BlogHer - Sex & Relationships - Comments

Writing sex scenes is all

Gwendolyn Hudson — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:16:53 -0600

Writing sex scenes is all that easy--they seem to fall in the etheral "floating away on a cloud of esctasy" to odd descriptions for genetalia (see first entry) or the mechanical a goes into b which sometimes have all the clarity of Ikea directions for putting together your new bookcase.

I think--as a writer--that sex and what and who and how a character deals with sex is a major part of who he or she is.

so is what they eat. But only occasionally is it necessary to desrible each forkful.

But I love these awards--it's always niece to know in that schadenfreude way that even the best have their moments and that its human to be confused and embarressed and over the top sex/sexuality

Gwendolyn Hudson Lauterbach http://barefootontheground.blogspot.com/

SEX

millytant — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:25:11 -0600

Actions speak louder than words . . . .

Bad Sex Written

Gwendolyn Hudson — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:09:51 -0600

I think I violated something in my comment. Will rewrite

Gwendolyn Hudson Lauterbach http://barefootontheground.blogspot.com/

I often wonder about this

LadyBird — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:26:55 -0600

This concern has shaped how I "shop" for men online. Most of my shorter girlfriends don't seem to get because they have never had to be the tallest person in a room or group picture. These types of petite girls are the same size as my best buds in middle-high school and though I loved them, think they contributed to some of my insecurities. Ah, well, I think I really should get over it as the tall men I meet are doing me any good either!!

LadyBird

http://notyetacrazycatlady.blogspot.com/

Addition

Bill Cammack — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:22:04 -0600

Patricia brings up a good and relevant point. I didn't mean to imply that I was friends with my exes off the bat, like it went from relationship right into friendship. At least one person's going to feel hurt about the situation and either need space or act negatively for a time period. When the dust settles, however, it's obvious who's still in your corner after the fact and for the most part, I've been the best and most consistent friend those gals ever had, to this very day, because we shared something great together and now we can be friends without the pressure of a relationship.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

AOL chat rooms

girlishstuff — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:54:55 -0600

hahaha I totally agree! :)

I blog at Girlish Stuff

It's a tough one!

pblack — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:22:31 -0600

I feel for you, sister! I too like the idea of staying friends with my exes, at least in theory. But, especially after a recent break-up, your heart may need a long break from the person in order to heal. That's just taking good care of yourself!

Some of my friends like to use the "I'm dating myself for a while" tactic, when they tire of the dating scene. The idea is to treat yourself as nicely and do all the things you'd like to do with a date, but do them with yourself!

best of luck,

Patricia

www.marriagetoychest.com

Write more!

sassymonkey — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:46:32 -0600

Excellent first post over on your blog. Keep it up.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

the state of divorce

cjpapp — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:22:16 -0600

It seems to me that the whole system is seriously flawed. When judges order payments for child support and /or alimony that leaves the payer unable to afford a place to live is senseless. I have seen a friend of mine (excellent father) become homeless because he gave all his pay to child support - and still didn't get to see his children very often. I have 2 women friends in child custody fights - one is a teacher that must pay a large amount of money to her husband for child support and alimony because he doesn't work, the judge ordered that he was accustomed to not working. He periodically tries to get full custody - right now it is 50/50. She often goes into high debt for attorneys and has already claimed bankruptcy. (He is a musician and works under the table. She cannot afford a PI to prove it.) He is able to take their daughter out to dinner, buy her new clothes, and take her on trips (with her money) while her mother must work harder to buy baloney sandwiches or whatever else is cheap just to put food on the table.

Another friend is in a custody fight because she doesn't work. The judge ordered that she should work! She has proven abuse from the husband and child services even got involved when he threatened to kidnap her and take her out of the country - but that didn't sway the judge any. In this case, he was found to be living a double life, he even owned a business that she didn't know about it! (This was even proven in court, in California where the laws are supposed to be 50/50 ownership!) The judge knew this and still will barely give her any money for support or alimony. The husband ties her up in court and she cannot afford attorneys to fight so she relies on public defense which seems to be no help.

There seems to be no common sense, no standards, no thoughts or concern for the child. I believe it is important for the child to see that both mother and father are able to survive and support themselves. In the above scenarios, even though the spouses work hard to pay what they are supposed to, the child sees this parent as a "loser" or "deadbeat" because the other can afford to live in a nice place, to do things, to buy clothes - regardless of the fact that the "poor" spouse is paying for these niceties. I am not divorced - but these people are friends and it seems too often that the rulings are unreasonable and lopsided. It really makes me mad that our judicial system leaves power of all of these people's lives in the hands of judges that may have legal experience behind them, but no sense. Just my observations.

hehehe

Bill Cammack — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:43:59 -0600

Yes Ma'am, haha The AOL chat rooms DEFINITELY served their purpose! ;)

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

I think there is a place for

avflox — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:33:49 -0600

I think there is a place for everything. I am just now working on a pretty emotionally intense sex scene and I have to say it's still very much the same thing--word choice and an understanding of how the characters would behave toward each other.

Speaking of AOL chatrooms--that's what I first did when I got on the web at 13! Cybering hard in the chatrooms and boards! I always tell myself I could have grown up to be a real geek had I not gotten so much play in the chat rooms. Then again, it seems to have served some purpose, hasn't it?

AV Flox is the editor of Sex and the 405--what your newspaper would look like if it had a sex section.

Great Tips!

Bill Cammack — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:39:05 -0600

Great tips, AV, haha..

I learned to "write sex" in AOL chat rooms, so my style's built for personal physical effect and not flowery novel-writing. :) Having said that, I also "write intimacy" and "write togetherness" and "write inspired introspection" which is more along the lines of what you wrote about in this article.

I actually find inspiration to be way more sensual to write about than physicality. I find it way more unique that a gal moves me mentally or emotionally than when a gal turns me on. For me, it tends to catalyze a much richer experience for contemplating and expressing to others.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Asking for what you want is never wrong.....

dashingscorpio — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:49:35 -0600

Lack of communication destroys more relationships than those where a couple asks each other for what they want. Being asked does not mean you have to comply but to have a relationship end over something you never knew was important to your partner could lead to heartache. You always have the power to say NO just as your mate has to decide if what he or she wants is a deal breaker. If it's a must have in the relationship then it's only a matter of time before they move on. No matter who you are , male or female when you're in love you are going to do some things just to please your mate. This does not mean you sold your soul. It's just natural to want those you love to be happy and in healthy relationships this is reciprocated in large and small ways from cooking a favorite dish, going to see a ballet, trying something new in bed, to going shopping on "Black Friday". One of the leading causes for divorce today is there is too much "YOU & ME" and not enough "US & WE" in relationships. Everyone is so worried about "losing themself" in a relationship they are practically ready to fight at the mention of a request to try something different. Ideally a man in love will do some things that he knows his woman loves and she in turn will do some things she know he loves. The only people that get their way all of the time are those who are not in love. They don't care about anyone other than themself.

not my thing to befriend my exes

gorillalovesac — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:45:24 -0600

I myself have a li'l problem with being friends from exes. I have some ill feelings for those that I had relationship with in the past. Its not my thing to befriend my exes.

__Gorillalove sac__

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com