BlogHer - dating - Comments

Thanks for the info, AV.

Bill Cammack — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 06:03:35 -0500

Thanks for the info, AV. :) I didn't know that y'all had boosted your sexual peak from 35 to 40. I'll keep that in mind! ;)

I think the concept of a "Cougar" is good for women, in general. It's a stereotype, for sure, however, it's a strong one as opposed to the usual weak and dependent stereotypes they make up for women. The position is that y'all have your own money, your own careers, are mentally and emotionally stable, and are NOW looking to augment your lives with Good Times! :D

Everything else has y'all dependent on some situation other than what YOU really want to do. Do it for your boyfriend. Do it for your husband. Do it for your kids. The concept of "Do it for YOU, because you deserve to reward yourself for setting yourself up properly in life to make your own decisions" is really healthy for women, IMO.

Having said that, there's a difference between the psychology of the situation and the implementation in the media. When I was in HS, we had a substitute teacher for French. She was FOOOIIIYYNNNEEE!!! I mean, MAN! :D .. Incredibly sexy woman. So much so that obviously, I haven't forgotten about her to this very day, haha. Unfortunately, that's the media's idea of a Cougar.. Even though she's much older, by some anomaly she's still rather sexy and due to some mental malfunction or deviation from the norm, she's as horny NOW as she was as when she was in college.

The obvious problem there for women is that Cougars become another fetish category, also known as M.I.L.F.s. The entire underlying process of a woman making her own way in life and getting to the point where she's having a good time doing what she wants to do WHEN she wants to do it is thrown out the window. The focus becomes on the lucky guys that get to screw a FINE older woman while she pays for everything, as opposed to the woman who has finally MADE IT and gets to choose who she dates or has sex with because she's got it like that.

So.. Yeah, I think the concept of the Cougar is liberating for women, because it gives y'all something to aspire to other than getting married and having and raising kids. The spectre of the "Old Maid" begins to fade away in your mind when you realize there are more (and better) options for women over the age of 26...

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

I absolutely agree. Age is

abgirl — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:55:06 -0500

I absolutely agree. Age is just one of many different variables in a person. We're all adults here, there's nothing wrong with being with someone younger/older than you, in and of itself.

I hate it when people say things like "it probably won't work out" and think this somehow proves that it's wrong. Well, most relationships "probably won't work out". Who's to say, if a relationship between an older person and a younger person ends, that it's because of the age difference? It could be any number of things.

Generally, I don't think

abgirl — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:37:11 -0500

Generally, I don't think it's good to promote casual sex or sexual stereotypes. But as far as age differences in relationships, I can't see that it matters as long as both partners are adults, and neither is being exploited. My boyfriend is 12 years older than me and the only time age has ever been even a slight issue was when some members of my family were somewhat uncomfortable with it. I don't understand what could be ineherently wrong about two adults who happen to be of different ages entering into a relationship. The worst that happens is that it doesn't work out and you get hurt, and that's true of any relationship.

Using the term cougar in terms of a woman who pursues many different partners to use solely for sex, I don't care what age you are or what gender you are but I have a problem with that. I guess I'm old fashioned and I don't think promiscuity is a good thing. To me there's nothing "liberating" about viewing people as sexual objects. I don't care that "men have been doing it for years" and I don't think that's any reason for women to be doing it now. As Chuck Klosterman pointed out in an essay about "Sex and the City," what exactly is feminist about women imitating the most disgusting parts of traditional male behaviour?

Nice Post!

AnnQuirk — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:03:14 -0500

I'm visiting from another Site, and really like your Post. Partly because, as a 40 year old woman dating a 27 year old man, I can certainly relate to what you've written.

Neither of us knew how old the other was when we starting seeing each other last year, but both of us are really happy and have been living together since February of this year.

I think the term Cougar is a bit of a misrepresentation, at least in my case....I never sought out anyone younger than me, and I think many people don't seek out someone of a certain age group -- they just fall for each other.

Anyhow, thanks for your article! I thought it was really well-written. :-)

- Ann Q

www.averagebutnot.com

"exploitation works both ways"

originaloflaura — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:59:40 -0500

I totally agree with the woman who said that exploitation works both ways. An older woman may be preying on younger men for no-strings sex, but perhaps the younger men are also preying on these older women, probably for some kind of financial support, but there's also the possibility that they enjoy sex with older women as well. Why does a May-December romance have to be about exploitation? We always suspect the wealthy older man who is dating a young hottie to be duped into believing it's about love when, really, it's about money, but who can really say? Only the two people involved in the relationship.

I don't think there's anything wrong with older women dating younger men, so long as everything is consensual and--if necessary--the appropriate ID has been produced.

Laura Roberts, Button Tapper

Under certain conditions, this could be ideal

Erin White — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:21:38 -0500

I know of a couple where the age spread is about 9 years. He was ready for a family at what I consider an unusually young age for these times. She'd already had a good many years as a career woman and was ready to start a family, too. So - he was around 26 and she was about 35 and they got married and had two kids within the next 3 years.

They just watched their youngest graduate college. He's 49 now and she's 58, and it seems like it has worked beautifully for them - everybody got what they wanted, no one was using anyone or exploiting anyone. They were A MATCH. I expect to see them live happily ever after. The only thing I can see messing with them is that she will retire WAY before he will be able to. Or maybe not - everyone's 401K is messed up these days...

Erin

The Single Rider - about being single

My Mobile Adventures *~*~* - mobile/photo blogging

Thank you!

DelRey — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 03:27:41 -0500

Great post and good reminders, although I disagree about not marrying in your 20s... I believe that if you've got a great guy that you're in love with who wants to start a family - well, this is a rare thing that you shouldn't let slip away. But I guess the grass is always greener. I'm in my 20s, and I'd love to have found someone like that by now.

This is also a nice counterpoint to this depressing article from about a year ago: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

I do think that it must be a horrible feeling to be a 40-something woman who wants biological children but has no partner at that point in her life. When I think about the horrors of fertility treatments and all the expense to boot - not to mention that pregnancy tends to be easier and the genetic material is "healthier" in your 20s vs. later on. I've reached the conclusion that it's better to start a family too early than too late, if you know that you're going to want kids at some point.

Me too!

elhatt — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:54:11 -0500

I was totally just wondering how I could link this to my ex without him knowing...
let me know if you come up with somethnig. ha!

Bipolarus

elhatt — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:51:00 -0500

I totally jus came out of a relationship with a bipolarus. (maybe with a hint of neurotica)

This was a very enjoyable read... very funny, more so if it didn't have so many accurate points!

haha keep it up!

Would love to cross-post this...

FerociousKitty — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 11:59:28 -0500

...as part of our co-parenting and dating series. Is there an author to whom we can give credit?

Co-Parenting 101

There is so much right with this blog post....

KWest — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:18:23 -0500

...that I'm going to have to print it out and stick it on my refrigerator. Not kidding. Hope that's okay with you -- I promise to highlight your authorship and give full credit, too.

Holy crap, Batman, you just saved me at least two years in therapy by putting names to an awful lot of stuff that's been flapping around in my brain in a disorganized jumble for a while now. Thank you for this post - which also had me laughing out loud, by the way. That's the best kind of wake up call. The one that reaches through the phone and slaps you with a glass of cold water in the face - then laughs along with you and helps you clean up the mess. (of tears? from pain or laughter? who cares - we're in it together now!)

Great post. Perhaps I should anonymously send it to my ex, tee-hee.... ; )

-Kate

In my opinion..

Amanda.B611 — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 13:12:48 -0500

I think that it shouldn't matter what your orientation choice is. You love who you love.. I personally identify with bisexual.. to me I chose that because I am attracted to both women and men, have had relationships with both, and if I was single would take in to consideration in dating either.. When it comes to dating I just try to find a person who I feel comfortable with, it doesn't matter to me if I'm snuggling up with my girl, or going to watch the game with my man :]I think its very ignorant and narrow minded to think that love is limited to a said gender or sexual choice..... Love doesn't care what sex you are or who you're having it with...just a thought...

-Amanda-

Thoughts on sexuality being "fluid"?

abgirl — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:41:41 -0500

I found the issues in both the post and the comments very interesting. I wanted to share my own thoughts and experiences with the idea of bisexuality to get a sense of whether my ideas about it ring a bell with anyone else or whether it's just my own experience.

I identify as heterosexual and I am in a committed relationship with a man I love and will probably marry. However, in the past I occasionally wondered if I may have been bisexual. This is because I have always found something arousing about the idea of two women making love. Seeing it in pornography, etc., is for some reason very exciting. Noticing this when I was younger and I was endlessly frustrated by my seeming lack of ability to have orgasms with men (I later realized that it was of course the men's problems, not mine), to me one possibility was that I simply wanted to be with women.

But the fact is, though it seemed like a good solution in that era of sexual frustration, I have never felt the sensation of attraction to a woman, while I have been attracted to many men. When it comes down to it, I don't think I would want to be sexually involved with a woman. I've never tried it but I don't feel a desire to experiment. And even if I could bring myself to have sex with a woman, more importantly I can't imagine falling in love with one or having real romantic feelings for one. And of course I have developed romantic attachments with men.

I think that some women may recognize an exotic appeal to women having sex with women, and interpret that as their own bisexuality, while others, like me, simply see the appeal but feel no desire to act on it. And I'm not saying that either way is right or wrong--if a woman labels herself bisexual I'd never argue with her, and if you only want to have sex with men, then I suppose you are heterosexual.

What I'm saying is that there is nothing biologically/psychologically/pathologically different between someone who identifies as heterosexual and someone who identifies as bisexual. We all have the base ability to be with either sex. As well, love and romantic attachment are separate from sex--you might be able to enjoy a fleeting moment of sexual satisfaction with someone of the same sex, but many people have no interest in that if they don't feel they can form a relationship. There are factors beyond primal sexual ones behind our selection of sexual partners. It's not because of some biological compulsion that I choose to have sex with my boyfriend or that a lesbian or bisexual woman chooses to have sex with a woman. So I have to agree with people who say that sexuality is fluid and that every woman has the ability to be sexually gratified by another woman, it's just a question of whether they feel comfortable doing so.

Male bisexuality, it seems to me anyway, is a very different issue. I can't speak as someone who has any real knowledge of the subject, but I don't think that the same sexual fluidity is universal in men.

If anyone else has thoughts or disagrees I find this a very interesting topic to discuss.

Thanks :)

you DO deserve the best!

MaryanneLive — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:11:04 -0500

you go, girl! this sounds like something i would've written as advice to someone stuck in the not-so-great relationship trap. sounds like you are EXACTLY where you need to be - comfortable with yourself, getting what YOU want out of life. BRAVO! and keep us posted!

<3 maryanne

https://www.maryannelive.com

So true....

ItsKelly — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:38:35 -0500

Thank you for your post. This is so true and simple, yet something we forget to consider.

I've had a difficult last few months and have been begging my husband to let me quit my job (cutting our income in half). The last few months took a toll and I felt beat down and exhausted. I got it in my head that I just needed a BREAK! I thought if I could just rest, the worries and stress would all go away.

In his infinite wisdom, Husband said he would support anything I wanted, as long as I had a plan... What?! How can I possibly make a plan when I'm so exhausted and worn out?

I thought he was being mean, until I decided to override my current believe that I'm worthless until I get my break, and I made a plan. That changed everything. I'm more motivated, positive and full of energy than I've been in 3 months. Everything seems different now and I'm excited about my life, not fearful as I once was.

I've enjoyed reading your blog so far and will visit often.

~Kelly
http://www.itskelly.com