BlogHer - holiday - Comments

Dear Spotoczak

Mata H — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:48:33 -0600

You have every right to your grief for your father-in-law. And sharing that grief with your family probably makes great sense. I don't know your family dynamics, so I cannot speak for your husband and his mother -- but if their love for you is as generous as your obvious love for them, you may want to reconsider letting them know that you need them, too -- or find friends that you can trust to just let you sob your heart out. The holidays will be rough for everyone, and it is OK if they are rough for you as well. Sometimes families just have to take turns holding each other up. It is a great act of love that you are having the holidays at your home when you are grieving. Sometimes, letting people see your true feelings is also an act of love. Your father in law must have been a lovely man to have his passing affect you so deeply. You can always start small -- by just mentioning to your husband that you cried in the store because you miss his Dad, too. Then see where it goes. I will keep you in my prayers.

--Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Grieving during the Holidays

spotoczak — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:16:21 -0600

Thank you so much for your article. My father-in-law passed away on Nov. 1st and Thanksgiving and Christmas was his favorite holidays. He was also Polish and we had many family traditions associated with being Polish. My problem is that I am having a hard time grieving in front of my husband and mother-in-law because I do not want to make them upset. I feel like I need to be there for them and not the other way around. We always had Thanksgiving at his house. He would make everything. This year we are going to have it at my house. I went to the store today to buy everything and I broke down in the store. What am I to do? My husband and mother-in-law are huring more then me so what right do I have to be this way. Please help. I want to support my family in any way that I can.

Great Ideas!

Rachelle Mee-Chapman — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:40:30 -0600

These are all lovely ideas. For some of my sweet soulsisters I'm making matchbox shrines. I can recycle tins and boxes I've been gathering all year, and use my stash of art supplies to make meaningful prettties. Each one will have a tiny blessing rolled up inside.

http://www.flickr.com/groups/480974@N24/

Rachelle Mee-Chapman blogs at: http://www.magpie-girl.com.

To get a short updated when a new piece by Rachelle is up anywhere on the web, follow her at Twitter! htt

Crafting as Therapy

jenrik06 — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 23:26:07 -0600

This is what got me into crafting. It gave me an outlet when I was younger and in a better financial place (no kiddo's or hubby to feed back then-lol). Now it's morphed into financial therapy. Especially with the holidays upon us, I feel like I have more financial control when I craft. Less money spent on gifts=More money in our bank account!

I'm planning on tea and coffee themed gifts utilizing free samples and Goodwill tea & coffee cups. A chocolate peppermint dipped biscotti with a recipe card will make a great gift for our neighbors. Also, I'm making some scented gel air fresheners, reed diffusers, etc with essential oils and jar gifts galore. I only wish I had a sewing machine-mine didn't survive our last move (bummer)!

Your Fun Frugalista

Jennifer

Create your own mugs

ande2506 — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 01:50:34 -0600

These are great ideas. Its the personal connection that makes gives so touching. I love these ideas. Here's another one: I work for Aladdin who produces "create your own" reusable mugs. These are great ways to personlize yourr gift. You can insert a photo, your child's drawing or what ever you like in the mug. Its yours to customize. Check it out: http://www.aladdin-pmi.com/shop/category.aspx?categoryID=14

Hi Wilma

Mata H — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:40:24 -0600

"we lost how to do grief".....you are so right. It is a communal as well as individual event.

You mentioned that you have no family around. Same here, with the exception of a beloved 85 year old cousin. I have kept many of the traditions of the old days, but I have let time and circumstance shape shift them to today's design. Especially as we age, I think our most important moving-along-in-life developmental task (as in over 40) is to learn how to grieve, or to let go, as a natural art* of living.

*(I had typo'd "art" instead of "part", but now that I look at it, I'll leave it that way.)

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Where do I sign up for the Brownie of the Month Club?

ewillse — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 23:37:01 -0600

Oh right. Season of giving. Not getting. Heh.

These are great ideas- some familiar and some new discoveries.

- E

elizabethwillse.wordpress.com

Freelance Book Reviewer

Speedy times, even grief gets only a second

Wilma Ham — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 14:00:39 -0600

Great to talk about grief at this time of year and giving an explanation on how one can deal with it.
I feel that we lost how to do grief, we either indulge in it and then don't know how to turn it around into something that will celebrate the life of all of us, the living and the dead.

I also love the comment that says that we cling to tradition, irrespective of change.
I like that as again pretending is not going to do anybody any good either.

I don't have any family around to celebrate holidays with.
The first two years were shear agony trying to keep a *tradition* alive that resembled the old times which was of course totally impossible.
All the ingredients were missing.

Once I let go of how Christmas was to be, accepted that it would never be like that ever again, I actualy realized that I was grieving for something I had lost.
Interesting that at first I did not associate grieving with this tye of life situation.

Once I knew I did let go, and I could move on and make it into a totally different tradition.
I also could see that grief deserves attention and talking and thinking about it was worthwhile the effort.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

Windy, thanks

Mata H — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 13:10:29 -0600

I will hold your family in my prayers this year. Just do what you need to do that helps you and your family get through it as gently as possible. Take care.

--mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Thanks for sharing

windysblog — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 12:55:55 -0600

Grief is one of the most difficult things I have ever faced in life. The holidays are always a tough time. It was my Dad's favorite day of the year, and so when he died on Christmas Day six years ago, it was almost the perfect day for him, but left us all grieving deeply as the holiday approaches now.

Your words were right on. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think that sometimes we get too wrapped up in how we should act around the holidays (keeping traditions, etc.) that we push through the grief and forget that others in the family are hurting too. Those are the very people who can help us.

My advice is to do what is right for you. Each of us will discover what is right as time goes on. The important thing is not to be stressed about what is the proper way to act through a time when your heart hurts so much it is almost crippling.

Your advice confirms my ideas. There are many resources to help the grieving, and it's okay to need them and utilize them. We don't need to feel guilty about it. We just need to heal.

And the most important thing your blog has demonstrated: we are not alone in grief, even if it feels that way. Others hurt too, and when we share about the pain, it helps.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

thanks, Virginia

Mata H — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 10:50:01 -0600

Thank you for your kindness.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Thanks, NOfreelunch

Mata H — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 10:49:19 -0600

The important thing to remember is to honor what gentle actions bring you comfort. Thank you so much for sharing your reaction. It means a lot.

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Wonderful advice, Mata

Virginia DeBolt — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 08:56:16 -0600

Thank you for such thoughtful caring.

Virginia DeBolt
BlogHer Technology Contributing Editor
Web Teacher
First 50 Words

Thank you

NOfreelunch — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:54:33 -0600

What a beautiful and thought provoking piece of writing. The description of what you and your dad did at your mom's grave site and to honor her in your home with the extra chair made me tear up. Thanks for giving others who are grieving this sage advice. This is such a good list I can't think of anything to add, only to reiterate what you've suggested.

so true

Mata H — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:32:02 -0600

Right you are -- it isn't as though one can have an identical holiday except for one dear person gone. Trying to make everything seamless is fruitless. It'll never happen. Good point about over-idealizing. That is a such a sad and stuck place in the grief process. Your survival last year by focussing on the kids sounds like it really worked. Focus on others by getting our eyes off our personal pain even if for a moment, helps.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool