BlogHer - Childcare - Comments

Not just a women's issue

Devra Renner — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:34:32 -0600

This isn't just a woman's issue in the military. Single fathers also face this problem as do joint spouse couples (these are parents who are both active duty, and may not even be in the same branch of the armed forces).

There are quite a few moving pieces when it comes to deployments. I have encountered many instances when communication breakdown is the culprit. However, I have also encountered my fair share of hardass commanders who have a "it sucked for me, so it will suck for you" mentality. I've also known soldiers to avoid their careplan for the purpose of evading deployment. Then again, I have known soldiers whom have put a careplan together only to find out the folks they designated have had a change in circumstance and are no longer able to care for their child.

This is the first I've heard of the military placing a child in foster care due to a failed family care plan. My husband has been active duty for 22 years, so I think I've been around the block a time or two. Not to say it doens't happen, obviously it does.

I think this situation brings to light that this war is stressful on families and we need appropriate programs and services for military members who deploy and servicemembers and their families must be able to access these programs and services easily and quickly.

While the typical military family in the past was identified as "active duty" and their wife/husband and kids, we now have a much broader pool of people which includes National Guard and Reservists, their families and their extended families and friends. Because the reality is that some service members don't have family members who are able to take on the responsibility for childcare while they are deployed and often these folks rely on "chosen families" who could be located anywhere in the world.

As these wars progress, more "Purple" services are being developed, meaning there is a concentrated effort across the Department of Defense to make services and programs equally available to each branch of service. But like any govermental undertaking, it's going to be slow and bumpy until it's well underway.

But to the military's credit, they are addressing mental health issues in ways they had never done even 10 years ago. I would hate for one awful situation to make is appear as if the military is utterly unresponsive. They are trying, but it's really a new world for them in many ways and I think we do need to give acknowledgement to their efforts, even if they aren't perfect. But coming from 22 years of experience, specifically working with military families for much of it, and being one myself, I see progress being made.

www.parentopia.com/blog

I can fault the ARMY,

Leighbra — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 21:16:21 -0600

I can fault the ARMY, because this story made my blood run cold and tears fill my eyes.

When I was 18, I was a single teen mom. I tested very well on the ASVAB, and was recruited very hard by the Army, AF, and especially the NAVY.

Not a single one blinked when I said that I had an infant daughter at home, and was unmarried. The words I heard all the time, even when I asked who would take care of my daughter if I were to be deployed was "There are lots of single mothers in the military, we take care of our own."

I felt in my core then that it was too risky to sign papers and take that as truth, and this shows me that my intuition may have been correct. I felt a strong desire and call to serve, but couldn't imagine leaving my daughter behind.

Denise of course raises some good points, there was probably more the mother could have done to prepare for this situation. But I was assured that me worrying about the affects on my young daughter if I were to be deplolyed were unfounded. They're obviously were not

I'm not faulting the Army

Morra Aarons Mele — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:58:09 -0600

I'm faulting a social system in which the way we work and parent has changed, but the support systems in place, be they civilian or military, have not.

I looked up what an Army Specialist makes- roughly $24k a year, it seems. That doesn't leave you with many options...

Morra Aarons-Mele
www.womenandwork.org

I disagree Morra

Denise — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:10:08 -0600

Your opening paragraph has no factual basis. The rules apply for all members of the armed forces. If you are a parent, it is your duty to make sure that your family is prepared for you to deploy (or to be called into work at any moment.)

This applies to everyone, male and female - single or married.

To suggest, without any statistics to back it up, that this would not have happened to a man is taking the cry of "partriarchy" a wee bit too far, even for me.

I also take issue with this:

(and, Morra’s note, the Hyde Amendment that rules that no federal funds be used to pay for abortions means she would have had few options had she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, anyway. She had to keep the baby, and she had to provide for the baby. She is mother and provider.)

While I'm a huge supporter of federal funds for abortion, she did have options. She could have paid for her abortion out of her own pocket, as many women do. She could also have given her child up for adoption. I'm not faulting her for NOT doing either one of those, I support her choice to carry to term and parent her child. But your suggestion that she had few choices is false. She had the same choices that any other woman has.

A family care plan is required for a very good reason - to prevent a parent from having to deploy and leave a child without care. To be a parent without a legitimate care plan is outrageous. When her mother originally agreed to be on the care plan, did she not then realize just what that meant? Did she think it was just a piece of paper and it would never happen? What, exactly, were these women thinking? The US Army deploys people. Even when we aren't fighting war(s).

I've been the person listed on family care plans for single soldiers (both single moms and single dads.) I've taken care of children when their parents were deployed. One child in particular lived with my family more than she lived with her mom during a rough year in Panama. Her mom also made sure that if something had happened and I was not able to care for her child - there was a back up to me. And I believe there was a third back up, just in case. At the time, I took it for granted that every single parent in the military did this. Apparently not.

It's a difficult situation to be in. I realize that. But, when you join the military you're told that you may be deployed quickly and you MUST have a family care plan in place - they mean it. You must do this or you put your child at risk - not to mention your career.

It's impossible to know what type of assistance her unit provided to her prior to this incident. She may not have asked for more help. She may have asked for help and not received it. She may have asked for help and then not taken it. At this point, I can't fault the US Army. They followed orders.

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

SAME IN THE UK

BETTYG — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:08:38 -0500

I live in London, and we have the same issues. Next week my kids will be out of school for half term. What to do? Luckily, I work from home. But it will really limit the amount of work I get done.

The after school program is fair. But it's in a church about 1/4 mile from school. The child care workers pick them up at school, and then walk them to the church. The thing is, I usually run into them as they're walking to school to pick up the kids. The majority of them are not well dressed and smoking. It just doesn't instill a lot of confidence. So the question remains. What to do? Unfortunately, I don't have the answer. BettyG

I'm in Australia so the

jaycee — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:27:35 -0500

I'm in Australia so the options are probably different here. My son goes to after school care at the school and they also offer vacation care for nearly all of the holidays so it works out pretty well for us. We've got our summer holidays coming up at the end of the year and I've just asked for and had approved a 6 week break from work (I'm due holidays and long service leave).

This is only an option while he's in primary school. Once he's in high school (around 13) then that option is over so I'm gonna have to rely on friends and hope like hell he's a responsible 13 year old.

Jen at Semantically driven

Some ideas

Beverly Flaxington — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:58:29 -0500

I have three children, 13 down to 6 and have worked all throughout so we've been through many, many iterations of this problem. It isn't easy and it actually does seem to get harder as they get older. I feel like my 13 year old needs constant supervision -- so much for the dream of having her watch the younger two!

But, some ideas -- we found a wonderful woman who was with us for 5 years at our church. If you don't belong to one, you can inquire at the offices of churches or temples nearby if there are older folks who want something to do but don't need to be paid a lot. I've also definitely seen the barter idea and the "mother's helper" idea (tween/teens helping out with smaller children after school) work well in our neighborhood for other families. There are also some great online resources such as sittercity.com and babysittertime.com where we've had some great success -- summertime is really easy using these resources. Our current sitter is actually the mother of our former day care provider. I've just learned to talk with everyone about our desire to have someone reasonably, responsible and reliable -- the three R's!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets

Good ideas -- all.

Rita Arens — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:00:46 -0500

I'm particularly interested in what mesullivan26 said about waiting to have a second child to swing the childcare payments. Are other people doing this?

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

Summer Weeklong programs

Elana Centor — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:40:22 -0500

Okay, so its been a decade or two since I dealt with this issue but I did have to deal with it and in Minneapolis the community ed program offers weeklong summer programs for kids, so do the Y's and our parks and recreations department also had programs ( not sure what the situation is since budget cuts)

My son really loved the week long sessions at the Y..they had great hours and took them on field trips... Good luck with that.

elana Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness

have you considered

j.c. — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:30:48 -0500

have you considered bartering for a lower rate...doin laundry, volunteering your professional skills for a day, filing, organizing a storage shed, washing outdoor toys or bikes? there is always a task that a school needs help with. when i was a director i was open to bartering. there were many jobs that were worth the trade.

www.smilelaughordie.com

I feel your pain

mesullivan26 — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:07:49 -0500

It's so difficult to find something that is reliable and affordable. We found an in-home person whom we love but if she gets sick or one of her kids get sick, we have to take the day off and can't really call it a sick day. Plus she lives about 40 minutes away from where we work. My daughter is only 15-months-old but I've already started worrying about what we will do when she is in school. The cost of a second child in daycare is part of the reason we are planning to wait to have another child.

Yikes!

amenopausalmom — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:58:25 -0500

It's tough! What do you do?! We have someone in the neighborhood that will take in kids periodically - no more than X number at a time, but it does help out in situations like this. But it's tough. Not only is it hard to find good providers, it's also quite expensive. Our teenagers without any experience, a car and etc are $10 per hour! We once paid $12 per hour a few times and she was one of the lowest priced teens in our neighborhood.

Wishing you luck on whatever you find - ask around, esp. other parents in the same situation whom you trust/like.

A Menopausal Mom

Snakes and Spiders Don't Scare Me. Getting Old Does.

BH09 Keynotes Rock

loriluna — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:52:39 -0500

Yes! We are pretty excited :-)

Excellent Keynotes

debontherocks — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:46:40 -0500

The keynotes are amazing women. I couldn't be more excited. So glad for Ilene Chaiken to be addressing us. She has great insight in how formerly marginalized entertainment topics or populations can have great crossover appeal, and how multi-platform entertainment can work best. Awesome!

Deb
www.debontherocks.com blog
www.3smartgirlz.com consulting

I'm lucky and I know it.

mamalang — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:00:52 -0500

Both of our mothers live close by, and both love to spend time with their grandkids. We established a "right of first refusal" policy from the beginning, as we were hiring babysitters and hurting their feelings. So now they know that we ask them first (and I try to alternate as much as possible...must be fair with the time, lol) and they have the right to say no. My children love the time they get at their grandmothers house, and I enjoy the occasional break knowing they are safe.

With my husband away this year, I've really seen how important this involvement in my kids life is to everyone.

mamalang