BlogHer - working moms against guilt - Comments

Amen Sister!

opalstorm — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 12:06:20 -0500

I went back to work two years ago after being home full time for over 12 years. When I decided to stay home when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, most of my working friends began to treat me like I had lost my mind or suddenly became stupid.

Since going back to work outside the home, my house looks more lived in, laundry piles up a little faster and higher, but everyone is fed and dressed in clean clothes. LIttle stuff doesn't bother me as much, and I always make time to spend with my family first... all else takes a back seat.

I can clean house when both of my kids are out of the nest.

Tara at If Mom Says OK

Incredible words of wisdom, Amy!

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:52:38 -0500

I think you nailed it on the head when you said that there are times we never feel like we are doing it right. I gave up volunteering at the schools 4 years ago after I got throw into the lion's den and barely escaped alive. Now, I am back on the board and trying again. Why? Because it is something I want to try to do. For me. For the kids. If it doesn't work out, I have learned and will leave it behind.

You are right that balance is what works for you (me!). That is what I need to remember. I just may have to tape that to my computer for when I am feeling overwhelmed. (And in my mini-van when I am driving carpool. And in my notebook when I am in volunteer meetings. And....)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

Juggling is becoming my best quality!

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:47:16 -0500

Thanks for the yoga advice. I think that would at least give me some ME time. I need that between work and family and LIFE.

I am learning from women who have been in the workforce for so long that it is a huge juggling act. One I have yet to master, but women like you are helping. Thank you so much!

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

Keep those articles coming!

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:44:39 -0500

As I said to Dana, the more I read from women who have been down this road or are going down it, the more I learn. I totally agree with Valbee that is should be a non-issue for all of us. The fact is, it is an issue for many of us.

The more we can find the support, the better off we will ALL be!

Oh, and if I figure out the balance, I will be sure to let you know!

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

Thanks, Dana

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:41:38 -0500

It is helpful to me to go to sites like Work It, Mom and find other women who are in the same boat and see how they do it. It is good for me to know that when I struggle, someone else has been there, done that and can help. Or is going through it at the same time.

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

A view on your different perspective

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:39:39 -0500

"I know that it's not, but it's another example of how we end up fighting instead of supporting each other."

It isn't about any one else or an example of fighting instead of supporting each other. There is not one person pointing at me and making me feel guilty. It is my own change of life that is causing me to stumble a bit. I am SO OVER the Mommy Wars I could vomit. I agree 100% that if we all support each other life would be a bit smoother. That is not what I was getting at here.

"Instead of feeling guilty about it, I told myself that I was not cut out for that particular role."

That is exactly what I am trying to achieve. It is something you have done. I am not there yet.

However, when you tell people who have a choice whether or not to work (and I never said I have a choice) to stop feeling guilty about choosing to work (or not work) because it cascades down to make women who have to work feel badly about it because they have no choice in the matter isn't fair.

Whether it is by choice or circumstancest, some of us have yet to find a balance. I am one of those. Do I feel guilty about being able to do as much as I did before? Yes. But that is my burden to carry. If someone else feels the same way, we can help each other. But, I cannot carry the guilt of anyone else because of how I feel. That is similar to asking women who do not have a choice about whether or not to earn a paycheck to stop being okay with it because those who can choose will feel guilty for not doing more.

Again, it all comes back down to ALL of us supporting each other--regardless of choices made by our own will or circumstances. That is my ultimate goal.

I am glad to hear you are trying not to feel guilty about not knowing the balance part yet. I was beginning to idolize you and start begging you for your secret! :-)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

Anything to keep us working together!

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:28:16 -0500

I love your site! I think if all moms just work together (work at home, work outside the home, stay at home), we would have a support system that surpasses even the most incredible Wonder Bra! ;-)

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

I am glad you got it

Jennifer Satterwhite — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:26:06 -0500

I am looking to see how other Moms answer as well. I am pleased it spoke to you. This is a big adjustment for me.

Let's do this thing together!

~Jenn~
Mommy Needs Coffee | Mommybloggers | Fresh Brewed Reviews

Guilt is a Female Birth Right

abswyg — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 13:24:31 -0500

Whether we're at work full time, part time or at home with the kids all the time, we NEVER feel like we're doing it right. When you're working full time, you're neglecting kids and giving up volunteer opportunities. When you're part time, the work just never seems to get done to your satisfaction and you give up advancement opportunities. And when you're home giving everything to your family, there's always that nagging feeling that you're neglecting someone (YOU).

Balance only comes in doing what's right for you -- pursuing what you enjoy most (by the way, I never LIKED those volunteer things at my kids' school, do you?) and being content in your own mind that you're doing a not perfect but good enough job on all fronts. Easier said than done, right?

By the way, I never left the workforce, but returned to work full time after being part time for several years. I still felt discombobulated. A couple of posts on my blog might be of interest -- "I'm Going Back In" about my decision to return to work full time and "Divide and Conquer" about how my husband and I are attempting to bring a bit more sanity to my life now that I'm back at work.

Amy S.
Up With Moms (http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/)

It's a constant juggling act.

jaycee — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 19:46:12 -0500

I'm a sole parent and work 4 days a week out of the house. So on my one day 'free' I help out with reading in my son's classroom but that's about all I can do, apart from the odd small little thing here and there at the school. I have moved past feelings of guilt because I know I'm doing what I can and I'm sure there's other parents out there that have the time and don't do anything!

Today is a pupil free day at the school and I'm at work and my son's at out of hours school care. And yes, why do they make the meetings at 9.30 or 10 in the morning? But even the ones after hours are hard to attend for sole parents, especially ones who don't have anyone to just mind the child for an hour or two. And now, he's about to move into playing sport and there's a whole other place where I probably won't be able to help out much.

As for balance, I do yoga once a week during my lunch break and try to get out when I can without the child. He also has an earlyish bedtime so I at least get evenings to myself.

It's a constant juggling act, no matter what choices you've made.

Jen at Semantically driven and Safari suit

If you find that balance, let me know too!

Florinda — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 14:37:34 -0500

Jenn,

I've been a WOHM forever, so I haven't had to deal with the re-entry into the workforce issues. But thank you SO much for quoting my Work It, Mom article - because I do know the guilt thing all too well, apparently. I think Valbee's comment is a great perspective on that. But even though my life truly is "full-time work, part-time kids" now - one child grown, working, and on his own, two stepchildren living with their dad and me as determined by the custody schedule - it still rears its proverbial ugly head.

Jordan's article that you quoted has some of the best advice I've found about managing the balance, really - say no sometimes. Learn your limits, accept that you have them - without feeling guilty about it (!) - and use them. I think this is necessary not just for managing the outside activities, but vital if you want to find time for yourself somewhere too.

Florinda
Blogging at The 3 R's: Reading, 'Riting, and Randomness

Jenn, this is a brilliant

Dana J. Tuszke — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 13:38:45 -0500

Jenn, this is a brilliant piece.

I've been working since I was 14. I wanted to be a journalist growing up, but life took some twists and turns (mostly my own doing) and I have to work outside the home to contribute to our family's income.

I always feel like I'm neglecting someone or something because I work too much (according to my husband). House cleaning doesn't get done, projects take longer than expected, to-do lists are often abandoned.

It's nice to go to Work It, Mom! and see how others and what kinds of struggles other moms deal with.

A different perspective

Valbee — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 09:44:38 -0500

This *should* be a non-issue for ALL women. I know that it's not, but it's another example of how we end up fighting instead of supporting each other.

I've been the SAHM (birth to age 6), I've been the part time working mom (6 to 9) and I've been the full time working single mom from age 9 onward.

I went to a PTA meeting once. I realized right off the bat that I wouldn't be able to commit much time. I also realized that there would be women judging me on the amount of time I could commit. I didn't go back for that reason. Instead of feeling guilty about it, I told myself that I was not cut out for that particular role. I'd like to say that I didn't vent about that particularly judgmental witch sitting up front, but alas... I was just as bad as she was.

But we judge ourselves and we judge each other, and we forget that not everyone has the same options, abilities or parenting styles. My lack of involvement in every aspect of kids' lives made me no less of a loving parent than the woman down the street who was at every sporting event and every cheerleading practice. We were just different.

So, on behalf of single moms who have to work, I beg all of you working moms with spouses/partners to not feel guilty about choosing to or not to work. As long as we feel guilty for our choices (or make others feel guilty for theirs), those who don't have a choice are going to feel guilty over things that are completely out of their control.

I have nothing to say on the balance issue. Even though my kids are grown (but living at home), I still feel pulled in different directions. That's not just the kids, though, it's every part of my life. I'm not sure I'll ever figure that part out. But I sure will try not to feel guilty about it! :)

Disorderly Conduct

Thank you!

WorkingMomsAgainstGuilt — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 08:05:44 -0500

Jenn,

It was great to meet you at BlogHer and to see how much you like our blog! We really appreciate the link. Hope it helps lots of working moms.

Susan at Working Moms Against Guilt

Thank you!

WorkingMomsAgainstGuilt — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 08:05:34 -0500

Jenn,

It was great to meet you at BlogHer and to see how much you like our blog! We really appreciate the link. Hope it helps lots of working moms.

Susan at Link TextWorking Moms Against Guilt