BlogHer - Sex & Relationships - Comments

One of my favorites

jbec6507 — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:19:38 -0600

You'll always be beautiful!

<a href="http://www.babyhaven.com/" target="_new">baby products</a>

if he asks for space....but you live together

annacorrado — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:59:19 -0600

My boyfriend recently asked for space, but we live together. What do I do?

On the fence and scared

jpolk1 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:26:44 -0600

Had my first very young, and have been through single motherhood. Now married to phenomenal man who, surprise surprise wants us to have kids together. Ok. I knew this going into our marriage. Sometimes I'm really excited about it, and sometimes I'm scared out of pumps! There are days when I look at him and think about how much love our family has to offer a child and how much I miss my daughter, now 10, being a baby. There are a lot more days where I'm exhausted from work, tired of juggling and cannot imagine adding another child, no less an infant, to the mix.

Relationship How-To

Dr. Coach Love — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:52:39 -0600

DrCoachLove.com

The seeds for a relationship breakup are always there from the beginning. The seeds (or reasons) may be hidden in: truths not told, lies spoken, differences overlooked, subjects not addressed, broad tolerance at the beginning, unimportant beliefs at the time, the simple evolution/events of the relationship, and any manner of the unknown and yet to be discovered. Then, are all relationships doomed to destruction?

Absolutely not. The most important key to lasting relationships is the ability to identify these seeds honestly and develop a stable model of communication and conflict resolution. We need to be aware of the sprouting.

Some differences are important and others are not. When opposites attract, is it exciting when we see in someone else the qualities we admire and do not have. Over time, if we learn from each other we become more similar and we are enriched. Otherwise, what was once an attractive quality (opposite from us) becomes an annoyance or relationship deal breaker. Recognizing and handling our differences is key.

Having a list of qualities for your relationship/partner can be a useful tool --- but only if the list is neither too short nor too long and is prioritized. Think about qualities in terms of must haves, great to haves, and also goods.

The "must haves" are needs deeply rooted in your core values and represent the priority tier. A second tier for your list would be the "great to haves" based mostly on your important likes and dislikes. The third tier, the "also goods" are your casual preferences. You can also make a list by brainstorming and coming up with between 12 to 18 qualities. Then divide the list into the three tiers--- with no less than three or more than six items in each tier.

This process can help you gain clarity to identify a relationship that will work for you long-term--- but not without excellent communication and conflict resolution skills. If you find top-tier issues early in the relationship, despite compatibilities in the lower tiers, it may signal the wisdom of an early end to the relationship. But if the top-tier is workable, you may want to hang in for a while to see how the rest develops.

Remember, just like a handheld grater, whether we rub off or grate on someone depends on which side we slide the cheese.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

www.DrCoachLove.com

It doesn't surprise me

clueless newlywed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:45:39 -0600

Ya know...It doesn't surprise me that single people have less sex...Think about it...They have to really work to have sex. My single girl friends have to get dolled up, and hit a bar that has other attractive, single men. (Half the battle right there!) And even if they do find a bar with attractive, single men, they then have to make eye contact and flirt and all that. All married ladies have to do is turn to their partner and say, "Are you in the mood?"

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Tough decisions

sgoyette — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:40:38 -0600

This article hits on things that I think a lot of (single) women face in their late twenties or early thirties. We've had enough relationships to know what we want, yet nothing's been good enough yet, or at least not good enough to last "forever." However, I've noticed that my two best relationships were the ones for which I had no expectations starting out. I don't think much of the guy at first, he grows on me, and he doesn't have to live up to some preconceived notion of the perfect partner. My worst relationships have been the ones where the guy was "perfect on paper" or "exactly my type."I don't know what the answer is - I'm not single, but I'm not married either.

One of my friends sees problems early on and gets out of the relationship - she would much rather be single than put up with someone's BS. I envy her that level of strength and resolution, and perhaps it is part of her own self-awareness. She's also a bit younger than me. But I wonder sometimes if it can be worth it to work through the things that seem like problems in the first few months. I've also read that it takes several months to see a person's "real" personality.

Thanks for your article. You're definitely not alone.

Research leads to employment for some

prophetlady — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:05:49 -0600

You might consider it blowing money on research, but someone got paid. In todays times people need to make a living and a research enables this process. I use to work for a variety of research companies, and I made a decent part time living doing it, and it placed food on my table.

I think you are more affected by the outcome of the statistics then the actual research itself, I hardly doubt the statistics are lying or are inaccurate in the findings of this particular study.

try not to take it so hard, and look at it as a paid study that someone made a living from, and that was the end result

You deserve better

tarawhitneysims — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:11:18 -0600

Your headline stood out to me. You are an amazing, loving, and devoted women from what you wrote. When you devote your life to someone, and they don't appreciate you; You feel like you should have done more, did things differently...hell I don't know. In the end he will feel like an idiot. No women will ever give him what you have. Go out and have fun.

Sure, why not?

TheBeerLady — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:15:39 -0600

sorry - double post!

Sure, why not?

TheBeerLady — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:14:46 -0600

I get a kick out of the term personally - and yes, I fall into the cougar category. It was all I could do a couple of weeks ago not to laugh out loud when a guy referred to me as a cougar in the grocery store. I'm fairly certain he didn't realize I could hear him when he told his friend, "Dude, check the cougar with the pink hair - I would totally do her." Shoot, he seemed to mean it as a compliment, so it's all good...

I really like and can relate

misskleopatra — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:02:39 -0600

I really like and can relate to what you say about being hit on by older men. At my job, I see many different people and everyday I get hit on by men of all ages, from 18 to late 30's. I'm 20. I've always been attracted to older men. I'm not sure why. Lately however, I seem to meet more older (single) men and they always make good conversation. As compared to the guys my age , when the first thing they tell me is "My god you're beautiful." I never thought I'd have to get tired of hearing the same line everytime I meet someone new.

So would dating someone who is somewhere between 10-15 years my senior be wrong? I mean i am a college student, and most of these men are well settled into their careers... I'm not sure how to go about this...

Thanks, Tara

Bill Cammack — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:30:32 -0600

Thanks, Tara. I appreciate your comment. :)

I don't post here or anywhere else (inlcuding my own blog) to receive agreement, or friendship or credit or about a million other things, but the thing that means the most to me is that people open their minds to the possibilities in life. It might not be a PROBABILITY or relevant in their own lives, but in most cases, I just want people to be able to see things from a different perspective and then think about it and come to their own conclusions... including "Bill doesn't know WTF he's talking about!" :D

I get a lot of insight here that otherwise would have been missing from my database of possibilities. My goal is to give back and hopefully present a different view, even if it's a disliked view, because not everyone thinks the same way and not everyone acts the same way and even the people that act the same way do so based on different motivations, so instead of adding more "Buy your girlfriend flowers and agree with everything she says" garbage to the pile, I'd rather post something that might spark thought & debate, leading to people either changing their minds or solidifying their position that they're right about what's going on in their lives.

Cheers! :D

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Dear Bill

tarawhitneysims — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:22:03 -0600

Even if I don't agree with your opinions. I truly respect your thoughts. You get me thinking.

He graduated the year I was born!

tarawhitneysims — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:43:47 -0600

I'm in love with a man who is 19 years older than I. He is the most wonderful man I've ever met. Everyone's experience can be different, but this is my story. I met my sweetie (Wes) while working as a live in caregiver for a mentally disabled teenage. Wes was a friend of my boss's soon to be ex husband. The moment we saw eachother there was something there between us. It was like an instant connection. The funny thing was we barely spoke a word to eachother, because I was talking to my Boss's ex. A week later he invited me and my boss's two daughter out to go boating on Wednesday. That Friday we had our first sort of kind of date on his boat. The whole thing was magical. We did that the whole summer long. Ever since then we've been together. He is such a kind, gentle, loving, caring, devoted, stubbern, loyal, smart ass I know. He has so many good qualities that they outshine the bad. He loves me for me. His only complaint is I'm too demanding. The last and most important thing is; he has a wonderful 16-year-old daughter. At first she didn't want anything to do with me. She was weirded out by the whole deal. Then after a little while she and I became the best of friends. I live a wonderful life with the two of them in it. People may judge you if you decide to date an older man, but if it makes you happy then that's all that matters.

Ugh! How did we get into

avflox — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:35:45 -0600

Ugh! How did we get into this mess?

I need a follow up column next week about how to solve for this.