BlogHer - motherhood - Comments

I know this post is old...

Pinktiara — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 15:00:11 -0500

I thought I was the only one who wanted to run away. I am brand new to this site, so I am looking for other women whose lives are as crazy as mine. I live in Columbia, SC, and I need someone to talk to about the things that women handle on a daily basis. Thanks, Ashley

Eventually, Yes, You are happy for others people's kids...

SatelliteSister5 — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 15:40:32 -0500

I think real joy for other people's kids come with time, perspective, and knowledge. Those early years are too filled with comparisons, benchmarks, height/weight percentiles, pre-school admission "play dates" and overwhelming maternal insecurity to actually feel happy at some other 4 year old's accomplishement.

But as the kids get older, and you get to know them as people, not as number-spewing automatons, you can celebrate when they win the game with a clutch single, come out on top of a piano competition, win the Public Speaking prize. Their successes as tweens and teen have eveythingo to do with them and nothing to do with you not being a good mother to your won child! Your kid finds their own victories, too, and other parents will cheer, pat them on the back. The direct comparisons , of kids and mothers, fade. And real relationships form.

You'll get there. It's a nice place to be when you can say to some friend of your child's, You were the star of the show!"

Lian

SatelliteSisterLian

www.satellitesisters.com

www.chaoschronicles.com

Darwin at its best...

PTPInc — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:56:23 -0500

The observation you made was something I didn't ever think about until you blogged about it. Unfortunately, I think it rings very true...

I, myself, do not have any children, but at one time I did nanny for my sister. Being an aunt and taking care of my neice all day, I felt a very heavy responsibility about almost all aspects of this other little human being's life -- from her nutrition, health, motor skills, language skills, social skills, etc. I spent all day with this newly developing toddler, so naturally most things she would learn would have to come from me.

And when I did see other kids I couldn't help this emerging urge to compare... Thoughts would somehow flutter across my mind when I saw them... am I feeding her not enough... am I feeding her too much... is she supposed to be able to annunciate words like that... is she supposed to already know all those words... And yes sometimes there would be that little bit of a triumphant smile that formed when my neice did behave well and I saw another child acting up.

However, I just had to learn to shake those thoughts out of my head even how naturally they did come. I think competition is natural and competition is good at certain times... because we all want to be the best at things... But I did have to remember that each child develops at different rates and you just have to help them develop their own unique potential and not one of another child's. It's about remembering that the child is a separate entity from yourself not an extension. So their accomplishments are their own even though we sometimes like to take credit for it.

And although the evil green giant did creep into my head from time to time, I did still get excited when I saw a truly remarkable child because it really was amazing. And I do hope that more mothers will feel supportive rather than competitive even with this natural tendency. I do think it is important for children to learn to admire others for exemplary traits rather than be jealous of them. And being jealous was something I was not about to teach to her.

-Friends From Sunshine

This is an excellent question and topic

Denise — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 07:40:39 -0500

I saw the title feed through My BlogHer yesterday and didn't have time to read it, but it's stuck with me.

I've seen a lot of moms react fake positively about the good qualities in children who are not their own. I've seen a lot of moms bash those kids (and their mothers) when they thought it was safe for them to do so. I've seen very few real, positive reactions from moms.

And that bugs me.

Or maybe it's only the mean stuff that I'm remembering? I don't know. I do know I'm going to be thinking about this all day.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

It is totally a quest

Denise — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:49:02 -0500

And I love that you're doing it. I can't wait to hear all about it. Maybe someday, when I have an empty nest, I'll make a similar quest.

Ohhh a red motorcycle, awesome. I like red.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

Another thoughtful post

Nordette — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:35:44 -0500

I also visited your personal blog after reading this post, Laurie. Well done.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

My sympathy

mashadutoit — Thu, 07 May 2009 06:43:31 -0500

And yes - the story of your grief never seems to come to an end.

My mother died about four years ago and I still have so many painful thoughts, and moments when I feel as though I'm not healing. Does one heal?

My mother was also very sick, and I think no one who has not experienced it, can know how complicated and mixed up things can be. Its tough to look after a sick person. It goes on and on and on. I feel a lot of guilt because I did not measure up to the person I thought I could be in that situation. I learnt a lot about myself, and a lot of it was not good. Its difficult to get past the guilt.

You learn about your siblings, too. I also experienced a similar drama with people fighting when you would have thought they would pull together and be supportive.

One big lesson I learnt was that you cannot control how things happen. And you should not feel guilty because of that. You just have to accept what actually happened and be kind to yourself and those around you. You cannot afford to take on responsibility for what happened. In the end, you were with her, and gave her your love and that is the most important thing.

When I'm feeling at my worst, and beating myself up - I always try to think what my mother would have told me. Would she have blamed me, or criticized me for the way things went? No way! She would just give me love. So why punish myself, when she would forgive me?

Agreed, but what to do?

DrMom — Sat, 02 May 2009 11:57:29 -0500

I am with you both! I like trendy fun clothes, but when I try them on, I feel like a poser. Every time I go shopping, I want to cry. It seems like the only choices are FRUMPY or teen. I am not overweight, but I am a mom, so I have hips. I want to look casual and comfortable, but I am not ready for all cotton sweatsuits all the time. My mother has not worn jeans in my memory, but I am not ready to give them up. Is there anywhere to try?

We canNOT be the only ones!!! Should we start a clothing line? Surely someone has. We just have to find her frustrated 30 something self!

Well I never thought about it that way...

Michelle McKinley — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:22:52 -0600

I just think of all the mom's perks as fringe benefits :)

http://superfabuloushousewife.blogspot.com/

Neither I think

EllieAndMe — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 17:38:34 -0600

I don't think it's either/or for me.It's just a natural part of being a mother. The same question can be asked about having a child in the first place.

I do agree with you that breastfeeding and how important it is to you makes you reevaluate everything else in your life. I too quit my full-time ob and started working from home. Wanting to breastfeed was deinitely a contributing factor in that decision.

Irina

http://amomswhatsnextblog.blogspot.com

Both? Neither?

AmberS — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:11:17 -0600

I don't know if nursing is selfish or selfless. It's just something I do.

What I really wanted to comment on was the 'nursing as sleep aid'. I'm currently nursing my second baby, but after my first weaned I did find that it was harder to get to sleep, and get back to sleep when she woke at night. I really missed those sleepy hormones!

~ Amber

www.strocel.com