BlogHer - Money & Personal Finance - Comments

the state of divorce

cjpapp — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:22:16 -0600

It seems to me that the whole system is seriously flawed. When judges order payments for child support and /or alimony that leaves the payer unable to afford a place to live is senseless. I have seen a friend of mine (excellent father) become homeless because he gave all his pay to child support - and still didn't get to see his children very often. I have 2 women friends in child custody fights - one is a teacher that must pay a large amount of money to her husband for child support and alimony because he doesn't work, the judge ordered that he was accustomed to not working. He periodically tries to get full custody - right now it is 50/50. She often goes into high debt for attorneys and has already claimed bankruptcy. (He is a musician and works under the table. She cannot afford a PI to prove it.) He is able to take their daughter out to dinner, buy her new clothes, and take her on trips (with her money) while her mother must work harder to buy baloney sandwiches or whatever else is cheap just to put food on the table.

Another friend is in a custody fight because she doesn't work. The judge ordered that she should work! She has proven abuse from the husband and child services even got involved when he threatened to kidnap her and take her out of the country - but that didn't sway the judge any. In this case, he was found to be living a double life, he even owned a business that she didn't know about it! (This was even proven in court, in California where the laws are supposed to be 50/50 ownership!) The judge knew this and still will barely give her any money for support or alimony. The husband ties her up in court and she cannot afford attorneys to fight so she relies on public defense which seems to be no help.

There seems to be no common sense, no standards, no thoughts or concern for the child. I believe it is important for the child to see that both mother and father are able to survive and support themselves. In the above scenarios, even though the spouses work hard to pay what they are supposed to, the child sees this parent as a "loser" or "deadbeat" because the other can afford to live in a nice place, to do things, to buy clothes - regardless of the fact that the "poor" spouse is paying for these niceties. I am not divorced - but these people are friends and it seems too often that the rulings are unreasonable and lopsided. It really makes me mad that our judicial system leaves power of all of these people's lives in the hands of judges that may have legal experience behind them, but no sense. Just my observations.

Leighbra your Thanksgiving sounds incredible.

SpendWiselyTexas@gmail.com — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:08:14 -0600

My husband son and haven't eaten meat in a while but we decided to buy free range turkeys for both Thanksgiving and Christmas as we'll be having meat eating family members over and our ban on meat has really more to do with the meat industry practices than feeling sympathy for animals (I have a bit of sympathy, my husband doesn't). We also thought it would be a way to support a local farm. Having said all that, please blog about your journey to Thanksgiving. I would definitely read it and am thinking about raising turkeys myself for next year's holidays. That journey to the holiday is a great thing to share with your kids.

Spend Wisely Texas - Living Well and Spending Less in Texas

Getting Off Without Getting Out

Bitches on a Budget — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:14:04 -0600

We're big fans of old fashioned, all for free, fun and games. When was the last time you played Monopoly? This time get your friends together (sleepovers only if you're drinking--love your libations but no driving after, ladies) for a sleepover and every time you pass go, land on chance, pay the rent make a party of it! How about Taboo? Partner up and see what comes out. You'll be rolling on the floor by nights end. We promise.

Xo Roz

No, it wasn't organic, the

Leighbra — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 20:39:44 -0600

No, it wasn't organic, the in-laws all think we're eccentric, to put it nicely, with our food views. I'm also pretty sure that if they could buy the turkey in an aluminum can the rest of the meal, they would be jazzed. I make it a point to bring some really excellent organic, healthy food to our gatherings.

They're good people, they just have other things on their radar.

My mother's cooked about a billion turkeys, I'll have to ask her what it was.

I'm always afraid to swear on BlogHer, even when it's within context, because people do so well here keeping themselves in control even when a VERY heated debate is raging. But I can't really think of people knowingly poisoning my children (I'm looking at you, Dupont) without spewing a couple swear words!

You've had me thinking about NEXT YEAR'S Thanksgiving for the last two days! lol

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Excellent reminder

sassymonkey — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:27:05 -0600

We need to look into a Toys for Tots or Adopt a Family type of program this year. And I need to send out my end of the year annual donations.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

Great reminders

NoReturnMom — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:27:22 -0600

Sometimes I feel bad that my kids, ages 1 and 2, have never known anything other than a "lean Christmas." But on the other hand, they're too young to have expectations, and it's given us the opportunity--even if not originally by choice--to teach them deeper values.

Thanks for the ideas and the reminder to share whatever it is that we do have. Happy holidays to you and yours!

Deb

www.spawnocalypse.com
http://twitter.com/noreturnmom

Thanks

Bethany Strickland — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:14:48 -0600

These are some very helpful hints. You are right about the time being money thing and also you are right when you say that people always say they are going to spend less money. I say that every year and normally end up spending more. casino en ligne

It's okay to use actual 4-letter words

Beth Terry — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:01:35 -0600

Let's hear how you really feel!

Unfortunately, like I wrote in my post, I've only ever hosted Thanksgiving once in my life, cooking the turkey in a plastic bag. And I think we actually left one of the giblet bags in the bird by mistake. This was years ago. So I am no expert on what kinds of plastic finds its way into a turkey. Was it organic? If so, I'm surprised there was plastic in it. Can you ask the farmer?

Beth Terry
www.fakeplasticfish.com
@fakeplasticfish
FaceBook

I'm not writing anything at

Leighbra — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:01:11 -0600

I'm not writing anything at the moment because late this summer a hacker got to my blog, and though we got the posts back, it's very very depressing for me to deal with the little things that are left (spend 3 hours tinkering in order to do 30 minutes of writing...).

But I was thinking of creating a blog about our journey to our Thanksgiving table, starting with when we order seeds and pick up baby turkeys in the spring...and having blogger host it, so i don't have all the background work to do lol

Being green is really a side benefit to our garden. My son and I gardened as part of his homeschooling curriculum last year. We planned it out (lazy square foot garden style), built the raised beds together, ordered seeds, figured out crop rotations, built an inexpensive drip system (sadly almost all plastic, but 1/2 of which was reclaimed pieces of irrigation tubing that a local farmer was throwing away), and learned about processing and preserving what we grew. We also learned (unfortunately) about dealing with different bugs and blights organically.

So, we tackled the garden like one big learning experience, with the underlying theme that budgets are just getting smaller and gardening is a great way to reduce your food spending while helping the earth (and ourselves) at the same time.

I am so sorry, I'm dead tired and rambling. I taught a drama class for kids aged 7-11 and we put on our final play tonight, then my in-laws had their Thanksgiving dinner.

A Q for You: I noticed that the turkry carcass tonight had something that looked very similar to the rings around a six-pack of cola in it. Any idea what it is? It was hard for me to tell since the carcass had been stripped. Is it to hold the legs close to the body? (hello, twine?) I've been reading about the biologic affects of plastic chemicals being dumped into the Everglades for almost 2 decades now, when are people gonna wake the **** up?

Nail. Head.

FerociousKitty — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:49 -0600

"Since I don't want to live in a world where women are made to feel guilty if they work and men are not expected to have real responsibility in raising the kiddies, I'm down with the idea that more men want to share custody of their kids. The key is to make sure that women are not punished for working while men are rewarded for changing an extra diaper or two every week. But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong. It doesn't serve working parents, stay-at-home parents, or most importantly, the kids."

This really bore repeating!

Let's advocate for change in a broken system and give a damn because that system flagrantly subscribes to biased notions about gender and parenting that do a disservice to men, women, and children.

The Faster Times - Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting 101

I'm kind of blown away

Beth Terry — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:59:19 -0600

@Leighbra Wow. Someone on Twitter today called me "Extreme Green" but I don't even grow my own food. Your plans are amazing. Will you be writing about your home grown Thanksgiving dinner?

Beth Terry
www.fakeplasticfish.com
@fakeplasticfish
FaceBook

I'm kind of blown away

Beth Terry — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:59:04 -0600

@Leighbra Wow. Someone on Twitter today called me "Extreme Green" but I don't even grow my own food. Your plans are amazing. Will you be writing about your home grown Thanksgiving dinner?

Beth Terry
www.fakeplasticfish.com
@fakeplasticfish
FaceBook

Great Tips!

Daniellaland — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:14:11 -0600

These are all great ways to help out during the holidays!

On item #3 - I got a few other girls from my family to join forces with me to bake once a month for our local soup kitchen. All it took was one email to their POC person to coordinate it.

And as much as I sort of feel squeamish about #5, I requested it of close family last year, and I am doing the same thing this year. There are so many great causes out there that could use a donation more than I need whatever it is I think I need.

Thanks for outlining how simple, but wonderful these small gestures can be.

Daniella - http://www.daniellaland.blogspot.com - Free corndog if you fall off of anything.

We're going a slightly

Leighbra — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:12:39 -0600

We're going a slightly different route...with much the same end result. Planning a greener Thanksgiving started in March for us.

We're eating a turkey we raised, butchered and dressed ourselves, raised organically and free-ranged in our yard.

Several of our side dishes will be home-grown. Pickles, corn, squash, carrots and the pumpkin for the pie came from our garden.

Next year, the goal of our garden is a totally home-grown Thanksgiving (and Christmas). I know we can do turkey, potatoes, pumpkin, squash or sweet potatoes, green beans, pickles, carrots and radishes, and that just leaves bread products.

We could grow our own wheat, live in an area that produces a ton of wheat so I know conditions are favorable, and I have a grain mill, but I have no idea how much wheat one would plant for several loaves of bread and some pie crusts...we'll see.

Anyway, you know how proud you feel when you cook Thanksgiving dinner for your family? It's like that, but 100 fold when it comes from food you grew yourself, and I encourage everyone to try it, even if you can only provide one thing for the holiday table, like jam for the rolls, or pickles.

I don't get using disposable dishes for holiday dinners, when the hell else am I supposed to use my good dishes?! lol