column at Examiner again. You're very insightful.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Co-dependency

Candelaria Silva — Sun, 17 May 2009 20:23:40 -0500

Graat post. A couple of thoughts. I thought Joan was unbelievably vulgar (even for her) and did not allow dialogue.

I think it must be hard to be the daughter of a celebrity especially if you are following in your parent's footsteps and you don't have their talent. Melissa is a solo child and I think, becuase of her father's suicide some years back, that probably heightened the bond between them.

The job of a parent is to raise independent and productive children - that means not defending or rescuing them much of the time.

I figure so much of The Apprentice is scripted and Trump definitely picks people who are volatile and provacative. Ch-ching!

http://blog.candelarisilva.com

http://examiner.com/x-2478-Boston-Domestic-Issues_Examiner

Good and plenty!

Lift Off

Candelaria Silva — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:14:12 -0500

Your writing lifted off tonight.

Singers are back in the day you didn't mention: Joan Armatradingl Laura Nyro, Roberta Flack and Carol King.

I'm a both/and person - I listen to old school and I listen to music being made now. (Check out sun-music.net - there are different streams, the stream "sound of the sun" has old school mixes updated monthly.) When I hear Jill Scott and Mary J. and Beyonce, et al, I feel like they are speaking to the ageless woman inside of me.

The poetry of Joni and the smokiness and age of her voice - touch the girl I was and the woman I am. Thanks for the post. It was a man who said it (don't remember who) "music is the healing force of the universe." I've also read recently that people with Alzheimer's will remember music from their youth even when most other meories are gone. blog.candelariasilva.com

examiner.com/x-2478-Boston-Domestic-Issues_Examiner

Good and plenty!

Dementia Patient Spending Sprees: what to do????

gladlenise — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 07:22:35 -0500

My Mom was diagnosed with dementia by a neurologist about a year ago; its not advanced and she lives alone. I spend several hours each day with her by leaving work early, and that way, I've been able to monitor and assist her with daily needs. I had taken over her monthly bills for her ... she's on fixed income and we do not have much in the way of financial resources. Yesterday, Mom just went down and withdrew about half of the funds for upcoming April bills and went on a spending spree yesterday: I don't know what to do. I've been having that problem with her and trying hard to talk to her about it. I cannot afford to keep covering her on the monthly shortfalls. I don't know what to do. The shut-off notices will be coming, but I'm not going to be able to afford them. Mom does not understand that with only $600, she cannot go on spending sprees and still have enough to cover her monthly expenses. She can still cook for herself and bathe and dress herself, and she does not get lost. But she does get terribly confused and combative at times. I can't help her with her monthly expenses, when she goes down and withdraws mostly everything as soon as the monthly auto-deposit is recorded. Does anyone have any suggestions on the financial problem I have with her? I already have the POA's, etc., but they're not much good under these circumstances. Has anyone else been through this? Thanks.

Lesbian Menopause

reinzig — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:21:14 -0500

Yo! Over Here!

Robin

Visit my blog at http://hereswhatidontget.blogspot.com

Thanks, Nordette ...

Kat Wilder — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 22:46:49 -0500

... for finding and referencing me.

As I wrote in my post, I have a love/hate thing with social networks. I spend some time on them, but always wonder, why the heck aren't I e-mailing my friend one-on-one instead of chattering on a "wall"?

Still, I read silly things my friends or their partners offer to the world or pictures they post and I find myself sucked in.

I still believe that Facebook and its ilk never can — or should — replace being in another person's presence, but I am slowly embracing this is how it is ... and will be .... until whatever's next. God only knows what that will be!

Great story!

Nordette — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:05:55 -0500

That's whaqt Facebook should be about always, valuable connections that enrich our lives. :-) Thank you for telling us.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

High school feelings? Maybe a social media thing overall

Nordette — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:03:52 -0500

Thank you, Amber, for your comments.

I think all social media in general may stir up high-school memories of trying to fit in with the crowd, especially if you have an emotional investment combined with a business investment of needing to grow your contacts. Even the most confident people sometimes get concerned that they don't fit in. When life slows down and they happen to notice the phone's not ringing like it used to or if they plan a party and only one person RSVPies, it rattles 'em. Drudged up fear-of-rejection issues can throw us off our game without warning.

Women experience fear of rejection sometimes trying to fit in with new mothers at the toddlers play group. It seems no matter how old we get, we have varying amounts of it with a sense of inadequacy, but it's strongest in most people during their teens. As we age, some folks continue to be aware of those feelings often, others only in small doses, but it's there and part of human nature. People claim it doesn't matter, and for some it doesn't, especially if they tend to not be social creatures anyway.

No training in this whatsoever, but I suspect the fear of rejection is a survival instinct, something programmed into us, warning us we're in danger of becoming isolated. Humans are pack animals. We need other people even when we tell ourselves we don't.

I think producers explored some of these issues well in the Trust Me episode I mentioned to Michelle up top, not just with the father-daughter Facebook thing and his feeling that he was no longer current (relevant), but also with a female character wanting to fit in with her peers.

I agree, Twitter does feel a bit less clique-ified. Also, if no one responds to you on tweets, you can convince yourself the site's broken. Last week Twitter ate five replies to me. I saw them, clicked away from the page, returned and they were gone never to be seen again.

But generally, friending can feel like work until you realize that it's only the people you care about who matter. The flip side is great. Sometimes you make new friends who support you.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

Old friends and relatives

Nordette — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:03:09 -0500

Few, if any, of my relatives are online at Facebook, and from what I can see, none of the high school friends are, I mean the real friends not the people you nodded to in the hall. My family barely does email. But as a writer, I'm glad I don't hear from my family online. Some of my older family members tend to believe everything I write as being about me and the family. If I wrote a fiction story about a little girl who ran away from home for one night and spent the night in a St. Charles Avenue mansion, I'd get a note from at least one of them asking, "When did you do that?" You can imagine how some of them would react to a poem about a lover. "Who is he?" ;-) I don't know if it's that they don't read much fiction/poetry or is it that I strike them as more adventurous than I am.

Nordette: BlogHer CE. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP. @Twitter

I joined facebook because I

auththenticang — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 10:04:19 -0500

I joined facebook because I heard it was good to promote business. My husband caught on and now he is addicted to those online games you can join! Now I sort-of regret telling him about it LOL!

I am glad I joined. I didn't think I would use it much but since I have connected with my best friend from grade school that I lost touch with (as well as an old childhood neighbor) We are now going to get together in the 'real world' not online- so it's a good thing!

Angie Goodloe LMT 10528, Herbalist

http://authenticmama.com/

www.herbalistpath.blogspot.com

Waiting for my life to catch up

debra roby — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 09:46:21 -0500

I've been on FB for a couple years. The first year or so I was fairly inactive; then it seemed that everyone I knew online was there, finding me, friending me, and I got pulled in more.

I am old enough that most of my friends and school mates still are not participating. I'm waiting for that part of my life to catch up. I hear stories from others of how life changes when they reconnect with that schoolmate they thought was snobby, stuck up, or an old lost friend. So far, I've found one person who was one of my best friends until I moved 2000 miles away.

A group of us were talking about FB on Sunday. And we all wondered, if FB is becoming so mainstream, will someone create the next new cool place for the younger generation to populate? And, then, would FB become the new MySpace?

Debra
A Stitch In Time
Weight for Deb