BlogHer - parenting - Comments

I scared my kids and myself

akamaimama — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:42:48 -0600

I scared my kids and myself yelling tonight...and I feel horrible. I just cried and cried as I put them to bed (2 and 4 years old) which made it worse. The 4 year old kept telling me it was going to be okay. It's so hard to be with them all day, day after day. My husband is never home, and I can't even talk to him about this anymore. He works so hard himself, so it's hard for me to complain about my parenting stresses. Christine, your post hit home. I really feel like I need to GROW UP and learn how to manage my own reactions. I've apologized twice to the girls for my own "tantrums" this week. I have the best job in the world, I know, and two beautiful, bright, healthy girls. I have everything I ever asked for and some days I'm so distraught... I can relate to everyone's feelings here...

...Some People Never Will

Shannon Des Roches Rosa — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:26:09 -0600

@Carmen But we can still keep trying, and talking and blogging about the accommodations our kids need -- sometimes people can't process past their defensiveness in the moment, though it sinks in later. Straight talk like that @Kristen cited helps, I think.

The holidays are also a time to let people know that the r-word, 'retarded,' is no longer acceptable. My brothers used the word countless times during their Christmas visit. I tried barbed humor, "I don't know, Leo, do you think what your uncle said was retarded?" but eventually had to ask them to please stop, and tell them why. Yet I have no doubt they still use it when my son or I are not around.

I have faith that the people in our kids' lives will come around eventually. I have to.

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Squidalicious.com parenting first, autism second
CanISitWithYou.org real tales of schoolyard terror and triumph

Yes and Yes

Carmen S — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:54:04 -0600

"Sometimes, she just needs to be alone."

It's a refrain that I find myself repeating again and again - and sometimes, people STILL don't get it. I don't care, anymore - they can watch her melt down with me and then, maybe, they'll understand.

Or maybe not. Some people never will.

Another timely post!!

kristenspina — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:17:51 -0600

Thanks Shannon for such a timely post. Coping with the Holidays was the topic of our local special needs parents support group meeting this week. Someone handed out copies of this wonderful letter written by Viki Gayhardt. I had to google it to find the source, but it's worth reading. I love the way she phrases this:

"Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and at the same time, make myself understood. people with autism have different abilities: some may not speak, some write beautiful poetry, others are whizzes in math (Albert Einstein was thought to be autistic), or have difficulty making friends. we are all different and need various degrees of support."

yelling

BlessedSalt — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:54:32 -0600

I have noticed that one weeks when I yell because I'm stressed or whatever the case is, my kids also yell more. The quietness of our house goes away because I set a loud example. Does that mean that I never yell? no! I lost my temper this morning and yelled. Then on the way to the gym my daughter asked me if I was going to be nice again after we went to the gym. That was heartbreaking!

So I know I can't live with never yelling, it's not an attainable goal for me. However, I can try my hardest not to yell and remember that when I yell, it only causes more chaos in the long run.

www.clumsycrafter.blogspot.com

My childs Father

CJK — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:34:44 -0600

I am pregnant and my childs father and I broke up due to his hobbies. He liked to get on sex websites like Fling.com and adultfriendfinder he clamied he never cheated but I am not so sure he texted sexual pictures to other women and some how it was my fault. He has two other children from a previous marriage that ended badly. I moved to Utah which is where I met him but I am from the east coast. I feel bad for leaving him but I can't stay in Utah to raise a baby alone. I have no family in Utah so moving east seems like the best option for me and my little baby on the way. I even tried to work things out with him but feel he places me on the back burner for everything. He is going through a bankrupsty due to his ex wife not paying on the house and car he gave her in his divorce. He blames those problems on the things he has done but I am to the point where I can't stay in a place while I'm pregnant with no support from the father. I'm 22 and he is 35 so I expected him to be more mature about things. I admit I have fought with him and started arguments but I'm frustrated with his flat out disrespect of me and that he says our baby is not real yet. I am worried I can get in trouble for leaving the state while I am pregnant or if I am causing my baby not to have a father by leaving but I am alone in this state I have no one other than him and he isn't there for me.

Negative Emotions Aren't All Bad

Devra Renner — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:30:30 -0600

Before parents beat ourselves up too badly for losing it from time to time, it's important to consider the positive impact negative emotions can have if they are handled appropriately. Anger is a big scary emotion for kids, and also for adults at times. When we are able to express anger appropriately, or deal with the aftermath of an emotional tsunami in a way our child can learn anger doesn't equate with absense of love, then the damage done by the yelling can be offset by our ability to bring it all arouund to demonstrating conflict resolution skills and making amends if needed.

Our kids learn a lot about how to handle emotions from adults. Anger,disappointment, frustration, are all normal emotions and we need not stuff them back in when we feel em, what we need to work on, myself included, is expressing them constructively so our kids learn even negative emotions can be expressed appropriately and with purpose.

Devra Renner, MSW

www.parentopia.com/blog

If I Could Cut Back Just a Little

moxiemom — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:03:17 -0600

Great piece and great comments too. I try really hard not to yell. But sometimes it does not work.

I need new techniquest to not yell. I like some of the ideas above. Going to try them now. Wish me luck.

MoxieMom

More yelling discussion on Parenting Squad

Sierra Black — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:16:46 -0600

I recently posted about this on Parenting Squad, with some pointers on what you can do instead.My favorite is to go ahead and yell, just not at the kids. Yodel, howl, holler like Tarzan. You can get the stress out without hurting anyone.

Not that I always remember to do that. There's nothing in the world more frustrating than dealing with my own kids, and I bet that's true for a lot of moms. We all lose it sometimes. What matters is how you pick the pieces back up.

Bullied and bullier

jaycee — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:29:41 -0600

My son's been both and had huge problems last year and some of this year at school for handling situations violently. Unfortunately he's earned himself a bit of a reputation but I think we're on the road to rectifying that but it's not easy.

He has social skills problems and doesn't always know how to act in certain situations. I also know that some kids know how to push his buttons and stand back and watch the consequences of my son's reaction (one kid stood back with a smirk on his face one day according to my son). Consequences usually being detention.

Recently we got our department of education involved and I've had some meetings with a behaviour management person from there, and relevant people from the school and we've drawn up a student development plan for both school, and after school care. These plans outline some really clear goals for what's expected of Julian and he's 'rated' on his behaviour throughout the day with negotiated rewards for good behaviour.

But my son also gets picked on in addition to the push buttons and stand back thing I mentioned above. I've finally got him telling staff what's going on as there was a stage where he didn't want to dob.

It's a bloody hard one but as a parent you've got to be on the ball, work with the school, let the school know that you want to work with them to resolve things and not deny that something's going on. Pity all parents didn't do the same. I know one lot of parents thinks my son's the bad boy but their son ain't no angel either. They would deny that and the mum will not look me in the eye when we see each other at school. I think I'll just say hallo to her next time so she has to look me in the eye! Just because our boys have issues doesn't mean I'm a bad person..

Jen at Semantically driven

There's a mistake in the NYT piece

Devra Renner — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:22:37 -0600

2/3 of parents named yelling , not work or missing a school event, as what made them feel the most guilt. The NYT mistakenly added in spanking to that statistic.

Our survey and research had no findings related to guilt and spanking. Aviva wrote up our response to the NYT article. We submitted a request for a correction, however to the best of our knowledge, that has not happened as of today.

Aviva's post is called "Pipe Down Those Pipes" and if I knew HTML better, I could direct link it, but if you go to www.parentopia.com/blog it's the most recent post.

Devra

www.parentopia.com/blog

I am no expert.

Rita Arens — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:34:20 -0600

I certainly can't pretend I know what to do with other kids. I've been watching my own kids for signs I need to try something different. I think temperament feeds into it more than we think. Some kids get crushed if you tell them you're disappointed in them, and others need total and complete structure to function as a contributing member of the household.

When I think about my yelling (and it is actually rarer than I'm probably making it sound), I realize I do it to indicate to my daughter that I am winding down in terms of civil disagreement and getting ready to take away something really good. It's a warning bell. But I don't go on and on, either. Usually one sentence in a raised voice gets the message across. I'm trying to perfect an evil eye that will stop her in her tracks, but so far, no good.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

Control Issue

wifenmom — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:47:44 -0600

I'll be honest. I yell, and I know I shouldn't. I freak out over things easily, and it does scare other people. I have yet to find a way to harness it or figure out a way to get some sort of control over my four year old daughter, who doesn't seem to listen to me one bit. Though not using this as an excuse, we currently live with my parents, who adore and spoil her way too much, so she always thinks she has free range over everything, including what she wants to do and eat, etc.

My husband tells me that I am out of control when I get frustrated at her, since like Jenna's son, she knows exactly how to trigger it. She ignores me and continues to do precisely what I asked her million times not to do. I do not to yell at first, but it seems to go toward that direction all the time. Time outs don't seem to work, and she thinks spankings are joke. I attempted to take things away from her, but still no positive results.

This may change when I can fully discipline her without grandparents around to counter any rules we make, but for now I wish that I can use another form of attention grabber to get her to listen to me. (Any suggestions would be great!).

-Mary-
A Student for Life

Loss of control

Rita Arens — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:27:37 -0600

I hear you, Christine. I think not yelling is always better than yelling. But I think losing control completely is the worst, whether it's yelling or anything else.

I agree with you that self control is one of the greatest acts of love a parent can give. I will counter that it's unrealistic to expect to behave perfectly every day of your life. :)

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

Yelling teaches yelling

christinemoers — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:54:26 -0600

I wrote on this recently: Yelling. Is. Not. Okay.

I don't say this lightly. I'm a mom of five, two of whom came to me completely unattached (ya' know - to ANYONE). I've had my life threatened. I've had rocks thrown at my head (friggin good aim, too). The things which have been screamed at me and the rages ... oh, the rages. I could go on for days and days and days.

And I have chosen to stop yelling (been a reformed yeller for about six years now). If my children are not paying attention to me, I quietly walk over and remove whatever is holding their attention. Might be a toy or the TV ... whatever. "So sorry this was more important that listening to Mom. You can have it back when you show me you can control yourself long enough to answer me."

"Honey, all those things you said earlier made me feel like crap. So, I need you to bring me $10 from your allowance. I'm headed out for something fattening. That will make me feel SO much better!"

I used to yell for me. Really. That's what it boiled down to. Sucks, but I've put on my big girl panties and faced it. I felt that my children MUST obey. If they weren't obeying, then I needed to do something more to MAKE them obey. heh. heh. As if we can make anyone do anything. I finally figured out that in life there are consequences for our actions. We can keep choosing the consequences. We don't have to ever follow the rules. No one can make us. We can learn from the consequences or not. So, that's what we do in our home. It's a mini version of the grown-up world.

My kids never, ever have problems reading social cues. I have a firm voice, and a stern look. But yelling? Do you yell at your coworkers? Do you yell in professional settings? Do you yell at the guy in the grocery store who is clueless as they hog the whole aisle? My kids are learning that they can have self control in any circumstance. It really is possible. It is hard as hell (underline "HARD AS HELL"). It requires inner strength, and I think self control can be one of the greatest acts of love on the planet.

And did I mention it's HARD AS HELL?

Christine