BlogHer - Childcare - Comments

BH09 Keynotes Rock

loriluna — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:52:39 -0500

Yes! We are pretty excited :-)

Excellent Keynotes

debontherocks — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:46:40 -0500

The keynotes are amazing women. I couldn't be more excited. So glad for Ilene Chaiken to be addressing us. She has great insight in how formerly marginalized entertainment topics or populations can have great crossover appeal, and how multi-platform entertainment can work best. Awesome!

Deb
www.debontherocks.com blog
www.3smartgirlz.com consulting

I'm lucky and I know it.

mamalang — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:00:52 -0500

Both of our mothers live close by, and both love to spend time with their grandkids. We established a "right of first refusal" policy from the beginning, as we were hiring babysitters and hurting their feelings. So now they know that we ask them first (and I try to alternate as much as possible...must be fair with the time, lol) and they have the right to say no. My children love the time they get at their grandmothers house, and I enjoy the occasional break knowing they are safe.

With my husband away this year, I've really seen how important this involvement in my kids life is to everyone.

mamalang

MiMi - The Anchor

Woman_In_The Midst_Raw — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:46:29 -0500

I am fortunate to be able to spend just about every day with my grandson, including all major holidays, including bdays, all of which take place at my home. My son - recently divorced and laid off - moved back home and shares "joint" custody with his ex-wife. It's supposed to be M-Th, one week and then M-F, the next and alternating holidays. My ex-daughter-in-law however is ever ready to drop her son off or call and say she's sick.. It matters not to us, our door as our hearts are always open to my grandson and like I tell my son as he sits and shakes his head trying to figure out why his ex wants as little interaction with her child as possible, I tell him, it's okay honey, it's the losers in life than make us the winners!

I know that as my son steadily looks for work and as my ex-daughter-in-law continues to make excuses as to why she can't pick her son up or spend time with him, I know that I stand as an anchor to my grandson, the one constant in his life, which he needs so much during this transitional time in his life..

Stressful situations, disability, and caregiving

Liz Henry — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:18:33 -0500

That sounds extremely stressful on everyone!

And it sounds like you did a lot of work to take care of everyone and keep the family going. First of all I want to say that and also, my best wishes for your daughter and her transplant.

From my perspective sometimes as a person with a disabilty, I have sometimes needed extra help or even caregiving for myself as well as my child. I did find it especially stressful to learn how to accept help and accept that I needed help. Especially in hospital situations, it is hard to maintain any feeling of control over the smallest bits of life, as well as the big aspects of life. So, that is a process, it involves anger and grief, and it takes time to deal with it with any grace. Like, years!

During my last difficult round of flare-up and impairment, my mom called me and assumed that she would be taking my child away for the entire summer to "help" me and she told me she was getting on a plane to fly out to "help" me. From my perspective this was not something I asked for or wanted and I was less than polite about how I felt. I wasn't asked - I was told, what would happen. I value my independence and the things I can do. (Especially during the times when I need help getting in and out of the bathtub, or whatever.) My mom and I love each other but we had a fight over it. I would have preferred to pay for extra child care, and part time help, and ask friends to bring me soup, order my groceries online, and have some infrastructure in my house like a bathtub rail. And that in fact is what I did, and I'm lucky to have had those options. I am 40 and would do *anything* to avoid as an adult woman to avoid moving in with my parents.

I think that dynamic would be especially difficult for a younger person just out of adolescence.

I hope those thoughts help you forgive a little, or to negotiate good boundaries with her.

Best,

Liz

-----------------
Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
http://liz-henry.blogspot.com

Oh, I am so lucky! My

cjcerezo — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:37:33 -0500

Oh, I am so lucky! My youngest son and his wife have honored me with the care of their son from the time he was about 2 months old. He is now 3 years, 3 months, and I watch him only one day per week. For his first two years, I was his "Granny Nanny" and wouldn't trade that precious time for anything in the world!

His baby sister is due in July, and I will be giving her the same loving care I gave her big brother. My greatest regret is that my middle son, his wife and three boys live too far away for me to have given them the same help.

Gran and Grandpa have lives. We travel (Europe this month) and enjoy our away time. But we also know that no one can give the love and care to our grandchildren that we can. Yes, I am paid a small amount, but only because I think it's important to acknowledge - on all sides - the contribution that I make to their family. I would do it for free if I could, but I do ask for gas money! Other than that, there isn't enough money to compensate ME or THEM for the love and care I can give. What greater joy is there for a Gran?

Cheryle
http://boomergran.blogspot.com

ungrateful children

trish45 — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:52:43 -0500

When my 21 year old daughter ended up in a Boston hospital with heart failure, I quit my job by phone from the hospital and I took care of my 6 month old grandaughter while visiting the hospital and my daughter in another state. I did this for 4 months and then took care of her and my grandaughter for another 2 months when she finally came home.

She has been absolutely horrible to me since she has somewhat recovered. She moved out of our house with the baby without telling me first. She got engaged and never mentioned it to me and she stopped talking to me for awhile. She said she had a difficult childhood and I needed therapy.

When she is upset with me, which is often, she tells me I am not her baby's mom. I can feel the anger coming off her toward me.

I have always dropped everything for her when she has needed me. Which has been often.

I am still there for her. She is on the heart transplant list. Number 1 as of yesterday.

I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive her for how she treated me. And still treats me. I hope she will grow up soon.

Just grateful she is alive.

I Got Lucky

mommiedaze — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:06:58 -0500

I'm fortunate that both my parents and my in-laws love spending time with my
son. My in-laws who live just just a few miles from us watch him at least one
evening almost every week. Because they want to! In fact if my mother-in-law
goes a week without seeing him, she really misses it.

My parents live farther away, but my son spends about one weekend a month
with them. My mom makes up excuses for him to come stay with them.

There have only been a few times I've had to ask someone to watch my son,
because they're so eager, usually they offer before I can. Sometimes I even
think the grandparents are envious of the time each spends with my
son. It gets a little crazy really.You should see them vying for his attention
when we're all together at Christmas.

But that's their choice. It's just the kind of people they are. They all
really want to be involved in my son's life. So they make time for him. He's one
of their top priorities. And I think it's fantastic. Not just because I get a
lot of free babysitting, but because I see how they are already positive
influences on him. And I see how they can continue to be even into his teens and
adulthood if they keep cultivating the relationship.

That said, if they didn't want to babysit I would respect that and not expect
it of them. I consider it a gift that do want to be so involved.

I think it really comes down to the personalities of the grandparents, and if
they enjoy spending time with children. It's just not something every
grandparent is going to do.

Flexibility and understanding is key

AmberS — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:40:56 -0500

My parents and my in-laws both live 45 minutes away. They all still work, as well, so using them for full-time childcare was never an option. My daughter, now 4, goes on outings and the occasional sleepover, and everyone seems to enjoy themselves. I think we have achieved a good balance, or at least none of her grandparents have ever expressed that we are relying on them too heavily. I always ask, though, and never expect.

Our parents have their own lives, but they also say they wish to see their grandkids more. Which is where I think the shoe's on the other foot. If you want to see a lot of your grandchildren, that's great, but you need to be available. Nobody expects grandparents to give up their own lives or interests, but as young parents we're stretched very thin and our time is also at a premium. Flexibility for everyone, parents and grandparents, is important to make things work well.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Lucky To Have Grandma

M. Edwards — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:32:38 -0500

I have two older brothers. I am the baby. One of my brothers had 4 kids and the other had 2 kids. My brother with the 4 kids would come over to the family home of which I was still living at the time as a minor to "visit" and all of the sudden had to "run to the store" and would not come back for hours and would do that quite frequently. My brother who had the 2 kids never left his kids with my mom. Actually my mom had to tell him it was okay to leave his kids with her because she wanted to babysit. My mom had no problem with grandkids and loved them dearly but in these two cases you can see how one brother abused it and the other didn't and was offered her time. My mom never asked for money and did sitting for free to help them save on money. Sadly mom passed on when I was a teenager so I did not benefit from her kindness. I had to pay through the nose as a single mom for day care to the tune of 500.00 dollars a month while I was in school and working. For those who have a mother that will sit... give her something and if she will not accept cash...take her out to dinner, get her nails done or a spa treatment every now and again because if she was not available, you would be paying someone to watch your kids. Give her something. Truthfully, grandmothers are not obligated to babysit, but as grandmothers they should have a role in the upbringing of the grandkids and are vital to their development. Each person in our children's lives adds something special but you have to come to an agreement on how frequently they sit, if they sit, and the compensation. If you don't have cash...clean her house or cook dinner.

My mom used to say... don't ride a free horse to death. That's my 2 cents.

P.S. If your children are holy terrors, dont' expect grandma or anyone else to sit. Discipline your own children and teach them some manners.

M. Edwards@ http://womens-shapewear.com

Grandma Rocks

saraheisner — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 11:36:03 -0500

Great post! Speaking of Grandmas and being lucky or not with them, we've got a ton of opinions and great blog posts on the subject, as well as a hilarious video about Grandma breaking moms rules and why it's worth it.

Sarah at www.juiceboxjungle.com

Quality child care programs are as essential as quality K-12

debontherocks — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 18:47:30 -0600

This is a huge workforce issue and needs to be a consideration in economic stimulus plans. Smart states will beef up subsidies and continue to fund programs like TEACHand WAGES that make sure that providers have access to continuing training and compensation for their education and contributions. Too many child care and early learning teachers don't make a living wage. Child care programs are essential to the business community, and they should pony up as well.

(Just a note on language: I cringed when I saw the phrase "day care" used. Like many professions struggling for fair wages or respect, language matters to many people trying to advance the field. Child care provider or early learning teacher is MUCH more accurate to describe the professionals who work in child care centers or family child care homes. You'll notice that most of the professional organizations (www.naeyc.org) and advocates for professionalization, like Working Woman magazine, use the preferred "child care.")

Deb
www.debontherocks.com blog
www.3smartgirlz.com consulting

That was why I chose daycare

Kim Pearson — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 16:56:03 -0600

Like you, I wanted trained certified childcare providers -- with degrees, thank you. I was fortunate that my children got that. They are 17 and 24 now, so this is a theoretical conversation for me. But given the community that we were fortunate to live in when they were small, there were a lot of other parents who shared my values when it came to nurturing and educating children, and they had the cultural capital to put their beliefs in practice. I would be as worried about parents like us in a barter system. I'd be more concerned about parents who might not have the level of education or resources that parents in more affluent communites have.

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

Conceptually, it works...but must have structure...

tbrooks — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 14:02:41 -0600

For forty hours each week, I want my kids to be learning and growing with developmental activities - not just sitting around watching Seseme Street. It's not enough to just keep my kids safe and away from outlets. I want them to be learning in developmentally appropriate environments. Although I love "babysitting moms", I want trained professionals around my kids for majority of the time.

There are daycare certification programs at our local community college in Kansas City. I'm sure they exist in other states as well. That would be a critical element for any five day a week childcare program. Now, if we're talking "spot" baby- sitting every now and again, that's different.

Blog: "So Much To Say!!!"
Sisters Helping Sisters

I love the concept of bartering

Elana Centor — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 13:48:55 -0600

The thing about bartering is that it can have any ground rules that you want.If I could provide a valuable service in return for child care and I trusted the provider then I think it would be a win-win for everyone.

I think in this economy barter is a great concept marketing tool where you are exchanging something you need with something of value I have and vice versa.

elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness